Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Comments of the Week

This site wouldn’t be what it is without the active participation of all of you. Your insightful, funny, smart comments add different perspectives and valuable advice that I’m sure goes a long way in helping others sort through the issues in their own relationships. By Friday morning (as I’m writing this), there are well over 1,000 comments for the week! After the jump, some of the more memorable of those comments (maybe you’ll even see your own!).


Amber in His Take: “Should I Withhold Sex Until our Relationship is Official?”: “If you are withholding sex because you do not feel that it is right to have sex unless you are in a committed relationship, then that’s what you should do. If you are withholding sex to manipulate him into having a relationship with you, that is bad and will not lead to a satisfying relationship.”

WatersEdge in His Take: “Should I Withhold Sex Until our Relationship is Official?”: “To answer your theoretical question about withholding sex to get exclusivity, yes, this will work. HEAR ME OUT READERS! If he likes you and wants to see where this is going, then he will agree to be exclusive. If he sure he doesn’t want to be exclusive, then he will tell you so and you’ll have your answer. True, he may lie to you, but then he was going to lie to you and use you anyway and giving him sex sooner than you otherwise would by not requesting exclusivity will not change his poor character.

I think your question is really, “Will withholding sex make a man who is unsure about me commit?” This is the real wild card. Probably, but do you really want that, others will say? Maybe you do, and I honestly think that’s ok. If he has to stop seeing other people to sleep with you and figure out if he likes you enough to continue seeing you long-term, that is NOT A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH. HE WILL SURVIVE THE ORDEAL. You two can stop seeing each other when things fizzle out.”

MissDre in “I Don’t Want to End up a Crazy Cat Lady” : “The biggest thing that helped me boost my confidence was taking a vow of celibacy. Not because there is anything wrong with sex, but because I know myself, and I know that I get attached WAY to quickly as soon as sex enters the picture. Staying celibate while I was dating made me feel really empowered. No, not because I was using sex as a tool to manipulate anyone, but because it made me feel in control of my myself and my own emotions. I also felt that if a guy was still around on the 10th date, even though we hadn’t been intimate, then he was truly interested in ME and not just getting laid.”

spaceboy761 in “I Don’t Want to End up a Crazy Cat Lady” :”[If you nervous on dates,] find the flaw in your batting stance. Find some aspect of your body language to alter or some topic of conversation avoid… any practical thing that you know is hurting your dating success and focus on improving it. It sounds gimmicky and mechanical, but it can really make a huge difference in first impression situations. My problem? I talk fast. My natural cadence of speech is so fast that it devolves into a stutter if I keep it unchecked. On a date (or any other social situation for that matter), I forcibly slow down my speech to the point where I feel like I’m speaking underwater. The crazy part is that ever since I figured this trick out, I get constant compliments on how well-spoken I am which led debate trophies, job opportunities, probably a ton of other things I don’t even realize. You are smart enough to overcome this and turn it into a strength.”

cmarie in “I’m Afraid My Boyfriend’s Going to Propose Soon” : “Every time this argument comes up I take a real issue with the definition of marriage as being more meaningful, more committed than a committed relationship. Probably because the only way I will ever get married is if I move to Boston. Everybody has their own individual feeling regarding marriage but when you make a broad, generalizing statement about how marriage is the ultimate committment you demean all the other relationships out there, you demean MY relationship. I am as committed to my relationship as anybody who is married it. However, I can’t get married. I support gay marriage, not because I feel I need it to validate my relationship, but because I believe in equality for everyone. I understand that others may disagree with my view on marriage, but it’s insulting to say that your married relationship means more than my unmarried one.”

Mainer in “I’m Afraid My Boyfriend’s Going to Propose Soon”: “2/3/45 is a Friday, go for that. That should give her some time.”

Chicka Bow Bow in “I’m Afraid My Boyfriend’s Going to Propose Soon” : “Just a thought: Those studies that say that couples who live together are more likely to get divorced cannot say WHY that is true. Here is one very likely possibility: Most modern-day couples do prefer to live together before getting married. Typically, the only exceptions are very religious people and people who are very traditional and conservative in their way of life/relationships. Could it be that people who are so traditional and/or religious that they would never co-habitate before marriage are less likely to view divorce as an option if the relationship goes south? Divorce is considered sinful and unacceptable to most people of the more religiously conservative persuasion, and so they probably wouldn’t divorce due to these beliefs and values. Their relationship could be as miserable as a co-habitated couple who is divorcing, but they might stay for that reason alone. Until death do they part.”

silver_dragon_girl in “My Boyfriend is a Conspiracy Theorist” : “Ok, Wendy, I adore you but I feel like you were a little quick to jump on the “conspiracy theory = mental illness” bandwagon here.

Just because he believes ridiculous things that aren’t true doesn’t mean he’s mentally ill. By that definition I would classify most of the super-religious people I know as mentally ill. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t sit up and pay attention for any warning signs of mental illness. Since you’re both in college, I think it’s far more likely this is just a phase he’s going through, but there are other things you can look for, too. You should be more concerned if:
-He starts to withdraw from his normal hobbies/friends/routines
-He gets unusually angry if you disagree with his theories
-He expresses approval or admiration for anti-government/authority violence

I say this as someone whose boyfriend asked her, three months in, if I would be OK with it if he built a fortified bunker room in our hypothetical basement one day. I think it’s ridiculous and unnecessary, but if he wants to do it, fine.

There real line is, is this interfering with your life in any way? If it gets to the point where you’re embarrassed to take him out in public with you, you might consider an MOA situation. But an interest in conspiracy theories, by itself, isn’t too much cause for concern.”

MissDre in “My Boyfriend is a Conspiracy Theorist” : “OH MAN! I just had a conference call with my entire team and a software publisher to discuss an important proposal. I had to do the remote desktop connection thing to bring up the proposal and the FIRST THING everybody saw on my screen when I logged in was Dear Wendy: ‘My Boyfriend is a Conspiracy Theorist’.”

11 comments… add one
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    MissDre May 20, 2011, 2:12 pm

    Oh wow I’m on here twice! What a lovely surprise! Thanks Wendy and everyone 🙂

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      TheOtherMe May 20, 2011, 2:16 pm

      That’s cuz you Rock MissDre !

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        MissDre May 20, 2011, 2:30 pm

        Thanks 🙂 Tee-hee!

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    silver_dragon_girl May 20, 2011, 2:27 pm

    !!!!
    This made my day. Thanks Wendy 🙂

    Also, WatersEdge’s “that is NOT A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH. HE WILL SURVIVE THE ORDEAL” made me LOL the first time I read it!

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      WatersEdge May 20, 2011, 10:57 pm

      thanks! I appreciated your comment, too 🙂

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    Liz May 20, 2011, 2:31 pm

    @Chicka Bow Bow: Actually, weirdly enough, Christians have the HIGHEST divorce rate of any religion. Athiests have the lowest. My guess is that this is because a lot of staunch Christans feel that they have to remain celibate until marriage, which causes them to get married earlier… sometimes to the wrong person. Additionally, most people think that people who cohabitate before marriage get divorced most often because it is literally too difficult to break up, what with combined bank accounts, assets, pets, etc. so they end up getting married to that person just out of convenience. This almost happened to several people I know. Yikes!

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      MissDre May 20, 2011, 2:44 pm

      Yes, those are the reasons I read. Too many people get married because they think it will make things better, rather than just break up.

      Anyway, this was a big debate yesterday. Don’t want to start that again. I think we should just say, to each their own.

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        Jenny May 20, 2011, 3:36 pm

        Also, researchers have posited why couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce — because when you live together, you have shared assets, and it’s harder to break up. Many in this situation get married because it is the “next step”, not because they really wanted to. So living together before marriage in and of itself will not cause divorce, but getting married before you’re ready will most likely end in a divorce.

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    SGMcG May 20, 2011, 2:56 pm

    There were a lot of fabulous comments this week too. These were definitely among the best though! There were awesome converstation starters within the comments too.

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    Amber May 20, 2011, 3:53 pm

    WAHOO!!!

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    cmarie May 20, 2011, 4:06 pm

    Thanks for fixing my typos, Wendy!

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