Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

15 Signs He’ll be Bad in Bed

For many people, the unfortunate moment when you learn the person you’re dating — or, maybe just met? — is bad in bed doesn’t happen until it’s a little too late. Luckily, there are some signs for those of you who’d like to avoid such awkward moments in the future. After the jump, 15 signs he’ll be bad in bed (before you even get in bed…).

 

1. It takes him ten minutes to get your bra off.

2. You’ve never seen him sober.

3. He makes noises when he eats: slurping, grunting, sucking … yuck.

4. He dresses like Jake Pavelka from “The Bachelor.”

5. He interrupts you when you’re telling a story, never letting you finish.

6. He wears a lot of hair gel.

7. He darts his tongue in and out of your mouth really fast when he kisses you, like a snake.

8. He still sleeps in a twin bed.

9. He’s “grope-y.”

10. He talks about your feet a lot.

11. He has bad breath.

12. You’ve been out four times and he has yet to make a move.

13. Says things like, “I’ve never had any complaints in bed…” with a little wink.

14. He tells really bad jokes.

15. He never holds the door open for you.

62 comments… add one
  • avatar

    demoiselle August 23, 2011, 12:21 pm

    16. He’s not generous in other areas of his life.

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  • avatar

    TheOtherMe August 23, 2011, 12:22 pm

    Gawd, I hate #7

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    • avatar

      MsMisery August 23, 2011, 12:56 pm

      Number 7 was my first kiss!!! Add to that about a gallon of spit and I was almost put off dating completely at 15 y/o. *grimace*

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe August 23, 2011, 1:04 pm

        Poor you, but at least you have being 15 as an excuse 😀

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe August 23, 2011, 1:05 pm

        There are still plenty of grown men who have poor tongue management skills !

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      • avatar

        MsMisery August 23, 2011, 1:16 pm

        Yeah, and at least I got to practice my “how to break up” skills at a young age. (PS- it wasn’t just the bad kissin’ so don’t get all up on me, y’all, but that was definitely a valid reason for 15 year old me).

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    • avatar

      cookiesandcream August 23, 2011, 4:17 pm

      I’m so with you on this! Once I kissed a guy who did exactly that! Turns out he had a huge double standard when it came to sex and women (women who have premarital sex = sluts while guys get a free pass). ugh… glad I got out of that one…

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    • avatar

      meaghan August 23, 2011, 7:20 pm

      My first French kiss he open his mouth really wide. I felt like a seal in Air Jaws during shark week. Gross.

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  • Firegirl32

    Firegirl32 August 23, 2011, 12:31 pm

    17. He dances like a robot with a bee in his shorts.

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    • Firegirl32

      Firegirl32 August 23, 2011, 12:32 pm

      …and thinks he’s good…

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph August 23, 2011, 12:42 pm

    Aw my boyfriend is terrible at bras, belts, buttons, etc. But he’s not bad in bed.

    I think 7 and 11 are pretty good predictors though… if kissing him isn’t pleasant, having sex with him probably won’t be either.

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  • avatar

    ladybug August 23, 2011, 12:43 pm

    #1 – getting your bra off?…..
    #18 – he doesn’t event TRY to take your clothes off – he’s too busy working on his!! Really?

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  • avatar

    savannah August 23, 2011, 12:44 pm

    personally i’m a big fan of 9. I think its because i’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years yet he’s still pretty obsessed with my body. I like the out of control feel about it.

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    • avatar

      eelizg23 August 23, 2011, 3:30 pm

      Towards the end of my 3.75 yr relationship, when the boyfriend still hadn’t outgrown the gropey stage, I definitely did not find it cute anymore. In fact, I figured that if something didn’t change, inevitably I would snap and tear through the town on a homicidal rampage. Just thinking about it now is angering me a little.

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    • avatar

      mcminnem August 23, 2011, 4:48 pm

      My boyfriend is a little like this too – he tends to walk by and poke my boobs. But it’s in a cute way, like he’s still kind of amazed that I allow him access to my boobs. :p and never in public…I think that makes the difference.

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    • Budj

      Budjer August 23, 2011, 4:51 pm

      Sounds like 9 is a personal preference.

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe August 23, 2011, 4:56 pm

        Maybe I don’t “clearly” understand what “grope-y” means ( being french ) is it more like a random sexual grab that is un-affectionate ? Because then yes, I think I would not like that too much.

        If it was sensuous touching that was done with affection then count me in !

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      • avatar

        PFG-SCR August 23, 2011, 5:02 pm

        It’s when someone is haphazardly touching different parts of you, not really in a gentle or sensual way.

        I like it…well, I’d not like it if it was during actual sexy times, but I like it as just a flirty way of interacting at other times (not in public). But, I’m a groper, too.

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      • avatar

        Blitzen August 24, 2011, 9:03 am

        I just read your comment in my head with a French accent.

        Because then yez, I would not zat too much…

        HEHE. =)

        I should really take it easy on the coffee.

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe August 24, 2011, 9:15 am

        HAHAH Blitzen, sorry to burst your bubble but I’m French-Canadian…still a cute accent though ..& I SWEAR I don’t say “ehh….” 😀

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      • avatar

        Blitzen August 25, 2011, 12:53 am

        😉

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  • avatar

    Britannia August 23, 2011, 1:14 pm

    I’ve found that it’s a pretty good indicator that he won’t be good in bed if he struggles to put a condom on.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary August 23, 2011, 2:53 pm

      Or if only has one condom in his night stand…which he got for free…from the student health center…

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe August 23, 2011, 2:59 pm

        Ohhhh…. the single condom situation is too D A N G E R O U S !!!

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  • avatar

    2_J August 23, 2011, 1:19 pm

    Numbers 9 & 5 Are not true at all. The rest makes sense to me though!

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  • avatar

    TheOtherMe August 23, 2011, 2:13 pm

    How about the men make their suggestions on what clues us women give that we’ll be bad in bed ? I just think it’s fair.

    Anyone ?

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    • avatar

      silver_dragon_girl August 23, 2011, 2:40 pm

      I agree. Dudes? I want to know if I’m giving off the wrong signals!

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    • avatar

      TheOtherMe August 23, 2011, 3:02 pm

      Oups I hope I didn’t just ruin another possible piece from Wendy with my question, sorry !

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      • fast eddie

        fast eddie August 23, 2011, 7:19 pm

        Fear not Issy, your idea was solid if for no other purpose then an opening to rant a bit.

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    • fast eddie

      fast eddie August 23, 2011, 3:00 pm

      OK, you asked, I respond:
      1. She’s a virgin.
      Becoming a good lover takes knowledge and practice, practice and more practice.

      2. She talks about sex a lot.
      Based on my experience the more she talks about it the worse she is at it.

      3. She’s a drug abuser.

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe August 23, 2011, 3:01 pm

        Only 3 things Eddie, you’re too generous !

        — I knew we could count on you !!!

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      • avatar

        Britannia August 23, 2011, 3:02 pm

        4. Her hair is so stiffly hair-sprayed into place that TRYING to have sex with her would be like trying to move am overized wedding cake.

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      • avatar

        Britannia August 23, 2011, 3:02 pm

        *oversized

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      • avatar

        PFG-SCR August 23, 2011, 4:32 pm

        …and, it looks exactly the same after sex as it did before sex.

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      • avatar

        PFG-SCR August 23, 2011, 4:03 pm

        “2. She talks about sex a lot.
        Based on my experience the more she talks about it the worse she is at it.”

        Wow, then I must really suck in bed…no one tell my husband!!

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      • avatar

        beans629 August 23, 2011, 4:13 pm

        I think there’s a difference between talking about sex and being sexy flirty. I find that in general (men and women) who always talk about what they can do in bed are generally just…bad. They hype themselves up and then when the time comes, you’re like ‘is that it?’ *bummer*

        Now being sexy flirty and sometimes a little dirty is different ’cause that just builds the anticipation and says I’m game if you are. 😉

        BTW, if you ‘suck’ in bed then I’m guessing that you’re husband is probably really happy ‘cuz my hubby always likes that part. 😉

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      • avatar

        PFG-SCR August 23, 2011, 4:27 pm

        I was just joking, and the use of “suck” was quite intentional! 😉

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      • fast eddie

        fast eddie August 23, 2011, 7:15 pm

        I meant that’s 50% of her conversation repertoire. Ergo, too uneducated to talk about anything else and too lacking in self confidence. This happened on several occasions with the same result, namely a cold fish under the sheets. The opposite of never ever talking about sex was the same. I had some first and only dates with both types. It just wasn’t worth the time and effort to go further.

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      • avatar

        cecille October 10, 2011, 7:53 am

        lol! hey fast eddie, do you ever play mafia wars at all?

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  • avatar

    Valerie August 23, 2011, 2:38 pm

    12. You’ve been out four times and he has yet to make a move.

    I can attest from personal experience that this is absolutely false. It took my fiance that many dates before he finally tried to kiss me, and I can assure you, he is top notch in bed. 😉

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  • avatar

    Eljay August 23, 2011, 2:48 pm

    If a guy talks…on repeat…about how fabulously awesomely amazing he is in bed, 10 times out of 10 – HE’s NOT!!!!

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    • avatar

      thyme August 26, 2011, 2:09 pm

      Yes, THIS.

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  • avatar

    Quakergirl August 23, 2011, 2:51 pm

    Aww 14 isn’t true! Well, I guess it depends what we’re calling a bad joke. Racist or sexist jokes I can see the connection, but at that point I think bad in bed is the least of your concerns. Quakerboy tells a fair amount of groan-inducers/punny jokes, but I love that about him. It’s goofy. And he knows they’re terrible jokes so he grins like he just pulled one over on me when I don’t beat him to the obviously punny punchline. But he’s definitely not bad in bed!

    Curious, what was the intended connection? Like what would make a guy who tells bad jokes bad in bed?

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  • avatar

    Eljay August 23, 2011, 2:55 pm

    Anybody here on the east coast feel that earthquake? Freaky.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 August 23, 2011, 3:11 pm

      Yeah pretty crazy stuff my whole office buildig shook!

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    • avatar

      emjay August 23, 2011, 3:22 pm

      Ya! Sitting in class and we were like WTF?!?! This is y we live here, so we don’t deal with earthquakes! LOL

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      • avatar

        Eljay August 23, 2011, 3:39 pm

        LOL!! Exactly!

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      AKchic August 23, 2011, 6:04 pm

      *giggle* Us here in Anchorage (AK) are all mystified at why the East Coast is getting our earthquakes. One wit said that the Founding Fathers synchronized their grave spinning to ruin Obama’s golf game.

      I did play House of Pain’s “Jump Around” in honor of you all though 🙂

      *ducks the flying rotten vegetables being hurled her way*

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    • fast eddie

      fast eddie August 23, 2011, 11:16 pm

      In the last 40 years that we’ve lived in northern California I’ve on felt about a dozen and only 1 was memorable. In 1989 the loma Prieta quake caused the Bay Bridge to collapse which delayed the world series between the Giant’s and Oakland As at Candlestick Park.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery August 24, 2011, 8:58 am

      We apparently get earthquakes in Chicagoland from time to time (every couplea-three yrs). I believe they emanate up from a fault near St. Louis, but they’re rarely more than 3.5 by the time they get up here, and they alway seem to be at like 3am. I’ve never actually felt one in my life, but I always seem to sleep like shit that night, only to wake up the next day and hear about it on the news. Then I’m like “oh maybe that’s why me and the cat tossed and turned.”

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      • avatar

        Quakergirl August 24, 2011, 11:08 am

        I slept through the one yesterday (I live in NYC). I was napping and never felt it, but I did wake up when my cell phone vibrated because my mom was calling in a panic. Had no clue what she was talking about. Then, later that night, there were either multiple aftershocks or multiple large delivery trucks on our street. Tough call.

        And yes, probably the New Madrid fault down by STL causing all the Midwest commotion.

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  • avatar

    spanishdoll August 23, 2011, 3:13 pm

    Oh god, I just broke off dating a guy after 4 dates because I was becoming very afraid of the possibility of sex with him. It was all well and good until he would go to kiss me, and I felt like he was trying to gnaw my face off. He also did actually say, without irony, “no girl has ever told me that they don’t like what I’m doing, they just push me away if they want me to stop.”

    I was out of there sooooo fast.

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    • avatar

      Eljay August 23, 2011, 3:21 pm

      Eeeewww! Yeah, bad kisser is a dealbreaker for me. No. Just. No.

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  • Budj

    Budjer August 23, 2011, 2:25 pm

    More than anything I think the biggest indicator would be how generous of a person he is – focusing on if he is generous at all (any good lover is concerned with their partner 😉 )….and yea…if they suck at kissing they are probably horrible.

    One thing I’m glad didn’t make this list is dancing. Dancing is NOT a good way to tell if a guy is good in bed…and I also disagree with the not making a move one. Just because a guy is shy doesn’t mean once you breach that barrier he won’t rock your world.

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    • avatar

      TheOtherMe August 23, 2011, 2:29 pm

      Finally a ♂ !
      Thanks for joining us ! Actually your first paragraph is pretty universal so it does a little bit answer my question above 🙂

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  • avatar

    misslisa August 23, 2011, 4:23 pm

    Has anyone else noticed this,or is it just me: The more conventionally “hot” a guy is, the greater the likelihood that, in bed, he’ll be performing a log impersonation. My last 2 BFs had gorgeous faces, fine bodies, & huge cocks, yet sucked in the sack. My current man is balding, pudgy, wears trifocals & orthopedic shoes, yet we have the best sex I’ve ever known. Which makes him a hell of a lot hotter than those last 2 clowns!

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    • Budj

      Budjer August 23, 2011, 4:36 pm

      I’ve heard some of my more promiscuous acquaintances discuss that in their experience the hott chicks just lay there and the uglier chicks are more fun / into it….my guess is hotter people in general put way too much stock in their looks…that isn’t to say all attractive people by any means…but if you’ve got someone that obviously has an ego about their looks you should probably tell them to keep their pants on.

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    • avatar

      AKchic August 23, 2011, 6:12 pm

      That’s because the less attractive guys put more effort into pleasing the woman. A “hot” guy generally doesn’t care because he figures that his looks (or his “enormous” penis) will do everything for him. All he has to do is the up down up down piston dance of doom and we will writhe happily like a prom date in a porno.

      This is why I date fellow nerds. They feel that they have something to prove, and dammit, they are going to prove it! And in return, I sing their praises on high (and I will get as many step ladders as necessary, since I am short).

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      • avatar

        mcminnem August 23, 2011, 8:38 pm

        Short nerds for the win! I am one, I’ve got one, wouldn’t change a thing.

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  • avatar

    McLovin August 24, 2011, 11:20 am

    Most of the examples on Wendys list are prime examples of a guy cock-blocking himself. “I don’t know what that chicks problem is, I told her on our first date that I’m like a spider monkey in bed and she still won’t return my calls.”

    I don’t think that any one of these offenses on its own is a sure sign that a guy will be lousy in bed. However, they all point to the fact that he will probably be going home alone most nights and perfecting his white-knuckle-shuffle.

    Reversing the roles, I’ve found that women who can’t come up with one example of ever being spontaneous in their life tend to be mind numbingly boring in bed.

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    • avatar

      AKchic August 24, 2011, 3:59 pm

      Most of those signs are also signs that the guys are either still in their teens, or never progressed past their teens.
      If a guy hasn’t progressed beyond perpetual teenager mentally, then his sexual prowess is sadly lacking. He may be “experienced” by sheer numbers, but he may not be “skilled” in actually giving true pleasure. Why? Because guys who haven’t progressed mentally beyond their teens tend to go for women who are either still mentally in their teens themselves, damaged mentally/emotionally who don’t understand sexual relationships all that well (and end up faking in bed), or are on the younger side (i.e., actual teenagers, or just above the legal age). In other words, women who don’t expect great sex themselves because they have never actually HAD great sex because they don’t know what it is for a multitude of reasons.
      It’s a loss for both sides of the gender thanks to the emotional retardation that keeps these people perpetually in their teens or very early 20s with no hope of ever emotionally/mentally growing up.

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  • avatar

    beans629 August 28, 2011, 1:55 pm

    16. Drinks way too much or smokes A LOT of weed.

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