My boyfriend of 2.5 years just proposed to me. It was great, and I was on cloud nine. Our relationship didn’t have the smoothest start. He was very back and forth in the beginning, but we are truly best friends, with more love for each other than I could ever explain. So naturally, when he popped the question, I was thrilled…until I found out he has been emailing with his ex-fiance throughout almost our entire relationship.
He was previously engaged over 6 years ago, to a girl he dated off and on for 5+ years. They were broken up the first time for almost two years when they ran into each other and decided to give it another shot. Shortly after, they were engaged. It ended up running its course again, for reasons that I don’t entirely know. I knew he had contact with her when we first started dating, but, when we became serious and I explained that it bothered me, he said he would stop (no Facebook, Instagram, etc.).
Cut to this week. In one of my less proud moments, I looked at his phone out of curiosity regarding engagement congratulations. He has several girls from his past who I’ve expected may have been more than friends at some point, who he still maintains contact with. I was interested to see what their take was on our engagement. Not cool, but the truth. I was also interested to see if his ex knew we got engaged and, if so, did she reach out to him.
While looking, I uncovered over a year’s worth of emails between the two of them. The first few I saw were a few months into our relationship. He sent her an “e-card” with some joke about having sex. They proceeded to talk about how they’d like to do “that” again. It went back and forth, but I was seeing more red than actual words on the screen.
Another email started because she deleted her Facebook account after seeing a photo of my fiancé and me at a concert together. He proceeded to tell her that he only took the picture because the “lights were cool” and that he would have preferred her to have been there instead of me. Then a month or so later he sent an email after her father passed. I completely understand his concern and need to express condolences, but he went into great detail about how important her family was to him. He then signed it with “Love,…”.
Then there were more emails between the two of them about six months later, which was well into our relationship. In those, they talked at great length about their relationship, how no one makes them feel the same, no one understands her like he does, how hard it is for him to see photos of her and her husband, how much she misses him. And finally, she complained thoroughly about her marriage and said she wished she could be with him again, but she said she knows she can’t “ask him to wait” for her. He said he was confused, flattered, and missed her too. I had had enough and stopped reading. I confronted him about it and a blow-out fight ensued.
The next day he deleted everything. Later on I saw an email from her telling him to delete everything and figure it out. He says he’s devastated and swears that all of the emails were over a year ago. But when I pressed him for honesty, he said he thinks their last emails to each other were “like 8 months ago.” I don’t know if I believe that. I don’t know what to believe.
He says he’s never loved anyone more than me and wouldn’t have proposed if he weren’t certain. I’m furious, heartbroken, humiliated. I simply don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can trust him again. They were broken up for two years before and got back together. How can I be sure that, if our marriage gets rocky someday, or if she divorces her husband, they won’t start talking again? He says he reciprocated the conversation because of the “attention.” To me, that sounds like the making of a cheater. We hit a speed bump, or don’t, and someone else gives him some attention, and then bam! Please help me figure out where to go from here. — Blindsided in Boston