Today’s guest column comes from Michelle Yoon who blogs at “through the saving glass.”
The allure of the toxic friendship is that it manifests in a multitude of ways and is pre-packaged as a perfectly healthy friendship. Most of us have had one, or still have one: your mom’s best friend’s daughter who has been your childhood nemesis since the day you were named “Student of the Week” in 1st grade; the narcissistic bud who has a serious addiction — himself. Sometimes it can be hard to see the toxic friendship for what it is, so to help you out, here’s a list of 15 friendships to MOA from.
1. She stops answering your texts as soon as she’s back on with her on-again/off-again boyfriend, otherwise known as the “messiah of the losers” amongst your friends, and claims she didn’t get your texts due to AT&T’s sucky coverage.
2. You’re friends with benefits… minus the benefits part.
3. Complaining is her competitive sport of choice.
4. He’s an awesome friend … as long as he’s single. As soon as you see that “in a relationship” status change on Facebook, you know he’s taking a sabbatical from all non-girlfriend related activities.
5. Her closet could be mistaken for the storage room at Bloomingdale’s, but whenever you two have a dinner date, her wallet is conveniently lost, she’s short a couple of bucks, or her credit cards are at home. Oops!
6. You cringe whenever she texts/emails/calls.
7. Your crushes somehow end up as her boyfriends, random hookups, etc.
8. You can’t remember the last time she contacted you first. You’re always the one calling, emailing, tweeting at her, etc.
9. She never fails to “compliment” you on how your acne, mild dandruff problem, and ingrown hairs are “sooooooo adorable!”
10. Whenever you guys make plans to hang out, you expect her to bail 80% of the time. She’s not “feeling well,” or her dog Fifi is going through some hormonal changes.
11. She’s perfected the art of self-expression and has the uncanny ability to steer all conversations from you to her. She even managed to make your aunt’s health problems about “that one time in Europe when she met Fabio.”
12. You’re sure the first item on her to-do list is one-upping you. When you decide to run a 5K to raise money for your local school district, you get a mass email from her saying she is running a marathon to fund education for girls in third world countries, find a cure for AIDS, and end genocide in Sudan.
13. He was the one who reinforced and subsequently shattered your belief in “the one.” Now your afternoons (and mornings and evenings) are spent refreshing your Facebook and Gmail, hoping for any sort of contact from your ex-love now known as your “friend.”
14. He constantly turns to you when he needs a ride from the airport or someone to pick up his pet hamster from the vet. Yet, when you need extra hands to help you move, he’s MIA.
15. He’s your hot, married coworker who looks like George Clooney’s doppelganger, and you find yourself fantasizing about your potentially profound friendship.
* Originally from Seoul, Korea, Michelle Yoon migrated to the not-so-dirty south for college. In between perfecting her fake southern drawl and late-night runs to Waffle House, she nabbed a degree in English and Women’s Studies. Her interests include quoting incessantly from Forrest Gump, hoarding Sour Patch Kids, and daydreaming about Roger Federer. Michelle blogs at “through the saving glass.”