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The following essay is by guest contributor, Lea Grover.

Yesterday I learned that my husband, Mike, was supposed to be dead seven years ago. I had known he was supposed to be dead from the first time a doctor told me “astrocytoma,” and “glioma” eight years ago and then made a guess at a prognosis. But yesterday we learned that the arsenic Mike took to allow chemo and radiation to reach his tumor better was supposed to have failed according to the study. The Temodar he took five days every four weeks for eighteen months was supposed to fail, too.

Even if they had worked, Mike was supposed to die seven years ago, before we could celebrate our first wedding anniversary. We were never supposed to have eight years of chaotic happiness. We were never supposed to have three little girls who think he’s the funniest, strongest, most amazing man in the universe. We were never supposed to be here.
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Good morning! Hope you all had a lovely/relaxing/fun holiday weekend. I’m still in Missouri for a couple more days visiting my parents/ swimming in the pool/ planting flowers on the deck/ eating burgers and drinking beer. As such, posting will be light this week. I have a moving guest essay coming up later today from a woman whose fiancé was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer before their wedding and given less than a year and a half to live (spoiler: it’s been eight years and he’s still alive). In the meantime, feel free to use this as an open thread to talk about your weekend or what your upcoming travel plans are or anything you might need advice about or whatever you want to discuss. For anyone who needs a column to read this morning, here are a few popular ones from years past that you may have missed the first time around:

“My Mother Had Sex With My Husband”

“Our Beautiful Neighbor Lady is Getting Too Close with My Husband”

“My Boyfriend Is Spending Christmas and NYE with His Wife and Family Instead of ME!”

“I’m Ashamed I Lost My Virginity to a Prostitute”

“My Wife Hates My Marijuana-Smoking”

“I Have a Boyfriend, but I Want a Sugar Daddy, Too”

“Should We Let Our Teen Daughter Sleep With Her Boyfriend in Our Home?”

“I Haven’t Had Sex in Four Years!”

“In a Long Distance Relationship, Who Should Be The One to Move?”

“He Wants Me To Take His Name, But I Want to Keep Mine”

“My Boyfriend is having a Baby with Another Woman”

And, of course, there’s always the forums.


Happy Memorial Day weekend, to all the American DWers! I can’t believe the unofficial kick-off to summer is already here, but it is and I’m totally embracing it. I even bought some new white jeans when they were on sale a couple weeks ago in honor of the day (these are some of the best jeans I’ve ever owned, by the way — super comfy, flattering, hold their shape). Anyhoo, we’re heading to Missouri bright and early tomorrow morning to spend a few days with my parents. The pool in their subdivision just opened for the season and Jackson’s been talking about it all week, even stopping people he barely knows on the street to tell them that we’re going to Missouri to see his grandma and grandpa and they have a pool! When I dropped him off at school this morning, I told his teacher he’d be out for a few days next week, and she said, “Oh, we know all about it. He’s going to Missouri to see his grandma and grandpa, and they have a pool!” They also have central air, plenty of wine and beer, and a deck with a perfect view of the sunset, so I think we’ll all have a good time.

Oh, by the way, remember last week when I mentioned that Joanie was teething and it was so much more dramatic than I ever remembered Jackson’s teething to be? She was up two or three nights in a row screaming her head off and even Motrin didn’t seem to provide much relief. Well, it turns out she had a nasty ear infection that resulted in a ruptured eardrum! This whole week has been so anxious for all of us as we waited and hoped she’d be well enough to fly tomorrow, but after several days of recuperating, some antibiotics, and assurances from two different doctors that she’s fine to travel, I think everything will be ok. Still, I’ll be happy when we’re on the other side of the commute and can relax for a few days at the grandparents’.

Hope you all have a lovely holiday weekend, whatever your plans are. See you on the flip side.


Jessica Hische for The New York Times

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

You’ve Canceled the Wedding, Now the Aftermath

In a Facebook study of status updates from 65,000 participants over a two-year period, researchers discovered that, “Women’s writing largely reflected compassion and politeness compared with men, who were hostile and impersonal.” Additionally:

Women were more likely to discuss family and social life, relying on words that described positive emotions, such as ‘love,’ and intensive adverbs, such as ‘sooo,’ ‘sooooo’ and ‘ridiculously.’ Men more frequently discussed topics related to money or work, and favored words tied to politics, sports, competition and activities, such as shooting guns or playing video games. Men commonly used words such as ‘freedom,’ ‘liberty,’ ‘win,’ ‘lose,’ ‘battle’ and ‘enemy.’ The differences were interpreted as reflecting a male tendency toward objects and impersonal topics and a female tendency toward psychological and social processes.

Apparently, Men Feel Heartbreak Harder Than Women? Not sure how you’d quantify that, but ok.

How my job talking women out of abortions made me pro-choice

This article, How Co-Sleeping Ruined My Marriage, was sent by a DW reader who said:

This popped up on my Facebook I think as clickbait spam, but I found it to be so interesting. I have been married for four years and I am six months pregnant with our first child. On the surface, the article is about differing opinions regarding co-sleeping, but to me it spoke to so much more!

My husband and I did all the right things (I think) before getting married. We made sure we were comparable in all the usual ways: lifestyle choices, finances, thoughts on children. We waited to have a baby until we felt emotionally and financially ready and yet what this article said to me was that there are possibly things that are going to creep in your marriage that you don’t even know to check compatibility on — that until the situation presents itself, you don’t even know what side of the fence you or your spouse will be.

This article sparked great conversation between my husband and me. Not about specific issues (though we do have the same thoughts about co-sleeping), more about if the day came where we were on completely opposite sides of the fence, how would work to move forward in a way that brought strength to our marriage.

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.


MILES profile picTomorrow our dear Miles turns 11! This has been a very big year for our sweet guy. On top of welcoming a baby sister into the family, whom he is delightfully and almost aggressively ambivalent about, he went on a diet and lost about six pounds and now he can even hoist himself up on top of our kitchen cabinets where he enjoys watching over everyone sort of creepy-like. He’s in such great shape now that his vet gave the ok to reduce his insulin injections from two times a day to just once daily. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if this time next year he’s off insulin completely. That’s how committed he is to his healthy lifestyle!

Those of you who have been reading the site since the beginning probably remember the wise and surprisingly philosophical advice Miles has shared in the past through his guest column, Dear Miles, but what you don’t know is that he’s been slowly — very slowly, between naps and bird-watching, working on a book of columns for the last few of years. Last year he promised it would be on its way to publication by the end of the summer, but then he got distracted by a new laser toy and now here it is, a whole year later, and he’s still tying up some loose ends. But, who knows — maybe he’ll get the darn thing to the presses yet. Anyway, here’s an excerpt from the forthcoming book below:
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