So then things changed in a way I still struggle to understand, based on how great things seemed to be between us. The short version is that I could sense him pulling back, which I tried to respond to by giving him that space and being cool, but eventually I snapped and drunk-texted him that I was frustrated with him, which prompted him to text me that he liked me a lot but wasn’t ready for a serious relationship (but then he followed up the next day saying how unsure he was and that I’m amazing.)
Despite being infuriated by his handling of the situation via text and silence, I asked him to get together to chat, because I wanted more clarity about what happened. I learned that his initial pulling away was actually because of an embarrassing temporary health issue, but my drunk texts indeed freaked him out and made him realize I was ready for something that he wasn’t ready for. What made it harder though was that he seemed torn even in this conversation, saying how great I was and acknowledging that he’s immature and probably foolish. He said he wished he were meeting me a few months down the road and hopes maybe we could have something again in the future, but he would never want me waiting around for him either. What it came down to was that he hasn’t dated much and feels like he needs to date more women to figure out what he really wants in a relationship. A part of me gets that, but there’s also a part of me telling me I’m a fool to think it’s simply timing and his not being ready, because if he really thought I was as amazing as he said and if it were meant to be, then he wouldn’t have the need/desire to start going out with new girls.
I should mention how amazing this conversation was, despite not being the outcome that I wanted – it was by far the most honest conversation I’ve ever had with a guy about relationships/dreams/desires/feelings – all while falling into tangents and laughter – and, ironically, I felt even closer to him despite the fact that we were ending things.
He told me he wanted to keep in touch as friends (which I said was cliché and doomed to failure) whether I liked it or not, but the moment we started chatting via text one day, he started saying things about how he still thinks about me and hopes I’m still open to something in the future (and that I haven’t made my Marine brother hate him). After some reflection, I wrote back to him somewhat angrily saying it wasn’t fair of him to ask me those things while offering nothing in return, and that I don’t want someone who has to see what other options are out there before he knows he wants to be with me, and that while perhaps he could try to change my mind someday, I was adjusting my mindset to close myself off to the possibility right now. He said he just wanted me to be happy and not hate him, and that was that.
I haven’t heard anything from him since (over a month), though he still “likes” things I post on Facebook once in a while, and always reads my Snapchat “story” (sighhh the evils of social media). I have a feeling he’s pretty active on Tinder (one of my friends actually stumbled across him), and he has a new Snapchat best friend who’s clearly a girl (and yes I know this is creepy, but I saw that he wasn’t Facebook friends with her – read, hoooookup – nor was she very attractive, which makes me feel better in a way, but also even more frustrated/confused, feeling confident that he can’t do better than the match we had).
I have enough sense to know that the best thing for me to do is move on, and that’s what I’m trying to do – focusing on my career, friends, health (I’ve lost 8 lbs. and toned up, and must say, I’m looking awesome), and being open to going on dates, though I haven’t met anyone who excites me yet. I definitely think less and less about this guy as time goes on, but I can’t help wondering about him sometimes and feeling like he’s going to come back into my life (although I’ve determined that it has to be completely initiated by him and I should not ever reach out to him first).
I guess what I want to know is, am I a fool to completely believe everything he said about me and perhaps wanting something in the future? How much does timing and maturity/not being ready really factor in, or is it all just a sign that it’s not meant to be/he just wasn’t into me enough? I know I can’t expect him to come back around ever (nor does he deserve to), but do you think it sounds like it might happen? On the other hand, might I have deterred him with my last message about shifting my mindset, and, if I’m still feeling this way in a couple months (again, after plenty of time with zero contact), might it be worth it to reach out to him in a small way? I’m trying not to be a crazy obsessive girl, and I truly AM moving on, but I just know that unless I happen to meet someone else even more incredible (not likely in this city, haha), I’m always going to feel like there’s something really worthwhile there that we still need to explore.
I know you can’t truly know what’s going on in this guy’s head, but I would really love your take on it, the issue of timing and not being ready, and whether I should hold out any hope . . . and if there’s anything more I can do (besides just living my life) to spark something, or if I should just accept that I’ve scared him off enough and should never bother him again! — Hoping for Better Timing
Oh, girl, you said it yourself several paragraphs upthread: “if he really thought I was as amazing as he said and if it were meant to be, then he wouldn’t have the need/desire to start going out with new girls.” He’s just not that into you. I don’t care how amazing you think your connection was and how honest your breakup conversation was and yada, yada. If the guy wanted to be serious with you, he’d be with you. Forget timing and maturity and all of that. You’re just making yourself crazy — and yes, you DO sound like a crazy, obsessed girl, and no, you DON’T sound like you’ve moved on. At all. I don’t care how many pounds you’ve dropped or how much you’ve toned up or how awesome you’re looking now. (Next, you’ll be chopping off all your hair and declaring yourself SO over him. Right.).
This was a casual 3-month relationship that ended two months ago. You haven’t even heard from the guy in over a month. And yet, you are still stalking his social media and checking out his new snapchat friends and writing a 9-paragraph letter to an advice columnist and just, in general, acting like a head case. Get it together. The ship has sailed. Sure, maybe one day he’ll express interest in you again and maybe he’ll be at a point where he could give you the commitment you want. But, for your sake, I hope you have moved on by then and aren’t still pining away, obsessively checking his Snapchat, comparing yourself to pictures of his unattractive presumed hookups, and waiting breathlessly for him to text you or “like” your next Facebook photo where you show off your now 10-pound weight loss. Dignity and self-respect are worth more than winning a guy by default after he’s gone through every other woman in town and decided maybe you’re ok, after all.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.