I am getting married next May (I cannot wait!!!) and “Carrie,” one of my closest friends is going to be a bridesmaid. She’s very sweet and beautiful and I couldn’t imagine having another friend be a bridesmaid. With that said, she’s dating the lowest piece of man I have ever met. They are constantly making up and breaking up. He’s been arrested numerous times for drugs, as well as for hitting her and other women. He’s currently in a rehab facility where he will be until November.
With Carrie being in the wedding, I know that she will most likely want to bring him along as her date. Am I allowed to tell her that I do not want this delinquent there? Am I obligated to allow her to bring him? I am allowing others to bring husbands, boyfriends, and dates.
Please let me know what to do because I feel like I am in a bind with this and don’t want to be a total bridezilla (which I haven’t been up until this point according to everyone involved in the wedding). — No Delinquents, Please
If this were a guy you merely didn’t like, or even had a strong aversion to, because he’s annoying or he’s cheap or he once told you you remind him of Margaret Thatcher, then I’d say you’d still be obligated to extend a wedding invitation to him, if only by adding “plus one” on Carrie’s invitation and expecting that she’ll choose him as her date. But knowing that this dead-beat has hit Carrie in the past makes him more than just an annoying or ill-mannered man, and that’s where you have a personal dilemma, isn’t it?
By allowing Carrie to invite whomever she wants as her date to your wedding, knowing she’ll probably invite him, are you sending a message that you support his presence in her life? That’s really the most important thing here, I’d say. Surely, you know that you’ll have a wonderful time at your wedding, no matter who may end up there as a date of one of your guests. But giving an implicit message of approval is what I’d be most concerned with in regards to Carrie bringing this loser to your wedding.
So, how can you get around sending that message without denying her the privilege you’re granting all your other guests (that of bringing a date of their choice)? Well, first of all, don’t send out any invitations until you’re much closer to your wedding date. May is 11 months away. Carrie’s boyfriend is in rehab until November. A lot can happen before you walk down the aisle. Maybe, by, say, March of next year when you’re sending out invitations, her loser boyfriend will be ancient history. Let’s hope so! If not, then what you can do just before you send out the invitations is privately explain to Carrie that hers will say “Plus one,” and that you hope in bringing a guest of her choosing, she’ll be able to celebrate and enjoy your wedding day as much as you will. Let her know that while you anticipate she’ll bring her boyfriend, you do not forgive him for how he’s treated her and you continue to hope she’ll make better personal decisions in the future.
Even by saying this, you risk hurting her feelings and pissing her off. But if that risk is worth it to give Carrie the message you want to give her, then go for it. If you’d rather keep things drama-free between the two of you as your continue planning your wedding, then I’d wait until after the honeymoon to tell her how much you detest her boyfriend’s behavior toward her. At the very least, wait about 9 1/2 more months before you send out invitations and hope to God this isn’t something you even have to worry about by then.
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