Two quickies in one today!
The catch is my older brother is having a big wedding in November and, when I told my parents about my marriage and wedding plans, they told me we were being selfish and sabotaging my brother and his fiancé’s time and will cause a rift with my brother’s fiancée’s family, even though we plan to have just a small private ceremony at this time out of respect. How is there a right choice here? How can you choose between your family’s wishes and your own happiness? — Running Out of Time
Have you considered that your parents are using your brother’s wedding as an excuse to dissuade you from getting married? Maybe they don’t like your boyfriend or don’t approve of you getting married so quickly, and it’s easy to blame your brother’s wedding for their lack of support. Or maybe they truly think your brother and his bride would be deeply upset by your getting married around the same time as they are and “stealing their thunder.” You know how you find out the truth? Talk to your brother! Explain your situation to him (and his fiancée) and tell them how important it is to you to respect them while doing what you need to do to ensure that you and your boyfriend can stay together. Maybe they have some suggestions for you. My suggestion would be to do a courthouse wedding (just the two of you) and a ceremony at a later date, maybe in the spring.
Moving in with (future) in-laws for two years is a terrible idea. (If you need to save money for your wedding that’s two years away, get a part-time job or a roommate who isn’t a parent of you or your fiancé). An even worse idea than moving in with future in-laws for two years is continuing with plans to marry a guy who has so little regard for you that he looks at a house behind your back and and doesn’t bother to discuss with you the details of your living arrangement for the next two years. I would stay where you are, put the wedding on hold, and work on communication with the boyfriend. If things don’t improve between you two, you should move on. Honestly, there are so many red flags in this letter (boyfriend’s too busy to communicate with you; boyfriend is a mama’s boy; you don’t seem to be on the same financial page; moving in with mom and dad for a couple of months to save money for a wedding that’s two years away and then deciding that, oh, maybe we’ll move in with them for two years = super manipulative), that, if it were I, I’d move on NOW. But, then, I’d never spend over two years planning a wedding I couldn’t afford without moving in with family either.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.