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“I’m White But My Girlfriend Fantasizes About Black Men”

I’ve been dating a girl for a few months whom I’ve been friends with for years. Recently, we got to talking about what kind of people we’re attracted to/what turns us on. Her answer was black men. We’re both white, so that just made me really insecure. Not only that but she said that she wants to have a black baby, too. I asked her if this is all because of the rumors about the size of black men and she replied with: “It’s not really a rumor.” She’s a nurse and she went on to tell me that she “sees things” from time to time. What makes matters worse is that I’ve always kind of had a thing for interracial pornography — specifically, the world of cuckolding, where the wife gets to have sex with as many black lovers as she wants and the husband just has to watch. The fantasy turns me on, but I think the reality would really mess me up. Is it a lost cause? Should I MOA? — White Guy

People’s porn preferences and sexual fantasies rarely indicate what they want in reality. I’ve written it before: fantasies are “a way for people to escape the responsibilities of their realities and to spice up their sex lives. Plenty of couples have sexual fantasies that don’t involve their significant others. It doesn’t mean they all have a desire to act on those fantasies or that their significant others fall short in any way.” So, if your only concern was that your girlfriend had fantasies about black men — or that you enjoyed interracial porn — that wouldn’t be a big deal. It could actually be a great match in that you could enjoy the fantasy together through dirty talk or porn or whatever.

The problem, however, is that your girlfriend seems to be taking the fantasy into the realm of reality by admitting that she checks out black men at her nursing gig and that she wants a black baby. Is she serious about that? Because that’s a pretty fucked up thing to say to her white boyfriend when it’s framed inside a conversation about sexual fantasies. If anything is going to make you insecure it should be that your girlfriend seems a little, uh, touched. But before you rule her out and MOA, talk to her about your concerns. Find out what she meant by that statement — if she was really serious about wanting a black child and what that means for your relationship. Does she want a black baby with a black man or does she want to adopt? Because, if she’s searching for a black baby daddy, that doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship, does it?

If you’ve been friends for years, she may simply see you as just that: a friend, which, you know, is something you should probably be clued in on. But if she truly wants a relationship with you, it’s time to discuss your level of commitment to each other and where you see the relationship going. If she’s someone who sees herself settling down with a black man and having kids with him, your time with her is certainly limited and it’s only fair that you understand that so you can decide whether you’re okay being her FWB in the meantime (if you’re emotionally attached to her, it’s probably a good idea to MOA).

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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{ 19 comments… add one }

  • avatar dez February 1, 2011, 4:17 pm

    “Because that’s a pretty fucked up thing to say to her white boyfriend when it’s framed inside a conversation about sexual fantasies.”

    thing is, they weren’t discussing sexual fantasies. they were discussing their “type.” which makes the whole thing even more messed up.

  • avatar ArtsyGirly February 1, 2011, 4:42 pm

    LW – I always am attracted to tall (well over 6 foot) skinny, dark haired guys with big noses (think Adrian Brody). I feel head over heels with a short blond guy who is more athletic shaped than skinny. Sometimes the person we love does not fit into our ‘type’ because ultimately love is based on personality. We are often initially hooked by the looks but as we get to know them people we did not originally find attractive grow more and more and due to their personality. The opposite can occur too hotties loose their attractiveness when we realize we don’t like their personality.

    As Wendy said the baby thing was weird. Ask if she meant it in reality or was just making an offhanded comment about how pretty interracial babies can be, or even stating a future interest in adoption. Communication is key here.

    It sounds like her only experience with black men is through her job – therefore she has never dated or had sex with a black man. So it is possible that her interest in black men is only hypothetical similar to your porn preferences.

    • avatar belongsomewhere February 2, 2011, 10:23 am

      I was just about to say something similar–I was always attracted to skinny-as-a-rail white guys with shaggy hair and aspirations to be artists or musicians (they usually looked like either Kurt Cobain or John Lennon…), and I fell in love with a not-thin (not fat, either), short-curly-haired Jewish Latino who’s getting ready to apply to law school. Not my “type” at all, but this is the person I’m increasingly sure I will (and want to!) spend the rest of my life with. The “sort” of people you imagine yourself with (based on appearances, career aspirations, etc.) aren’t always the people you end up with, and that’s not a bad thing. If the LW’s girlfriend can look past her fantasy and see a future with this guy, her apparent fascination or preoccupation with ending up with a black man shouldn’t bother him. If it does, or if she continues to talk about this (weird!) but professes that she does see a future with the LW, they could try talking to a couple’s therapist.

  • avatar Natasha Kingston February 1, 2011, 4:42 pm

    Yikes, I hope she’s not taking advantage of her position as a nurse to investigate this.

    I have slept with several black men, and trust me, none of them was particularly impressive. My white husband has everyone beat by a mile.

    I think that she sounds very insensitive and maybe a bit delusional.

  • avatar Lexington February 1, 2011, 4:49 pm

    ………………..

    that’s all I have to say

  • avatar AnitaBath February 1, 2011, 5:10 pm

    Yeah, what Wendy and everyone else said. The LW’s girlfriend sounds pretty tactless and insensitive, to top it all off.

  • avatar fallonthecity February 1, 2011, 8:05 pm

    It creeps me out that the LW’s girlfriend could be using her job as an excuse to check out guys’ junk.

  • avatar Maracuya February 1, 2011, 8:48 pm

    Wow, awkward. To me the LW’s girlfriend is completely tactless and insensitive. Who would answer the question,”What do you find really attractive?” with a paraphrased, “Not you?”

    Also creepy.

  • avatar Lamia February 2, 2011, 1:39 am

    I noticed you mentioned that you like interracial porn and “cuckolding.” Maybe, in her mind, this gave her the green light to share her “type.” She might have assumed you were into black women. Or maybe she thought that sharing her fantasy would turn you on, since that’s the porn you watch.

    Now the remark about wanting a black baby… That I would question. Same with her checking out her patients. As a former caregiver, I just can’t wrap my head around that. :/ I think you should bring it up to her and let her know how it made you feel.

  • avatar spaceboy761 February 2, 2011, 9:50 am

    I would bail before this gets any worse since you’ve only invested a few months in this relationship.

    I can kind of see the temptation to let your fantasies play out in front of you, but there’s also the chance of causing some serious psychological damage to yourself in the process if it’s something you can’t handle. The fact that you’re a bit apprehensive about it instead of “OMG!!! Hottest thing evar!!11!!” is probably your first warning sign.

  • avatar kk February 2, 2011, 10:31 am

    last paragraph:
    “…you’re time with her…”

    fail, wendy!

    • Dear Wendy Wendy February 2, 2011, 10:38 am

      Fixed, and thank you for so politely pointing it out!

  • avatar cdj0815 February 2, 2011, 10:34 am

    I am a black woman that have dated black and white men. My luck they have all been hung like mack trucks, not that “being hung” mattered. I like men, so I have no fantasies about race, mine would be about the complications because of personal experiences. My fantasy that I would like to become a reality, is to find the right one.

    But I do agree with the others, if she is using her job to spy out black males genital and making comparisons, and this is incouraging her fantasy even more than the usual then something is a little off about her.

  • avatar baby.blanka February 2, 2011, 10:38 am

    I have to say it… I feel like women who have already decided what type of man they are marrying, what type of child they are having, etc., really make it worse for all of the other women in the world who are just happy to find someone to love/who loves them in return.

  • avatar Calliopedork February 2, 2011, 11:38 am

    I resent the idea of someone wanting a certain race of child. I agree with some of the other comment, the actual fantasy and her being attracted to black men is fine. The way she told you about it and her using her job like porn is creepy and kind of a red flag

  • avatar Karol February 2, 2011, 8:07 pm

    Dollars to donuts this is a fake letter. Guys into the whole cuckolding thing get off on telling this story to other people, that their woman wants a black man (usually adding the baby part too) and what can they do but sit back and watch because they’re such a wuss white guy. It’s exactly the telling of the story that turns them on about the whole thing.

    A quick google finds this person telling this story verbatim on a different site: http://www.been-dumped.com/member-profiles.php?mode=disp&id=42604 I bet there are many more examples.

  • avatar SS_Boo February 3, 2011, 3:11 pm

    I’m agreeing with everyone here. I would definitely get clarification on the baby comment. Although, I did have friend who admits to never wanting kids but if she did have kids she would want black babies. It’s not because she’s attracted to black men (her fiance is white), she just thinks black babies are beautiful. Of course she also went on to say that she’d give the baby back at age 7 (ha!) so take from that what you want.

  • Chicago-Dude Chicago_Dan February 4, 2011, 5:08 pm

    What’s the fascination with “black babies”? It’s sort of like a revolution kicked off by Madonna & A.Jolie…

    Forget the fact that the LW’s girl is using her stupid fantasy to abuse her work “privileges”, this LW doesn’t get my sympathies because he’s expressed his hidden desire to engage in cuckolding. It’s safe to say your girl’s seeming open to your fantasies – she’s not coy about what she wants. Question you have to answer now is; are you still game?

    If yes, then you can’t really be that down-trodden or tormented by the turn of events. If no, then let it be known; to her.

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