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“My Boyfriend Thinks I’m a Bad Mom”

I have been in my relationship for five years. I have two children from a previous relationship. My children love “Ben” and I do, too, but we fight all the time. When I tell him I want to leave, he starts making a big scene in public and telling my children that I do not love him and that I am a bad mother. I did leave him a few months ago, but he promised to change and, me being stupid, I said I would go back. We have been doing pretty well until today.

I have been seeing my daughter’s school therapist off and on whenever she can fit me in. Today she joked about how he should take me on a date, so I told Ben. He didn’t respond. Later on we had a ball game to go to and I had asked him if he could get me a water. He didn’t respond. I asked if he had heard me and he still didn’t respond, so I let it go (he had the money on him and I had left my wallet at the house). About an hour later I told him I was going to go to the house to get a drink and he got mad. I told him I had asked him twice and he didn’t respond. He got up and walked away from the game. My child ended up hitting a home run, so I texted him and told him he missed an awesome hit. He sent a message back saying, “No, I didnt,” so I left it alone. On the drive home my boss texted me, so when I came to the stop sign I texted her back. Then took off. As I was driving, Ben opened the door and started to step out (I was going about 15 miles an hour). I asked him what the hell is wrong with him. He said he isn’t going to be in the car with me if I’m texting. But I didn’t do it while I was driving. I was stopped.

Anyway, he started trying to argue with me about how I’m always mad (even though I’m not) and how I don’t discipline the kids enough and everything else you can think of. I pulled up to the store and told the kids I would buy them an ice cream since they had been so good. He said I was spoiling them, and he got out of the car and took off walking. When we both finally got home, it was WW3. He began yelling at me extremely loudly saying I need to go to my other boyfriend and that maybe he could take me on all the dates I need to go on. He told me that I am crazy and I need to be on meds and that he will tell everyone I am on drugs even though I would never do them because I don’t like drugs at all and I lost a sister to them two years ago.

I am an emotional wreck right now. He told me to leave, but if I start to pack then he is going to go crazy and I just don’t know what to do at this point. I do not believe he can change. I do not want to keep going through this. It is making me sick. Please give me some advice on how to move past this pain and get on with my life. — Emotional Wreck

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by Wendy on May 10, 2012 · in Columns

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“My Ex Booty Call Just Friended Me on Facebook”

I’m a 20-year-old college sophomore on the West Coast. In September I met a guy online and we really hit it off. Soon after we decided to meet. It didn’t take long to realize that with the distance and our conflicting schedules a good relationship was not feasible. We never really discussed it though and we ended up hooking up in the back of his car every so often when he was free or he’d come to my dorm for a few hours when my roommates were away for the night. After a little while, I told him I felt used and shortly after I told him we should probably call it quits. He agreed and that was it … or so I thought.

A couple weeks later I searched his username online and I found a blog of his that described his sexual experiences. He wrote about four girls he’d been with, including me. He wrote some pretty harsh stuff about me. He talked about how he’d “always wanted to have sex with a black girl because of some derivative from his slave-owning ancestors” and how he wanted to pretend I was “an African temptress he wanted to tame” (and, yes, he is white). He said that after a while the cost of gas (mind you he only lives 20 mins away) made “the interaction lose its appeal and that it was trashy and cliche.”

Initially, I was very upset about what he wrote because, although our “relationship” was primarily based on sex, I thought we had reached a sort of mutual respect and that we kinda connected on a deeper level. The whole car thing was his idea in the first place, so it was not my fault it was trashy. I told him I had found his blog hoping he’d feel bad about what he wrote. He didn’t respond, but a few days later he deleted the entire thing.

I felt a little bad about embarrassing him like that because he clearly did not intend for someone he knew to actually read that, but in the end I decided it wasn’t that big of a deal because we were probably never going to see each other again or talk to each other, so why not let it go?

So there I was moving on with my life and studying for finals when suddenly he friend requests me on Facebook! It looks like he just created his Facebook page a couple weeks ago. I’m so confused as to why he’d friend me. I don’t even know how he knew my last name! I accepted the request, but he hasn’t said anything to me yet. I don’t understand what he could possibly be thinking. I’m going back home for the summer and then I’ll be studying abroad in Spain for the fall, and he knows this. What could he possibly want from me now?

I’m wondering if I should just message him and ask him what’s up, but then again shouldn’t he be doing that since he sent me the request? Am I making too big a deal of this or does something seem fishy? — Not His African Temptress

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by Wendy on May 9, 2012 · in Columns

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“My Mentally Challenged Brother Wants a Girlfriend”

I’m writing regarding my 21-year-old brother, “Jason.”

Jason is a big-hearted person. He is creative, has a decent sense of humor, has good taste in music, and loves to cook. He’s also mildly mentally challenged. He is generally independent, though. He can manage his own money wisely, care for himself, cook his own meals, and care for our younger brother and their cats when needed. In fact, save for the fact that when he talks he has trouble getting his words out, most people can’t even tell that he’s any different. That, of course, isn’t why I’m writing. I’m writing because he wants a girlfriend. Bad.

He was seeing a girl a few years ago. I lived out of state at the time, so I never met her, but I heard from family members who did know her that she was slightly more — I’m not sure how to phrase this — severe in her disability. I don’t know if it was her or — more likely — her family who nipped it quickly, but he was banned from seeing her again. He was very broken up about it.

He is online a lot and he discovered a site called Omegle. If you’re unaware of Omegle, it is a one-on-one chat site where it is literally you and a “stranger.” He frequented the site a lot until I caught him passing out his phone number. I should note that, sadly, my parents were never the most attentive and didn’t ever give him — or me for that matter — many of the general safety talks that most parents have when it comes to the internet. So I explained to him in depth the dangers of looking to Omegle for a girlfriend.

There’s another social site that he frequents often. I’m on the site as well. The other night I caught him once again trolling random girls to ask out. Girls he knows literally nothing about.

I’m at a loss really. This isn’t something I can go to my parents about. They shame him for having screen savers of scantily clad comic book characters or even having an interest in women. I do my best to explain things and he gets it, but he’s just so very desperate, which scares me more. I’ve got a close friend who is rather desperate and I see the scum bags she winds up with. (No, setting them up together is absolutely not an option, by the way.).

Should I help him sign up for a proper online dating site? He goes out on his own weekly and meets up with an anime club and plays strategic card games with some people. I have suggested that he starts getting to know a few of the girls there in a non-aggressive and non-creepy way. Is there anything else that can be advised? — Worried Sister>

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by Wendy on May 8, 2012 · in Columns,Your Turn

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“I Refuse to Go To My Boyfriend’s Daughter’s Wedding”

I am 41 years old, never married, and have been in a long distance relationship with a widower for four years. His wife died ten years ago. We are a thousand miles apart. I love him but we are still not in a committed relationship because we have not spoken about our future or where we are headed. He did not give me any assurance either that it is going to be “us” in the future. A few weeks ago, he told me that his eldest daughter, whom I met a couple of times, is getting married in four months and I’m invited to the wedding.

When I told him I could not come, that answer did not sit well with him. He wants me to attend the wedding because he said it’s a milestone for him. I told him that I am happy for him, but I can’t come because I’m not secure in our relationship. I’m just his girlfriend in a non-committal relationship, so what right do I have to attend his daughter’s wedding? (I am having some insecurities). I also told him that since we are not in a committed relationship, I don’t want his relatives and in-laws to meet me only to find out that my boyfriend and I don’t end up together. Also, I am worried that, if I attend, I will feel the insecurities that this boyfriend of mine does not love me enough to ask me to marry him even after four years together. His daughter and her fiancé are just in their third year together and now they are getting married in four months.

I really don’t have the self-confidence to attend this wedding because I am not secure in my status as his girlfriend. Please advise. — Four Years and Still Waiting

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by Wendy on May 8, 2012 · in Columns

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“I Cheated on My Internet Boyfriend”

I’m in a long distance relationship with a guy I met online. We haven’t met in person yet, but we’ve been planning to this summer. We’ve been “dating” for five months, and we really care about each other, but he doesn’t trust me at all, and he tries to control who I talk to. I really care about him so I try to respect his wishes, but lately, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with personal problems at home, and having to deal with the fact that I stopped talking to most of my friends for him. Despite this, never once while I was thinking clearly (and soberly) did I contemplate cheating. However, a few nights ago, I went to this party at my sister’s place, and her boyfriend’s best friend was there, and we both ended up getting really drunk and having sex. I regret it and feel completely guilty but I don’t know what to do because I know that my boyfriend will break up with me if I tell him, and for the last two or so months, all we have talked about is meeting and being together, and I really want that. What do I do? — Scared to Lose My Internet Boyfriend

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by Wendy on May 7, 2012 · in Columns

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