We only communicate with one another in order to find out if the other person is available to hook-up. We usually meet about once every week or so. After sex, we don’t usually cuddle and one of us usually makes an excuse about needing to go do something because we’re busy. This past week, however, he started rubbing my leg and holding my hand afterwards. I reciprocated, but a few minutes later, he said that he had something to do later. Additionally, while getting dressed, he tried to engage me in conversation, which usually doesn’t happen. The thing that gives me pause, however, is that he hasn’t divulged too many details about himself, and when he does, it’s in response to what I’m talking about. I’m really shy and I think he is too.
What do I do? Do I make myself more vulnerable? I am really hesitant in putting myself out there if he doesn’t want anything more than just hooking-up. From what I know about him (hobbies, interests, etc) I really, really like him and think we’d make a really good couple.
Also, what adds to the confusion is that he doesn’t always respond to my text messages in a timely fashion (or sometimes at all). Then, out of the blue, he’ll email or call me. But when he does call or email, he’s flirty, personable, etc. He still hasn’t responded to my two texts from a month ago (which he has done before). Do I email or call him again? Or, is he just not that into me? I’m so confused. — Wanting To Attach Strings
You’re confused? So am I! You’re in a sex-only relationship with a guy you say you only communicate with to organize your hookups. Even when you’re together in person, you admit that you rarely even engage in conversation. You say you hardly know anything about this guy as “he hasn’t divulged too many details about himself.” And yet, you’ve developed feelings for him and think you’d make a “really good couple”? What are you basing it on? The size of his toothbrush? From what you’ve described, you don’t even know each other.
I get letters from people like you all the time. Literally, almost every day. They’re usually from women — women who, for whatever reason, are in a NSA-attached sexual relationship and have decided they want more from the person they’re sleeping with. My advice to you and to every other woman who writes in with a similar story — a story that involves developing feelings on her part and absolutely no sign of interest from the other party outside of easy sex — is this: MOA. Move on already. This cannot end well.
Once you start sleeping with someone, it’s really hard to backtrack. You can’t just re-write the rules of a relationship when a relationship was never established. You can’t suddenly say, “Oh, I’d like for you to treat me like a person now — you know, engage me in conversation and reply to my texts and show me some interest, attention and affection,” if that offer was never on the menu. Why? Because that’s not what the guy wants. If it were, he would be with a woman who offered that to begin with. He chose you because you’re like a fast food drive-thru to him. He can’t even be bothered to get out of his car to come in and place the order. He wants it quick and easy, and he’s with you (or, was with you) because that’s what you’re giving him. And you’re asking me whether you should make yourself more vulnerable? Darlin’, it sounds to me like you couldn’t if you tried.
It probably sounds like I’m anti-casual sex, which isn’t the case. Casual, NSA sex can work if it’s what both parties want. When one person ceases wanting that, it no longer works and the relationship should be terminated. If I were the person who wanted strings attached, I would not stick around and try to attach those strings in a relationship where none previously existed. Have you ever heard of a fast food place being turned into a fine dining establishment? It doesn’t happen. And if it were to happen, the fast food place would have to be shut down first and then some serious renovations would need to take place.
So, shut it down, sister. Shut it down. Considering the dude hasn’t even replied to your two booty call texts from over a month ago, I’d say it’s pretty safe to assume you’ve already been shut down by him. So the best thing to do now is keep your dignity and MOA. Don’t email him, don’t text him, don’t find him on Facebook and post pretty pictures of yourself on his wall. Just shut it down and MOA.
And then consider this: you are a relationship kind of woman. That you don’t even know this guy at all and you think you’d make a “really good couple” is indication that your light is on. Regardless of how time-consuming and high-pressure your career is, you want to invest in someone who digs you and has your back. You want to build something with someone. You want to MEAN something to someone and feel needed and loved. So, stop selling yourself short. Quit settling for the cheap seats. Quit gorging on junk food. Save yourself for the real deal. It’s out there. It just may take a little more work to find that pulling up to the nearest Mickey D’s.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org and be sure to follow me on Twitter.