It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I have been seeing my boyfriend for eight months now. He wanted to see his ex weekly for an hour because he said he felt bad for ending the relationship. My boyfriend is bisexual and his ex is male, gay and 23 years younger than he is. He told me they both agreed to be just friends. He introduced him to me and we became friends who chat on FB. I find him to be a good man. He came to my house for dinner twice (my boyfriend was there, too, of course). At times I wonder if I should allow this to happen. Other times I feel all right with it, though insecure. What should I do? — Insecure About His Ex-Boyfriend
You would only feel insecure about your bisexual boyfriend seeing his ex-boyfriend — who is 23 years his junior — for one hour every week if you felt like there were unresolved feelings and/or like you couldn’t trust your boyfriend. And, frankly, his excuse for wanting to see his ex every week — that he “feels bad for ending the relationship” — sounds pretty suspicious. What does your gut tell you? Therein lies your answer.
My boyfriend told me he thinks his cousin’s girl likes him. We all have been living together for some weeks now, and, though I have no proof, I have been rather suspicious of the way things are. So after he told me that yesterday, my eyes have been wide open. My boyfriend says that, before I moved here, his cousin even told him that he thinks she likes him. What man is cool with that? Why didn’t he tell me before I moved in? He says he forgot, but that’s a lie. Is he trying to, in some way, proposition me? I have a daughter by this guy and we’ve been together forever, but, when he said he was going to Missouri to start a new life for us, this is not what I envisioned. — Not a Swinger
If this isn’t the life you envisioned, make a change. Move out. Get a place for you and your child, with or without your boyfriend. Maybe your boyfriend just likes the attention from his cousin’s girl, or maybe he doesn’t take her feelings seriously, or maybe he really was hoping you’d be interested in some sort of swinging/poly/open relationship kinda thing. Regardless, you’re uncomfortable with your living situation, so get out. And maybe examine what kind of future you want with the father of your child.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I have met his mom and younger brother and some of his mom’s side of the family. It’s going to be two years soon and I still haven’t met his dad’s side of the family. I feel like he’s embarrassed to have me meet them. I’ve asked him various times, but he always says he’s not embarrassed of me. He never tells me why I can’t meet them when I ask. I feel hurt when he tells me that he’s having a family get-together and I know I’m not invited to come over. My family loves him and he is always invited to my family get-togethers, so I don’t get why I can’t be invited to his. — Excluded From His Dad’s Side
Has it occurred to you that maybe it’s not YOU he’s embarrassed of but rather his dad’s side of the family? Ask him gently if there’s someone or something he isn’t ready to share with you and tell him you love him, are happy he has shared his mom’s side of the family, and hope in time he will trust you as much as you trust him to introduce you to the other half of his family.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.