We decided to meet for lunch, but, before we even did that, we had a long talk on the phone about his having an 12-year-old daughter who is very jealous of other women. I was concerned about this, especially when he said he has to reassure her that he loves her more than any woman and always will. The next day I got a very long text from him saying he thought about us all night and morning. He said he had an ex-girlfriend who called over the weekend, trying to make-up with him, and she wanted to talk and come get the rest of her things. He also said he thought we should wait on us until his daughter is 16 because he realizes now that I deserve and need attention from a man and that he can not give me his full attention right now with his daughter being with him 50% of the time. He said this was very hard for him to do, but he thought it was in my best interest.
I was upset and very confused as to why he quickly came to this decision without even having our first lunch date. I told him I have a career and am very busy too and that I don’t need a man’s attention 24/7. I said I thought our days apart would make us stronger and make us miss each other more. He was very happy to hear that and asked me if I would just give him more time to get himself together and wrap his head around everything. He said he wouldn’t make me wait long and we would talk soon. What do you think? — Wait for Lunch Date?
I think this guy sounds like a hot mess and you’d be wise to consider your blown-off lunch date a bullet dodged. To make you feel better about where things stand with him, let’s go through the list of his questionable behavior, shall we?
1. He picked you up at a funeral.
I mean, sure, funerals can be a good place to re-connect with people, but there should be some sort of rule that you don’t hit on anyone directly related to the deceased — including asking for a date or a phone number — at the actual funeral. That’s what Facebook (or email if you know their address) is for. You wait 24 hours and then send a message saying you’re sorry again for their loss, and despite the sad circumstances it was great seeing them and would they like to get lunch some time?
2. He used his high school yearbook to woo you.
Even if he’d really written in his yearbook 26 years ago that you two had crushes on each other, save that shit for, like, your third date when you’re starting to realize the first sparks of something and the idea that that something was actually planted 2 1/2 decades ago is sorta sweet and not just… desperate.
3. He called you his “fantasy girl,” and said you were the sexiest woman he’s ever met, before you even went on your first date.
Come on, that’s just weird. That’s what dudes at the bar say after they’ve had too much to drink and are saying anything they think might get them laid that night, or at least score them a tiny bit of action so they don’t have to go home to their dark, messy apartments alone where there’s nothing in the fridge but a nearly-empty bottle of mustard and a single Budweiser and their beds haven’t been made in a month. Save the “sexiest woman ever” for when you know her middle name at least.
4. On his list of things to do with you, he listed “pizza.”
Not that there’s anything wrong with pizza! I love pizza. Pizza’s great. I want to eat pizza with everyone I care about, too, but on a short list of things to do with a potential new love interest, there are more imaginative things to say. If, in his biggest fantasies, he’s dreaming about eating pizza with you, it doesn’t bode well for the reality of life with him.
5. He threw is 12-year-old daughter under the bus.
All the other stuff could be overlooked if it weren’t for this transgression. Having a “long talk” with you on the phone — before you’ve actually gone out! — about his daughter’s jealousy of “other women,” is just… God, it’s so weird and inappropriate and just… ugh, no. Even IF his daughter were a real reason he felt like he wasn’t ready/ couldn’t date someone, he could just say, “You know, I was probably premature in asking you out and I’m really sorry about that. I was so excited to see you again after all these years, but the truth is I’m in a place right now where parenthood precludes me from making my love life a priority and I think it would be better if we hold off on that lunch date for now.” Don’t talk about how your daughter is jealous of “other women” and you have to reassure her that you will always love her best. No one needs to hear that shit — especially a woman you haven’t even taken out on a date yet. And frankly, a 12-year-old doesn’t need to hear from her dad that he’ll always love her “best,” as if there’s a competition between her and everyone else. He should be telling her that women he might date could never compete with her because the love a father has for his daughter is special and much different than the love he might feel for a romantic partner (or anyone else, for that matter), and no one could ever, ever change or affect that.
6. He said his ex-girlfriend is trying to make up with him and that she’s coming over to “get the rest of her things.”
Why is he telling you that? Why on earth do you, someone he’s just re-connected with after 26 years, need to know that? You don’t. And the fact that he told you is just code for: “I’m lazy and it’s probably easier to let my ex fight for me than to try to make things work with you.”
7. He said he needs time to “get himself together and wrap his head around everything.”
Wrap his head around what? What is he even talking about? At best, this guy is a big ol’ drama queen, and, at worst, he’s a creep. Either way, bullet dodged, girl, because, when someone tells you he needs to “get himself together” before he’s ready to date you, believe him and say thank you. It was probably the most honest thing he’s said in ages.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.