Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Afternoon Quickies: “My Boyfriend Won’t Introduce Me to His Son”

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months now and I have not met his seven-year-old son yet. My boyfriend knows I want to meet him but has done nothing to make that happen. I need to jump back a bit so his excuse of me not meeting him makes sense. Back a year ago, he tried to make things work again with his ex, the mother of his son, but it didn’t go so well. They had a huge fight, she refused to let him see his son, and she wouldn’t open her door to let him get him for his weekend visit, so he pushed the screen door open and in doing so hit her. She then had him arrested for breaking in and assaulting her, and says she feared for her life. My boyfriend spent a night in jail, had to wear an anklet to monitor his whereabouts for three months, and was sentenced to a year probabtion which is up in May.

So now his excuse: he doesn’t want me to meet his son until after the probation is lifted because the crazy ex could say or do anything to have him thrown back in jail if she knew about me. Is that just a lame excuse or does he have a valid point? — Wanting to Meet the Son

May is less than six weeks away. Can’t you wait a little longer? Are you seriously going to make a big deal about this? Why? What’s the point? Your boyfriend had to spend a night in jail. He had to wear an ankle monitor for three months and has been on probation for almost a year. His ex wouldn’t let him in the house to pick up his son for his (I’m assuming) court-sanctioned visitation/custody. And you’re going to question whether the situation with the ex is extreme enough to warrant your boyfriend being cautious about dragging you in? You’re going to pick on him about having to wait a few more weeks to meet his son? You need to chill, follow your boyfriend’s lead, and respect the boundaries he’s put in place to protect his son, himself, his relationship with his son, and you.

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42 comments… add one
  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl March 20, 2014, 3:11 pm

    He has a very valid point.

    My uncle has been to hell and back dealing with his (finally) ex wife relating to custody of their children and visitation with his new fiance. Does it absolutely suck to have to do “silly” things to please the court? Yes. But his probation is almost up and doing this “silly” thing could likely alleviate probation issues and/or ex wife issues. You really haven’t been dating THAT long, and his probation is up pretty dang soon, so yes you need to let this go.

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  • katie

    katie March 20, 2014, 3:16 pm

    wow, yea WWS. you sound like a crazy person. it seems like your boyfriend has a thing for crazy women.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray March 20, 2014, 3:28 pm

      this is your thumb up.

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    • rosie posie

      rosie posie March 20, 2014, 4:17 pm

      I’m thumbs upping this too. As if this guy doesn’t have enough to deal with he needs his high maintenance girlfriend nagging him about this. I see nothing wrong with people waiting as long as they need to before introducing their child(ren) to their new significant other. Too many people don’t seem to understand how doing this too soon (and possibly having a revolving door of other women/men they introduce their children to) could have a lasting negative impact on a child.

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      • avatar

        Sue Joness March 21, 2014, 10:58 am

        Yep, thumbs up. (Where are the thumbs BTW, did I miss something?)

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray March 20, 2014, 3:22 pm

    Yup, I’d say that’s a pretty valid point he has raised.

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  • avatar

    bethany March 20, 2014, 3:30 pm

    What everyone else said… LW, you need to wait.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay March 20, 2014, 3:44 pm

    Nine months wouldn’t even be that big a deal even if he didn’t have all the drama with the ex. I’m a little concerned that you don’t see that as a valid reason. I mean that in the nicest way possible, but you may need to take some time to just relax and let things play out.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle March 20, 2014, 3:46 pm

    I think this situation is too much crazy for you to even consider being peripherally attached to… maybe you should just find someone without this kind of background? I understand some roughage in the page, but this isn’t really past…

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  • avatar

    Banana March 20, 2014, 3:54 pm

    Honestly, the fact that the LW *doesn’t* seem to understand how important and valid her bf’s concern is, makes me wonder if she’s ready to be a step-mom (or pseudo-stepmom). It says to me maybe she doesn’t even fully understand how important this kid is to her boyfriend, or how big a responsibility being a parent is, or how the kid is not going to be a small or fleeting part of the father’s life. LW, if you don’t get this stuff — if you can’t see, plainly, how very important your boyfriend’s relationship with his son is, and how important it is to protect it, PLEASE DON’T DATE SOMEONE WHO ALREADY HAS KIDS. This just sounds like the prelude to another letter we’ll see later, along the lines of “My boyfriend is always ignoring me to spend time with his child, ugh. Is this just a phase?”

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  • mrmidtwenties

    mrmidtwenties March 20, 2014, 3:59 pm

    Ummm….LW…. I’m going to say he has an extremely valid point. The dude is on probation for 6 more weeks, relax a little. Also 9 months isn’t a long time to wait and meet someone’s kid without the whole probation happening, and considering your inability to understand this, I hope he holds off a little longer to make sure it’s worth his son meeting you.

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    • avatar

      Banana March 20, 2014, 4:02 pm

      EXACTLY!

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson March 20, 2014, 4:04 pm

    The one exception to the ‘don’t trust a guy with a “crazy ex”‘ rule is – when going through custody proceedings. There is nothing that makes people worse humans than fighting over their kids. But it’s for the love of the children! Somehow, no, it never is. It always becomes about punishing the other parent and “winning” publicly by being the primary custodian.

    And yeah if you don’t believe him, and aren’t willing to wait 6 weeks, that says much more about you than him.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs March 20, 2014, 4:13 pm

    am i the only one who thinks this guy sounds like a total tool?…why is it always the psycho ex? there was obviously enough evidence that he assaulted her to have him thrown in jail….the ex said she feared for her life….why does no one make note of that? it could be he doesn’t want you to meet his son because he is a $hit father and his son and ex are scared of him…..i think you should tread lightly and at the first sign of any violent tendencies get the hell away from this guy….he could also be making excuses because he still wants his ex back and that is the real reason he doesn’t want you to meet his son….sounds fishy to me….be careful

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    • rainbow

      rainbow March 20, 2014, 4:18 pm

      We posted at the same time.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson March 20, 2014, 4:18 pm

      I normally agree with you, except that I see this shit go down during custody proceedings all.the.time. Magically someone is scared for their life. Magically a restraining order is taken out. All to get custody of the kids. Dirty tricks all over the place. So I agree, normally. Except when there’s a custody battle going on, and then all bets are off. I see the absolute worst in people. It’s really rather depressing actually.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson March 20, 2014, 4:20 pm

      Oh and about the breaking into the house – what I see is that he went to pick his kid up for his weekend I’m guessing, the mom wouldn’t let him because she’s mad at him about the breakup, he tells her it’s his time he’s leaving with the kid even if he has to get the kid himself, she says she’s calling the cops, he opens the door, he pushes past her to the get kid, and BAM! Assault! Breaking and entering! Restraining order. Andddddddd the wife wins. Fine. I’m jaded.

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      • avatar

        Banana March 20, 2014, 4:28 pm

        I agree with you. I think his story is very plausible. At the end of the day, none of us have enough details to know for sure whether this guy is just a desperate father in dire circumstances, or a violent maniac, but I’m not inclined to jump to the violent maniac conclusion. Fun thought exercise: if the genders were reversed, would everyone be as eager to assume that a hypothetical mother is a violent maniac, and not just desperate to see her child?

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      • GatorGirl

        GatorGirl March 20, 2014, 4:32 pm

        I totally agree with you. I’ve seen similar craziness played out in custody battles two of my uncles are involved in. The one woman is so crazy she has gone so far as to bring up allegation of sexual abuse which absolutely NO ONE can find evidence of (the children’s physiologists, doctors, and social workers included). I’m not one to take abuse allegations lightly, but people will do f-ing crazy things to “win”.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson March 20, 2014, 5:07 pm

        Oh god I see that a lot too. It is truly fucked up what people do, and get away with, when it comes to custody fights. The allegations of abuse really affect me emotionally. To have your kid interviewed by psychologists based on your “fear” that they are being abused, when you know they’re not, just to win, is so so so fucked up. And I’ve seen it too many times. I see so often how parents hate each other more than they love their kid, despite being the “concerned parent” that just really really thinks their kids is being abused. Sometimes I think they believe their own lies.

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  • rainbow

    rainbow March 20, 2014, 4:18 pm

    Doesn’t it bother you that he broke into his ex wife’s house? I would want nothing to do with this guy.

    Add the fact that this is most likely the sanitized version of what happened, since that is what you get as the new girl, and it’s pretty disturbing. Honestly, I hear “spent a night in jail and had to wear an anklet to monitor his whereabouts for three months and was sentenced to a year probabtion” and I have a hard time believing it was only an accident with a screen door. And even if it was, come on: THIS GUY BROKE INTO HIS EX WIFE’S HOUSE WHILE HIS KID WAS THERE.

    Drop the fucker like a rock.

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    • avatar

      cdobbs March 20, 2014, 8:04 pm

      that is exactly my take on the situation

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark March 20, 2014, 4:49 pm

    Um… Screen doors open outwards. Always. I don’t see how that would ever be pushed in as described… Suspect story told by BF…. Very.

    That said LW is among the most clueless ever on here. And how.

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    • avatar

      Banana March 20, 2014, 4:57 pm

      Maybe it was locked, so he pushed the screen inwards to try to pop it out.

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      • avatar

        Banana March 20, 2014, 4:59 pm

        (Not saying it’s easy to tell, either way, from this letter whether the guy is a violent maniac or not — just saying, it’s an explanation that makes a lot of sense, actually.)

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    • katie

      katie March 20, 2014, 6:28 pm

      no i agree. i mean this LW is crazy, because at best this is a guy with some severe ex baggage AND a child, and at worst this guy is physically abusive. either one of those scenarios is enough to walk.

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    • avatar

      Nina March 21, 2014, 9:04 am

      That was actually my first thought! Don’t doors open outwards?? hmm….glad I’m not the only one who thought that.

      She sounds clingy and he sounds sketchy. Pass!

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    • avatar

      bethany March 21, 2014, 9:06 am

      True that. All 3 of our screen doors/glass doors open out. He could have possibly pushed the screen in, like to bust it in, but that’s going a tad more crazy than just shoving open a door.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark March 20, 2014, 5:01 pm

    Okay… But then he DID break the door. Totally fucked up… My oh my… So… Today we have women championing both statutory rape and now explaining away guys busting down the front doors of their exes… But — hey — I’m the misogynist.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson March 20, 2014, 5:08 pm

      I’ve had a front door open inwards.

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    • GatorGirl

      GatorGirl March 21, 2014, 8:35 am

      We had these screen doors as a kid, they opened outward but had two panels that popped in and out. It was so you could exchange the screen panel for a plastic “storm door” panel for the winter. So, yes while I agree he was clearly in the wrong breaking a door to enter the home (hello, call the police first!) I can see how it’s plausible for this scene to happen.

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  • Crochet.Ninja

    Crochet.Ninja March 20, 2014, 4:03 pm

    I think you need to really think about the relationship you want with this man and his son. Being a step-parent can be hard, and a difficult ex can make it harder. Heck, even if the ex is really nice, it can be hard. When you marry someone with a child, imho, you’re committing yourself to this child as well.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark March 20, 2014, 5:12 pm

    It wasn’t just a front door. But the screen door. You can’t have two doors both opening inwards… Its not Possible.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson March 20, 2014, 5:14 pm

      True. I guess I’m just imagining him saying if you don’t let the kid come with me I’ll come in and get him myself. And pushing open the screen and then the front door. Maybe she was physically blocking the door, maybe he pushed it and she was on the other side of it. He probably took probation over taking it to trial because if he settles the custody stuff can get solved faster (normally custody trails criminal trials). I get it, I’m jaded.

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray March 20, 2014, 5:40 pm

      In my prior abode, the screen doors were sliding.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark March 20, 2014, 5:57 pm

        Again — then for it to hit her in the head, he’d have to somehow bust the door in. To me, that’s pretty fucked up. I guess, everybody else lives in a very different world — one where this kind of behavior is normal… Yikes.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray March 20, 2014, 6:00 pm

        Oooooh that was your point. I just read “Screen doors open outwards. Always.” and I thought “no they don’t, aha!”
        *
        In other news, a couple of years ago you recommended these really cool patio chairs by West Elm but it was toward the end of patio season and they were out. I just checked West Elm’s website and the patio chairs for sale this season look FUGLY. I want the one you recommended – it came in pretty, vibrant colors and in a slick shape. Blerg.

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  • avatar

    Painted_lady March 20, 2014, 5:40 pm

    Look, I’m not saying it’s totally impossible that everything happened like the BF said. But it just feels….really convenient. I don’t doubt that people do really ugly, nasty things in divorces. I don’t doubt that people lie about things no one should ever lie about. But the thing is…unless this couple is under a legal system that works way faster than ours, the time frame doesn’t make a lot of sense to my knowledge. I don’t know how fast all that works, but it also feels like an unusually (though for guilty parties, not unjustly) severe punishment for someone who has no prior assault arrests and with whom there isn’t a lot of proof. So…it just feels like there’s a lot of strangely severe and fast consequences, though I don’t doubt for a second that people are capable of lying in awful situations like divorce.

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  • findingtheearth

    Findingtheearth March 20, 2014, 5:43 pm

    I work in family law. Sadly, trumped up over blown behavior and allegations are common. Personally I would want to read the police reports and see the pictures from the incident before I pick sides. As a parent, 9 months is not too long to wait. My kids safety is of utmost importance.

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  • avatar

    Bossy Italian Wife March 20, 2014, 5:46 pm

    WWS 100%!! Stop being so selfish– 7 months is a flash in the pan. It’s not your right to meet his kid and he has every reason to hold back on you not just for the obvious reasons but also because you haven’t even been dating a year! Take a chill pill.

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  • avatar

    DreamPlanActLive March 20, 2014, 6:00 pm

    You have been dating LESS than a year and you want to meet his child?!Where is the logic in that??Even if he was not under probation,you still have no right to demand to meet his kid.It is not healthy for the kid-or any kid- to meet their parent’s every boyfriend/girlfriend,especially so soon.
    About the probation thing,I can only speculate that he told you a more polished version of the story to paint his ex wife as a psycho and make you think of him as a saint and martyr.

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  • avatar

    spark March 20, 2014, 7:24 pm

    1. 7 months is not long enough to meet a kid that young. Give it a year and see where you stand.

    2. Do you realize that he could be facing life in prison, depending on the state, if he violates the probation on those charges? Is it really that hard too wait?

    3. I have to agree with the people who said this raises red flags. His story sounds plausible, but an oversimplification at the same time. And don’t forget that he PLEAD to those charges. He didn’t get placed on probation at random. He accepted responsibility and agreed to be on felony probation! That’s a huge deal, and I’m sure it wasn’t a decision taken likely.

    4. Even you acknowledge that he hit her while trying to push his way into her house. Not cool. It’s called domestic violence, and nothing justifies it. If he was really supposed to have the kid at that time, why not call the police to enforce the custody order? I get that that’s drastic, but what kind of father allows his son to see him totally lose it and push and hit mom? RED FLAG. And she obviously had no problem calling the police on him.

    On these facts, he doesn’t seem like a prize, but then, LW… do you?

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