Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Afternoon Quickie: “Should I Tell His Wife He Bailed On Our Threesome?”

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My husband and I were looking for a man to have a threesome with. We have been married for sixteen years and have never done this before, so it would be new to us. We had a written agreement in place as to what was acceptable and how this would work. I began speaking to a guy named Michael, or so I thought. I spoke to him for a week. He told me he was married, but his wife allowed him to seek sex outside of the marriage because she did not have a very high sex drive like he does and only wanted sex about three to four times a month. He answered properly all the questions we threw at him. He passed all the tests we could think of.

He and I were sexting during this time, even exchanging naked pictures. Then we set up a day to meet. I texted him that day and got no reply until later that evening when he said he was sick. The next day nothing, then the next nothing, and then the next day nothing. Now, during this time I decided to snoop. (I so wish I had done this earlier when I had his phone number). I took his phone number and plugged it into Facebook. I found him. He had lied about his name and how long he had been married, and he had even sent me a picture of his wife that was not her. Yet, all the pictures of him matched up. I sent him a text asking him to kindly delete all my pics. No reply. Then I sent him another text saying, “Look, Brian, I would hate for your wife, whom you lied about, to get all the logs of our texts and the pictures we sent. I saved every text into pdf form so that my husband could read them, remember.” Then I attached their recent wedding pic from her Facebook page because they just got married in October, not eight years ago like he told me.

I finally got a reply saying he had deleted all the pics, and I thanked him. Now, here is my dilemma: My husband and I asked him numerous times if his wife knew about him having a threesome with us and he said yes. If I were she, and we were not in an open marriage where we approve everything between us, I would want to know that my husband just cheated on me. I feel that what he just did was cheating. Even my husband agrees and told me to send her all the logs and pics. I know this could give me blow back and I know this will cause problems in their marriage, but at the same time I feel she has a right to know that only four and one half months into their marriage he is doing this. What say you? — Thwarted Threesome

No, do no contact the wife. You don’t even know these people and their relationship/marriage is none of your business. And beyond that, you have no idea what this guy — or his wife — are capable of, and, lest you forget, you sent him naked pictures of yourself. Just because he said he deleted them doesn’t mean he’s telling the truth. He knows your name, your husband’s name, your contact information, and whatever other personal info you shared with him (or that is available for him to find online) and he had/has naked images of you. I’d think that alone should be enough persuasion for you to just MOA.

And take this as a lesson that, next time, be more discerning in your search for a threesome partner and don’t be so quick to share images or information you want to keep private. If you’re going to search potential strangers for a threesome partner, do your “snooping” (otherwise known as investigating or researching) early on, before you agree to meet and certainly before you exchange naked photos.

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Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

17 comments… add one
  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy March 31, 2015, 1:31 pm

    Seriously, LW. You have no clue what their relationship agreement actually is. Maybe she’s totally cool with him seeking sex elsewhere, but isn’t okay with him sending her pictures to potential sex partners, so he sent you different ones. Maybe they’ve been together for 8 years but only married since October. Or maybe he’s lying to everyone. You have no way of knowing any of the details. Let it go and MYOB

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  • mylaray

    mylaray March 31, 2015, 1:31 pm

    Oh my gosh, WWS. Don’t say anything to the wife! The excuse of his wife letting him sleep with others because she has a low sex drive is such BS. It’s important to know how to weed out the people who are legit and the people who are looking to do worse. Like having a platonic meet up before any sexting or anything else comes up.

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    • Stonegypsy

      Stonegypsy March 31, 2015, 1:33 pm

      I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily BS. A lot of people do have that arrangement.

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      • mylaray

        mylaray March 31, 2015, 1:37 pm

        Yeah, but given all the details it likely is. And even if some people have that arrangement, I wouldn’t be okay with it unless I knew and talked to the wife.

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy March 31, 2015, 2:05 pm

        I’m with you, to be honest. I know that ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ arrangements are a thing, but I won’t go near them for a number of reasons.

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      • mylaray

        mylaray March 31, 2015, 2:16 pm

        Yeah, definitely.

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite March 31, 2015, 1:51 pm

    Why didn’t you plug his info into stuff sooner? It’s pretty standard for people you meet on the internet. At least a quick google search

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  • Just Max

    Just Max March 31, 2015, 1:54 pm

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    • Just Max

      Just Max March 31, 2015, 1:58 pm

      From amazon’s description: “No matter who you are, it’s scary to think about what some stranger could dig up about you on the Internet and how they might use that information against you. Let The Smart Girl’s Guide to Privacy help you hack your way through the jungle of privacy chaos, and start protecting your online life.”

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  • avatar

    Juliecatharine March 31, 2015, 1:58 pm

    WWS. LW, there are lots of ways to meet gentlemen for a threesome. I would stick with a more legit website like SLS which is specifically for swingers or sift carefully through the candidates on AFF. FetLife is a great catch all site for the kink community and there are lots of events you and your husband could go to for the purpose of learning more and scouting potential thirds in a low pressure environment. Seriously though, if you’re concerned about privacy, no nude pictures. They’re really unnecessary and add an element of anxiety that you don’t need for something casual and fun. Good luck, be safe, and enjoy!

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  • avatar

    tbrucemom March 31, 2015, 2:06 pm

    Full disclosure – I don’t understand the desire for a threesome. Seriously I’m too jealous to see my husband have sex with someone else. However, if I did have the desire for one I wouldn’t have handled it the way the LW did. She didn’t bother to check out his story until red flags showed up. Took his word for everything and sent explicit texts and pics without meeting him in person?! He could have sent a pic of Hugh Jackman and said it was him, lol. To answer your question though, DO NOT contact the wife or “MIchael”. Chalk it up to lesson learn and if you still insist on pursuing a threesome be smarter next time.

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  • gigi

    gigi March 31, 2015, 2:52 pm

    Even on hook-up sites you will find cheaters. I don’t think you should tell the wife, keep in mind that this is probably isn’t his first time attempting to cheat, nor will it be his last….he will likely get caught on his own eventually. There are too many ways this can go against you if you try to tip off the wife.
    Here is my tip for weeding out the cheaters…ask them if they are available in the evenings, weekends & if they can host at their place. Most of the time, if a guy is married, he wants day-time hookups & can’t have you over at his place.

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    • Nookie

      Nookie April 1, 2015, 3:54 am

      That’s what I thought too, he’ll get his in the end. And if not, what is it to this lady? I mean, it stinks for ‘Michael’s’ wife but she’ll find out most likely.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark March 31, 2015, 7:18 pm

    Um. Hello. People like you — meaning vengeful pyschotic batshit crazy freaks — are precisely the reason why people like him LIE about who they are… Its also — HELLO! — why he bailed on your threeway, too. I suspect he quickly smelled your mesofuckingnuts stink a long way off…

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  • Cassie

    Cassie April 1, 2015, 12:18 am

    See, this is why it’s a bad idea to go cruising Craigslist Casual Encounters.

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  • Raccoon eyes

    Raccoon eyes April 1, 2015, 8:46 am

    This can’t be for real, right? I mean…LW has to be at least early/mid 30s? Yet acting like the Junior High Relationship Police???
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    If this is real- LW, you are acting like a child throwing a tantrum in public and stomping your foot. But instead of just ticking off everyone around you and embarrassing your parents, you want to potentially damage a marriage of two people YOU DONT EVEN KNOW. So, let this be a learning experience to you. Just before careful. Also, you aren’t the Relationship and/or Internet Police.

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  • Monkeysmommy

    Monkeys mommy April 1, 2015, 10:53 am

    My take on it is this: this guy probably never planned to really meet you and follow through. He enjoyed the thrill of sexting and pics, not thinking you would scout him out and stalk him down when he decided he was done playing with you. He probably does this shit all the time. At the end of the day, his penis did not touch you or your husband, you never even met. I don’t think you can truly call this cheating. Should he have sent you dirty texts and pics? Hell no! But it isn’t the same as if he followed through.

    So why do you want to tell? You say it’s because “you would want to know” and “husband agrees he is wrong!” Why do I think you want to tell? Because you feel personally slighted he bailed out, and you want to make him atone for that. Stop it. You will potentially crush his new bride- and for what?? What do you gain from it?? Maybe she DID know, but he decided you weren’t his type and didn’t want to offend you, so he stopped responding. Maybe you sounded like you were getting too invested to him. Maybe they just found out she is pregnant and he wants to settle down. Whatever the reason, you have no right to upset his wife over your stupidity.

    Maybe exercise more caution in the future with whom you want to swing with.

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