Columns

In the beginning of our friendship, Seamus and I started having brunches and games nights with Tim and his then-girlfriend, and Tim and I hit it off right away. The first time Tim and I hung out on our own, we talked for hours, wandered around our city, perused comic books and ate fancy grilled cheese. We became fast friends and I had a fleeting thought that he was perfect for me, but I knew he had a girlfriend. Shortly after Seamus and I started sleeping together, Tim and his girlfriend broke up.

Since then, Seamus and I stopped seeing each/sleeping together/whatever we were doing. My feelings changed, or his did, or maybe they both did. I wanted more, he started pushing me away, and, in the distance, I realized how poorly-matched we really are. We remain friends; we both love our community and have fun hanging out within it, with the occasional coffee here and there.

About two months ago, Tim started dating someone new. It was fast and intense, and Seamus and I watched with our eyebrows just a little raised. Tim says he fell for her right away, but he has explained to me that he feels a little stuck. He doesn’t know what to do now, he says. It all happened so fast, and now he doesn’t know where to go from here. It has been clear from the very beginning that Tim has had feelings for me. Before Seamus and I ever became a thing, Seamus told me that, if it ever became relevant, he would be uncomfortable with Tim and me dating. I know he has told Tim the same thing. I also know that this still holds true. However, it has now become an obstacle.

Since I am no longer with Seamus, Tim has become more vocal about his feelings for me, feelings he apparently still has. We have always had a little bit of a flirty banter going on but, at least on my end, it has never had true sincerity behind it. Now, though, I think back to how he’s always treated me. I think back to that first time we hung out, which, in hindsight, looks like a date. I think about how much I’ve grown to care about this man and I realize I care about him more than the friend I’ve always called him.

This is not simple. I know Tim cares about his girlfriend, and I know he is happy with her, although he has told me that he knows he could be happier. I know that, against all logic, Seamus still feels possessive of me. I know this has “drama” written all over it. But I can’t let it go. I know you’re going to say I should. I know I should. It’s not like I’m going to put my romantic life on hold for a man who is currently unavailable, and nothing has or will happen between us so long as he remains unavailable. But, if he became single and Seamus got over himself, I don’t see what else would hold us back.

My concern is one individual in particular. He’s a roommate of two of the people I want to invite, a work colleague of another, and probably most importantly my best friend’s boyfriend. I simply don’t like him how he and my friend alienate themselves as a couple and avoid any sort of social interaction (which, as she’s my best friend bailing out on events, has become stressful). He’s never wronged me so I don’t have a legit reason to distrust him, but after almost six months of him dating my best friend, I don’t even know the guy and have no interest in starting now. I don’t like that I never see her without him in toe…aka I never see her, it feels like.

I’ve heard everything from “It’s your home, your party, you have the right to invite who you wish” to “Not inviting him is a big mistake and you’re just going to make your strained friendship worse,” but at the end of the day I really can not stand the thought of them making out on my couch or blowing off the event just to do “whatever.” Hell, even the idea of him simply knowing where I live I don’t find appealing.

I’ve told all this to my fiancé several times and mentioned that maybe I’ll hyphenate or have two last names (“Molly Marie Fitzwilliam-Smith” or “Molly Marie Fitzwilliam Smith”). At first, he kept saying it was a bad idea, because our names together sound scarily close to “Frankenstein.” But after we talked about it more, it became obvious that he was upset that I don’t want to change my last name to his. He doesn’t mind if I keep my last name as a middle name, but he really wants me to be Mrs. Smith, NOT Mrs. Fitzwilliam-Smith or Mrs. Fitzwilliam Smith. He said if I don’t change my name, it seems like less of a commitment – like it’ll be easier to back out of our marriage, which is not how I think about it at all! He even went as far as to say that it seems disrespectful if I don’t change my name because I’m not considering his feelings.

Changing my name is not a nice little favor I can do to make him feel better, like making him cookies or giving him a back rub. And whether or not I change my name, I’m the one who has to live it. Other than a few occasions here or there, it won’t really affect him much. On top of that, it makes me kind of angry that if I add his last name, it’s still is not enough for him – he actually wants me to drop my last name.