We spent New Year’s and Valentine’s Day together, and then she, in a very indirect way, asked me to keep “my magic” for her only and to not share it with other girls. (She always said I made her feel “magical” due to awesome sex and chemistry). Not exactly a traditional way to ask someone to be exclusive, but it counts, right?
We kept dating, seeing each other once or twice a week. Throughout the year and eight months, I have always behaved with patience, strength, and love; I never forced a relationship (or even brought up the topic), but I kept planning dates and let her come to me. Then one day I finally asked how she felt about cheating on her ex, and she said that she had not been in a good place at the time, that she felt an instant connection with me, and that she couldn’t help but follow that. She said she had never done that before. I do believe cheaters can learn and stop and change. Just because someone cheated once doesn’t mean she’s always going to be a cheater, right??
Well, lately, she has grown more stressed and beaten down emotionally with school. Sometimes we have not seen each other for two weeks at a time. And then she just made the decisions to move to another state in a few months for med school and to break up with me. I told her not to worry about the relationship and that we could keep this going and have fun. She declined that. She said she barely has time to do her school work, let alone dedicate a few hours to me every Saturday evening. She said I DESERVE better.
Anyway, here are some questions I’m hoping you can answer:
1. Can cheaters change? In my situation, my girlfriend was deeply regretful about the cheating and told me openly that she had been wrong but felt very connected to me! She always returned my calls. I was always in the masculine role — courting and planning dates, while she was in the feminine role, following my lead.
2. Can women get so mentally and emotionally drained due to school that it’s hard to be in a relationship, even if it’s dating each other every two weeks?
Your insight is MUCH appreciated. — Saving the Magic For Her
Before I answer your questions about people and women in general, I need to get something out of the way about your girlfriend (well, ex-girlfriend), specifically: She no longer wants your magic. She may not have said it to you in those terms exactly, but she doesn’t need or want you to save your magic for her anymore. You are free to share and give it to whomever you’d like, except for her because she doesn’t want it. How can I be sure? Because I’m a woman and all women totally think alike and so, therefore, I know exactly what she is thinking and feeling since we are both women. JK! Women don’t all think alike. I really can’t be 100% certain of your (ex-)girlfriend’s true feelings, but it certainly sounds like she’s over the magic you’ve been offering her and that you’d be wise to just MOA. She basically gave you the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” speech which, regardless of gender, is code for: “I’m over you.”
Now, onto your specific questions:
1. Of course, people who cheat once can go on to have relationships in which they are faithful. It happens all the time. I’m not sure that a girlfriend always returning your calls is necessarily indicative of faithfulness though, and I sure as shit don’t know what you being in a “masculine” role or your (ex)girlfriend being in a “feminine” role has to do with cheating (or anything else, for that matter). You do know that this is 2015, right? Get this: Women are actually just as engaged in the courting process as men are!! I know! Crazy, right? Sometimes women even plan the dates! And a lot of times, there’s no “lead” to follow because both partners are EQUALS! And, again, this has nothing to do with cheating or not cheating or measuring someone’s faithfulness or commitment or any of that. Being equally invested in a relationship is simply a sign of . . . being equally invested and interested. Isn’t that cool?
2. And, yes, women CAN get mentally and emotionally drained! Wild, right? It usually happens when they, get this, are mentally and emotionally invested is something — like school, career, family, friends, relationships, EVEN SPORTS!! Now, can women get so emotionally and mentally drained that they can’t be in a relationship? Well, yes. But that really only happens when the relationship isn’t valuable enough to them to invest any of the precious bit of mental and emotional energy in their reserves after investing in the other important things in their lives. They weigh their investment vs. their return on their investment and decide whether the relationship is worth it and, if it’s not, they give some kind of speech about how the other person deserves more and they just don’t have time or energy for a relationship and “it’s not you, it’s me.” Sound familiar?
tl;dr: She’s not into you enough to date you anymore. MOA.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.