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My partner and I have been together for two years. We met through an online dating site, and in the beginning of our relationship we asked each other the usual questions (“Have you ever been married?” “Do you have any children?” Etc.). We both said neither of us had ever been married before nor did we have any children.

Fast forward to two months ago. I found out that my partner got married nine years earlier. It was up in Canada, and, as it was a same sex marriage and not recognized here in the U.S., she figured it was never a “real marriage.” My partner tells me she only married this person to help her get kicked out of the army for being gay. She also tells me there was never any physical and/or emotional attraction for this person, and that she was simply doing “a favor” for a friend. After they were married, my partner’s then-“wife” decided she wanted to become a man – and this ended their relationship. My partner believed the marriage was then considered invalid and “wiped out” as this “woman” was now a man. She never bothered following through with seeing if she was still married in the eyes of the law. Well, she was and is still legally married and has since officially filed for divorce.

My partner tells me she kept this secret from me for our entire relationship because she was embarrassed, ashamed, and disgusted by what she did. We had gotten engaged last fall and, needless to say, our engagement is now called off. I am having a real hard time understanding why she accepted my ring last fall. Wouldn’t that not have been the time to tell me the truth about her past? My partner wants me to forgive her and try to understand her reasons for keeping this secret from me. I struggle with trying to understand and forgive. At this point I am not even sure if I can ever get those feelings back that I once had. I just feel betrayed and hurt. I’d appreciate your advice. — Unable to Trust After She Lied About Being Married

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In honor of 420, a new one from the forums:

I have been married to my wife for over a year, and we have been together for three. We have nothing shared and no kids yet. I am 30 years old and have been smoking marijuana on and off since I was 18. I have quit for various lengths of times (four years being the longest) and for various reasons.

Currently, I am partaking and fully enjoying it as it helps me unwind after a long stressful day. My job (IT Support) is very stressful and I have to deal with douchebag customers every day. I will not make this an excuse to why I smoke. I will admit: I just flat out enjoy getting high at night and having a good night’s rest.

The issue is that my wife has differing values and is completely against any illegal drug. She is very ignorant on the subject and does not know the difference between cannabis and meth. In her mind, all illegal drugs are the same and will ruin your life. Her stance is it’s illegal, end of story. (For the record, I live in CA where medical marijuana is legal, I possess a doctor’s recommendation, and I legally purchase from a dispensary). There is no reasoning with her, there is no room to present educated facts, and no room to debate anything since marijuana is “illegal.” Trust me, I have tried and tried to educate her with no success. She is so ignorant to how bad our legal system is. To give you a perspective on her views: Her cousin is completely addicted to Vicodin. He pops these pills like they’re candy, and it’s clear that he needs help. To my wife, it’s fine because a doctor is prescribing and it’s legal. Talking to her on this subject on an intellectual level is like trying to talk sense to a monkey.

I love my wife, but I am reaching a breaking point. I don’t want to leave my wife, but what bothers me the most is her ignorance and her unwillingness to educate herself. I have challenged her to research her claims and I will listen to her findings. Of course, she doesn’t do it. The other thing that is really bothering me is her imposing her “righteous values” on me and telling me I can’t do this or that. To give you another idea how bad her view is: She grew up having the idea that pot smokers are rapists/serial killers (she still holds this belief). We had a huge debate/fight over her views early on in our relationship. I should have taken this as a red flag and ended the relationship right there and then. At the time I was not smoking, so I let it go.

Fast forward to a couple months after marriage when I decided to start smoking cannabis again. Eventually, she found out and I pretty much told her my whole history with it. She basically gave me an ultimatum that, if I continue smoking, the relationship will end. So by knee-jerk reaction, I said, “OK, I will quit.” Of course, that did not happen. I continued to smoke and she continued to find out. Over time, I am starting to just not care what she thinks anymore and I have started telling her that I will quit when I am ready and to let me be.

I have offered compromises such as cutting back on my smoking and not smoking around her. I have made good on these promises, but it is not good enough for her. I tend to smoke everyday, 1-2 times at night after work. I have cut down to not smoking on the weekends just for her. Still she keeps nagging me to stop, nagging me that I am a drug addict, nagging me that I care more about marijuana than I do about her.

I will admit that it’s my fault for not telling her my history with marijuana when we got married. We are here now and there is nothing I can do to change that. Sometimes, I wish she would just divorce me already. I am becoming unhappier by the day, and it’s only a matter of time before I initiate the divorce myself.

Should I keep trying to reason with her and make things work? Should I just do us both a favor and initiate the divorce? — Daily Pot Smoker

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Yay, Friday! Tomorrow it’s supposed to be near 80 degrees and sunny here, and I am so excited. I’m going to wear a dress and sandals (I just bought a replacement pair of these which I wore all last summer) and sit on a blanket in the park and eat stuff with people I like and I can’t wait. I’m going to get a haircut, too. These things qualify for exciting in my life right now. What are you up to?

P.S. For those who alerted me that the edit function has disappeared and were missing it, you should now see a “modify” tab in the comments that will allow you to edit your comments. We’re still working on the new issue some of you noticed where, when you click certain links, you’re taken to an unrelated ad.

[image via Etsy]


Love 2

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“24 Signs You’ve Found Your Soul Mate” [via PopSugar Love]

Very interesting read: “The Man Whose Brain Borrowed Nearby Identities” [via NY Mag]

“Scary Smart: Do intelligent people worry more?” [via Slate]

“The average wedding guest will spend $673 this year” [via Market Watch]

Well, someone really hates mass, public marriage proposals: “This Is Why You Don’t Pitch Us Your Marriage Proposal” [DCist]

“The Moral Bucket List” [via NYTimes]

“Why I’ll Always Put My Husband Before My Kids” [via Yahoo]

“I Sat In on My Son’s Sex-Ed Class, and I Was Shocked by What I Heard” [via The Stranger]

For you Canadians: “Cheap date index’ lists Toronto, Ottawa among best cities for frugal romance” [via CBC]

“Thousands Of Young Women In U.S. Forced Into Marriage” [via NPR]

“The grooming decision that makes men attractive to twice as many women” [Mirror UK]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I am in my first year of college, and I have started dating a guy I met here. He treats me very well, and I’m happy with him. However, it makes me feel terrible to say this, but I am sorely embarrassed by him. He is very overweight, has poor personal hygiene, dresses terribly, and has numerous bad habits such as spitting in public and chewing with his mouth open. I live in a different state than we go to college in, and he wants to come home with me for a bit after the school year ends. I can put up with his “quirks” at school, as I really do not care what my classmates think of him. However, I am too embarrassed by him to allow him to meet my family. I just know he will not change anything to meet them, and I am sure they will judge him harshly. What should I do? — Embarrassed By Boyfriend

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