Oh, dear God. No, that’s not how it works. You can absolutely get pregnant by a man who has gotten another woman pregnant. You can get pregnant in the same season! In the same year! Even on the same day! Even if he says you can’t! Even if he only puts the tip in. Even if he already got you pregnant once before. Please, educate yourself on basic biology, use protection, and don’t actively try to have a baby with someone if you seriously aren’t prepared to be a mother and potentially raise a baby on your own (because it kind of sounds like maybe this guy might not be the type to make himself 100% available…).
My partner is somewhat of an Alpha-male; he built our house almost single-handedly and tripled its value, but he rarely helps with housework. After work he usually stops off at the bar for a beer. When he gets home, dinner is ready. After dinner he watches TV while I get the kids ready for bed and tidy up. He has never looked after both children on his own and only recently changed baby’s diaper for the first time.
Recently, I’ve gotten quite ill. When I suspected I was getting sick, I was too weak and in pain to take action and I asked him to take me to the emergency room. He said I should take painkillers and rest after I put the baby to sleep. The next day I got worse and he left me alone with the baby to “rest.” I called him to come home but he didn’t, so I called an ambulance to take me to hospital where I was diagnosed with viral meningitis and told that I may be suffering with fatigue and need to rest. I was also told that usually viruses don’t develop into meningitis and exhaustion may have had a part to play.
I was given a prescription for strong painkillers and got a friend to drive me back home. The next morning my partner took the kids to daycare and I asked him to get my painkillers on his way back, which he didn’t do because he thought I already had some. I was in too much pain to react and only cried and then went to bed. Meanwhile, his mother dashed out to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. (Yeah, I forgot to mention that he called his mother when I went to the hospital and asked her to stay in the spare room and look after kids, cook, and clean in my place.)
He doesn’t view himself as a caregiver since I rarely ask for help and he feels that he is in need of my support, not vice-versa. I’m not sure how to approach it or what to say to him. He’s quite sensitive but reacts to his feelings being hurt by getting angry and name-calling. I haven’t the energy for an argument. I’d like us to stay together, but there needs to be long-term changes for the sake of my health. I realize I’ve made him sound like a tyrant which I suppose he is at his very worst, but he is also extremely hard-working, a caring father, and a lot of fun to be with when the going is good. What do you advise I do? — Pass The Codeine
I don’t care how hard-working the guy is or how much the value of the house he built has increased, he sounds like a grade-A asshole. And you have enabled him to be this way. So now you’ve got to let him know that his terrible behavior towards you cannot continue. Either he steps up and starts being a true partner to you — caring for you when you’re sick, pitching in with the childcare, and taking your concerns seriously, or you’re leaving him. And you need to be prepared to do just that or this is your life forever. He may be “a lot of fun to be with when the going is good,” but if the bad isn’t dealt with immediately, the “good” will be far less frequent or enjoyable.
What’s great about your situation, and where you have an advantage over many women who write to me with similar concerns, is that you have a career — and it’s one you love. Leaving your asshole husband wouldn’t be as difficult as it is for women who are completely financially dependent on their partners. If I were you, I’d start thinking about the “how” of leaving him (including talk to an attorney), so that if it comes to that, you have your ducks in a row and your defense ready.
There must have been trust issues to begin with or you wouldn’t have gone snooping on your boyfriend’s phone. So, you snooped and discovered he’d been cheating for months. I can’t imagine that solved your trust issues, so no wonder you’re still feeling like a mess. You say you feel “sick” about this, which I infer is because your boyfriend “did stuff” with another guy. You didn’t just say you found out he’d been cheating; you said you found out he’d been cheating “with another dude.” Cheating is cheating. The only thing “sick” about what your boyfriend did is that he was dishonest with you and betrayed you. Maybe you feel worse that he betrayed you with a man instead of a woman, and you need to ask yourself why. Is it because you think homosexuality is “sick”? Or is it because you can’t trust that your boyfriend is into women? Regardless, your trust issues remain, you don’t believe your boyfriend cares about you, and you feel sick over his behavior. It’s a good thing you aren’t married! Leaving him would be much more difficult if you were.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.