I honestly don’t really care that much that he watches porn — he’s a guy. He’s probably been doing that since he learned how to masturbate. What makes me anxious and worried about it is that he watches it while he is supposed to be “be here with me,” lies to me about the “stuff’ on the floor, and the fact that he watches it on MY computer and isn’t even really being that discrete about it since it is still on my history. I’m not sure as to how I should bring this up to him, or if I even should. I wouldn’t mind watching it with him, I mean it seems kind of exciting and adventurous to get ideas, etc. What do I do? Should I approach him about it, and how do I do that? — Disturbed about His Porn Habit
Yes, you should approach him about it! It would be one thing if you happened to be using his computer and noticed he had some porn sites in his browser history. But, not only is this your computer we’re talking about — a computer he just can’t help himself from surfing porn on the second you walk out the door — he’s leaving freakin’ wet spots on your floor for you to discover when you come home from class. Not okay!! Not okay at all!! I mean, this isn’t even about the porn issue, really. This is about common effin’ courtesy. One does not masturbate all over someone else’s floor (without permission, I suppose; I mean whatever floats a couple’s boat) unless one was raised in a barn. By donkeys.
So, yes, you should definitely approach your boyfriend if only to say that you don’t care what he does in the privacy of his own home or on his own computer. You don’t even have an issue with him looking at porn, though you’d feel better about it if he included you sometimes and didn’t feel the need to look at it the second you left him alone like it’s crucial to his survival like air or water or something. No, what you have a real problem with is that he disrespects you by using your computer while you’re away and cums all over your floor like a barnyard animal. And you can say it just like that. There’s no reason to sugar-coat this. What he’s doing is nasty at worst and incredibly disrespectful at best. You don’t need to spare his feelings here. You can bet he sure as shit wasn’t thinking about your feelings when he was, uh, in the middle of things.
So, just tell him. Tell him you checked your browser history, found all these porn sites, put two and two together and realized what the wet spot on your floor must have been and that you are not okay with this equation. Tell him that it’s not the porn you have a problem with per se, but the “when” and “where” of him watching it and the fact that he’s making a mess all over your stuff. Tell him you won’t tolerate that kind of behavior in your home and if he can’t go 48 hours without surfing porn, you’d be more than happy to watch it with him – that you even welcome the idea, actually — but that you’re also concerned with what it says about your relationship that you aren’t enough for him for one weekend. And then listen to what he says. He’s he overly defensive? Does he continue lying about his actions? Is he hostile? Does he try to avert blame? If so, think long and hard about whether you want to continue seeing this guy who not only disrespects you and your personal space/possessions, but can’t man up to his indiscretions when confronted. And, God forbid, he continues behaving like an uncultured animal, this would definitely be a situation in which you should MOA.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.