Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Shortcuts: “Did I Ruin My Chances Having Sex With Him Too Soon?”

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

I met a guy a few months ago out at a bar. We exchanged numbers and talked every once in a while. He lived about an hour away from me and we never really followed through with plans until my friend and I went one night to the beach town where he lives. We had so much fun and he was REALLY COOL. We went to a holiday party on a boat around the peninsula he lives on. He was really my type, and his friends and family were cool, too. We had A LOT To drink. I NEVER have sex with random guys, or with anyone I don’t know well. I usually wait until we’ve hung out a lot and I feel like they like me for me. Well, we ended up having sex. Now I feel insecure, like he’s going to think I do that all the time when I don’t. It’s been two days since I slept over, and we only texted the next day and that’s it. But before this happened, we had been texting every day for like a week…so I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or what, but I just feel like, any chance there was. I messed it up by sleeping with him and he’s just going to think I’m a drunk slut. Your advice is much appreciated. — Not a Drunk Slut

 
Look, sleeping with someone early on doesn’t ruin your shot if there was never enough actual interest to pursue a relationship in the first place. If anything, sleeping together quickly speeds up what organically would have transpired eventually anyway. If this guy were SUPER interested, he’d probably be in touch with you more than he has been, both after you slept with him and BEFORE you slept with him. After all, it took YOU going to see HIM for anything to happen. Now, it’s his turn to make plans with you, and, if he doesn’t do so within a week, it’s safe to assume he’s just not interested. But not because you’re a “drunk slut.” I mean, you don’t think HE is a drunk slut, do you? And you didn’t do anything he didn’t also do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now and we just started living together. It’s been a rocky relationship, a real roller-coaster ride through the years, but we’ve always managed to make it. Recently, now that we live together, every night becomes a battle between the both of us. He is pretty close with his family (cousins, uncles, aunts, etc.), and every night he wants to leave our place and go hang with them. Whether he hung out with them the night before or not, he always seems to want to put them first. We have opposite work schedules, so I understand when he sees his family when I’m at work and we can’t really hang out, but, when I’m home, he still leaves to go see them. And some nights he’ll stay out till 1 or 2 in the morning with them. It’s getting to the point where I don’t even want to be in a relationship with him anymore. I really need some help with this because I don’t think I can make it really any longer. And before we moved in with each other, he basically lived with the family he is always with. So it constantly upsets me that he can hang out day after day with them, but barely one day with me. — Can’t Take it Anymore

 
MOA! And in the future, don’t move in with someone you have a “rocky, roller-coaster” relationship with, who never spends time with you because he’s always with other people. I don’t know why you expected things to change or get better AFTER you moved in. If things aren’t good BEFORE you start living together, they aren’t going to improve once you share the same address.

My daughter invited me for Christmas, then informed me that my ex-husband would also be in attendance. I said I would suck it up and be there anyway. In the meanwhile, my son, who has lost everything, decided to come visit me. I told my daughter and she said he is not invited for Christmas dinner!!! As a mother, I am so hurt. I had a rough year with breast cancer, and feel my daughter, who is so successful in her life, should consider me and put all aside and invite her brother over. I am willing to be with my ex on Christmas — can’t she at least tolerate her benign brother for a few hours??? — Caught in the Middle

 
Well, apparently not, sadly. Whatever reason she has for being estranged from her brother is obviously still painful enough that she is not willing to invite him into her home, even for your benefit, even for Christmas. For the sake of your relationship with her, you need to accept this decision and either decide to stop by her place for a couple hours without your son, or as graciously as you can, let your daughter know you’ll have to sit this one out since your son will now be visiting and you don’t want to leave him alone on Christmas since he isn’t invited to the family gathering. Unless you also want to be estranged from her, I wouldn’t press this. It’s her right to invite or not invite whom she wants, though I understand why you’re hurt by her decision.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

17 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Eve December 24, 2014, 8:42 am

    LW1: Some of my favourite long-term couples I know have started off their relationships by… having sex before even getting to know each other. I get that you feel embarrassed for what happened because you don’t normally sleep around with random guys, but if things don’t work out it won’t be because of this. My advice is text him every once in a while for a week or so in case HE thinks you aren’t interested or is playing hard to get, if he responds as normal – great; if he doesn’t reply or replies with like 2 words t a time – let it go, but don’t forget it most likely doesn’t have anything to do with you having sex quickly.

    LW2 – nothing more to add to Wendy’s response. Don’t commit to roller-coaster type of relationships thinking they’ll get better on their own (been there, done that) – not to mention him taking you for granted like that.

    LW3 – I guess you have to make some tough decisions now but Wendy is right – now is the worst time to start arguing with you daughter by questioning or critisizing her decisions, she likely won’t change them especially on such short notice. You can find a way to be with both of your kids that evening, just not at the same time and at the same place.. It’s about who you want to be with earlier in the evening and who – later in the evening.

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy December 24, 2014, 10:10 am

    LW1: Please stop buying into the bullshit double standard that it’s okay for men to have sex, but women have to wait or else they’re ‘sluts’. You’re doing yourself and everyone else a disservice. If someone writes you off because you had sex with them ‘too quickly’ they were never worth your time or attention.
    LW2: WWS. What made you think that moving in would improve this situation?
    LW3: You say that your son is benign, but if your daughter refuses to have him over, she probably has her reasons and does not think of him that way. It sucks to have to make this kind of decision, but that’s where you’re at. So maybe just go visit her the day after Christmas for awhile. That way she doesn’t have to see your son, and you don’t have to see your ex.

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  • Lyra

    Lyra December 24, 2014, 11:49 am

    LW2: Ok, so you survived a “roller coaster” relationship so far. One that I assume has not been very healthy. Yeah you may have “worked through” it, but the simple fact that it HAS been a roller coaster relationship isn’t good. Relationships do take work. They do take effort. They can be challenging sometimes. But overall? Overall it should be easy to be with your significant other. You don’t get a medal or anything for making a rocky relationship last for a certain amount of time, and life is too short to spend too much time in a crappy relationship.
    .
    If your reason for moving in was that you thought it would get better, sorry but that’s pretty ignorant. Any couple who is going through a transition like that will have issues just in figuring out how to live with that other person without driving them crazy. And if your reason for not breaking things off with him is that you’ve been with him for a long time…well…that is also ignorant. A crappy relationship is a crappy relationship no matter how long you have sustained said crappy relationship.
    .
    I have a married friend who has been with her husband for 6 years now (I think?), and their marriage/relationship is really bad. Without going into details, they’ve only been married for two years and they have had issues for the entirety of their marriage…so obviously they probably shouldn’t have ever gotten married. But yet any time I talk to her, she uses the “we’ve been together for 6 years” excuse. Due to their longevity as a couple, she has basically turned a blind eye to just how bad it is. Just because you’re with someone for a certain amount of time doesn’t mean that you need to continue that relationship, ESPECIALLY if it’s a crappy relationship.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo December 24, 2014, 12:16 pm

    LW1, isn’t there enough slut-shaming going on in the world without you doing it to yourself? What if we just left ALL the slut-shaming to A Voice For Men (they are really good at it), and the rest of us just dropped that nonsense already. Peace on Earth and Goodwill to Women and also Men.

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    • Stonegypsy

      Stonegypsy December 24, 2014, 12:33 pm

      I’d say we should start slut-shaming ‘A Voice For Men’ so they could know how it feels, but I’m going to go ahead and guess none of them has ever actually had sex.

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      • othy

        othy December 24, 2014, 12:54 pm

        But, see, now you’ve gone and virgin-shamed them (is that a thing?)

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy December 24, 2014, 12:57 pm

        I guess that’s totally a thing, actually. Hm. Well I see nothing wrong with being a virgin. I guess I just really dislike assholes.

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      • Lyra

        Lyra December 24, 2014, 1:20 pm

        Agreed. The prude shaming always rubs me the wrong way. I just want us all to get along! 🙂

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      • Stonegypsy

        Stonegypsy December 24, 2014, 1:24 pm

        See now, I’ve got nothing against prudes! I just want to make the PUA types who can’t get any feel bad about themselves.
        That might make me petty, but I’m willing wo live with that

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  • avatar

    TheGlassGirl December 24, 2014, 1:09 pm

    I think it sends the wrong message to sleep with someone you hardly know, regardless of gender. Unless of course the message you want to send is “I’m just here for the sex”, then cool, whatever floats your boat. But if you actually are more interested in a relationship & not just sex with random people, then I wouldn’t advise anyone to lead with sex. It’s just not a good enough foundation for a relationship. Of course there’s exceptions, but for me the risk would be too great.
    .
    I’d rather make my intentions clear from the beginning. & I actually would look down on a guy that immediately wanted to jump in the sack. I’d probably think he was a womanizer or a player & thinks women are only good for one thing, because he couldn’t possibly know me well enough in such a short time that I would be any different than another random girl he ran into. I was just in the right place at the right time. I’d rather he wanted all of me, not just my body. Just makes more sense to me. I don’t see how gender makes any difference.

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    • avatar

      karenwalker December 24, 2014, 3:56 pm

      I had sex with my boyfriend of 10 months the night of our first date. We met online, so I didn’t know him before either. My best friend is getting married to a guy she had sex with the night of their first date. So, no, sleeping with someone you hardly know doesn’t necessarily send the message “I’m just here for sex.”

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      • avatar

        TheGlassGirl December 24, 2014, 5:07 pm

        Like I said, of course there’s exceptions. I just don’t see it as a reliable method. For me the risk is too great. I want intimacy first, sex is secondary. & I think for people (male & female) looking for a relationship or real intimacy with someone, you’ll have a higher chance of success if you don’t lead with sex. Since I’m not a throw-caution-to-the-wind type of person, I’m all about minimizing failure. I’d rather be on the same page with someone from the beginning. No ambiguity. Besides, sex is just better when you love all of someone, as opposed to it just being another body. That’s just my opinion & what has worked for me.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover December 24, 2014, 6:23 pm

        Waiting to have sex isn’t a reliable method either. It will work out or it won’t, it has nothing to do with the timing of the sex. I’m someone who, when I was single, typically waited to have sex, because that’s what I personally find more comfortable (and it sounds like you’re the same way). But that doesn’t make it more reliable. It just makes it your preference.

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      • avatar

        TheGlassGirl December 24, 2014, 6:42 pm

        I’m not talking about whether the relationship will work or not. There’s no method that can guarantee that. I’m strictly talking about which way is more likely to lead to a relationship, period. Not whether that relationship will last or not. The LW didn’t want to just be a hook up, she wanted some kind of a relationship with the guy. I’m simply saying, while there are exceptions, if you want to maximize your chances of getting what you want (a relationship & not just be a hook up) go for getting to know someone & intimacy first. That way you don’t waste your time on guys that just want a hook up, or leave the impression that’s all you want too.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster December 24, 2014, 1:19 pm

    Well, LW1, this drunk slut right here just got asked out on a second date by someone she was drunk slutting it up with. And my last relationship lasted 2 years after some drunken sluttiness.
    .
    So you can comfort yourself with the fact that If it doesn’t work out with this guy it’s more likely because he doesn’t like your personality!

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  • Stonegypsy

    Stonegypsy December 24, 2014, 3:01 pm

    I’d also like to add that one of my very good friends got really drunk at one of my parties and slept with a guy there who she’d never met before. They’ve been together for a year and a half now and are talking about moving in together.

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  • Astronomer

    Astronomer December 26, 2014, 3:11 am

    Add me to the list of drunk sluts. (Holla!) I met my husband on OkCupid, and our first date was pretty much all drinking and having sex. And we’ve been pretty much inseparable ever since, in the best possible way.

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