Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “My Bisexual Boyfriend Insists on Seeing His Ex-Boyfriend for One Hour Every Week”

Bisexual symbolIt’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I have been seeing my boyfriend for eight months now. He wanted to see his ex weekly for an hour because he said he felt bad for ending the relationship. My boyfriend is bisexual and his ex is male, gay and 23 years younger than he is. He told me they both agreed to be just friends. He introduced him to me and we became friends who chat on FB. I find him to be a good man. He came to my house for dinner twice (my boyfriend was there, too, of course). At times I wonder if I should allow this to happen. Other times I feel all right with it, though insecure. What should I do? — Insecure About His Ex-Boyfriend

 
You would only feel insecure about your bisexual boyfriend seeing his ex-boyfriend — who is 23 years his junior — for one hour every week if you felt like there were unresolved feelings and/or like you couldn’t trust your boyfriend. And, frankly, his excuse for wanting to see his ex every week — that he “feels bad for ending the relationship” — sounds pretty suspicious. What does your gut tell you? Therein lies your answer.

My boyfriend told me he thinks his cousin’s girl likes him. We all have been living together for some weeks now, and, though I have no proof, I have been rather suspicious of the way things are. So after he told me that yesterday, my eyes have been wide open. My boyfriend says that, before I moved here, his cousin even told him that he thinks she likes him. What man is cool with that? Why didn’t he tell me before I moved in? He says he forgot, but that’s a lie. Is he trying to, in some way, proposition me? I have a daughter by this guy and we’ve been together forever, but, when he said he was going to Missouri to start a new life for us, this is not what I envisioned. — Not a Swinger

 
If this isn’t the life you envisioned, make a change. Move out. Get a place for you and your child, with or without your boyfriend. Maybe your boyfriend just likes the attention from his cousin’s girl, or maybe he doesn’t take her feelings seriously, or maybe he really was hoping you’d be interested in some sort of swinging/poly/open relationship kinda thing. Regardless, you’re uncomfortable with your living situation, so get out. And maybe examine what kind of future you want with the father of your child.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I have met his mom and younger brother and some of his mom’s side of the family. It’s going to be two years soon and I still haven’t met his dad’s side of the family. I feel like he’s embarrassed to have me meet them. I’ve asked him various times, but he always says he’s not embarrassed of me. He never tells me why I can’t meet them when I ask. I feel hurt when he tells me that he’s having a family get-together and I know I’m not invited to come over. My family loves him and he is always invited to my family get-togethers, so I don’t get why I can’t be invited to his. — Excluded From His Dad’s Side

 
Has it occurred to you that maybe it’s not YOU he’s embarrassed of but rather his dad’s side of the family? Ask him gently if there’s someone or something he isn’t ready to share with you and tell him you love him, are happy he has shared his mom’s side of the family, and hope in time he will trust you as much as you trust him to introduce you to the other half of his family.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

15 comments… add one
  • FireStar

    FireStar August 8, 2014, 8:53 am

    A set hour rendezvous time weekly is an odd way to help someone get over you…eight months in. If you want to be friends with an ex – fine say that. But then that weekly hour business goes out the window. Friend get together organically, when time permits and include partners a little more frequently than twice in eight months. If this was a female ex – would you be okay with it? Seems fishy to me. Friends is one thing but a standing appointment would have me asking for what. And feeling bad about ending a relationship isn’t really valid seeing the relationship never really ended.

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  • avatar

    MissyC August 8, 2014, 9:29 am

    LW3 — I definitely agree that maybe there are some emotional issues he has with his father’s family (or a few members of that side of his family). Maybe something negative happened and he wants to distance himself from that part of the family, permanently or for a certain period of time. Or maybe they have distanced themselves from him for some reason. Or one of many other possibilities. My brother got married a couple months ago and I invited my boyfriend so that he could meet my family but I was terrified at how my family would act. Normally, my father’s side of the family “communicates” by yelling (mainly insulting comments), and they are extremely racist, among some other qualities (of course some positive as well). In the end they treated him with respect and there were absolutely no problems, but I was really nervous in the weeks leading up the wedding. I felt comfortable sharing that information with my boyfriend so we talked about it, but maybe for your boyfriend he’s not quite as comfortable.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray August 8, 2014, 9:39 am

    LW2, does “cousin’s girl” mean the cousin’s girlfriend or the cousin’s daughter (ew)?

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    • Amanda

      Amanda August 8, 2014, 9:49 am

      Good lord, I hope it means girlfriend. I’m not ready for that much what-the-fuckery this morning.

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    • avatar

      Lily in NYC August 8, 2014, 11:25 am

      I don’t get why she wrote “Is he trying to proposition me” – I can’t figure out what she meant by that!

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh August 8, 2014, 11:28 am

        Like a threesome or swapping partners?

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    • avatar

      lindsaybob August 8, 2014, 2:28 pm

      I didn’t even contemplate it meaning ‘daughter’. I feel icky now.

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  • Miss MJ

    Miss MJ August 8, 2014, 10:24 am

    LW1: Shady.

    LW2: Shadier.

    LW3: Not shady. (At least not toward you, anyway. Wendy’s right; since you’ve met your BF’s mom’s side of the family, he is probably ashamed of his dad’s side, not you.)

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  • avatar

    Coconot August 8, 2014, 10:27 am

    LW1: probably not a good idea except as a last resort, but you could try telling your bf that you would be okay with him getting side action with men and see how he reacts. On the one hand if he’s not doing it yet you’ve screwed yourself, but on the other at least you’ll know the truth!

    LW2: wws, if you are this uncomfortable it doesn’t matter what’s really going on. Just move out.

    LW3: everyone else is probably right; your bf is embarrassed of his family not you. Otherwise why’d he introduce you to his mom’s side? Be patient and try to communicate. My now husband and I didn’t meet each other’s families for 2 yrs (long story) but now we’ve been together 7 yrs and both our in-laws love us!

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark August 8, 2014, 11:57 am

    LW1) I’ll get blasted as being biphobic with this post, but whatever. In my own alarmingly vast experience with bisexual men — they, somehow, ALWAYS wind up needing the dick. So the fact that Mr Wonderful Aging Bi-guy now gets together for an one hour each and every week with some hot stud 23 years younger than him just… isn’t… well… very surprising.

    LW2) Yay! I’m so happy to hear from yet another smart and together young lady who thought first — then had a baby and thus brought her child into such a stable relationship. So many don’t. Sigh…

    LW3) He’s embarrassed of his father. Obviously. Painfully so. But look — if you truly are too dim to figure this out — well, then maybe he should also be embarrassed of you.

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    • Diablo

      Diablo August 8, 2014, 12:22 pm

      Yeah, is there ANYBODY reading this who DOESN’T think he is banging the 23 year old?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 8, 2014, 12:24 pm

        Whattttttttt

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 8, 2014, 12:34 pm

        Seriously! Right?

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  • kmtthat

    kmentothat August 8, 2014, 12:10 pm

    Yay, Wendy’s “30 Things that Will (Probably) Happen in Your 30s post is on the front page of HuffPost!

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  • avatar

    lindsaybob August 8, 2014, 2:26 pm

    LW1: It seems highly likely to me that your BF is sleeping with his ex. What else would they be doing for a specific hour every week? I mean, if they were taking a class or something presumably you’d know about it. Seems shady to me.

    LW2: Even if the cousin’s “girl” does like your BF, that doesn’t necessarily mean your BF is doing anything wrong. He may not be encouraging her in any way. You’re obviously (and understandably) uncomfortable with your living situation now though, so tell your BF you want to move out and see what he says. If he’s not willing to move with you and your child then maybe something shady is going on, but he may be perfectly fine with getting away from unwanted attention from a girl he’s not interested in. I just think it would be reasonable to give him the benefit of the doubt until you’ve at least asked him to get out of the situation.

    LW3: Like others have said, it seems far more likely that your BF is embarrassed by his dad’s side if the family rather than by you, or he wouldn’t have introduced you to his mom’s family. If it really bothers you try having a sensitive conversation and reassure him that if he has some kind of problem or concern about his dad’s family you will be understanding about that, but that you hope that soon he will feel comfortable including you in events with those family members. If he’s considering a future with you and intends to remain in contact with his dad’s family he can’t avoid you meeting forever though, so it may be worth waiting a little longer (depending on how serious you already feel like your relationship is) before saying anything and see if he explains and/or introduces you when things start to seem more permanent.

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