Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Afternoon Quickies: “I Don’t Want to be Friends if I can’t Be His Girlfriend”

I was seeing this amazing guy for about four months. Everything was great. He told me he had feelings for me and I felt the same way. Then, out of nowhere, he started ignoring my calls and texts. I demanded an answer, and he said that, even though he cares for me and has feelings for me, he can’t be my boyfriend or anyone else’s because he has family issues that he is going through and he can’t be good company. We didn’t contact each other for a month, and, when I finally called him, he told me he was happy I called because he had lost my number. He then called me quite often for a week until I found out he is seeing someone. I asked him about this, and he said that, while they went out a few times, there are no feelings. I’m really confused because this guy seems like he wants to be friends only, yet I have strong feelings for him and I just want to know if it’s right to tell him I can’t be friends. — Have Enough Friends

I don’t know what you’re confused about. The guy told you he didn’t want to date you anymore. He broke up with you. He “lost your number.” And you two were only back in contact after you initiated it. I mean, no shit he only wants to be your friend and nothing more. If that’s not cool with you, MOA. Don’t even bother telling him you can’t be friends — just follow his lead and lose his number.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

45 comments… add one
  • avatar

    iseeshiny April 8, 2014, 2:06 pm

    You don’t wanna be friends? Was this a… bad romance?

    No seriously though, he’s just not that into you. And it’s completely ok to not want to be friends with someone you would rather date. What would be shitty is to hang around pretending to be his friend, waiting for the day (that never comes) that he changes his mind. You put yourself into Nice Guy/Girl™ territory that way, and that territory is all bad road.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest April 8, 2014, 2:14 pm

      That’s what my icon says!!!

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      • avatar

        iseeshiny April 8, 2014, 2:27 pm

        Sure enough, it does. I never could make it out before, haha. It makes a lot more sense now 🙂

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      • othy

        othy April 8, 2014, 3:13 pm

        I’d never been able to read it before either. I just thought it was a cute hedgehog.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 8, 2014, 3:18 pm

        Its a porcupine and a balloon. Says caught in a bad romance. 🙂

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  • avatar

    ktfran April 8, 2014, 2:07 pm

    Unless you’re over the age, IDK, 50, or a hermit, can the “lost your number” trick even work anymore?

    Facebook.
    Twitter.
    LinkedIn.
    E-mail.

    I once had an old high school friend (before FB), google me. My work contact info. was on-line from some conference and so she e-mailed me because she wanted to get in touch.

    I mean, come on.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl April 8, 2014, 2:15 pm

      Yeah, in this day and age…I don’t buy “I lost your number”

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      • LlamaPajamas

        LlamaPajamas April 8, 2014, 3:29 pm

        I desperately want to tell you that your mom bought it when I told her that last night, but I really don’t know you well enough.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl April 8, 2014, 3:34 pm

        hahahaha.

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      • avatar

        Eljay April 8, 2014, 3:41 pm

        LOL!!

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray April 9, 2014, 8:59 am

        atta girl!

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    • theattack

      theattack April 8, 2014, 2:18 pm

      Agree completely. I feel confident that I could find a way to contact almost anyone I wanted to contact, especially if we lived in the same city. My friends and I used to leave windshield wiper notes for each other all the time even. It’s definitely not a truthful reason.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 8, 2014, 2:21 pm

        Just because he lost it and didn’t try to find it doesn’t mean he didn’t actually lose it. I’ve lost lots of numbers but just never bothered to find them because I didn’t care to.

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      • theattack

        theattack April 8, 2014, 2:23 pm

        Haha, well that’s definitely true that he could have lost her number for real. It’s just that that’s not the reason you’re not contacting the person. You could have found the number and contacted them if you wanted.
        .
        But I don’t really understand how people lose numbers. Don’t you save them into your phone? I don’t think I’ve ever lost a number in my life.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 8, 2014, 2:23 pm

        Um, you told me you lost my number last week…

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      • theattack

        theattack April 8, 2014, 2:27 pm

        What I really meant was that I found a new girl. Duh. ktfran is in. You’re out.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 8, 2014, 3:02 pm

        Well I still love you. I hate ktfran though. Back off kt.

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      • avatar

        ktfran April 8, 2014, 3:26 pm

        Ooh, them are fighting words.

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      • avatar

        ktfran April 8, 2014, 2:27 pm

        That’s more what I was getting at. He could have very well lost her number, but I honestly rolled my eyes at the “he was happy I called because he lost my number bit” and the LW taking that as a good sign. Hell, maybe he was genuinely happy. But I don’t think it’s for the reason she was hoping for….

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed April 8, 2014, 2:35 pm

        My phone randomly deleted some of my contacts. I still don’t know how. So it has happened. But I got the numbers back that I wanted. But yeah, if you want them, you’ll get them

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      • avatar

        ktfran April 8, 2014, 2:22 pm

        Yes. If someone actually wanted to find you, they will. Losing your number is just lip service.

        Witness protection program. Someone in that will most likely be hard to find.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. April 8, 2014, 2:38 pm

    It’s totally okay to not want to be friends. He is sending you signals loud and clear that he doesn’t want to date you. Just MOA and get on with your life.

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  • veritek33

    veritek33 April 8, 2014, 2:46 pm

    He sounds flaky, you certainly don’t have to be friend with him

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle April 8, 2014, 2:50 pm

    Yeah, I don’t know what’s confusing to you— you outline the situation with accuracy. “…seems like he wants to be friends only” <— yes. "I have stong feelings for him…" <— yes. But, like, you said, he only wants to be friends. That's a recipe for unhappiness. Do WWS & lose the dude's number.

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl April 8, 2014, 2:53 pm

    So, to go against the grain. I say you ask him wtf is going on. He dumped you, then a month later said he was happy to hear from you, and now is stringing you along. WTF dude? And then dump him anyway because he sounds like a flake.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest April 8, 2014, 3:01 pm

      Maybe he thought she wanted to be friends? I mean, saying you’re happy to hear from someone doesn’t mean you want them to date you again or that you’re being strung along, right? Maybe he even thought she just wanted to date casually, since she called him after he specifically said he doesn’t want to be a boyfriend.

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl April 8, 2014, 3:03 pm

        Yeah, it could be any of those things! But she is clearly looking relationship, so get the answers and GTFO.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 8, 2014, 3:05 pm

        She got the answers I think, just doesn’t like them. 🙂

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 8, 2014, 3:07 pm

        But it probably isn’t the worst idea to ask and get shot down again. Maybe she’ll believe it this time?

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl April 8, 2014, 3:19 pm

        true. Apparently I’m just confrontational today.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 8, 2014, 3:22 pm

        I’m being what my mom would call “difficult.” Its her nice way of saying “you’re being a pain in the ass again.”
        🙂

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    • Lady_Red

      Red_Lady April 8, 2014, 10:37 pm

      This is what I was thinking! LW, call him out- ask him exactly what he’s looking for. It sounds like he’s either stringing you along, or too chicken to just tell you that he’s not interested. Either way, you’re done with him, why not force him to step up and say the words? Or if that’s not something you can see yourself doing, just “lose his number” and be done with it.

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  • avatar

    bethany April 8, 2014, 2:59 pm

    This doesn’t really apply much to the LW, but I’m having a slow afternoon, so it’s story time!!

    In college I had this friend, we’ll call him Greg. I was IN LOVE with him. Like soooo in love. We were friends for a few years, and hung out all the time. People thought we were a couple, and he’d get mad/annoyed when I hung out with other guys. But he never made a move. Finally one night I told him I was in love with him, and he said he didn’t feel the same way. Somehow we managed to stay friends (and I stayed in love with him). He moved away for a few years, but we kept in touch, and then when he moved back we fell into the exact same pattern. For 2 or 3 years we spent 4-5 days a week together. We snuggled on the couch watching movies, we went to the pool, and running and drinking and it was just awesome. And I was soooooo in love with him. Once again, I told him, and I got shot down. It was horrible. But he was such a good friend that I couldn’t just stop hanging out with him.
    I was finally starting to realize that I couldn’t keep doing this to myself, and he really wasn’t as great of a friend as I thought he was… Then I met Dave. Once Greg could tell that I really liked Dave, he started to get even more possessive of me. He’d make comments about me going on dates with other guys, and then one day when we were watching a movie, he put his hand on my leg in a not just friends sort of way. Of course I’d wanted that for years, but it was too little, too late.

    The moral of my story is that it’s heartbreaking to stay friends with someone who you want to be more than friends with. You think it’s worth it because you don’t want to lose their friendship, but it’s not. They were never really just your friend to begin with.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray April 9, 2014, 9:01 am

      I love story time! Every day there should be a “Story Time with Bethany” tucked in the comments somewhere.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson April 8, 2014, 3:03 pm

    I’m confused about your confusion.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 April 8, 2014, 4:03 pm

    Yeah if I guy tells you he can’t be your boyfriend because of x,y, or z he is just lying, he can’t be your boyfriend, because he doesn’t want to be. If his family problems were that bad, he wouldn’t be dating this new check. Just lose his number.

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    • avatar

      bethany April 8, 2014, 4:05 pm

      Bagge– I’ve been keeping track of all the stuff that’s been lost in my house (and who lost it), as I promised to do last week. I’ll report back on Thursday with my findings.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 April 8, 2014, 4:08 pm

        Hahaha ok, sounds good! I don’t think anything has been lost in my house this week! I also need a much bigger sampling size than a week, anything can happen in a week!

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      • avatar

        bethany April 8, 2014, 4:13 pm

        I’d be happy to keep a running total for a month 🙂
        Last night he asked me where something was, and I got a lot of satisfaction out of saying “Where was it when you asked me last week, cause it’s still there”

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  • Miel

    Miel April 8, 2014, 5:21 pm

    I’ll do like Bethany and tell a small story too 🙂

    So when I was a freshman in college, I began hanging out with this guy Tom who was a friend of a friend. He was pretty cool and we had a lot of our breaks together so we spent a lot of time together. Our common friend wouldn’t stop making those comments on how Tom should totally take me on a date (he would say that right in Tom’s face) and I would giggle and it was all so cute.
    .
    Summer came and so I found Tom on facebook so we wouldn’t lose touch. We began talking on facebook like crazy. Like multiple hours per day kind of crazy. It was cool. He would keep doing all those things that I thought were “signs” but he didn’t invite me on a date. Toward the end of the summer, I said “oh, what about this movie, do you want to come and see it with me?” and he said yes and I was like “OMG a date ! I’m melting already”.
    .
    Movie goes well, he’s charming, everything is nice. But then, he doesn’t show up on facebook for A WHOLE WEEK. And because I didn’t have a cellphone back then, he didn’t text either. Basically no contact for a week and I was like what the hell. Then he comes back again on facebook, we begin talking like crazy again, and everything is back to normal. He tells me he was away from facebook because “The new World of Warcraft came out”. wtf.
    .
    About a month later he suggest we go see another movie. I’m again “OMG second date!”. Yo, the dude gave me the silence treatment again after this one. A whole month without talking to me. I couldn’t believe it, so I just forgot about him. He tried to talk to me again but I was just not feeding the conversation anymore. Whatever, good riddance.
    .
    Like six months later, I see his new profile picture (he never posted anything else on facebook) and he’s obviously with a girlfriend and she looks NOTHING like me. Like complete opposite. And then I understand that all that time, there’s no way I was his type of girl, at all. So yeah.
    .
    Moral of the story, when a dude stops talking to you, he doesn’t want to date you.

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  • avatar

    Eljay April 8, 2014, 6:22 pm

    “Moral of the story, when a dude stops talking to you, he doesn’t want to date you.”

    PREACH.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark April 8, 2014, 8:02 pm

    Then don’t.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark December 31, 2016, 8:16 pm

      Hah! This was my EXACT response just now when I read this headline two years later…

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  • kare

    kare April 8, 2014, 10:14 pm

    This makes me think of the whole “friend zone” myth. You don’t have to be friends with someone, especially if you’re going to project your feelings onto their actions. Cut your losses and move on, there’s plenty of people out there who will want to be more than a friend. Besides, I feel like this guy could be back burner-ing you. I wouldn’t give an explanation and slow fade (if that’s even necessary as he might not initiate much contact anyways).

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  • avatar

    Lauren December 31, 2016, 4:53 pm

    The guy you just described sounds like a jerk he had no right to friend zone you so yeah you should tell him the truth I’d tell him more then just that you can’t be his friend a guy friend zoned me and I told him he’ll find the right friend for him that it’s just not me then I proceeded to call him a rat which might sound immature but if you knew this guy you would too

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