For the past couple of months, I have been flirting with a co-worker who was very shy at first, but took an interest in my hobbies, complimented me every day, gave me pet names, and generally seemed very interested. After a month and a half, he finally asked me for my number and I kind of “helped him along” by asking when he could hang out. I was so excited about our date, but he canceled last minute for a legitimate reason and asked if we could reschedule. Even though he stopped by my office to flirt and chat the next week, he never rescheduled but asked what I was doing that weekend and seemed upset and walked away when I said that I was spending time with a male friend. When I told him my friend was gay, he perked up and kept the conversation going, and I told him to call me if he wanted to hang out and he said he would.
Well, he never called or texted to say that he wouldn’t be available, but first thing Monday morning he asks if I was feeling better (I had been sick the week before), told me I looked nice, and apologized for not calling because he (being the nice guy) ended up helping a friend move. I gave him the cold shoulder. I am so confused about the inconsistency between his flirtatious interest and his non-committal attitude toward getting to know me more that I deleted his number, defriended him on Facebook, and haven’t been speaking to him. He looks very sad when I see him, but I feel like I may have read him wrong this whole time and am afraid that he’s only been nice because he doesn’t know how to say no to me. Did I give up too soon or should I just MOA? — Office Crush(ed)
Yikes, sister. This poor guy sounds shy and inexperienced at best, and at worst, a little like that P-word some people can’t seem to handle me using. And while all that is annoying, I’m not sure it warranted a cold shoulder, the silent treatment, and instant defriending on Facebook. Yes, he should have re-scheduled with you as soon as or shortly after he canceled your date. And, yes, he should have come out and asked for the date in the first place instead of letting you suggest “hanging out.” And, yes, he probably should have called you over the weekend since you asked him to call if he was free. But, in his defense on that one, it would seem he, in fact, wasn’t free and that’s why he didn’t call. It seems a little unfair to be angry at the guy for that, don’t you think?
You asked whether you gave up too soon, but I think the better question for you to ask is: “Did I over-react and am I behaving kind of immature and snotty?” The answer to that, in case you’re wondering, would be: yes, you kind of are. As for your real question, it all depends. If you want a guy who’s got some balls and is willing to take charge, then, no, you didn’t give up too soon as this guy obviously isn’t that man. But if what’s more important to you is to have a kind man who would treat you well and be a good boyfriend, it would seem you were too impatient to find out if this guy would have fit the bill.
If you’re feeling regretful about your actions, an easy way to rectify the situation is to be nice to him again and communicate like a grown-up. Maybe pull him aside some time and tell him your feelings were hurt when it felt like he blew you off, but if you read his signals wrong and he’d like to get together after all, you’d like that, but he needs to figure out when and where and not leave you hanging this time. His reply should give you a definitive answer to whether you moved on too quickly or not…
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.