I recently discovered that, while I would go out to appointments, my husband was having an affair with another woman. I found out by using his phone. She was saved under “Slut” and was blowing up his phone with text messages. I replied to her, and she answered back telling me my daughter was going to have a brother or sister. This tore my husband and me apart. I’m still struggling to get over it. He keeps denying it, saying it’s not his. He wants nothing to do with her or the baby, he refuses to do a DNA test, and he says he’s not going to feed into her drama especially when he knows it’s not his.
A few years back I was a stripper and, when I got pregnant, my now-husband wasn’t sure if it was mine because he thought I was sleeping around for money. He still gave me money and was there for my appointments and anything I needed, but he didn’t want anything to do with me and only wanted to be a part of the baby’s life IF it was his.
Now his family, including his siblings and mother, all say they don’t think this woman’s baby is his simply by the way he’s acting and because the story doesn’t make sense. The woman says that she was in my house on April 22nd-23rd and found out she was pregnant a few days later in the hospital. She sent me a picture of her ultrasound but cut off a lot of the information. She doesn’t say how many weeks along she is. She just keeps asking for money. I compared the ultrasound to four others, including my own. I noticed her ultrasound said her last menstrual period was on April 25th, so I don’t know whether to believe her story or not.
In a way, I’m happy my husband’s ignoring her. He keeps telling me to ignore her too and continue our life as a family because he’s not going to leave us or take food from our mouths to feed anybody else. Do you think it’s true? What should I do? Should I leave him or should I continue our life and pretend this never happened? I’m so confused and broken. I don’t even know how to let this go because it’s constantly taunting me; no matter how hard I try to forget it and move on, it’s there in the back if my mind building my insecurities. — Don’t Know If the Baby is His
No, you should not “continue your life and pretend this never happened.” Because whether or not that baby is his — and you KNOW there’s a very likely chance it is — the “this” that you think you could possibly pretend never happened is your husband cheating on you. You can’t sweep that under the rug. That has to be dealt with. Has your husband even apologized? Has even asked for your forgiveness? Has he asked what he could do to earn back your trust after betraying you like he did, in your own home, apparently weeks after you had his baby? (And don’t even get me started on how he named the other woman “slut” in his phone; what a charming guy).
Look, you were wronged big time here. Your husband owes you a lot, and it’s up to you to state exactly what you need to “get over this,” as you say. Obviously, the first step is some clarity on whether this baby is indeed his. So, DEMAND that he take a DNA test. Do not take no for an answer. If he refuses, leave his ass. You both need to know for sure in order to move on with your lives. If this baby isn’t his, then, fine, your “only” challenge at that point will be regaining trust and repairing the damage done to your marriage (therapy would probably help). If the baby IS his, then obviously, there will be bigger challenges ahead. Will the baby be part of your lives? What will happen to your financial life when your husband has to pay child support? Can you handle being a stepmother to a product of your husband’s affair? (Again, therapy would probably help with all these issues).
Finally, your husband’s family’s opinion about whether this baby is his and a comparison of the ultrasound pictures prove literally nothing. You’re naive to believe your husband’s behavior — and his mother’s perception of his behavior — is ANY indication whether a woman he’s been banging in your home while you’re at appointments is carrying his baby. And comparing ultrasound pictures? What the hell does that indicate? The only proof you’re going to get, one way or another, is from a DNA test. Demand one. And if your husband doesn’t comply, MOA.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.