Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“He LIES and LIES and LIES!”

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I have known a guy for a year who has lived with his girlfriend for 20 years. He has told me over and over they are like roommates — that he does not love her and he is going to leave her. Yeah, right. He lies, and I don’t believe him for a second, but I have hung on for a year and he texts me all the time saying he misses me, sending me kisses, etc.

He was my bus driver for a school I worked for and I would ride his bus every day, so every day he and I would just hug and kiss and get to spend like an hour together before I had to catch my train home. I have since left that school and he was fired (unrelated to me), and since all of that I have only really seen him like three times to hang out.

Long story short: he has taken vacations with his girlfriend, has taken her to his sons’ weddings and etc., and has even gotten a hotel room for them after the wedding of one of his sons even though he told me that he had to be careful how much he drank so he could drive home after the wedding. He had this hotel room scheduled way before the day of the wedding, so why the need to lie to me? The way I found out was he was FaceTiming me from the wedding and he forgot to shut his phone off and put it in his pocket that is how I found out they had a room and were heading there. I also heard him talking with the sister of the bride about a tattoo that she had on her back right above her butt. He asked her if they are still called “tramp stamps,” which, to me, is totally inappropriate and makes me feel like he is loose and a player.

Understand that he is 64 years old I am 50, and I am widowed and not seeing anyone. He told me also that he was going out of town to VA because he had a buddy who was a war hero and was going to be buried there, which is true. He said they would leave on Thursday morning, get a hotel, and come back Friday. We were going to see each other Friday evening for the first time in months. So he called me Wednesday morning and said he was heading to a job interview, which I believed; he said he could not wait to get out of his interview clothes and that he would let me know how the interview went. I said good luck and we hung up. A few hours later I asked him if he was back from his interview and he said soon. I still had not heard from him a couple of hours after, so I texted him and got nothing back. SIX more hours went by and it was 8:30 pm so I knew he was no longer at the interview. I was so angry at that point, because of the day before with all the wedding lies and now this, so I sent a couple of angry texts.

Well, finally he calls me and says he is on his way home. I asked him where he was and for like five minutes he kept saying, “You don’t know where I was? You mean you really don’t know where I was?” I finally said, “Are you going to tell me or not?” He then stated that I blew the surprise and that he went to VA a day early so he could get back early and spend more time with me Friday. Bull crap. I don’t believe him. Anyway, he said he never had an interview. Why the need to lie to me about this? It only took him two hours to get to Virginia and two to get back, and he was on his way at 7:30 a.m., so why did he get back at 8:30 p.m.? Oh, and he was drunk, too. He said he was at a brunch-like thing with his relatives who went with him to the funeral and he should have called but forgot to and he was sorry. Yeah, right!

Since the few nasty texts I sent, we have texted each other and I thought everything was ok, but I texted him this morning to ask him how he is holding up after the funeral and I did not get a response all morning. Noon comes and I call him to be sure he is ok and he answers, does not say anything, and then immediately hangs up the phone and shuts it off! I just need to get your opinion on how you view this guy. I know how I am viewing him, but what the hell?

P.S. We have never had sex either. He claims he has not had sex with his girlfriend for 10 years, but, if it has been that long, then why didn’t he ever want to have it with me?? — Yeah, Right

MOA.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

54 comments… add one
  • mrmidtwenties

    mrmidtwenties November 11, 2014, 8:26 am

    oh hail to the bus driver bus driver man ….
    That’s all this letter made me think abut.

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite November 11, 2014, 8:46 am

    You’re 50 and he’s 64? I was totally guessing teens, I thought the bus driver thing was super gross for a second.

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      RedroverRedrover November 11, 2014, 8:50 am

      Agree, I thought she was a student at the school and he was a bus driver in his 30s or something.

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite November 11, 2014, 8:58 am

        Took me back, I totally had a hot bus driver back in the day. Pretty much all the farmers in town double as bus drivers and one that drove my team a bunch was the older brother of a couple of guys that I was in high school with. He was probably mid-20s. One of the guys I went to high school with drives bus now so it’s probably him who’s the hot bus driver nowadays lol, oh high school.

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    RedroverRedrover November 11, 2014, 8:49 am

    Please, move on. This guy is using you to feel a little love and attention on the side. He’s treating his girlfriend like a girlfriend. He’s treating you like crap. Hell, he might have 3 or 4 women like you that he’s stringing along in the exact same way.
    .
    You never see this guy, he’s with someone else, all he does is make you sad and upset. What are you sticking around for? You could meet someone else who actually makes time to spend with you. Someone who is free to date. Someone who doesn’t lie to you all the time. Don’t waste your time with this guy, he’s clearly a jerk.
    .
    I don’t know your situation, maybe you haven’t dated since you lost your spouse and you met this guy and it just happened and seemed so easy, so you don’t want to let him go. But it’s better to have no guy than this guy. Plus, right now you’re the other woman. Do you really feel right about that? Don’t kiss guys who are taken. Just find someone else.

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    • gigi

      gigi November 11, 2014, 9:32 am

      Yes – why are you OK with running after another woman’s boyfriend? And why would you settle for this kind of treatment? Don’t you want to come first with someone?

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster November 11, 2014, 12:10 pm

      I am amazed that you formed an actual response to this mess. How did you do that? Seriously? Because my brain stopped attempting to comprehend this letter after I had to reread the bus driver paragraph.

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      • Portia

        Portia November 11, 2014, 1:59 pm

        Seconded.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover November 11, 2014, 2:51 pm

        It was tough going, I’m not gonna lie. But you have to keep at it, if you want to go for the gold!

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh November 11, 2014, 8:50 am

    oh my

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  • FireStar

    FireStar November 11, 2014, 9:06 am

    I’d say you are his side chick… but at your ages I’m not sure it is called that.

    Block his number and don’t call him. He is just using you for an attention fix when he needs one. And you are letting him. He isn’t having sex with you because he is having it with his girlfriend and, in his head, he isn’t cheating on her unless he has sex with you.

    Also, when someone repeats a simple question back to you in whatever form – they are buying time to formulate a lie.

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  • rosie posie

    rosie posie November 11, 2014, 9:08 am

    Wow.

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana November 11, 2014, 9:20 am

    It is a bad sign if you can’t even make it past the first 2 sentences without thinking- wtf and moa. So yeah- you just wasted a year of your life with this text relationship…or that is what I got from briefly skimming your letter. Just stop. Your feelings about this guy “what the hell” are the only ones worth having.

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie November 11, 2014, 9:23 am

    This guys supposed life is a stretch but I had a single woman roommate for a few years and we never had sex with each other. If her daughter hadn’t gotten so obnoxious it might have gone on longer. 10 years of being celebrate is a long time but my wife’s ongoing cancer treatments have rendered us to be platonic for over 11 years, so maybe he’s legitimate.

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    • FireStar

      FireStar November 11, 2014, 9:34 am

      I trust you aren’t telling anyone you are going to be leaving your wife and you don’t love her?
      This guy can’t even spell legit.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray November 11, 2014, 10:12 am

        yeah, he can’t even spell ligit!!

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    • Portia

      Portia November 11, 2014, 3:30 pm

      Not to make too much light of your situation, and I can’t apologize enough if this is insensitive, but I love your typo there and think that instead of calling it “celibate,” we should call it “celebrate” (rhyming with “celibate,” of course). Give ’em a little, cause they aren’t getting any?

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      • fast eddie

        fast eddie November 11, 2014, 9:07 pm

        EGAD, it’s enough that I can’t spell but spell check sometimes plays games with me. What I was trying to say is that I’m not having PIV intercourse with anybody. At least my hand and I get it on regularly…

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  • Amanda

    Amanda November 11, 2014, 9:42 am

    …I don’t get it.

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  • Portia

    Portia November 11, 2014, 9:58 am

    Typical baby boomer…

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray November 11, 2014, 10:02 am

      hahaha

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      • Portia

        Portia November 11, 2014, 11:48 am

        I was pretty proud of myself for that one. Also, I looked up the age range of baby boomers before posting just to be sure – they both made it in just under the wire.

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster November 11, 2014, 12:11 pm

      You win today.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray November 11, 2014, 4:01 pm

        ok but my goal is to try to win tomorrow, ok?

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster November 11, 2014, 4:07 pm

        As the self-appointed judge of who wins days, your nomination as a candidate for winning tomorrow has been taken under consideration.

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray November 11, 2014, 4:17 pm

        Oh oh oh a fun twist will be the funny comment has to be limited to 3 words. (But starting later, not tomorrow.)

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      • Portia

        Portia November 11, 2014, 4:08 pm

        You’ve got a high bar to clear, I’m just sayin…

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray November 11, 2014, 4:14 pm

        You are on, Portia-pants! But. BUT. New rule: if the letter tomorrow is really heavy sad (like, a young girl writing in from her death bed or a mother who has just lost her baby or a lawyer who is out of red wine, then I get a pass and will compete on Thursday. … It’s only fair.

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      • Portia

        Portia November 11, 2014, 5:01 pm

        I accept these terms, and agree to TaraMonster’s position as judge.

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      • Portia

        Portia November 11, 2014, 5:06 pm

        Oh gosh, a lawyer out of red wine??? That is obviously the worst of these hypothetical scenarios. In honor of this poor lawyer, I am preemptively giving a glass of red wine to another lawyer I know tonight.
        .
        (That lawyer would be Bassanio, who mentioned about an hour ago that we should work on our open bottle at dinner.)

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray November 11, 2014, 10:12 am

    ^ that was kind of funny right?

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    • Addie Pray

      Addie Pray November 11, 2014, 10:13 am

      oops, wrong spot.

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    • Portia

      Portia November 11, 2014, 10:18 am

      ::takes a bow::

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark November 11, 2014, 11:12 am

    Um… Maybe… I dunno… Maybe he is asexual? Honestly? That is the only thing that makes sense here. I mean, if he is banging her like there is no tomorrow — why even bother seeing you? Yeah. I am baffled by this one. But it sounds to me like you are most definitely not a match. They say 50 is the new thirty. (A fact I steadfastly agree with as it puts me at 27!) But sweetie-darling, MOA. Sad but true… you’re not getting any younger.

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  • avatar

    MissDre November 11, 2014, 11:16 am

    I didn’t even understand what was happening in this letter…

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy November 11, 2014, 12:01 pm

      LIES LIES LIES

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        mertlej November 11, 2014, 12:04 pm

        Boats boats boats?

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      • Portia

        Portia November 11, 2014, 4:09 pm

        hahahaha!

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster November 11, 2014, 12:07 pm

      Me either.
      .
      I think the moral of the story is don’t date your bus driver. It always ends in heartache.
      .
      Did I get it right? No?

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  • avatar

    kali November 11, 2014, 1:57 pm

    Some people lie because they can. They like the adrenaline rush they get from it. I had a boss like that. No morals, no lines he wouldn’t cross, no compassion for anyone else. RUN fast and far!

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones November 11, 2014, 2:00 pm

    At first I thought you were a naive 20-something, but then I saw your age… honey, 50’s is TOO OLD to put up with any crap! You are most likely no longer driven by hormones to do stupid things, so it must be loneliness. Find other people to hang out with and MOA. Life is too short!

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  • avatar

    JB November 11, 2014, 2:42 pm

    As a 54 woman I have to object to the tone of a few comments made here. Being in your 50s doesn’t mean you’re dead or at death’s door or that your life is over or even nearly so. I would hope no one, regardless of their age, is ever “driven by hormones to do stupid things.” And I can assure you that I feel just as much lust and desire as I ever have, despite being post-menopausal. You will all find that, while your body may age and you (hopefully) will gain wisdom and knowledge, you will still feel like the same person inside that you always were. Some switch doesn’t get thrown when you hit 45 and you become some old person in your mind. And we are all vulnerable to loneliness at any age, whether we are in our teens, 20s, 30s, or beyond. It’s not something felt only by “baby boomers.” Please try to open your minds and question your assumptions about older people. And try to remember all the other letters written by women decades younger than this one, acting just as foolish and gullible as her.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy November 11, 2014, 2:48 pm

      I totally agree with you. But just as a point of clarification, the “typical baby boomers” comment upthread was a joke because DWers, in general, are quick to say “typical millenials” any time a 20-something does/says/acts stupid.

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      • Portia

        Portia November 11, 2014, 3:10 pm

        LOL, yes, 100% WWS (it’s also about “80’s babies,” a subgroup of millenials that also tends to be the object of those “typical X” comments).

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      • Addie Pray

        Addie Pray November 11, 2014, 4:00 pm

        (and who are not overly sensitive about it at all, haha)

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      • Portia

        Portia November 11, 2014, 4:06 pm

        I almost wrote (in keeping with the tone of these types of exchanges): Jeez, stop being so sensitive! #NotAllBabyBoomers

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      RedroverRedrover November 11, 2014, 2:50 pm

      I think the idea is that by the age of 50, most people will have matured beyond this kind of thing. Not that there’s some magic age after which you don’t do anything stupid. But the impression I got (which I kind of alluded to in my response above) was that she’s never really dated before and she doesn’t really know what she’s doing. So if that’s the case it’s kind of understandable, if she met her husband young and got married, that she doesn’t know how to deal with scumbags like this.

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    • Steph

      Steph November 11, 2014, 2:51 pm

      While there have been a few comments meant as jokes (I assume )about the age of the LW, I still think everyone’s advice as to MOA still stands.
      .
      And as I’m younger than this LW you would think her tolerance for lies and drama is much less than the younger women (and men) that write in asking for advice. I know at 30 years old my tolerance has changed for lies and drama. While I still have some because everyone does, those people that look for it and feed of it I tend to shy away from. Much more so in the last 3-5 years than every before. I can only imagine with the wisdom you say I’ll have in my 50s I’d sure as heck be smart enough not to tolerate the lies this man who is currently in a relationship is feeding the LW.
      .
      The most shocking thing to me was the LW not once seemed to actually be upset that he had a girlfriend. She seemed upset that he lied about the seriousness of his relationship with her but not the actual relationship with his girlfriend.

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite November 11, 2014, 3:04 pm

        What Steph said. This relationship is presented as an absolute mess and my assumption was that a woman in her 50s would be more willing to leave that drama and stress behind. Not that she wouldn’t be lustful or have desires. Everyone has those but everyone also knows that you don’t always have to act on those wants.

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        Sunshine Brite November 11, 2014, 3:05 pm

        Which isn’t to say that she shouldn’t be able to get some, but clearly she isn’t even getting it here despite all the rigmarole

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      • avatar

        Sue Jones November 12, 2014, 3:05 pm

        Yes, that was exactly what I wanted to say. At 53 I have zero tolerance for drama.

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    JB November 11, 2014, 2:42 pm

    54-year-old, I meant to say…

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  • bondbabe

    bondbabe November 11, 2014, 3:57 pm

    Ok, as a 51-year old woman, I would advise you to stop waiting…stop waiting for him to decide when he’s going to call, stop waiting for him to decide he’s going to leave his girlfriend (and, WTH woman…what if YOU were the girlfriend and he’s doggin’ you with a side dish??!! really?), stop waiting for him to decide how YOUR life is going to be. Remember, the idiom “actions speak louder than words”? Your letter recites all the lies, lies, lies he says, and that you don’t believe him most of the time, right? So please STOP standing (waiting) there and letting all his lies engulf you, your life and your sanity. All his actions are speaking to you quite loudly—he is a jackass, and it’s obviously is making you question your judgement. I agree. I get that you have familiarity and it’s somewhat comfortable, and it’s just easier to try to hang on to a thread of this relationship than to start knitting a new one. But look at what you wrote–re-read it carefully. He’s an asshat who should be left to his own girlfriend/lies/non-existant surprises/trifling with people’s lives. You’re 50, I’m 51, we’ve seen this same sh!t in some way, shape or form for a good 30+ years. At our age we can really start to feel that we only have a limited time here on earth and that we need to make that time be meaningful, fun, charitable and memorable. Liar-Boy doesn’t sound like ANY of those; and no sex, to boot?!? Boo-yah, later.

    Stand on your two feet and go find someone who WILL NOT treat you like a doormat. I know you can do better (and YOU know it too).

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  • Dear Wendy

    Dear Wendy November 12, 2014, 9:11 am

    From the LW:

    “Thank you Wendy for all the advice and everyone else’s! I have blocked him on my phone I have had no contact with him at all and I have since joined a gym so that I can start doing things to feel better about me! I did know that he was lying to me this whole year but sadly believed him when he said he loved me, I was just an ass but NO MORE!”

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