Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I’m Not Sure I Want To Marry My Fiancé”

I’m on vacation through May 13th and will be re-posting some of my more popular columns in the meantime. This one was originally published on The Frisky on March 2, 2011.

I’m 22 years old and my fiancé is 25. We are supposed to get married this October, but I’m having second thoughts. We’ve been together for over five years and were neighbors growing up. We both dropped out of college, but I have always held down a full-time job, whereas he got laid off and spent a whole year unemployed. I feel like I have a lot of resentment towards him because he had no excuse to not find a job. He didn’t have the ‘drive’ or ‘ambition’ that I wanted him to have. Since last June, he’s been a truck driver, a job that requires him to be gone sometimes a week at a time or longer with only one or two days home. Also, he still lives at home, and the thought of him being so dependent on his parents bothers me.

A little over two years ago, he was really wanting to get married, but I kept telling him I wanted to wait until I was at least 21 so I could legally drink at our wedding. I think I was just making an excuse. He proposed after I turned 21, and some days I’m so happy to be engaged to him and some days I’m not. In addition to our other issues, our sex life is not okay. He always wants to have sex and I hardly ever do. I don’t really know why I don’t because he isn’t bad, but I just feel like I’m not attracted to him anymore. He is the only relationship I have ever been in and I don’t want to lose him but I don’t want to ‘settle’ either. I want to talk to him about it but I don’t want to hurt him. I guess now that we’re paying down payments for venues, buying a wedding gown and setting up classes with my pastor, getting married is hitting me. I don’t want to be a divorce statistic. — Cold Feet


Don’t marry this guy. You aren’t in love with him. If anything is clear in your letter, it’s that. You are not in love with this guy. And you know what? You’ll be fine without him. As long as you’ve been together, it must be scary to think about not being with him anymore, but as much time as you spend on your own, you have to know you’ll be okay by yourself. And, eventually, you’ll find someone new if that’s what you want. But please think very, very carefully about what kind of future you’re going to have with this man if you don’t leave him. You aren’t even happy in your present. How do you think you’re future is going to play out? If he’s so dependent on his parents now, he’s just going to be dependent on you in the future. Do you want to be financially responsible for him the next time he gets laid off and decides he’ll take his sweet time finding a new job? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man you aren’t in love with just because he’s been in your life so long? There needs to be more. Don’t get married when you’re already worried about being a divorce statistic. Divorce should be the last thing on a person’s mind when she’s planning a wedding. Don’t do it. October is still a long way away. You have plenty of time to gracefully bow out of your wedding now, explain to your fiancé that you’ll always care for him, but you just aren’t in love with him anymore and can’t marry him, and start building a life of your own. You owe it to yourself to keep an option of a happy future open. Don’t settle for less than happiness.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

10 comments… add one
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    ArtsyGirl May 2, 2011, 3:08 pm

    I remember this one – was there ever an update? I have my fingers crossed that we will hear good news from the LW.

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      cat-i-z May 2, 2011, 3:19 pm

      I remember this one too. I don’t believe we ever got an update.

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    MissDre May 2, 2011, 3:17 pm

    Yeah, seems like we aren’t getting a lot of updates these days! There are a few that I’d really like to hear back from!

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    Addie Pray May 2, 2011, 4:30 pm

    Run, LW, run! You have so much time to grow and figure out exactly what you want and don’t want. Don’t rush the process.

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    SpyGlassez May 2, 2011, 4:32 pm

    I still have to wonder why this is a “thing.” Who gets married, or even stays together, without genuine love and respect? I don’t necessarily mean the hollywood idea of love that we’re fed – the rush that can’t last – but this is one of several letters recently where someone’s main reason for being with their partner is that they’ve been together for a while.

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      kdog May 2, 2011, 4:45 pm

      So true, but I think this goes under the category of easier said than done.

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    • rubyroo

      RJKUSER May 4, 2011, 5:42 pm

      I said this in response to a previous post….but people are afraid to be alone.
      There seem to be a lot of great girls who stay with douchy guys (and it works the other way too) because they are afraid to be single.
      If people could get over that fear and know that it’s OK to be on your own until a great partner comes into your life, then nobody would ever settle for someone who treats them bad, or has no ambition, or they’re not in love with, etc, etc….

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    ReginaRey May 2, 2011, 5:56 pm

    I remember this, too. I think I commented and said something like “If you’re unsure about marrying someone, that’s a SURE sign that you shouldn’t.” Still stand behind that!

    There are so many tough choices that we have to make in life, and how often is the answer clear? Decisions come with so many pros and cons and intricate details that effect what we ultimately do. Choosing who to marry is one decision in life that should come without much stress…if it doesn’t come easy or naturally, you’re either not ready or with the wrong person, or both.

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    MsMisery82 May 3, 2011, 1:36 pm

    My work blocked The Frisky (boo!) so I didn’t see this the 1st time around. But even after the first paragraph it seems like they are on different pages. Aside from the fact that even WITH ambition, it can be hard to get a job in this economy, he’s not meeting her needs on many levels. Then you get to the part where he doesn’t turn her on, she doesn’t want to have sex, and she’s questioning every move….. yep. Time to run like hell.

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    DebMoore May 3, 2011, 7:45 pm

    Stop the wedding plans now! I do understand what it is like to be with someone since you were 17 and at 22 feeling like it’s time to get married or “move on to the next step” Been there done that. Heck I even still loved the guy, but when I started have nightmare about wanting to run away from the wedding and no one would let me, I knew it was time to get out. (besides the other things that were starting to bother me, like him telling me I was going to be a stay at home wife and there was no way I would be allowed to keep my last name) I won’t lie, it was hard. I lost him, lost all my friends and spent many nights alone, lonely and crying. BUT I started hanging out with other people, found a new boyfriend and moved on with my life. Glad I did. Do both of you a favor and end it!

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