Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “He Tried to Sleep with His Stepsister While We Were on Break”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I’m engaged, but a while ago my fiancé and I had a big argument which ended in a separation. While we were separated, he tried to have sex with his stepsister, who is much younger than we are, but she stopped him. After a while we got back together, but HE didn’t tell me about it — his stepsister did! I feel like I’m second best and that I can’t trust him, even though he tells me that he made a mistake and he’s sorry and he promises that he loves me! What must I do?? I do love him, but I’m hurt and I can’t forget what he did! Please advise me on this. — Second Best

 
HE TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH HIS STEPSISTER. AND, it wasn’t even consensual, which is a double ew, to say the least. Honey, MOA.

Tell me if I’m being irrational. I’ve been dating this guy for seven months. I’ve been through a car crash and near poverty with him. His dad died last week and he told me that he wasn’t even that close with him. But now he’s being completely different and depressed. He’s in Arizona for the funeral. He promised me before he left that he would keep in contact. But when he’s angry or sad, he ices everyone out. I’m trying to be supportive, but I can’t do it anymore if he doesn’t talk to me. Am I bad girlfriend because I want to break up with him? Maybe I need to give him space for a while; but, with me, it’s all or nothing. — Irrational?

 
Yes, you’re a bad girlfriend for wanting to break up with your boyfriend, whose father just died last week, because he’s acting completely depressed and isn’t calling and texting you constantly while he’s at his father’s fucking funeral. Whether he was close to his father or not is beside the point. It’s a devastating thing to lose a parent. And if there were complicated feelings in life, they’re even more complicated in death. You need to get over yourself. But, in the meantime, do the poor guy you “can’t deal with anymore” a favor, and let him go, because — it’s just a hunch — I’m guessing you are far more to “deal with” than he can handle right now.

I have been dating my guy for about three years now. He is not financially stable and neither am I. I actually want someone who can take care of me and give me an education because my family is not able to. (I tried taking a few courses with the little money I saved). I just met this white man who loves me very much and is ready to do anything for me. I want to know if it’s OK to date the white man and leave my guy or date both or forget about the white man. I’m so confused. — Looking for Financial Stability

 
First of all, just because he’s white doesn’t mean that he has money or that he would want to spend it on you. Even if he did, though, someone you “just met” (your words) who says he “loves you so much” (your words), probably doesn’t. As long as you know that he’s probably using you as much as you would be using him and that both of you could very well end up unsatisfied, then, sure, go for it. I’d leave your boyfriend, though, regardless of whether you pursue the white guy, because it’s clear you aren’t satisfied with him and you’re keeping him from being with someone who could be.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

29 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Kay July 25, 2014, 10:12 am

    That there are people like these three in the world and that the human race still exists just baffles me.

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    • avatar

      ktfran July 25, 2014, 10:19 am

      Hahahaha. Kay for the win.

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    • honeybeenicki

      honeybeenicki July 25, 2014, 10:41 am

      Someone once told me “The fact that I share public space with these people and I’m still alive is a miracle” so I think that’s right along the same lines 🙂

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. July 25, 2014, 12:54 pm

        I have a friend who is adopted and her family is crazy. I have heard her say, “I am so glad I don’t share DNA with these people.”

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  • findingtheearth

    findingtheearth July 25, 2014, 10:15 am

    What. the. ??????

    LW1- This is wrong on so many levels. Was she a minor? Non consensual attempts at sex are never, ever appropriate. Ditch this guy. He’s a potential pervert and pedophile. Don’t get caught up in that.

    LW2- Yes. You are being ridiculous. Be supportive. Tell your boyfriend you are there if he needs you, but cut him some slack. Right now he has more on his plate than appeasing you.

    LW3- Don’t date a man just to get an education. Apply for loans, scholarships, grants, etc. Prove that you are actually worth something and capable of surviving on your own.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray July 25, 2014, 10:20 am

    Oy vey.

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  • avatar

    GertietheDino July 25, 2014, 10:24 am

    LW#1: Dump him for good.
    LW#2: You are awful.
    LW#3: Self respect, get ya some.

    Ladies, get it together, think…

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    • avatar

      FancyPants July 25, 2014, 11:11 am

      I like this comment because you could interchange the LWs and your comments and they would still all make sense.

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  • avatar

    HmC July 25, 2014, 11:25 am

    ” I actually want someone who can take care of me and give me an education because my family is not able to. ”

    Oh do significant others provide educations now? I wish I had known this before I took on all those student loans to get degrees from accredited schools! fml

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    • avatar

      n00bz July 25, 2014, 6:11 pm

      I could be totally wrong, but it sounds like LW3 isn’t from this country. I mean, who here still thinks every white man is rich? That’s ridiculous.

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  • avatar

    HmC July 25, 2014, 11:30 am

    Ok the first guy is a tool for wanting to have sex with his stepsister, but I think it’s a leap to say it was nonconsensual or that she is underage with this limited info. LW just says she is much younger, not that she’s actually underage (God I hope not). And “trying” to have sex with someone could mean anything including one of many things that isn’t illegal, like asking her for sex, trying to kiss her and she turns her head, etc. Don’t get me wrong he sounds like an icky chode, but jumping to child molester/sexual assailant seems a bit much.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy July 25, 2014, 11:39 am

      Yeah, but the LW says that the stepsister had to stop the guy from
      Having sex with her, which makes it sound nonconsensual.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark July 25, 2014, 12:01 pm

      Seriously. Come the fuck on. It’s bad wording on the part of the LW. The rush to rape is beyond absurd. It’s shockingly anti-male. First the casual leap to rape and now to child molestation. Shocking anti-male… It just is. No wonder I seem to be one of like three men that still post here.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 25, 2014, 12:03 pm

        Oh, and to clarify — yes, it’s the other commentators making the leap to child molestation to clarify. BUT COME ON!!

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      • avatar

        HmC July 25, 2014, 12:38 pm

        Yeah I’m sure the demographics have nothing to do with the theme of the site and whether most men are interested in analyzing other people’s personal relationships. Must be cuz Wendy hates men. You bash women more than I’ve ever seen any person bash either sex. Always you with the drama.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 July 25, 2014, 1:11 pm

      Yeah to me it sounds like she just turned him down, because she thought it was icky, not like she had to cut his thing off, because he was shaking it in her face

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      • avatar

        nitabee July 27, 2014, 4:47 pm

        Your comment’s the funniest thing I’ve read/heard today.

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  • avatar

    resullins July 25, 2014, 11:33 am

    Oh wow… I agree with everything that’s been said so far EXCEPT for the automatic assumption that the sex attempt was perverted and non-consensual. It doesn’t say he tried to have sex with her AFTER she tried to to stop him, because that would certainly be wrong. For all we know, they were both into it, she said stop, and they stopped…

    Now, to the women:
    LW1: I agree that this guy putting the moves on his stepsister is creepy… run the other way.
    LW2: I understand where your feelings are coming from… you want to help, he’s icing you out… it’s frustrating. But his DAD JUST DIED! So the burden is on you to change how you’re acting, not him!
    LW3: You’re a horrible human being. You’re a gold digger and a user, and shouldn’t be allowed to date anyone. Have some self-respect. Bend down, find your boot-straps, and pull your own lazy ass up! It’s people like you that give women a bad reputation. Also… you’re racist. God, I really hope this letter is a joke.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 July 25, 2014, 11:35 am

    I knew I was doing something wrong with all of those school loans I had, apparently my family was supposed to pay for my schooling.

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    • avatar

      HmC July 25, 2014, 12:34 pm

      Not your family bagge, your girlfriend. Lol. Also see my comment above, great minds! 🙂

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 25, 2014, 1:13 pm

        Well she only wants the white man to do it, because her family can’t afford to, you know, because all white families pay for there kids to go to school…

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki July 25, 2014, 1:15 pm

        I need to have a chat with my mom about this then because I’ll be paying off my student loans until I’m 95.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 25, 2014, 1:24 pm

        I just paid mine off last year! Jackpot

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      • avatar

        ktfran July 25, 2014, 1:44 pm

        I have 9 more years. Wow, that seems like a lot.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom July 25, 2014, 12:05 pm

    LW2 – You’re not bad for feeling confused. You’re trying to be supportive and he won’t accept the support because he won’t talk to you. When my husband’s dad died my husband had to fly abroad for the funeral and I had to stay here. We talked daily, sometimes several times daily, and told each other what we were doing and helped each other through it. You say that your boyfriend does this whenever he is angry or sad, shutting people out and refusing to speak to them. I personally couldn’t live that way. The two of you have different styles of communication that don’t mesh and if you realize that your relationship won’t work because of that difference you can definitely break up. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a realistic person who understands when something isn’t working. Ask yourself if you want to continue in a relationship that maintains this style of communication. If the answer is no then break up. The other option would be to try to change him into someone who talks to you but I think you need to accept a person as they are or leave them as they are but you don’t change them.

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  • Cassie

    Cassie July 25, 2014, 12:08 pm

    LW3: Word of the day is FAFSA.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom July 25, 2014, 12:40 pm

    LW1 – Certain things in a relationship are foundational, meaning they are absolutely essential to a successful relationship. Some of those things are trust, respect, communication and sexual compatibility. You seem to be missing both trust and respect and maybe effective communication so you’re like a building with no foundation. Your relationship is probably to damaged to repair.

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  • avatar

    kali July 25, 2014, 12:49 pm

    LW2 – OK, while the timing SUCKS, I think she needs to MOA because a man who deals with anger or sadness by “icing everyone out” is lousy partner material. I know because I spent far too many years in a marriage with a man like that. He’s unlikely to change the way he responds to adversity and it’s far too easy, as the girlfriend, to blame yourself for his bad mood – of, if he’s like my ex, I often knew he was mad but had no idea why and always defaulted to blaming myself. No one needs that kind of stress in their life. Please, for both your sakes’, MOA.

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  • avatar

    HmC July 25, 2014, 3:05 pm

    On a side note, I think Friends has ruined the term “on a break” for me forever. How long ago was that, 15 years, and all I can think of when I hear the term is Ross screaming it at the top of his lungs. The love of my life could ask me to go “on a break” and 60% of me would be devastated and the other 40% would be internally giggling at Ross and Rachel.

    Oh dear I have totally dated myself right?

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