In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
I had an affair with a married woman, “Kelly,” whom I dated back in high school. She left her husband — who now has a new girlfriend — and we have been dating seriously for over two years. Kids are involved on all sides but everyone pretty much knows everything minus details.
I am writing because sometimes, but not often, when there is a function for the kids and Kelly knows their dad will be there she asks me to stay away. She is cordial with him if she sees him but nothing more. Well, another dinner is coming up for her godson and while the ex is not invited her godson’s family is, including his uncle who happens to still be very close to Kelly’s ex. Her godson’s mother, “Mary,” and I are very close also and the godson even calls me uncle. Mary is also getting married this year and asked me to be in the wedding and asked Kelly to be her Maid of Honor. In spite of this Kelly has asked me not to attend the dinner because of her godson’s uncle and what he might say or do to stir things up. (I have never met this man before, although I have met many other family members including another brother of Mary’s, all of whom have been very nice to me). Kelly is particularly worried about him saying things in front of her own kids. I told her that I am not here to make waves but I am also not here to hide, especially from a friend of the ex. I told her that I did not believe it was fair of her to ask me, especially since his own mother wants me there. Instead of getting in a big fight about it, I told her I would just stay away, but now I am accused of having an attitude about it all. So not only do I have to be uninvited because she is worried, it’s my fault for being bothered by it.
Should I just keep quiet and stay away and chalk it up to “this is what I get” because of the way we started our relationship, or is she wrong for asking me to stay away? I feel hindered about moving forward as I feel she is not sticking by me enough. — Staying away in LA
by Wendy on February 21, 2012
· in Columns,Your Turn
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In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
For the past year I have been in a great relationship, I never thought I would find someone whom I would mesh with so well. However, there is a big elephant in the room that I don’t know how to deal with. About two months ago, I told my boyfriend I loved him (I don’t have the best mental filter and I kind of blurted it out in the middle of an unrelated conversation). He didn’t respond at all — just returned to what we’d be talking about even though I am sure he heard me. Ever since, I’ve acted like I didn’t say it, and he’s acted like he didn’t hear it.I haven’t repeated the sentiment even though I am sure of how I feel. But I’m scared to say it again because his lack of response hurt … a lot. It felt like I dove into an empty pool and hit the concrete. So I would like to avoid that. I think part of why it hurt me so much was that I was pretty sure he would say it back. He’s affectionate, thoughtful and in the last two months had said things like how lucky he feels to be dating me, and how great this past year has been. Is it wrong for me to want to hear the L word? Or at least have a conversation about if he is going to ever have those type of feelings for me? — L Bomb Explosion
by Wendy on February 20, 2012
· in Columns,Your Turn
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In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two and a half years now and we’re currently in an LDR (with possible plans to move to the same city in about a year, after college). Generally, everything is great, except that I’m jealous of his relationship with his female best friend. I’ve met her a few times before they started getting closer and she seems nice, if a little distant (maybe shy?) around me. But they’ve been getting closer recently, planning church events together and going to the same school and having the same group of friends.
This would all be fine except for certain things. First, she’s gotten him, in my opinion, inappropriate Christmas/birthday gifts. Things like a really expensive pair of gloves or an expensive backpack. It seems like too much money to spend on just a friend. Second, they hang out a lot alone, and while I don’t think he’s cheating on me with her, I think it’s disconcerting that they’re getting so close. Third, she lives near him and it would be much easier for him to date her as opposed to someone who isn’t 4 hours away (i.e. me). Fourth, he’s admitted to me (while we were drinking, but by no means drunk) that if we broke up, she would be his “second choice.” I was really upset with that and he said that he only said that because he doesn’t think he could date someone he wasn’t friends with first.
That last point really pained me and now whenever they’re together, I get anxious and upset. My boyfriend says that I’m being silly and I basically need to get over it. Am I being crazy?? Or justified? And if I’m crazy, how can I fix how I’m feeling towards this girl?? I don’t want to upset him, but I also don’t want to sit here and sulk about it. Help! — First Choice but Still Anxious
by Wendy on February 15, 2012
· in Columns,Your Turn
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I am the best man at my brother’s wedding. He is getting married at a small venue. I was told that the ceremony would be immediate family only but the reception afterwards would be at a bigger venue with family and friends. Here’s the problem: when he said “immediate family only,” he meant only me, my sisters, and our Mom and Dad. My wife is totally upset that she is not invited as are my teenage kids who are very close to him. The ceremony is at a house which is small but is this OK? I mean, shouldn’t he change the venue to a place that can at least allow us to bring our spouses? If I am wrong, so be it, but my wife doesn’t even want to go through buying a dresses and paying for travel expenses as she feels totally disrespected. What should I do? — Best Man in the Middle
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by Wendy on February 7, 2012
· in Columns,Your Turn
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In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
My boyfriend is trying to work through his addiction to pornography. For about a month now, he has regularly attended “the 12-steps” group meetings and is even exploring Buddhism to help deal with it all.
And yesterday, he admitted to me he has masturbated to my friend’s facebook pictures. Not once, but two or three times. The same friend. I am hurt more by this than by him jerking off to porn. His sexual fantasies are being fulfilled by someone I know personally — someone who is a real person in our lives. I am really hurt because I feel he cheated on me. And on top of that I feel stupid for believing that modesty and class is valued by men like him. I don’t have a bunch of pictures in bikinis and skimpy clothing on my Facebook. And I feel stupid for believing him when he tells me that I look great, even when I feel I need to lose some weight. When all that really tickles his fancy are skinny girls in skimpy clothing.
I know he is working out his problems, but I fear that eventually, though he’ll make peace with himself, I won’t make peace with him or this feeling. — Not a Skinny Facebook Girl
by Wendy on February 6, 2012
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