Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend Wants to Live on a Boat for Two Years”

canstockphoto14142774

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years now, and we’ve been happily living together for almost that long. He has been complaining about his job and colleagues for a few months now, though, and has been talking about finding a new job. He might have found one, over 200 miles away, and he wants to take it, knowing very well that I can’t move right now seeing as I am completing a bachelor’s degree. He says we’ll see each other on weekends. He says long distance might break us up, but that that’s a risk we have to take. He wants me to move there with him after I graduate, even if there’s absolutely no work for me in my industry in that city. He doesn’t seem to believe I have any chance at a nice career whatsoever anyway and that, since I’m still a student, he takes priority because he brings home a salary, even though I pay for half of our (meager) expenses with my student loans.

He also decided this week that, rather than put our savings toward buying our first house, he wants us to buy a boat and sail around the world. Although I think that is a wonderful dream, I think it’s a little crazy and a big risk, seeing as neither of us has any reliable sailing experience whatsoever so that, if we are to do that, we are going to need a lot of preparation and savings in case of “rainy days.” He’s been joking, too, about not bringing me with him and just living on the boat for two years.

At the same time, he also said we could go get married in another country. And he tells me he wants us to have kids. He also bought himself a nice sports car recently, even though he already owned a vintage one, rather than getting something safer and more family friendly.

This looks like a midlife crisis to me even though he’s not even 30 yet. I don’t know if this means he doesn’t love me anymore or what. When I asked, he told me not to joke about that, but then refused to say “I love you” when we went to bed. I love him so very much (he’s my first love), but lately I haven’t been certain he feels the same way. I feel taken for granted and unimportant in his life plans. I know he’s going through a rough patch and that I should support him, but, I don’t know, there’s something about this that makes me feel uncomfortable. Am I reading things into this that I shouldn’t? What should I do? — Can’t Even Sail

So, the boyfriend whom you moved in with almost immediately after you started dating him:

– wants to move 200 miles away to a town where there are no career options for you, and he thinks, even though the long distance might break you up, it’s “worth the risk”;

– wants to sail around the world for two years and doesn’t care if you come or not;

– talks about wanting kids but isn’t putting any money aside to afford them in the near future, while instead making big purchases that are impractical for a future family;

– refuses to tell you he loves you, even after you express insecurity about his feelings for you;

– doesn’t believe you have a chance of having a career you’ll like anyway, so thinks it doesn’t matter if you live somewhere with good job options or not.

Gee, I can’t imagine why you’re feeling like maybe he’s not as into you as you’d like him to be. You know the signs you think you might be reading too much into? You’re not. Your boyfriend’s telling you pretty loudly and clearly that he’s ready to move on (without you); he just doesn’t have the balls to come right out and tell you, either because he doesn’t want to hurt you or because he wants to keep open a window to a potential future with you should he decide that’s what he wants after all.

Quit giving your boyfriend all the power to make the decisions in this relationship. Tell him that, if he isn’t willing or interested in planning a future with you in it, you will plan your future without him. And then do that! And let him know that, when he leaves, whether it’s to take a job 200 miles away where there are no career options for you or to sail the world for two years, he is shutting the window of opportunity with you for the foreseeable future and you can’t guarantee it will ever again be open to him.

Just be aware that, when you tell him this, his reply may very well be, “Ok.” And that’s because you’ll be doing him the favor of saying what he can’t bring himself to admit and/or say: your relationship has reached an endpoint (at least for now) and he wants to go off and explore different paths before he potentially settles on one that leads him to a wife and kids and a stable career. Honestly, a little exploration on both your ends doesn’t sound like a bad thing. If your paths bring you back together, then you’ll feel much more confident that’s where you belong. And if they don’t, then you’ll both only end up somewhere better.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

63 comments… add one
  • rosie posie

    rosie posie October 20, 2014, 8:13 am

    Wendy’s advice is spot on. Your boyfriend isn’t treating you the way a potential long-term partner should, more like a roommate with benefits. When you go your separate ways I would suggest taking time to yourself. Date, don’t jump into a relationship. It makes it so much easier to find someone who respects you and you suits you well when you have that experience, don’t settle.

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    • fast eddie

      fast eddie October 20, 2014, 7:25 pm

      I sold my house and bought a boat thinking it would be a cheap life style. WRONG! Sailboats are a floating bankruptcy waiting to happen.

      This guy has shit for brains and is totally self serving to boot. Get out of there and find an adult to cuddle up with.

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  • avatar

    RedroverRedrover October 20, 2014, 8:27 am

    Please don’t try to follow him, whatever choice he makes. Just let him go. It might be that he loves you, but that nothing else in his life works and he needs to make a change. He’s made it clear that that’s his priority, not you. Better to let him work it out on his own than try to hang around during whatever he’s going through.

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  • avatar

    AmyP October 20, 2014, 8:27 am

    Wendy said:

    “Quit giving your boyfriend all the power to make the decisions in this relationship. Tell him that, if he isn’t willing or interested in planning a future with you in it, you will plan your future without him. And then do that! And let him know that, when he leaves, whether it’s to take a job 200 miles away where there are no career options for you or to sail the world for two years, he is shutting the window of opportunity with you for the foreseeable future and you can’t guarantee it will ever again be open to him.”

    Yep. He’s not making decisions with you, he’s making decisions and expecting you to ride along.

    As the beloved quote goes, don’t make people a priority when to them you’re just an
    option.

    Also, boyfriend sounds impulsive as heck. Even if he chooses you, it’s going to be a long life if he keeps doing this stuff.

    Good luck!

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  • Raccoon eyes

    Raccoon eyes October 20, 2014, 8:58 am

    Aim higher, Sweetie. Also, dont settle for the crumbs of a relationship. You deserve the whole cookie/pie/cake/whatever.
    *
    So many things in your letter stand out to me, but particularly- if you now use your student loans to pay half of expenses, how exactly is that going to go when he is the one holding ALL the purse strings? “Not well” for you.

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    • avatar

      Stillrunning October 20, 2014, 9:23 am

      The student loan comment jumped out at me, too. LW, do not let him use your half of the savings account for anything but paying off your loan. He’s a dreamer and his dreams really don’t include you.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 October 20, 2014, 10:46 am

        She’s choosing to pay her part of their expenses with her student loans, he isn’t taking them from her. That’s on her not him.

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      • avatar

        Stilrunning October 20, 2014, 10:53 am

        Sure, her choice to pay her share of the expenses with her loan money, but having dealt with the long aftermath of paying off a student loan, I was concerned that he wanted to to buy a boat with their savings instead of her paying down the loan.

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      • avatar

        Stillrunning October 20, 2014, 11:05 am

        It’s the fussy accountant in me that wants her to use her share of the savings account to pay down her loans. I’m dealing with a friend who is deeply in debt and looking at bankruptcy, so the student loan part just leapt out at me.

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      • avatar

        thatgirl October 20, 2014, 12:11 pm

        Perhaps i’m reading this wrong, but if she is using her loan for expenses, is she putting money into savings? Is it, in fact, his money to do as he pleases with and she wants him to use it the way she prefers?

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  • Lyra

    Lyra October 20, 2014, 9:13 am

    I kind of had this experience when I was with my ex. He wasn’t going to sail around the world (whaaaat.) but he was making decisions for his career without talking with me first when we were VERY serious about each other. I wanted to stay where I was to be close with family and friends, he told me “I don’t like how close you are with your family” and essentially guilted me into following him. I completely acknowledge that I made that choice too and it wasn’t only him, but I felt an extreme sense of guilt because of the things he was telling me. The relationship didn’t last long after that — we finally broke up after many fights, many power struggles, and many disagreements.
    .
    LW I tell you this because he was also my first love and I think he used that to his advantage in some ways. I truly didn’t know any better and thought he was the best I could do…a lie I kept on telling myself. I put up with crap that I KNEW wasn’t ok. My friends were telling me they were concerned about my relationship because he wasn’t treating me right. I wrote into the forums on DW here multiple times and internet strangers were saying that with the limited information they were getting it didn’t sound like a healthy relationship and I wasn’t happy. I would literally sit there and complain about his immaturity to my family or my friends, but stayed because I loved him so much. I DID love him deeply, as first love tends to be, but that wasn’t enough to keep our relationship going. I clung to the relationship even when it was obvious it would never work how I wanted it to work.
    .
    I learned so much from that relationship and break up, but the one thing I regret is that I wasted a good 2-2.5 years with the wrong person because I was too stubborn to admit that it wasn’t working. I was afraid I wouldn’t love anyone else as much (not true) and that no one else would love me ever again (also not true). I was afraid of starting over and I was afraid of being single again (ugh).
    .
    You can do better LW. Time to take charge of this relationship and end it. It sounds like you guys may have a joint savings account. If that’s the case, move your half over to a new savings account that only your name is on before this happens to protect your assets. I think you will feel a weight lifted off of you when you aren’t with him anymore..

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    • Lianne

      Lianne October 20, 2014, 9:28 am

      “I learned so much from that relationship and break up, but the one thing I regret is that I wasted a good 2-2.5 years with the wrong person because I was too stubborn to admit that it wasn’t working. I was afraid I wouldn’t love anyone else as much (not true) and that no one else would love me ever again (also not true). I was afraid of starting over and I was afraid of being single again (ugh).”
      —I can totally relate to this and I think it’s something worth calling out given the LW’s situation. I am sure many of us on this site can relate to this…when you are in a situation it’s so so hard to really look at it objectively – and of course the fears Lyra points out just help the cause of blindly staying in a relationship that is no longer working. If I were you, LW, I would heed Wendy’s advice. In a year or two, you will look back and pretty much repeat what Lyra says in the paragraph I quoted.

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      • avatar

        Kate October 20, 2014, 9:50 am

        I can certainly relate to this. Try EIGHT YEARS.

        Also, it’s pretty common for guys to stay in a relationship they’re not into anymore, that’s definitely run its course, and have NO intention of a future commitment. I guess they just kind of hope that you’ll break it off eventually. Or that you’ll stick around but you’ll telepathically “get” that there’s no future, without them having to explicitly tell you, and that will be ok. Seriously. It happens a lot. He’s sending you strong clues here that he does not see a future with you. At least not anything like the kind of future you would like. You should pull the plug.

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      • avatar

        MissDre October 20, 2014, 10:29 am

        Seriously, why DO guys do this? They aren’t into a relationship anymore and instead of being honest about it, they just retreat and start treating you like crap. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because I believe this is what happened with my ex. I think there was a good 10 months where he knew he wasn’t feeling the relationship anymore, so he just started making decisions without me, acting distant, breaking promises. Even when I asked him to his face what he wanted, he said of course he didn’t want to break up and of course he wanted to marry me! (lie). Yes when I said I was leaving him his response was pretty much just, “Ok.”

        So why do guys behave this way?? I don’t understand. If you don’t love someone anymore, tell them that. And why would they want to stay and drag out a relationship that they don’t want to be in anyway?

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      • avatar

        Kate October 20, 2014, 10:39 am

        Ugh, Miss Dre, I don’t know. The only thing I can come up with is it’s too hard to have to tell you. Easier to kind of disengage and be a dick and hope you’ll do the heavy lifting. AND they like having you around because you’re great. I know a couple who are currently in this situation. And he has not conclusively told her, “I will not marry you or have kids with you.” And she’s a wonderful person. She does need to wake up and see it for what it is. But like Lianne said, you get into this weird place where you’re in denial and don’t have the perspective.

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      • Lianne

        Lianne October 20, 2014, 11:39 am

        Agreed, and I would add that unlike women, most men don’t need the emotional connection to stay in a relationship. As long as their basic needs are being met, they will go on like that forever.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover October 20, 2014, 3:23 pm

        I disagree that men and women are that different in terms of what they need in a relationship. If they are serious about it, they need the same level of emotional commitment. There are plenty of relationships where the guy is more into it than the girl, and no one says she doesn’t need emotional connection. She just doesn’t need it from HIM.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra October 20, 2014, 9:53 am

        Exactly. It was something I needed to experience to truly understand, but now that I look back on it I’m amazed at the crap I put up with. I learned after that break up that it is INFINITELY better to be single than to be in the wrong relationship. My relationship was dragging me down to the extreme. I literally felt a weight lifted from me when I went to bed the first time I went to sleep after it happened. If that wasn’t a sign that it was the right thing I don’t know what was.
        .
        Not to mention now that I’m with a fantastic, respectful guy who makes it super easy to date him I’m REALLY glad I didn’t get stuck with my ex. Good riddance.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh October 20, 2014, 9:27 am

    WWS and are you really happy LW? It sounds like his crisis is related to not being happy with his life. And wanting change. Unfortunately it sounds like the change he might want also includes moving on without you.

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  • avatar

    csp October 20, 2014, 9:35 am

    LW, two things:
    1.) I have a good friend that was living with a boyfriend who decided he wanted to move to New Hampshire and live off the grid. He kind of invited her along just like your bf is doing. So she loved him and moved. She quit her job, left her family, and found herself in a cabin with a compost toilet, heated by a fireplace alone, and almost no electricity. Then he dumped her and she had to crawl back home to move back in with her parents and to no job. The story has a happy ending now where she is happily married to someone else. However, it was a dark time for her.

    2.) In this letter, I don’t see a lot about your dreams. I suggest you write down your goals. put down things that are realistic and stretches. Do you see yourself a parent in five years or do you see yourself traveling? Getting a masters degree or moving to a new city? Do you see a big house in the suburbs or an apartment downtown near all the action? I have seen so many people take so many different paths and they aren’t right or wrong. Just know that you shouldn’t have to give up your life for someone else’s dream.

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    • avatar

      Sunshine Brite October 20, 2014, 9:49 am

      Yes, this. Take your own goals and make them your priority because no one else is going to. It might even surprise you where your goals take you. Let yourself brainstorm and dream. Stop making his choices your end all be all.

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      • avatar

        csp October 20, 2014, 12:25 pm

        LW – as someone older, there are two thing that I know for sure. More important that anything in a relationship is being on the same page as a partner. If you have one person who wants to spend money on a boat and the other thinks it is a waste, it will not will not work. It isn’t simply being savers versus spenders but also how you prioritize how you spend your money. Is it more important to spend on experiences or tangible items? I am not seeing the same page here.

        The second thing is that Adulthood can be stressful, boring, and disappointing. More importantly is that the work world can be mindnumbingly tedious. I think your boyfriend is going through a quarter life crisis and is looking for an adventure, any adventure. Both of you need to prioritize your aspirations because hanging on to a relationship with someone who doesn’t know themselves is a bunch of wasted time and energy

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. October 20, 2014, 10:35 am

    Yep, WWS all the way. BF has checked out and is too much of a coward to say so. Do exactly as Wendy says. I had a boyfriend like this and I was so much happier when it ended, although at the time I was devastated. Trust me, you’ll get over that quick.

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  • avatar

    Nico October 20, 2014, 10:41 am

    LW: You say “take OUR” savings and buy a boat. I 100% suggest that you take your 50% of the savings, and get it out of there ASAP. If both of your names are on the account, you have to close the account to get him off of it, meaning he can just walk in and take all of the savings. MIGHT I suggest living for yourself, and keeping your finances separate from anyone you date in the future until you have literally said “I DO”.

    This guy is not only going to leave you, but he might be leaving you with terrible credit, and all of your savings completely gone. Take some steps for YOU and lets this man child GO.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy October 20, 2014, 3:08 pm

      Yes!

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    • avatar

      Lucy October 20, 2014, 4:16 pm

      Yes. If the savings are really 50% yours and they’re in a joint account, then put your money where he can’t get it.

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  • avatar

    Sara October 20, 2014, 10:41 am

    What Lyra said. New savings account, stat.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 October 20, 2014, 10:42 am

    Parts of this seems a bit blown out f proportion to me. There is no indication that the boyfriend isn’t putting money away for his future, plenty of people can afford to buy themselves nice cars, and still save money, and the LW didn’t say anything about him not actually saving money. He doesn’t refuse to tell the LW that he loves her, he just refused to say it one night, because he was upset with her, because she asked if he loved he anymore, and I would probably be mad about that too. He never said he didn’t care if the LW came sailing around the world with him or not, just made a joke about doing it by himself, which I could see somebody in a relationship making.

    The truth is both of you want different things in life, and neither of you want to compromise so it isn’t going to work. Putting all the blame on this guy for not wanting to compromise, and the LW not compromising either is just not fair.

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    • avatar

      Stillrunning October 20, 2014, 11:02 am

      “The truth is both of you want different things in life, and neither of you want to compromise so it isn’t going to work.”

      Yes, different dreams and different goals, both are valid.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. October 20, 2014, 11:18 am

      You can really see someone making that kind of a joke? When their GF has already expressed some insecurity? That would be a huge dick move, in my opinion.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 October 20, 2014, 11:46 am

        Yes, yes I could. I could see somebody be like “haha, fine I sail around the world by myself then” We don’t even know if this whole boat thing is even a real suggestion, or him just joking around with a dream he has anyways, and her just overreacting, because she is upset about him wanting to move away in the first place. Do you really think that is something attainable right now for somebody who isn’t 30 yet, and is going to be starting a new job? I love how everyone is jumping on this guy today like he is a hug dick. He has clearly been talking to her about what he wants to do with his life, and she knows he has been looking for a new job, it just so happens to be that the job he is looking for is 200 miles away. These two shouldn’t be together, because they don’t want the same thing. Everyone is telling her she needs to follow her dreams, and take care of herself first, but they are pissed at him, because he is doing that.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed October 20, 2014, 11:49 am

        Bravo, bagge, bravo!
        I’m with you today. He’s openly telling her what he wants–isn’t that what we always encourage people to do. Since her dreams don’t match up in any manner, the writing is on the wall.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 October 20, 2014, 11:51 am

        What is a hug dick anyways? I like getting my dick hugged.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana October 20, 2014, 12:02 pm

        Yes these two just don’t seem matched–she wants him to be thinking of marriage and kids and he wants to have an adventure and see the world. If I were dating someone right now who wanted marriage and kids, this LW would be my boyfriend. They clearly have just grown in different directions and want different things.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. October 20, 2014, 12:13 pm

        I’m not disagreeing that she should be paying attention to what he is saying in a very roundabout way. If he wants out, he should say so. She should by all means realize that his plans do not fit with her plans, and she should say she wants out. But, if someone is feeling a little insecure, the last thing they need to hear is a joke about sailing around the world alone. I’m jumping on him for being a dick because he’s acting like a dick in that regard.

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      • avatar

        csp October 20, 2014, 12:29 pm

        Honestly, every time I go on vacation, I say, “I’m going to quit my job and sell coconuts.” I am not going to do this but I think it is a way of saying that the intensity of my daily life could be lessened with a simple job in a beautiful place.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover October 20, 2014, 11:42 am

      I think the people who are saying to get her part out of the savings account are right, though. Because it’s pretty clear that they want different things in life, and therefore the relationship is likely going to end. So it’s just common sense to move your money out of the joint account before breaking it off, for safety’s sake. Because afterwards everything might be an emotional mess and who knows what will happen?
      .
      It’s not that he’s necessarily an idiot with money, but just that it’s safer to do it beforehand, since it has to be split once they break up anyway. And if the savings aren’t really “our” savings but “his” savings, then she should just get her name off the account and leave the money to him. Just take the part that’s actually hers, if any.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 October 20, 2014, 11:49 am

        Yeah I get that, but no where does it say that they actually have a joint account. This sounds more like hypothetical savings to me since she is living off student loans, and weren’t any where near buying a house right now. Either that or they have separate accounts, and know how much each other has.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana October 20, 2014, 12:09 pm

        the way this letter reads is that the LW considers them an “us” and he is very much still in the “i” mode. Maybe they have separate savings but because they live together she sees it as “we” thing. The way this LW talks about things “he decided to buy a sports car instead of somethign family friendly”–like yeah you don’t have a family? Saying you want to have kids with someone one day is a lot different than actively trying to have kids/start a family. They aren’t married or engaged and I think she has read a lot more in to them living together than there is.

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite October 20, 2014, 12:43 pm

        That’s how I read it as well. But given how quickly they jumped into living together I wouldn’t be surprised if they made a tangled mess of their finances as well. He needs to do his thing and she needs to do hers. Separately.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 October 20, 2014, 1:10 pm

        Oh I agree with you, he is still thinking “this is my money, I’m going to go buy an awesome car, and enjoy myself while I can” She’s think “WTF dude, we need to get that rav-4 for our hypothetical kids that we don’t have, and can’t have for a while anyways, because I’m in school, and then want to start a career”

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover October 20, 2014, 1:38 pm

        This is why people need to stop moving in together without discussing what it means! How many of the issues on DW would have been solved if people talked about their expectations first? There is no point moving in with someone and hoping it’ll just end up the way you want. Either it will or it won’t. Moving in together won’t help. Have a discussion about what you want, and if your wants don’t match, then you’re not a good long-term fit. The end.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 October 20, 2014, 2:18 pm

        Short story kind of related. So I have a co-worker who always complained about not having a BF blah blah blah. So she went out on a date with this guy, and had a great time, but found out he has 4 kids. So talking to her, she didn’t want to go on a second date with this guy, because she doesn’t want to date a guy with kids, and doesn’t want kid of her own, but she decided to go on the second date anyways. So they have spent everyday or the last month together, and she has moved in too his house with him! AFTER A MONTH. I just want to be like, what the heck are you doing, this guy had a deal breaker for you, and instead of taking it slow to see if this is something you can work around, you move in after a month! But I haven’t said anything to her, because it’s not my place, and she wont tell me who she moved in with even though it is on facebook.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover October 20, 2014, 3:05 pm

        I know we used to have arranged marriages, and no one was allowed to marry for love, and it was all strict and crappy. But people have gone WAY TOO FAR the other way! I feel sorry for those poor kids. 🙁 Hopefully they don’t live with the guy full-time or even half-time.

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  • avatar

    sms841 October 20, 2014, 10:53 am

    WEES. I am a mostly-lurker who almost always comments to ask my own questions, but reading this letter really got to me because it seems like the relationship I had with my now-ex. We only broke up a few weeks ago, but I already feel infinitely better because it was clearly the wrong relationship to be in. We were together for almost two years (off and on) and I was devastated when we finally broke up. LW – you may not feel like this now, but I promise it gets better!

    I’m feeling better every day because of the reason he actually ended things. I just got a really huge promotion a few weeks ago (yay!) and about a week after the news of the promotion came back, he started acting really strange and was picking fights with me over nothing. Eventually it turned out that, according to him, my job was “too stressful” and he couldn’t be with me anymore. The only issue with that is my job has had the same level of stress for the two years I’ve worked there, and I now have less personal stress because my finances are going to be in such better shape with making more money and my promotion almost totally removes me from the toxic people that were causing me stress at work.

    So, this “too stressful” comment? I truly believe he was uncomfortable that I am now making significantly more money than him, and that I have concrete plans for growing in my career. I think he was intimidated by my ambition, and didn’t have the real ambition to match. Sure, he has dreams of being his own boss, but he never did anything to move on that. It was all talk to avoid making the necessary steps to better his own situation.

    Now that I’ve made this post mostly about me… I hope the LW can take the anecdote of my experience to see what happens where you’re dating someone with big ideas but no direction to bring their plans to fruition. Maybe this guy will eventually get a boat and sail around the world, but don’t waste your potential and your goals on someone who won’t support your own personal and career growth.

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    • avatar

      sms841 October 20, 2014, 10:58 am

      Rereading what I wrote, I also want to emphasize that I was fine with him deciding to do whatever he wanted in his career. I never pushed him to move up the ranks — it might seem like that from what I said. I knew I was ambitious and shared my plans for that. He has complained about his current job, his boss, his salary… everything for almost as long as I’ve known him. He’s asked me to help rewrite his resume, which I’ve done twice. But he’s never actually taken the next step to look for other jobs because staying in his current position was easier. I didn’t disparage him for that, it was his choice. But I never thought he would break up with me for bettering my own situation.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery October 21, 2014, 1:41 pm

      Congrats on your promotion!

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  • Diablo

    Diablo October 20, 2014, 11:35 am

    LW, you only get one life, and it is far too short to subjugate yourself to the whims of someone who doesn’t put your needs on the same level as his. i know it’s hard, sad and painful, but you need to end this and find someone who is on the same page as you. “Distance might break us up but it’s worth the risk” is not something you should ever hear from the mouth of someone you are thinking of making babies with. The correct phrase is “I would cross heaven and earth to be with you. No job would ever be worth being apart from you for a long time.” I have said those words and backed them up with action. You deserve to hear them from someone.

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    Sue Jones October 20, 2014, 11:57 am

    Oh dear, I had too many boyfriends like this in my 20’s. Take it from me, when they start talking about “travelling the world” or “moving”, what they are really saying is “don’t count on a future with me”. Even if they say they want you to come with, it is basically THEIR dream and THEIR blowing smoke up your ass… no taking into account YOUR dreams and future plans. So keep building your own future and let this guy go. You don’t want to be with someone who blows the family budget on his toys without consulting you anyway. They just keep doing it as they age even after kids… I know too many women who married (and divorced) losers like this and it will ruin your credit. You will create your future and find someone with compatible goals eventually and you will have your own (better) life.

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      Sue Jones October 20, 2014, 12:13 pm

      And I DID actually travel the world (alone) in my 20’s, and along the way I met so many guys who said “Yeah, I had this serious girlfriend that I lived with who wanted to get married and shit, and I felt trapped so I took off!” Nice, right? Let him go.

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      csp October 20, 2014, 12:38 pm

      yes, I believe that if he said, “Lets start saving, and once you graduate, we can take the summer to go to Asia. When we return, we can both find jobs.” That is a plan for a couple.

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      • Portia

        Portia October 20, 2014, 12:45 pm

        Oh good, because that’s how me and Bassanio talk. We’re trying to align our transitions to new jobs (well, for me from grad school to a job) so that we can take some long, awesome vacation together.

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      • Astronomer

        Astronomer October 20, 2014, 3:05 pm

        I love this. I don’t know why couples have to be so damn serious about everything all the time. There’s nothing wrong with taking off together for awhile and blowing some money. Experiences are worth so much more than having an IRA at 20-somehing.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana October 20, 2014, 4:48 pm

        YES! Thank you–it is like this rush to do everything and people have stopped enjoying the process of getting to those final steps. Whatever works for people, fine but sometimes life is about the ride not the destination (to sound super cliche and lame).

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        RedroverRedrover October 20, 2014, 4:57 pm

        Welllllll, that depends. If you can afford it, then sure. But most people come out of school with debt, and I think it’s irresponsible to just blow a ton of money instead of trying to make yourself financially stable. Build a base first, then have all the fun you want. And you’ll have even more fun if you know you’re not screwing up your financial future.

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      • Portia

        Portia October 20, 2014, 7:15 pm

        I agree with this more than anything else. If either of us had extensive debt or were planning on starting a family anytime soon, then this probably wouldn’t be on the table.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra October 20, 2014, 11:04 pm

        For me it’s about being careful and staying safe financially speaking. Sure I would love to take off and travel and blow some money. Buttttt…three things: a.) I have a shit ton of student loans yet and b.) I earn very little money so I literally have nothing to spare and c.) I would MUCH rather start saving for retirement/the future now instead of waiting because that way I feel more secure. It’s super irresponsible to just run off without a plan especially when there are other financial responsibilities such as loans, saving for a house down payment, etc.
        .
        If a couple can afford it, by all means go on an adventure. Go traveling. Quit your job. But most people CAN’T afford it. Some do it anyway. Then they realize that they couldn’t afford their lifestyle and are swimming in debt. No thanks.
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        Don’t get me wrong I LOVE to travel. I wish I could afford to take a trip…but I can’t afford it right now and I know that. Too many people put wants in front of needs. To provide an example, my ex is exhibit A of irresponsible spending. Within two months of getting his first job because he “deserved it”, he had bought an iPad, brand new iPhone, new TV and stand, and $400 worth of new clothes. All while he had taken out a loan for “necessary expenses” from his new bank because he literally had ZERO money. Plus $50k in student loans and a good $15k in credit card debt. Nooooo thank you — I don’t want that life.

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        csp October 20, 2014, 4:23 pm

        Totally agree, you just need to both be in on the plan.

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  • avatar

    AndreaMarie October 20, 2014, 3:01 pm

    He’s planning out the plans for his future and you are not a part of them. Sure he’s telling you you can join in but the core of his future has nothing to do with you or your relationship. It’s not “our” future its “his” future. Move on, take your part of the savings, graduate, and start your on future

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  • Astronomer

    Astronomer October 20, 2014, 3:12 pm

    LW, your boyfriend sounds like a lot of fun and a live in the moment type, and you sound like you’re very serious and a plan for the future all the time type. If you can’t find some sort of middle ground between sailing the world and buying a house in the burbs for making babies, you’re just not going to make it together. I don’t think it’s that he’s not into you; I think it’s more that you’re into very different things and want very different lives for yourselves. If you’re into domesticity and he’s into adventure, let him go so you don’t spend the rest of your lives resenting each other.

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  • avatar

    Lucy October 20, 2014, 4:18 pm

    This guy isn’t doing anything wrong. You just don’t have the same priorities. He wants to run around having adventures. That’s cool. Let him go. Don’t follwo him, and don’t wait for him. You’ll meet someone more suited for you, probably several someones.

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    • avatar

      kali October 20, 2014, 4:49 pm

      Lucy – sounds to me like he is doing something wrong: he’s not being open and honest about wanting out.
      .
      AND he’s super immature about his future plans. Someone who wants to sail around the world without knowing how to sail is insane as well.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana October 20, 2014, 5:30 pm

        He may not want out? Maybe he just is looking for an adventurous partner in crime and realized that now–clearly LW is not that person. Nothing wrong with what either of them want; just those don’t align. . There is nothing wrong, in your mid 20’s with figuring out what you want in life-if you have the money to do so and noone who is depending on you. Personally, I think this is a mature thing to do; figuring out your shit before you have children/get married/etc. Maybe he has plans to *learn* how to sail. Just because someone isn’t going down the path of steady job, two kids, whatever-doesn’t mean they are immature. These two people are just not a good fit.

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