People’s porn preferences and sexual fantasies rarely indicate what they want in reality. I’ve written it before: fantasies are “a way for people to escape the responsibilities of their realities and to spice up their sex lives. Plenty of couples have sexual fantasies that don’t involve their significant others. It doesn’t mean they all have a desire to act on those fantasies or that their significant others fall short in any way.” So, if your only concern was that your girlfriend had fantasies about black men — or that you enjoyed interracial porn — that wouldn’t be a big deal. It could actually be a great match in that you could enjoy the fantasy together through dirty talk or porn or whatever.
The problem, however, is that your girlfriend seems to be taking the fantasy into the realm of reality by admitting that she checks out black men at her nursing gig and that she wants a black baby. Is she serious about that? Because that’s a pretty fucked up thing to say to her white boyfriend when it’s framed inside a conversation about sexual fantasies. If anything is going to make you insecure it should be that your girlfriend seems a little, uh, touched. But before you rule her out and MOA, talk to her about your concerns. Find out what she meant by that statement — if she was really serious about wanting a black child and what that means for your relationship. Does she want a black baby with a black man or does she want to adopt? Because, if she’s searching for a black baby daddy, that doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship, does it?
If you’ve been friends for years, she may simply see you as just that: a friend, which, you know, is something you should probably be clued in on. But if she truly wants a relationship with you, it’s time to discuss your level of commitment to each other and where you see the relationship going. If she’s someone who sees herself settling down with a black man and having kids with him, your time with her is certainly limited and it’s only fair that you understand that so you can decide whether you’re okay being her FWB in the meantime (if you’re emotionally attached to her, it’s probably a good idea to MOA).
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.