Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

13 Ways to End a Relationship

For all the many, many letter-writers who have ever written to me and clearly need to MOA, here’s a handy-dandy list of 13 ways to effectively end a not-so-good relationship:

1. Stop visiting him in jail.

2. Hire Katie Holmes’ legal team.

3. Change your status on Facebook to ‘single like Kraft cheese.’

4. Tell her that you’re impotent.

5. Tell him that your parents arranged a marriage for you with someone else. Don’t flinch when he says, “But you’re Methodist.”

6. Suggest wearing matching adult baby costumes for Halloween.

7. Tear up his wedding photos in a drunken rage and scream, “You thought your first wife was bad?! I DARE you to marry me! I DARE YOU!!”

8. Spell it out in magnetic poetry on her fridge.

9. Serenade him with a rousing rendition of Boys II Men’s “End of the Road.” Bonus points if you wear color block and shoulder pads.

10. Invite him to a going away party. When he asks who the guest of honor is, tell him it’s you. When he asks where you’re going, tell him, “To leave you; population: one”

11. Tell him you’re sorry his team lost. When he says they didn’t lose, go, “I have to break up with you now, but that’s awesome about your team!”

12. Ask her if that’s a breakup haircut she’s sporting or if she’s just unhappy to see you.

13. Make yourself a profile on OkCupid and email him a link to it with “FYI” in the subject line.

23 comments… add one
  • JK

    JK September 18, 2012, 1:10 pm

    Awesome, Wendy. 🙂

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Friend of Beagles September 18, 2012, 1:16 pm

    And there’s always these classics:

    Sneak out the back, Jack.
    Make a new plan, Stan.
    Don’t need to be coy, Roy. . . .
    Hop on the bus, Gus.
    Just drop off the key, Lee, and set yourself free.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    ktfran September 18, 2012, 1:35 pm

    Effing awesome. Especially #9.

    Reply Link
  • theattack

    theattack September 18, 2012, 1:36 pm

    Love this!

    Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark September 18, 2012, 1:47 pm

    “Experiment by banging HER infinitely hotter and much more successful older brother…”

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    MMcG September 18, 2012, 1:47 pm

    Bravo Wendy!

    Dare I add?
    14. Fake your own death and/or join witness protection

    Reply Link
    • theattack

      theattack September 18, 2012, 1:52 pm

      Yes!!!!!!!

      Of course we recently saw that faking your own death could precede a proposal as well, so who knows!

      Reply Link
    • JK

      JK September 18, 2012, 1:54 pm

      Or move to Yemen??

      Reply Link
      • FireStar

        FireStar September 18, 2012, 2:39 pm

        I had a friend who would literally move countries when she needed to break up with the losers she insisted on dating. She left Holland (and a guy that baby-talked to her) for Thailand and left Thailand (and a guy who it turned out liked dating prostitutes on the side) for Cambodia and left Cambodia (and a guy who apparently had a secret fiance)…and now actually works in Yemen. Yemen! What are the chances?

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      • theattack

        theattack September 18, 2012, 2:41 pm

        Wowzers.

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      • JK

        JK September 18, 2012, 2:42 pm

        That´s awesome. Unlike yur friends communication skills, apaprently. 😀

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      • JK

        JK September 18, 2012, 2:51 pm

        More than communication skills I guess it´s the choice in men that is lacking.

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  • avatar

    Alecia September 18, 2012, 1:56 pm

    #2 is my favorite but you can’t forget to switch your number :).

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Bethany September 18, 2012, 2:41 pm

    These are very funny!!! 🙂

    Reply Link
  • Classic

    Classic September 18, 2012, 2:42 pm

    So funny! Thanks for the laughs.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Slamy September 18, 2012, 3:00 pm

    Does anyone else care that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are back together? I care, and I’m happy!

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    • avatar

      Taylor September 18, 2012, 7:44 pm

      Me too!

      Reply Link
    • iwannatalktosampson

      Iwannatalktosampson September 18, 2012, 7:57 pm

      I care and I am also happy. Although I won’t believe it until there is a red carpet make out. I can’t get my hopes up just to be shat all over.

      Reply Link
    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark September 18, 2012, 8:30 pm

      Of course they’re back together… the probably have yet another bad movie to promote.

      Reply Link
  • laur18

    laur18 September 18, 2012, 3:17 pm

    There is no problem that cannot be solved by Boyz II Men.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Monica M September 18, 2012, 5:12 pm

    Giggle! Thanks for the laugh!

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Caris September 18, 2012, 7:52 pm

    Completely unrelated. Whatever happened with Sobriquet? Does anyone know??

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    fornowandtomorrow September 19, 2012, 9:31 pm

    darn, you can’t customize the relationship status

    Reply Link

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