Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Am I Wrong To Not Allow My On-Again Girlfriend To Be My Facebook Friend?”

I have had an on and off relationship with “Sheila” for three years — more off than on. One night while she and I were together, I received a very late night text from a friend of twenty+ years whom I was talking to on a regular basis. She is an attractive woman but not someone I would ever date — no connection, not my type, just a good friend. Anyway, as I received the text, Sheila wanted to know more about her because she thought I had been or was currently messing around with her. I explained everything about our friendship, and I also explained the story about some of the girls with whom I had become friends on Facebook during our “off” times, some whom I had dated but who were now friends only. Some of these ex-girlfriends who’d become Facebook friends were women I dated eighteen to twenty-five years earlier. My ex-wife of fifteen years never had this problem with my being Facebook friends with them, but Sheila does.

The next morning, I got messages from my friend who had texted the night before, as well as a girl I had gone on a couple dates with. My longtime friend told me that Sheila had tagged herself in every one of her photographs on Facebook; the girl who I had gone out with a couple of times got a friend request from Sheila. I had not talked to that girl in six to eight months and she lived in another country, so it was a surprise to hear from her. When I tried to talk to Sheila about how what she did was wrong, she started to question every picture of every girl I was in a photo with on Facebook. I then blocked her because I had had enough of the interrogations, and we ended the relationship again.

Recently we have begun speaking again. I had deactivated my Facebook account to avoid controversy and because I lost a bet. I was also getting tired of politics on the site. I would get on from time to time when my son was visiting to share with friends and family our time together, but I would then deactivate again.

Last night we went to a club where I’m friends with a (female) bartender. I introduced Sheila to my bartender friend who is attractive but, once again, not someone I would never date. Well, Sheila asked if I was friends with her on Facebook. I said I have never been involved or interested in her, but that, yes, she is a friend on Facebook. Sheila couldn’t understand how I could be Facebook friends with her and not with Sheila. It got very heated, we had to leave the club, and I chased her for forty-five minutes trying to explain that what she did in the past made it hard to trust her and that she needed to earn that trust back. She’s done things much worse than the Facebook fiasco, so she needs to work to earn back my trust.

I just want to know: Am I wrong for not allowing her as a friend on Facebook at this time? She told me to ask a public forum what they think and that’s why I am asking you this question. — On-Again For Now

Honestly, I think if you even have to ask this question, you don’t belong together. It doesn’t even matter what the answer is — which, in my humble opinion, is: Yeah, you’re wrong for not “allowing” her to be your Facebook friend if you’re genuine about re-building a relationship with trust and open communication. I don’t believe you want a real relationship with her though. I think you both feed on the drama and this whole “Facebook fiasco” is a great way to continue stirring it up. You were married for fifteen years, so clearly you aren’t a teenager anymore. Aren’t you too old for this bull shit?

My ex-boyfriend of two years and I broke up about a month ago. He realized he wasn’t in love with me. This was a very big shock for me, as he’s a kind gentleman and always showed affection towards me. I miss the guy dearly. I would genuinely like to be able to keep a friendship with him. Also, he was a good example for my younger brother. Would it be weird to invite him out to dinner with us just to be able to keep some kind of friendship with him and my family? — Missing Him

 
If he has a new girlfriend, would you invite her too and be ok with her coming as well? If the answer is no, then you aren’t ready for a friendship with him yet.

My ex and I never really broke up. We have an 18-year-old child together, but his parents never liked me. About five years ago, he walked out of my life and started dating a woman he doesn’t love. The reason I know this is because two weekends ago we met for coffee and he told me they fight all the time and the reason he is still there has to do with money. His name was put on the deed of her home to help krrp it from foreclosing. He also said he wants out but doesn’t want to move back with his mom. I completely understand! That day we spent together was like we had never skipped a beat. Our conversation, and love for one another, was still there. He called me “honey,” which he always used to do, and he told me how beautiful I am. I can feel the love between us and now it leaves me wanting my family back together.

Should I try a speak with him about us? — Wanting My Family Back

 
He abandoned you and your then-13-year-old son five years ago to go live with another woman, and you’re actually considering taking him back because he called you “honey” and told you you’re beautiful? Oh, honey, no. He’s using you for a place to live. He doesn’t love you. Love doesn’t abandon you without any explanation for five years. Love doesn’t meet you for coffee to tell you his woe-is-me tale about being trapped in a loveless relationship for financial reasons. That’s not love. That’s desperation. And taking him back — even thinking about taking him back — isn’t love, either. It’s loneliness. He is not the answer.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

58 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Sara March 23, 2017, 9:25 am

    LW1 – MOA, MOA. If you’re on and off, “mostly off” that much, you shouldn’t be together at all. And “I chased her for 45 minutes.” WTF? All I could think of was Key and Peele’s Meegan sketches. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4bwef7

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    • avatar

      csp March 23, 2017, 10:40 am

      That video was amazing.

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    • avatar

      tangerbean March 23, 2017, 11:47 am

      Haha! That video is perfect.

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  • avatar

    Northern Star March 23, 2017, 9:26 am

    I don’t understand you, LW #1. You’re Facebook friends with everyone you’ve ever even took out for coffee, and yet you refuse to connect with your current girlfriend? Sheila thinks you don’t want her seeing what you’re up to on social media. I think she’s right. Might as well be “off again” again. Since you don’t trust her, why are you with her?

    LW #2: Listen to Wendy.

    LW #3: Lordy. No. Just, no.

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    • Stonegypsy

      Stonegypsy March 23, 2017, 12:28 pm

      I think it’s totally reasonable not to be friends with someone who has historically stalked your facebook acquaintances.
      I don’t think it’s reasonable to date someone that crazy, but if you are, not allowing them on your facebook is just good sense in terms of protecting those acquaintances from the crazy.

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      • avatar

        Northern Star March 23, 2017, 1:40 pm

        I think a random friend request and Sheila tagging herself in photos on Facebook doesn’t make her a stalker. It makes her territorial. If Sheila’s in those photos, why is it so weird to tag herself? Why wasn’t she tagged in the first place? Is the LW trying to come across as single on social media, or what? It sounds like the LW didn’t friend Sheila, then Sheila figured out WHY he didn’t friend her (can’t appear single if your girlfriend is all over your page!), and tried to stake her relationship claim online.

        Sheila does sound possessive and jealous. But this LW sounds super shady as well to me.

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      • avatar

        ktfran March 23, 2017, 2:32 pm

        The way I read it, Sheila tagged herself in photos she wasn’t even in!

        “The next morning, I got messages from my friend who had texted the night before, as well as a girl I had gone on a couple dates with. My longtime friend told me that Sheila had tagged herself in every one of her photographs on Facebook”

        That’s some crazy level shit.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros March 23, 2017, 2:44 pm

        I read it that way, too. Considering Sheila didn’t know these people and he had to tell her who they were, I doubt she was in photos with them. Reaching out in bizarre ways to people she doesn’t know, simply because they are female friends of this guy she likes is super weird. It’s a step below threatening people or harassing them.

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      • avatar

        Northern Star March 23, 2017, 2:45 pm

        Oh, if that’s the deal, then Sheila’s a nutjob (I read it as Sheila was tagging herself in the LW’s photos; which I realize isn’t the most logical read, now thatI think about it).

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      • avatar

        Northern Star March 23, 2017, 2:46 pm

        What do you hope to accomplish if you pull a move like that? Like, what was Sheila’s plan, exactly, I wonder?

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      • avatar

        ktfran March 23, 2017, 2:49 pm

        It’s a little confusing the way it’s written! I agree with Janelle in that before I read that he’s been married and has tons of life long friends, I thought they were in college or something. Or younger.

        WOW!

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      • avatar

        Kate March 23, 2017, 4:28 pm

        I also read it as she tagged herself in all of this woman’s photos, who she doesn’t even know, and she isn’t in the pics. Some people are crazy on FB. A few months into dating my husband, his ex sent me a friend request during the night (she was probably drinking). We had never met, and I assume she wanted to look at my pics and/or message me. I cant remember if he was still FB friends with her at that point, but if so, it ended then. Once someone does something ridiculous on FB, I would unfriend them too.

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      • avatar

        waking-up March 23, 2017, 7:04 pm

        Thank you, that’s all I am trying to do, protecting my acquaintances while trust is built back from things that have happened in the past. Might be to late to do that now, but either way it would be a long road ahead.

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    • avatar

      waking-up March 23, 2017, 6:56 pm

      You’re right that I don’t trust her because of past things that have happened on Facebook, not to mention other things. But I am or have been attempting to build that trust in other ways without having the possibility of her going on a post rampage, threatening or causing problems on social media. But it may be to hard to build that back because of so many things that have happened.

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    • avatar

      waking-up March 24, 2017, 5:22 am

      I wanted to make the attempt to reply to as many comments that I could in regards to my topic.

      Well, I haven’t friended everyone that I’ve taken out for coffee first of all. But I found that to be quite funny. I honestly don’t care what she sees on my social media because nothing that I post or do is inappropriate. I don’t have fake friends or send request to the random hot girls who post on Facebook, Instagram or anything like that. I don’t send or make inappropriate comments on friends pictures of how hot they look or even give a like to it. Especially when I am seeing someone. I find it disrespectful to whomever I am with.

      In response to your second post, she is possessive and does have a jealous streak in her but would never admit it. I honestly don’t understand why because she is honestly the most beautiful women I’ve ever known. Not to many women could compete against her beauty. Anyways the tagging herself in photos was done on my friends page of someone she doesn’t know, wasn’t in any of her photos, as the photos where of my friend and her son or family photos. Not only that but when she was on my friends list she had also went though just about everyone of my photos, questioned who the photos were with, especially if it was a women and pretty much accused me of have some sort of sexual connection with or had an interest in.

      I know, it’s ridiculous at times to even try at times but I do care about her. I wish I could mention all the things that we, her, I have gone through over the years but I can’t. All that I can say is that I tried to get back the women that I once met but the trust is gone and I don’t know if we could ever get it back. I’m not trying to portray myself as being a saint, I’ve been shady to at times to, but not nearly as much as she has been. If you only knew!!

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      • avatar

        csp March 24, 2017, 8:25 am

        That is really weird! I thought she had tagged herself in pictures of you on friend’s pages. Like if there is a picture of my husband or Son on facebook, many people tag both of us, not just the one in the picture. Did she accidentally select all and tag all? still weird but at least it was individually tagging all the pictures.

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      • Cleopatra Jones

        Cleopatra Jones March 24, 2017, 10:07 am

        I think we all know a Sheila (beautiful but really crazy).

        At any rate, you don’t trust her and she isn’t even working on building up your trust again. As a matter of fact, she’s not even pretending that she’s going to work on building your trust, or repair the relationship.

        Please move on. Her craziness doesn’t have anything to do with you! It’s her insecurity about who she is, and she’s trying to lay her insecurities on you for you to fix. If she’s unwilling or unable to fix herself, she’s not ready to be in any kind of relationship.

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      • avatar

        Irishgal March 25, 2017, 3:48 am

        The woman you once met does not a exist. The woman you once met was a fantasy in your head based on your presumptions of who was before you really knew her. Now you know her …this is who she is and always has been.

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  • avatar

    Brise March 23, 2017, 9:42 am

    LW1: I wouldn’t date Sheila, or wouldn’t have a Facebook account. Both are incompatible. Sheila is either a obsessive jealous person – what you imply – or you are a flirt. Anyway, it doesn’t work, does it? Leave the relationship and deactivate your Fb account: you will be much quieter on both sides.

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    • avatar

      waking-up March 23, 2017, 7:11 pm

      Well, while I disagree on being in a relationship and having Facebook as incompatible. I do agree that she is obsessively jealous and I can be a flirt, but not a flirt over social media. I don’t like other girls selfies, bikini pics and don’t post anything that would be considered inappropriate. All of my friends on my account are people I actually know and have either been friend with for years, family, people I went to school with or even dated when I was younger but have maintained a friendship only relationship.

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine March 23, 2017, 10:03 am

    LW 1 should definitely stay on FB and provide popcorn for the drama that is sure to unfold. Seriously dude I’m sure there are some redeeming qualities that keep you coming back for more but 3 years of mostly off is a major waste of time and energy. Cut the cord already.

    LW3…..omgaf NOOOOO.

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    • avatar

      waking-up March 24, 2017, 5:28 am

      Yes, there are some amazing qualities that she does possess but some things that she does make me wonder if the time and effort are worth it. It has been draining but it has been hard to cut the cord. We always find a way or a reason to see one another and she has a way to reel me in to try once again. I keep thinking things will be different and they are for about a week and then it all changes.

      So how do I cut the cord permanently? Quit my job, move to another state, change my number, get off of social media and change my name? She always finds a way but then again sometimes I do as well. I don’t do drugs, but if I did she is my drug!

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  • Cleopatra Jones

    Cleopatra Jones March 23, 2017, 10:07 am

    LW #1: Break up with Sheila, and don’t ever be ‘on’ with her again. It doesn’t matter if she’s over-possessive or you’re a flirt. Y’all don’t want the same kind of relationship.

    LW #2: You don’t really want to be his friend. What you want is to try and get back into a relationship with him under the guise of ‘friendship’. Do yourself a favor and move on. He decided that the relationship was not what he wanted so respect that. Honestly, you are setting yourself up for a FWB situation that is not going to work out well for you.

    LW #3: WWS. I know you think that y’all have a special love but you don’t. That guy is looking to use you as his escape plan from his current unhappy relationship. I’m going to guess that he probably used her to escape from your relationship. Please don’t be his escape plan. If he wants to end his relationship, then he should figure that shit out himself. Once he’s free to date then you can see if y’all’s special love is still there.

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  • avatar

    for_cutie March 23, 2017, 10:07 am

    LW 1. Just no. You are an adult, yet you write a long post about facebook? Live in the real world – the one where you don’t actually commit to dating Shelia. MOA.

    LW 2. It is way too soon in my opinion. You were together 2 years and you were the one dumped. It is time to focus on you and rebuild – not try to maintain relationships that will never be the same as when you were together.

    LW 3. WES. He is using you to make his life easier. He will just take from you, and then leave you again when it is convenient for him. You deserve better. And BTW, your ex DID break up with you when he left you for someone else.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo March 23, 2017, 10:47 am

    It might be time for an edition of “Really?” (formerly with Seth Meyers) Really, you don’t trust each other enough to be on social media, and you’ve been on and off for years, and she’s psycho-tagged every photo on your woman friend’s page, but you have some questions to ask about moving forward with this woman? Really? Really? Your ex broke up with you a month ago because he didn’t love you and you think maybe you want to invite him to dinner to be “just friends”? Really? Really? Your ex left you completely in the lurch to be with another woman he doesn’t love, but now he says things aren’t going well, so you wanna take him back because he talked sweet to you once? Really? Really? REALLY????

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    • avatar

      LisforLeslie March 23, 2017, 12:01 pm

      Too perfect. I just want Amy P sitting next to him chiming in: “Really?”

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      • Diablo

        Diablo March 23, 2017, 4:56 pm

        Amy Poehler is one of the 4 or 5 funniest women alive.

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  • avatar

    csp March 23, 2017, 10:48 am

    LW1 – I get why your apprehensive. It sounds like she burned you before. I think you need to decide if this is a real relationship. If you are committed and monogamous, then not having her be your facebook friend is weird. It sounds like you surround yourself with lots of beautiful women and you need to find out if Sheila is comfortable with that. You need to have talks about ground rules and expectations.

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    • avatar

      waking-up March 24, 2017, 5:35 am

      Yes, she has burnt me before but I’m not saying that I was always the Prince Charming either at times. I have tried to explain who my friends are on social media, what type of friendship we have and so on. It really doesn’t matter to her until she has actually met the person. I’ve made attempts to introduce her to some and it was only then that she got it but it was only with that one person. Ground rules and expectations don’t apply to her though. She questions everything and everyone. What their interest or intentions are even if they are in a committed relationship and still are friends with me on social media.

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      • avatar

        Red26 March 24, 2017, 10:39 pm

        I was in and on off again relationship for over 3 years. I finally blocked him from all contact. We were both very possessive. I know I lost my trust in him over other things and then his fb page became the evidence of why I should not trust him. Wendy is spot on with the comment of being attracted to the drama. My ex had different excuses for why he could not add me to his Facebook. He said it was only for his family. I felt like he didn’t value me enough, perhaps he didn’t want his family to find out about me in person or through social media. Even after I gave up, I came to the conclusion that we were not right for each other. I do have trust issues but he didn’t even want to try to help reassure me that I was wrong. I had a bad experience where I completely trusted the person. I dated a cop who didn’t have time to add me on Facebook, and later I found out that he had a girlfriend. I did meet some of his friends but clearly they knew I was the mistress while I did not know. Anyhow, on my on and off again relationship I think we both got back together because of loneliness and the sex. When we got back together he like the LW1 would say how beautiful I was and that I was stubborn and that he was in love with me. But clearly, I could not trust him which means he isn’t right for me. I was acting crazy. I used to search him on google to find the truth because clearly my gut has been telling me he is wrong for me. Similarly, the LW’a ex knows that the LW is wrong for her but she is probably too lonely to let him go.

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  • avatar

    Janelle March 23, 2017, 10:52 am

    LW1: It baffles me that you said you’d been married for 15 years because you sound like a college aged kid. So does Sheila. You both need to grow up.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph March 23, 2017, 11:56 am

    Oy vey.
    LW1 and Sheila are a prime example of why I always say that old people ruined facebook. Right up there with crazy aunts that comment on your posts “You look great. Love you. XOXO Aunt Judy.” Like I know its you, Aunt Judy, your name is right. there.
    If you were serious about being with Sheila, you would be her FB friend; there’s just no logic for someone to be FB friends with every person they know, except the one with whom they are in a committed, long-term relationship. But then you’re not really in a committed, long-term relationship with her, and that’s clearly not working for either of you. Also you should do yourself and your son a favor and delete your account, because if he isn’t old enough to be embarrassed by your web presence yet… he will be soon enough. There are other ways to share your father-son moments than facebook. Try a nice family newsletter email, instead.

    LW2, just no. I believe that in almost all cases, the desire to be friends is just lingering relationshippy feelings that you don’t know where else to place. Once you are truly over him, you probably won’t want to be his friend anymore. Give it some time and then see if you have gotten past “I still love him” and “I hate his guts” to “whatever, have a nice life” or if you still want to be friends.

    And LW3, this guy is another adult acting like a child. Having his name on her mortgage is a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship, but sharing a son with you was NOT a reason to stay? Hell to the no. Your son is 18 so you don’t even really need to co-parent with this guy anymore. What you need is to be cordial at your son’s high school graduation (or whatever events you might both show up at FOR YOUR SON) and otherwise have no relationship with this dude.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros March 23, 2017, 12:14 pm

    LW1: I think her behavior warrants not being Facebook friends, but you shouldn’t be trying to maintain a relationship with a person you can’t trust to be Facebook friends with.

    LW2: No, it’s going to get too messy. The fact that you are putting him on a pedestal so much that this is so important to you means you’re not over him enough.

    LW3: Doesn’t matter why he’s with her. He chose to be with her and not you. Move on.

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    • avatar

      waking-up March 23, 2017, 7:15 pm

      I agree to your comment and I’m trying to get to that point of either learning to trust her or letting her go.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark March 23, 2017, 12:15 pm

    Eh, I think some of you are way too harsh on LW1 — Shitshow, er… I mean Sheila has already proven that she can’t not STALK people on FB in a way that would seriously UNNERVE me. Shitshow clearly CANNOT handle FB. Actually, LW1, Shitshow Sheila can’t handle dating fyi…
    .
    LW2 — I think you still yearn for your ex which makes him lousy friend material. (For now.)

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    • avatar

      Ange March 23, 2017, 8:44 pm

      I agree with you because I was once the recipient of a Sheila style crazy once. I had casually dated this guy a couple of years before, it had stopped though we talked occasionally over FB just in a ‘hope you’re well’ kinda way. Anyway I was at my now-husband’s place one night and I got this email at like midnight. It was from his on again off again girlfriend and she dumped this bucket of crazy on me demanding to know the nature of our relationship and wanting me to explain to her why she should trust her guy (because he apparently hadn’t mentioned me initially in the itemised list of ex partners she’d demanded) and how long we dated etc etc etc. I hadn’t even seen the guy in person for a couple of years! I didn’t even know how she got my email until I realised she’d picked it out when he’d forwarded a joke to all his friends, next level stalking shit considering my email doesn’t even have my name in it.

      Anyway I emailed the guy just to ask WTF and he actually told me to respond to her! I told him no way and good luck with the hell he was about to embark on. Blocked her on everything because I was sure she was coming for me. It was seriously creepy and I have no problem being 100% on LW’s side. He seems a bit weak sauce like my friend but he’ll hopefully come to his senses.

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      • avatar

        waking-up March 24, 2017, 5:44 am

        Lol, thank you Ange! Yes I am a little bit of a weak sauce over this one I have to admit. Sorry you went though that!

        But it sounds exactly like something she would do or has done in the past. I am trying to come to my senses and let her go. But sometimes it’s really hard with all the things we have been through both good and bad.

        It’s weird that at times all the crazy things that she does do I find endearing because if she didn’t do those things I probably wouldn’t think she cared so much. But then again it turns into her wanting to be in control of everything in my life and I know I’ll never be happy being under the microscope like that.

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      • avatar

        Ange March 24, 2017, 5:40 pm

        Trust me mate, when someone cares for you in a healthy way it’ll be a million times better than whatever this is. She doesn’t care ABOUT you, she cares about owning you.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. March 23, 2017, 1:54 pm

    I have a rule: If a person causes me lots of drama online, they do not get to cause me drama in real life. LW1, I’m looking at you.

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  • avatar

    Lucy March 23, 2017, 2:03 pm

    LW1: All the advice to stop seeing someone that you don’t trust not to act like a stalker psycho is solid and you should take it.

    However, it is trivial on FB to change your settings so that no one else can see your entire friend list; they would only see mutual friends. I know this because I have a friend who also has a bad habit of dating men who act like stalker psychos.

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    • avatar

      waking-up March 24, 2017, 5:50 am

      I’ve done that, I had changed all of my settings so that she couldn’t see my list and of course that didn’t make things any better because once again it came down to trust. Plus all that she had to do would be to see comments or likes made by others to turn around and get a name to start looking at their pages. I had no choice to block her and then update all my settings so she couldn’t go and get a new profile to look at my page. Not trying to hide anything, just trying to protect my friends and family from drama that she could create and has in the past.

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  • avatar

    bondgirl March 23, 2017, 2:48 pm

    LW1 – Whether she’s just that crazy possessive (I wouldn’t put it past her) or if you’re just that flirty (could be possible, I don’t know), isn’t even the main problem here. Bottom line is, there’s no trust, and no amount of break ups and reunions will ever change that.

    LW2 – I get that you still wanna be friends, I really do. I’ve been there with some exes myself. But you’re only one month out from a split with a guy you dated for 2 years, it’s very much a fresh wound. You COULD be friends someday. However, you need to be free of romantic feelings for him in order to make that happen….that means cutting off contact with your ex for a while in order to let yourself completely process the breakup and move on. Wendy is right, if you aren’t comfortable inviting his new (hypothetical) girlfriend along when you see him “as a friend,” you’re not ready to be friends.

    LW3 – he called you “honey” and said you’re beautiful. Don’t fall for this schmoozer’s act. He’s already walked out on you once, what makes you think he wouldn’t do it again?

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    • avatar

      waking-up March 24, 2017, 5:56 am

      I am starting to feel the same way about letting her go, it is hard sometimes especially when the trust is gone. I’ve tried building it back but even with all the best efforts without including her on social media have failed. Especially when she hasn’t made the efforts to build a solid ground for me to start trusting her again.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom March 23, 2017, 4:58 pm

    LW1 When you can’t be Facebook friends with a potential girlfriend because she is so aggressively possessive of you the question you should ask yourself is why you would consider making her your girlfriend. This off and on business should be permanently off. Don’t remain friends. Don’t hang out. Don’t become her boyfriend. She’s proven, beyond a doubt, that she can’t handle a relationship with you.

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  • avatar

    haggith March 23, 2017, 10:31 pm

    LW1: Sheila is a cyber psycho stalker… If you can’t put up with that online, how in the world can you do it in real life?

    (please, show this thread to her and let us know the results though)

    LW2: You’re not ready for a friendship

    LW3: I can’t even…

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    • avatar

      waking-up March 24, 2017, 5:53 am

      I am highly considering showing it to her so she understands the reasons why I’ve done what I have done with not allowing her on Facebook. However I don’t know if it would help her realize anything or just piss her off even more!

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 March 24, 2017, 9:52 am

      You just want to see Sheila’s wrath when she comes on this site, don’t you! Your setting us all up for a monumental Sheila attack! Waking-up. Don’t show her!

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      • avatar

        waking-up March 26, 2017, 4:59 am

        Thank you Bagge72, yeah I don’t think showing it to her is a wonderful idea. Especially because of the shit-show that would happen afterwards. Plus I know she would say, well you didn’t include this or that which is making me think I should just put it all out there and hear everyone’s comments. I know you are going to think we are both nuts. That we both need help in one way or another. That we both need to let each other go, no matter how much we care about one another or the pain we have cause each other. I understand that we both need professional help, I’ve gone and seeked it out but it does t take away how I feel towards her. It would be a hell of a long story but It would possibly be the only way you would understand why we keep going back to each other. If Wendy is ok with it I wouldn’t mind writing it just to hear comments on what we need to do or if we both need to let it go and find closure and how to find it.

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        Kate March 26, 2017, 7:17 am

        I’m sure Wendy would be ok with it, feel free to start a forum thread or whatever, but I can tell you, having been in an on-again, off-again 8-year shitshow during which I was depressed and thought I was losing my mind – it gets better once you finally snap and realize you can’t deal with another minute of this person’s bullshit and you tell them it’s over and then you actually move on and stop talking to them.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 26, 2017, 8:26 am

        The two of you are emotionally connected but it isn’t a healthy connection. We are all capable of falling in love with someone that isn’t compatible. We are all capable of falling in love with someone we don’t trust. We are all capable of falling in love with someone who makes us miserable and that we can’t live with. The only way to get beyond it is to have no contact. You need to give yourself time to get over it. You both need time to let the emotional connection weaken. I think at this point she is your back burner girl. You like the idea that she is always there and you have the guarantee that you will never be alone but you also can’t trust her and don’t want her enough to be her permanent boyfriend/fiance/husband. She realizes that and so she tries to isolate you from other women so that sooner or later you will get it that she is the only one for you. She is acting the way she does because she realize that if you have other options than herself you won’t be choosing her. You must know that at some level. You must know that while you find her attractive and have some history and feel some connection you know that it won’t work long term and that you need to move on.

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        waking-up March 26, 2017, 8:50 pm

        I partially agree to your last comment SkyBlossom.

        We have a very very strong connection which makes it difficult to let go of. All of what you said as far falling in love with someone who is right for us, whether it be trust , emotional or just drives us crazy. I know because it’s happened to me. I’ve tried letting go and have gone no contact before with her on a couple of occasions. But somehow, someway we draw each other back in. Sometimes it her, sometimes it me. I look at our pastand her past. Her past has a lot of damage. I think that I can make a difference in her life and make it better. It’s in my head that I can save her, fix her past and create a better life together. I know it’s not my job to do that. She has to want to make those changes and save herself. Right now as you can see I’m getting way deeper than what the whole topic started off as. Anyways, she is not my back burner girl. She is not always there and while I do have other options if I wanted to, I mean anyone can come up with an option. It’s not her! Besides, she’s the one that has all the options and she knows that. I would love and have always wanted a more permanent position in each other’s lives. But that’s where the whole back story comes in on things that have happened with each other. When we lost the trust and so on. I do wish we could build it back but it may just be to hard to do, so maybe it is just better to move on as hard as it may be to do so.

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        Ron March 26, 2017, 9:52 pm

        Waking-up:

        It’s not a question of right or wrong, it’s a question of how self destructive are you willing to be in chasing this impossible obsession? It just doesn’t sound as if this can possibly end well. “It’s not her!” Everyone says that about some potential SO at some time in our lives and it’s always heart-crushing emotion and every option is awful and there is no possible happy future without that one person. But it passes, because it has to pass — sooner or later and you’re far better off if you allow it to be sooner — and you find somebody else and you’re happy with that other person and years later you wonder what was the point of all that ridiculous, obsessive, focus on one impossible relationship.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom March 24, 2017, 8:44 am

    You’ve got to understand that Sheila wants you way more than you want her. She wants you so bad she is willing to try to drive every other even remotely potential future girlfriend away from you. She doesn’t want to be your friend on Facebook she wants to monitor all your female connections and make sure they know that you really belong with her. She is verging on stalking and Facebook is a tool she wants to use to do that.

    You need to cut her out of your life for good. Don’t get involved in any more drama. Don’t take her calls. If you see her while out somewhere you say hi but nothing more. You are always to busy to stop and talk or to meet somewhere to catch up. She doesn’t respect boundaries. She doesn’t respect your or trust you but she wants you. She wants to possess you and she is willing to drive away any potential competition to have you.

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      Vathena March 24, 2017, 9:38 am

      But Skyblossom, didn’t you see that she’s also Beautiful? So that makes her controlling behavior and insane possessiveness endearing. The bar for treating your partner and their friends decently is so low as to be nonexistent, when you’re HOT.

      LW, if you don’t get this woman out of your life, you’re going to start losing friends. I sure as hell wouldn’t associate with anyone who allowed his psycho girlfriend to harass me. That’s being a shitty friend.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom March 24, 2017, 10:01 am

        I’m sure all his friends will see how beautiful she is and will understand that the stalking is okay.

        LW Sheila needs counseling. She needs to understand why she feels so desperately in need of you and she needs to learn better ways to handle her feelings and she needs to look for a relationship that doesn’t leave her feeling so desperate that she resorts to stalking. She isn’t emotionally healthy enough for a romantic relationship. Whatever she is doing out of a relationship will be at least one hundred times worse in a relationship. She would only be content if the two of you were stranded on an island where there were no other people and even then she’d be out destroying the SOS you were putting on the beach each day.

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  • avatar

    wobster109 March 24, 2017, 1:07 pm

    Adding my dissent here. I would totally Facebook-friend a distant, unobtrusive, polite acquaintance who I met once. I would not Facebook-friend someone with a history of harassing behavior on the site and no sign of having matured, even if we were close in real life. Behavior matters.

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      SpaceySteph March 24, 2017, 2:13 pm

      But why would you be close in real life with someone who has a history of harassing you and your acquaintances online?
      It’s not that he should FB friend Sheila, it’s that he shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone that he can’t trust to be his FB friend.

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    Janelle March 26, 2017, 1:33 pm

    Why are people so obsessed with Facebook in relationships?! Are you 10!? I dated my ex for 10 years and I never once even looked at his social media or was his friend. I just didn’t give a crap cause oh I dunno I am not in high school.

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