Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

3 Bad Facebook Habits That Can End a Relationship

Today’s post comes from Sabrina Jackson who owns Free Dating Sites where she focuses on educating online singles about safe dating on the net.

Social networks like Facebook have given us the opportunity to post photos of our weekend escapades, tell our former high school acquaintances what we ate for lunch and post inside jokes on our best friends’ walls. But because Facebook also gives us the ability to share with all the World Wide Web that we are “in a relationship,” it can turn to “it’s complicated” fast. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, DON’T commit these following Facebook crimes:

1. Defining the relationship without a discussion first. Sure, you’ve been dating for a few weeks and everything is hearts and butterflies, however, one mistake that we modern women often make is the one of rushing into publicly announcing that our men are taken, which can easily freak guys out. So before you define your relationship online, make sure that it is first defined offline and you both are on the same page about sharing the relationship with the other 800 million users of Facebook.

2. Stalking/snooping on your significant other. Do you spend evenings taking notes from CSI reruns and have a special knack for detecting keystrokes from across a room? Or is your guy just not smart enough to come up with a Facebook password better than “password123”? Well, even if you were meant to be a private detective, your skills have no place in your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with a light background check of photos and wall posts, but don’t EVER request (or hack) his password. When you obsessively monitor his Facebook (with or without his knowledge) you are doing nothing but demonstrating your unwillingness to trust him. If your man has never given you a reason not to trust him in the past, then you owe it to him (and your sanity) to give him the respect and privacy he deserves. Nothing is more attractive to a guy than a confident woman, so tone down the jealousy, show him that you are confident in your relationship and don’t check up on him to monitor his fidelity.

3. Oversharing. Facebook was created as a means to bring people together for sharing, right? But we all know that there are some people who take to Facebook with reckless abandon and zero regard for the gag reflexes of their friends. Don’t be one of these people when it comes to sharing your relationship. Sure, you may think the kissy pictures are cute, the love letter of a wall-post you wrote him would put William Shakespeare to shame and the arguments you have totally warrant the posting of a dramatic status update every now and then, but think before you hit ‘enter.’ When you disclose too many details of your relationship on Facebook, you will make it easier for people to criticize and judge your relationship. Keep some stuff just between the two of you and your relationship is sure to be much more special.

* Sabrina Jackson is a guest post contributor who enjoys writing about modern dating and relationships. In addition, Sabrina also owns Free Dating Sites where she focuses on educating online singles about safe dating on the net.
 

56 comments… add one
  • avatar

    ForeverYoung January 27, 2012, 3:30 pm

    I despise when couples are all goo-goo-gaga with eachother on facebook. Makes me want to vomit, and they always end up breaking up. I have a theory that the more couples feel the need to “publicly profess their love” the less actual love they have between them.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster January 27, 2012, 3:33 pm

    Funny timing, because FB has been getting on my nerves more than usual lately. Not in any way that has to do with my relationship, though.

    The oversharing thing annoys the hell out of me- I’m talking couples, parents, pregnant women, etc. I do not care how in love you are with that guy you met three weeks ago who you will dramatically break up with in two months. Nor do I need to see a picture of your child’s first poo in the toilet!! This week I had an acquaintance from HS updating her way into the maternity ward. I am not kidding. She updated about her cervix widening, losing her mucus plug, and being given Pitocin. WTF. You’re in labor. PUT THE SMART PHONE DOWN.

    There’s also a friend of mine who just complains constantly “Everything’s ruined!” or “I can’t believe this is happening to me. FML.”

    And there’s my all time most hated status updates: passive aggressive ‘you’ updates. “You’re not as cool as you think you are. Get a life.”

    I do not understand these people. Someone please explain it to me.

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    • avatar

      Kristen January 27, 2012, 3:41 pm

      These are all my most hated too!

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    • avatar

      kittyk January 27, 2012, 3:44 pm

      I’m sure you’re well aware of them, but if not you should check out stfucouples.com and stfuparentsblog.com. A wonderful community of folks who hate that oversharing stuff as much as you (I) do. 🙂

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      • avatar

        ForeverYoung January 27, 2012, 3:45 pm

        Ha! I love both of those.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster January 27, 2012, 3:55 pm

        I didn’t know about the parents one!! Excuse me- I need to go take some screen shots!

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      • avatar

        Something More January 27, 2012, 5:13 pm

        LOL – I read the parents one and am thankful and bummed at the same time that I don’t have those crazy helicopter parents on my friends’ list. I want to submit someone!!!

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    • avatar

      ForeverYoung January 27, 2012, 3:44 pm

      Oh the passive-aggressive ones really are the worst. I have a friend that has at least 3 a week. I refuse to ask her what it’s about because I feel like that just encourages her. It’s like listen, if you have a problem with your in-laws, why don’t you try calling them and talking to them about it? I don’t need to read about it on facebook.

      It’s like people have no shame these days! I miss the good ‘ol days when if people were having personal problems in their lives, they were embarrassed about it! What a concept. If you have baby mama drama, that should be embarrassing to you – not something you want the whole world to know about.

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      • avatar

        Kristen January 27, 2012, 4:22 pm

        Yes, exactly. I hate, hate, hate when people post things passive aggressively just to see if someone will respond and ask them what’s wrong, or to explain. That drives me NUTS, and I always ignore it. Don’t update your status with just a frowny face and then wait for someone to say, “Awww, what’s wrong?? I hope you’re okay!” Pick up the freaking phone, call a friend, and actually tell them what your problem is!

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      • avatar

        ForeverYoung January 27, 2012, 4:26 pm

        I know! That whole begging for sympathy thing drives me nuts. And I see it everywhere in my generation. I’m 24 p.s. Like people need validation for EVERYTHING they do. There’s not one emotion they save for themselves. If their sad they need attention. If their mad at their in-laws/SO/siblings, they have to share that information so that people will tell them they are on their side. It’s pathetic.

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      • avatar

        Kristen January 27, 2012, 4:30 pm

        I’m 24, too, and I’m totally with you on this. I don’t need to read people’s messages about how “SOMEONE obviously doesn’t care about me as much as I thought! Well, go F yourself and see if I care.”

        Really??

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      • avatar

        Amy January 27, 2012, 4:46 pm

        Are you friends with my cousin? I’m about 10 years older than her – and sometimes her facebook posts make me wonder if she’s clinically insane. Other family members actually decided to keep a tally this year of how many of these posts there are. So far they are up to 12 for January. EEEEK

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    • avatar

      bethany January 27, 2012, 3:46 pm

      I usually give people 1 or 2 free passes on stuff like that- Any more and they get unfriended or hidden. I can’t stand that stuff either!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster January 27, 2012, 3:54 pm

        You have no idea. One of my best friends growing up- whose wedding I’m in this year- is the complainer. She had a FB meltdown that ‘her’ photographer was taken on her wedding day. Because there’s only one photographer alive in the Hudson Valley- lower NY’s wedding mecca. *Shoots self in foot*

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster January 27, 2012, 4:34 pm

        I just have to add this because it’s so timely. She just updated her status to this:

        “Can I register for a new life at Bed Bath and Beyond?”

        Kill me.

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      • avatar

        Kristen January 27, 2012, 4:38 pm

        Yuck.

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      • avatar

        Amy January 27, 2012, 4:47 pm

        Oh and don’t you wish she would!

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      • avatar

        bethany January 27, 2012, 4:51 pm

        Dear god. Just hide her posts until after the wedding!!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster January 27, 2012, 5:00 pm

        Unfortunately, she’s always like that, so hiding her would have to be permanent! I just thought it was funny that she lobbed that one up for me right after I was (ironically!) complaining about her. Haha.

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    • avatar

      beans629 January 27, 2012, 4:00 pm

      My personal all time hated status update: Those people who have these really deep philosophical status updates. I’m always like 1)you are NOT this deep in real life. Where are you stealing this from? 2)Are you even applying that status update to your life. Because really if you did you wouldn’t be all drama, drama, FML all the time.
      jeez.

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      • Budj

        Budj January 27, 2012, 4:04 pm

        I feel this way about posts that contain empowering lyrics….most of the time the people posting them are always in some sort of self-motivated crisis and will be coming full circle in 3 days with something new to post about.

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      • avatar

        bethany January 27, 2012, 4:10 pm

        I’m pretty sure there’s some website out there where you can type in a word like “hopeless”, “forgiveness”, whatever, and it spouts out a bible verse all about it.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster January 27, 2012, 4:06 pm

        The best ones are when they’re trying really hard to be deep, but they actually don’t make any sense, are full of spelling errors, use “big” words incorrectly, and are rambling run-on sentences.

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    • liz

      liz January 27, 2012, 9:28 pm

      Hahhaha. Thaaank you. A coworker of mine is pregnant with her first child (which was conceived through a sperm donor, she is married to a woman) and constantly posts every single sonogram, pictures of her wife kissing her stomach, etc..I find it fascinating how people assume others care just as much about their lives as they do.

      I really don’t get it. I put a status up maybe once a week and even then I feel like what I’m saying is annoying and irrelevant a lot of the time.

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    • avatar

      AnotherWendy January 29, 2012, 6:36 am

      I can maybe explain the play-by-play on labor and delivery. The couple may be allowing family to feel a part of things. I know i would be very excited to read those posts if it were my nieces or nephews or close friend. But I can totally see those not so close to the person being annoyed. My parents lived a thousand miles away when my daughter was born and kept calling the room (pre cell phone days) to see how I was doing. One call came right durng the final pushes. My husband picked up the phone and yelled “can’t talk we’re having a baby right now!” He didn’t hang the phone up and they heard her first cries and our excitement. My parents were so excited to feel a part of it via the phone. Still talk about it 15 years later! So as annoying as it is to read those posts, just think there’s others reading them with joy and excitement.

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  • avatar

    SisiSodaPop January 27, 2012, 3:34 pm

    Can I add…..#4 Neglecting your relationship in favor of “hanging out” on facebook? My SO’s facebook addiction had recently gone from bad to worse. After the 2nd week of him sitting on facebook ALL day (while he was sapposed to be job hunting) and completely ignoring me and our daughter each evening in favor of facebook, I left. I took the our daughter and went to my moms for a few days. I guess he didn’t realize how serious I was when I told him to get off the F’n computer already. (He was also guilty of oversharing. It’s nobody’s business how much money is in MY bank account, that we had sex that morning, etc.)…….I know leaving may seem a bit drastic (there were a few other issues we were having as well) but it was a wake up call. He deleted his fB acct yesterday.

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    • avatar

      Kristen January 27, 2012, 3:42 pm

      I’ve never understood how people can spend so much time on Facebook. What is there to do after you read the latest updates in your news feed?

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      • Budj

        Budj January 27, 2012, 3:53 pm

        This. I am a fairly active FBer…but I’m usually not using the app on my phone for more than 25 seconds at a time….I also only have like 350 some friends and blocked A LOT of oversharer’s / no shame posters…so that might help.

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      • avatar

        ForeverYoung January 27, 2012, 4:18 pm

        I go on a FB cleanse like once a year and got mine down to around 140, it’s a good feeling.

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    • avatar

      EB January 27, 2012, 3:48 pm

      umm… if my significant other were sharing my financial information and details of our sex life on his facebook feed, I would stop sharing my bed and finances with him like yesterday

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      • ScrambledMegss

        ScrambledMegss January 27, 2012, 4:10 pm

        Agreed

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      • avatar

        Kristen January 27, 2012, 4:23 pm

        I wish I could like this a million times. I can’t even IMAGINE what my reaction would be if my boyfriend casually posted on Facebook something about our sex life. I would absolutely die. And then kill him, so he’d be dead, too.

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  • Jess

    Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com January 27, 2012, 3:52 pm

    I love how we’re all like, “yeah it can end your relationship, but more IMPORTANTLY, it annoys the crap out of the rest of us”

    to which I will add —YES! So true!

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  • avatar

    Witchmom3 January 27, 2012, 4:01 pm

    I don’t even have my marital status listed on my FB account. I’ve been married for decades and anyone who knows me, knows that. But I do cringe anytime someone updates their relationship status from single to whatever. All I think is, but you were soooooo crazy in love with the other guy a few weeks ago and now you’re on to this one, really?

    And then there’s my nephew’s wife that would post every time she was upset with my nephew for not helping out as much as she thought he should with their kids, talking crap on FB about his family while they were visiting said family, or wasn’t home from his second job, helping disadvantaged kids. Defriend!

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    • avatar

      Renee January 28, 2012, 3:58 pm

      Had an extended relative move her status from married to single, not knowing that her husband was simply gone for a week for business. I was really sad for a few days thinking they were separated, since I was under the impression they had a great relationship. She only did once, but yeah I was worried.

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  • avatar

    FancyPants January 27, 2012, 4:03 pm

    Wait, so Password123 ISN’T a good password? Shooootttt.

    Okay, question for the masses. I snoop on my fiance’s facebook. But not in his private messages or the walls of his ex’s or anything. I just snoop on the pages of weird people he’s friends with that I’m not (I like to keep my friends list small since I post a lot of stuff to stay in touch with family and far flung close friends – he’s not as picky) – I just like seeing what my jerk-ass former roommate is doing (usually something dumb) or I like snooping on the creepy girl Mr. Pant’s friend used to date, etc. He knows I do this and doesn’t care, and I swear I never open his private messages. Show of hands who thinks I’m crazy, and who does this as well?

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    • leilani

      leilani January 27, 2012, 4:08 pm

      I don’t think that’s really “snooping his Facebook”, especially since he knows and doesn’t care. As long as you’re not using it to view his messages or look further into his friendships with girls or something, I think that’s just being resourceful!

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  • leilani

    leilani January 27, 2012, 4:06 pm

    Bleh. I hate the Facebook/relationship intersection. I have been dating a guy for about 4 months, and we haven’t yet put it on Facebook, and I’m not sure that we will anytime soon. In a lot of ways I like not having my relationship status public, as I’m a pretty private person (and having to change it if things don’t work out is always the worst). But its annoying because people assume that because we haven’t put it on Facebook we aren’t “official”, or we have broken up. Like 5 people have asked me why we aren’t together anymore, simply because my Facebook doesn’t say “in a relationship”. Obviously, if people are assuming I’m single, they are assuming he is single as well. I can’t decide if I want to put it or not!

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    • avatar

      ForeverYoung January 27, 2012, 4:22 pm

      But the thing is, if you’re both secure in your relationship it really doesn’t matter what other people think. Like if you are worried that girls will think he isn’t in a relationship – that shouldn’t matter because if you trust him he won’t do anything anyways. Does that make sense? I didn’t change mine until I was two months away from my wedding. Like I went from not having it listed at all to engaged. Some people were shocked, but those people’s opinions don’t matter, because if they did matter they would have already known I was engaged.

      We had been together 2 years and I just didn’t want to deal with the drama associated with going from engaged to single if we broke up. So if you two are secure with where you’re at you shouldn’t feel like you have to change it to let other people know.

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      • avatar

        ForeverYoung January 27, 2012, 4:23 pm

        Oh and i’m not meaning this as in I think you definitely shouldn’t! If you both want to go for it. I just hate it when people feel like they “have to” make stuff facebook official. You certainly don’t have to, but if you want to go for it.

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    • avatar

      Witchmom3 January 27, 2012, 4:32 pm

      Since you’re a pretty private person, I would not recommend changing your relationship status. Your closest friends and family know your relationship status, regardless of what is or isn’t listed on FB. My daughter’s the same way and she’s decided she’s not changing her status until she’s engaged or married.

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    • leilani

      leilani January 27, 2012, 4:47 pm

      Yeah, I know whatcha mean. I’m not insecure in the slightest, and I’m definitely not worried about other girls thinking he’s single and that somehow becoming a threat. I just find it slightly irritating that people assume if it says nothing, it MUST mean that we aren’t serious or are no longer a couple. I don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone, but I don’t want to have to defend my relationship status either!

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    • avatar

      Jshizzle January 27, 2012, 5:20 pm

      4 months? Try 4 years. I just left it all blank. Though I do remember someone asking if we broke up once because we didn’t sit next to each other in a graduate level class. Hahahaha…ahaha. I just decided to sit where I could hear better and he stayed put so he could talk with his friend.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow January 27, 2012, 5:30 pm

      I think my boyfriend and I were together for about 4 months before we changed it… at HIS request. I didn’t want to, but he brought it up and then when I was reluctant to change it, he seemed so sad… and I caved. I figured that everyone who matters already knows we’re together, so why not just put it out there? (And if you break up, you can change it from “in a relationship” back to BLANK so it doesn’t announce it to the world when you break up).

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    • liz

      liz January 27, 2012, 9:42 pm

      Hehe. I’m in the same exact boat. It’s been just over 4 months with new guy and things are great. We are coworkers and just recently came to an event together, and I got a lot of “whoaaaa you guys are a couple?!” type reactions. I don’t really care if it’s posted knowledge that we’re together but I will admit..it bugs me that his status is still “single” but I’ve decided he just hasn’t thought about changing it. He certainly hasn’t updated any other parts of his profile so..I’m not going to let it get to me. I’ll bring it up in a couple months perhaps. Actions speak louder than Facebook. All is well in real life with us.

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      • liz

        liz January 27, 2012, 9:45 pm

        To clarify..I have no status up.

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  • avatar

    MissDre January 27, 2012, 4:23 pm

    I’m so glad I got rid of my facebook account. I’ve been FB free for a year now and I’m SO much happier!!!

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray January 27, 2012, 5:32 pm

      Oh that’s inspiring, MissDre. I want to quit too but there are so many people that I communicate with ONLY via FB. But FB makes me depressed. Everyone is (or appears to be) having a ball, jet-setting, having babies, meeting celebrities, not working, blah blah blah. Those fuckers.

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      • avatar

        ForeverYoung January 27, 2012, 5:39 pm

        I deactivated mine last week. Baby steps.

        Remember when I wasn’t going to Dearwendy until March? That didn’t work out. And then I was like – well i’ll only do it on my iphone – because doing anything on my iphone annoys me so I thought that would curb my usage – and then I am now back to just regular old refreshing the DW every 10 minutes on the laptop. WTF.

        Is it weird that I have more attachment to DW than facebook?

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray January 27, 2012, 5:42 pm

        Ha – I’m glad you didn’t stay off DW. I check DW more than FB now too! I honestly never thought that was possible.

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    • Leroy

      Leroy January 27, 2012, 8:34 pm

      I’m with you. Any longer, I only maintain a facebook profile for professional contacts. Nothing personal. Too much drama and effort entailed in presenting your private life online.

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  • avatar

    Something More January 27, 2012, 5:22 pm

    I heard this on the radio this morning. It’s a pretty hilarious song about “F*ing Facebook.”

    Not that it has much to do with relationships and so forth, but… whatevs.

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  • avatar

    P. James Holland January 27, 2012, 6:36 pm

    These are all definite No-No’s. I know I probably am guilty and have had all of these happen to me! Sometimes people do not even realize what they are doing until after the damage is done. This is probably why I broke up with Facebook for about 3 months and started seeing Twitter exclusively. We have now come to an agreement and we are back on speaking terms. A lot of these relationship “set-backs” are mentioned in the book “My Relationship is FUBAR! Why am dI still here???” here
    Great post Sabrina.

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  • avatar

    Anna January 27, 2012, 8:24 pm

    When it comes to #1, I am glad my relationship started pre-Facebook!! He still doesn’t have a Facebook so I am just “in a relationship” with no one in particular….have joked with female friends about adding them to that spot. lol

    As for #2, I disagree depending on the situation. My boyfriend has my password and checks my FB quite often. As I said, he refuses to start his own account because he doesn’t want one, but is still curious as to what our mutual friends are posting. I really don’t care if he goes on my page because I’m not hiding anything from him. If it were a new relationship, I wouldn’t be that open I suppose but we have been together for 8 1/2 yrs and lived together for 7 1/2 yrs. If we break up, I can easily change the password and be done with it. While we are together, we have trust for each other. I have access to his email but don’t really care to read it, and we leave our cell phones lying around the house unlocked all the time…do we read each others texts? Nope. I don’t see the big deal.

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  • avatar

    Oddy January 27, 2012, 8:27 pm

    I have deactivated my FB for the school year, as it was very distracting for myself last year. And honestly, i am really not missing anything. I Skype with my friends and immediate family members a few times a month, so it’s as if i am at home and not on the East coast. I think the only reason i would stay on FB is all of the pictures i have with my friends and I. Many of my friends admit that is the only reason they stay, so they have access to all the photos. Plus its nice not having to get lame updates from my other friends or invites to stuff i have absolutely no intention of going to. I have been lucky not to experience any weird mushy relationship stuff, but definitely had the lame poetic and “deep” FB statuses that really annoyed me, and really made me question some of my “friends” ability to come up with original statuses.

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