From the forums:
The thing is, I started dating him a few days after I broke up with my ex, and during these nine months I keep checking my ex’s profile in any of his social media accounts. I do it out of curiosity. Some people say that I can’t move on by doing this, but I don’t have contact with him anymore since I respect my boyfriend and I want this current relationship to last.
Recently, I found out that checking an ex’s profile is an issue that might ruin a new relationship. I never cheat on my partner because once I’m in a relationship I’m faithful, but it scares me that this — checking my ex’s profile — might called cheating. I asked some people whether it’s cheating or not, and they say no because I have no contact at all with my ex — we sometimes run into each other in our community but we don’t talk each other anymore — so I don’t know why I feel guilty.
One time my other ex texted me asking how I was doing and replied and then told my boyfriend because my friend said if I love him I should tell everything related to my exes, and he seemed to be a bit jealous. I explained to him that we were just texting a little and I stopped because my ex seemed to expect more. My boyfriend understands this and even trusts me more now because I want to tell him this kind of thing. But I’m afraid if I tell him that I’m checking the other ex’s profiles, I will give him something to worry about.
Is checking an ex’s profile cheating, even I do not have contact with him at all? Do I need to tell my boyfriend about it? Or should I just stop? Sometimes I think this guy might beat me or dump me for something wrong I do. Or worse, I don’t know. I guess I need to get to know him before we share a place together.— Define Cheating
The fuck? No, checking an ex’s Facebook page is not “cheating.” And, no, you don’t — and shouldn’t! — tell your boyfriend every time you do check an ex’s profile. But there are three important things we need to address: 1) If you are checking an ex’s social media pages regularly “out of curiosity,” then you really aren’t over that person (and by “regularly,” I mean anywhere from once a week to once a month; don’t even get me started on “once a day”); 2) if you’ve never met your boyfriend in person, he’s not your boyfriend; last and most certainly not least, if you’re seriously worried that this guy might abuse you for something wrong you’ve done, that’s for real messed up and you need to MOA immediately and seek some therapy.
Reading through your forum thread, it seems clear you aren’t in an emotionally healthy place to have a boyfriend. Beyond sounding naive for an almost-24-year-old, the idea that two days after ending a relationship you’d start “dating” some guy in a foreign country that you met on the internet and seriously entertain thoughts of letting him move in/to you to start a real-life relationship before even meeting him all while you’re regularly checking your ex’s Facebook profile to see whether he’s with the girl who has a weird stare is bizarre to say the least. Get off the internet, get yourself some help, and put the brakes on your dating life until you get your head screwed on straight.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.