Last night, our conversation was quite dull so I looked up “21 questions to ask your boyfriend” on the internet. One of the questions was: “Have you ever loved anyone more than me?” He said, “Yes,” and continued with something along the lines of “…but we have potential to grow and become real” (whatever that means).
I was kind of shocked by his response, so I didn’t say anything and continued with the other questions. I don’t know for sure who he is talking about because he didn’t tell me, but I’m almost positive it was this girl he was “in love” with for 10 years before they finally dated. After two months of dating, she broke up with him because she wasn’t ready for a relationship yet though she got a new boyfriend shortly after the break up. This girl also openly had a fling with my boyfriend’s brother about a year ago and ultimately broke his heart.
I am so upset by this.
I was hoping that he was going to propose soon, and I know (or thought) he was “the one.” Now, there is no way I would marry him and I’m not even sure if I want to be in a relationship with him. After two years of a solid, great relationship, shouldn’t he know if I’m the one by now? I have never crossed him, I have supported him, I have helped him get his life in order, and I have given him nothing but love and honesty. How could he love another girl more than me whom he was only with for two months? How could he love another girl more than me who wronged him? Since we have been together for two years and his longest relationship before we got together was nine months (and the girl cheated on him with his friend), shouldn’t it be be a given that he would love me the most because we have been together the longest? I have done nothing wrong to him, and I am the mother of his child!
I don’t know if I’m just acting petty and immature or if this is a legitimate concern. Please help! — Wrong Answer
Yeah, it was a dumb thing for your boyfriend to say, but have you honestly never ever said anything you didn’t mean or later regretted? I mean, sure, maybe your boyfriend meant it — maybe he loved some other woman more than he loves you. Or! Maybe, in that particular moment, he wasn’t feeling the full weight of his love for you, and so, when you asked, he wasn’t inspired to tell you that you’re the love of his life. Maybe, after an evening of “dull conversation,” as you put it — an evening during which you looked on the internet for conversation starters — he just felt kind of “ho-hum” about everything and didn’t put a whole lot of thought into his answer. Maybe, if you asked him again and asked him to really think about it and to be honest and to consider your feelings and the future of your relationship, he might say something totally different.
I don’t think you are petty to be hurt by his response, but I do think it would be incredibly immature to throw away a two-year relationship with the father of your child — to say there is “no way” you’d marry him now — because of some dumb response he made to some dumb question you found on the internet. Of all the reasons to leave someone, that’s a super lame one, sorry.
Here you are comparing yourself and your relationship to every woman he’s been with before you and you don’t even know what he meant when he said he’s loved someone more than you. Maybe he meant his mother or father. Maybe he meant the child you have together! Maybe he was just trying to get under your skin — to wake you up from your dull night together and inspire something in you or something between you that might re-ignite a spark.
Here’s an idea — and I think it’s a good one: talk to him about how you feel. Tell him that your evening of “21 Questions” left you feeling confused and sad. Tell him that you love him and want to spend your life with him and you assumed he felt the same. And then do this: get a babysitter and go out, just the two of you. Life with a new baby is overwhelming. It turns everything upside down for a while. It’s easy to let a relationship take a backseat. But when the relationship stays in the backseat for too long, misunderstandings occur. Distance happens. People start feeling restless and grow apart.
The easiest and fastest way to fight those things is to reconnect. Make your relationship a priority again. So, get a sitter and go out. If you can’t afford one on the regular, ask a friend or family member, or find another couple with a kid you can do a babysitting swap with. Drew and I do a combination of those things — we ask Jackson’s daytime sitter to watch him at night maybe once every month or two, and we have a friend who volunteers to babysit about once a month, and then we do a swap with other couples with kids once every month or two. It’s not always easy and it’s not always free, but it’s necessary. The time we have together, away from the responsibilities and demands and tedium of our home life, helps us reconnect and reminds us that, before we are parents, we are spouses/partners.
You say you and your boyfriend have had two years of a “solid, great relationship.” You also have a five-month-old baby together. These are two good reasons not to walk away too quickly.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.