Are you looking for an “interesting” way to make a little extra cash? Perhaps this gig’s for you:

Hey guys! My name’s Aaron, and I’m dating an awesome girl.

I’m a consultant who works in Jersey, and she runs a PR company out of Brooklyn. We came out strong with some amazing dates and set the bar pretty high, but we are both extremely busy, and can’t keep up with our dates.

I am looking for a virtual assistant who can manage my dating schedule, write messages, plan dates, send reminders, etc. Other odd jobs may be considered depending on your available and my need.
She’s seeking an assistant as well, you will be working closely together.

Preferably the person would have a great sense of humor, be super creative, and be able to coordinate through multiple outlets (telephone, e-mail, text, twitter, tumblr, (NOT FACEBOOK), maybe gchat or skype.

The job was posted on Craigslist two weeks ago, but something tells me it might still be open…

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It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss when it’s way, way, way time to MOA, and letting a friend know you don’t share the same fantasy.

Oh, honey, have some self-respect and move on. This guy says he doesn’t love you, he’s cheated on you, he loves another woman, AND he’s unattractive to boot? Can’t you hear the chorus of “MOA”s??

 
See advice above!

 
How about the next time she suggests you move to “G-town,” you say, “Gosh, it really would be so fun to live in the same town as you again, but G-town just isn’t calling my name, no matter how tempting it is to be close to you. But I can’t wait for you to come visit me wherever I end up. We can do girls weekends and it will be just like old times!”

(It’s been a slow week for letters, so I dug into my in-box for these three. I’d already answered the LWs privately, and I don’t believe I ever published any of these, but my apologies in advance if I’m wrong about that.)

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter and ‘like’ me on Facebook.

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It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Picture Perfect” who wanted to know what guys thinks of boudoir photos. “if they were in a long term relationship with a woman, would they like to be surprised by a spread of professional, tasteful boudoir and/or nude photos of their lady?” Keep reading to see whether she decided to have photos taken of herself and what her boyfriend thinks.

Thanks for the update, and have fun!

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

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After a rather lengthy hiatus spent napping, dreaming of chicken parm subs, and chasing Simone, Miles returns to DW today to tackle some of the letters that have been filling his in-box:

 
Wendy and The Man pretend they don’t hear me. It’s 5:30 am and daylight has broken through the blinds. I am so hungry. I meow over and over with all the power I can summon. I know they can hear me.

Maybe today I will see the squirrel again. There is so much I want to say to her. I want to tell her my dreams of one day becoming an airline pilot. Wendy says I would look very handsome in a pilot’s hat.

Sometimes I hide behind the blue chair and no one can see me.

I am so hungry.

 
Yesterday Wendy ate a small can of tuna mixed with some Trader Joe’s Reduced Guilt Mac-n-Cheese and it smelled so good, but she didn’t give me a taste. Not even a little one. I sat right next to her while she ate and kept whining and looking at her with the saddest eyes I could muster and nothing. She didn’t even acknowledge me. I blame the baby.

 
Sometimes Wendy and The Man let me sit on the balcony as long as I wear a leash. On Saturday I got to sit outside until it got dark, listening to all the neighbors having BBQs and parties in their back yards. The people who live next to us had a bonfire and roasted marshmallows. Wendy says it’s cause they’re from Denmark.

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In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

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Last week I wrote an essay about the effect having a baby has had on my friendships. This week, guest columnist, Sara, writes from the other perspective — that of the childless friend/ family member — about the way babies have changed her friendships.

Some very important babies have entered my life in the last six months: my sister-in-law had a son; my sister had identical twin daughters; and my best friend had a son. I am a researcher, and I prepared for changes in my relationships with these women the only way I know how: with a literature review. Most of the information I found was written by new moms, and most of the literature focused on how new mothers’ friends just don’t understand the awesome responsibility (and time-suck) it is to be a parent. Fair enough. As a childless woman, I don’t understand what it means to be a mom. I wonder, though, do my friends with newborns know what it’s like to be “the childless friend”? I’d like to share what that experience has been like and how new moms can make it easier — and enjoyable — for their childless friends to stay connected to them.

My relationship with my sister-in-law has actually not changed much. In addition to them enjoying the luxury of abnormally long maternity and paternity leaves, they have made a huge effort to maintain their lifestyle. For example, they take their son to (smoke-free!) establishments for happy hour meet-ups with friends and family, and they even took their two-month old on a multi-day road trip to visit out-of-state loved ones. When we get together, we talk about the baby and how the transition has been for them as new parents, but we also talk about work and upcoming trips. It’s important to keep conversation moving and not completely stuck on baby and parenting updates.

My relationship with my sister has improved as a result of her becoming a mother. She’s younger than I am, both literally and figuratively. Since she has become the primary caregiver to two demanding little girls, she has become more mature, putting the needs of others before hers. She may always be younger at heart than I am, but now I see her as more of an adult since her actions are more adult-like, and I appreciate that.

My relationship with my (long-distance) best friend has taken a big hit since she become a mom. Jean was unrealistic about what having a baby would mean for her life and our friendship, especially since she has faced a number of unique challenges. First of all, she had a rough pregnancy and was on bed rest for a significant chunk of it. Meet-ups were cancelled or cut short because she had to be supine for long periods of time. She was certain, though, that once the baby was born, she would go back to her normal, active lifestyle. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case.

My husband and I were planning to meet up with Jean and her family around Christmas, 1.5 hours from their house, when the baby would be a month old. Three days before getting together, her husband called my husband to cancel. Having a newborn was more difficult and tiring than they had expected, and they couldn’t make the trip. My husband and I scrambled to find a way to visit our friends despite not having access to a car. We called a friend from a city three hours away and convinced her to go up with us to visit our mutual friends — and to give us a ride! The three of us stayed at Jean’s place for eight wonderful hours, talking, laughing, and playing games. Still, I was making a big effort to maintain our friendship after a baby, and I was a little put-out that I was doing most of the work. I figured that the early years are the hardest, though, and cut her some slack.

Then recently, we were planning to meet up with Jean and her husband to celebrate my 30th birthday in Chicago (a three-hour trip for them and a six-hour trip for us). On our way to Chicago, we learned that Jean had been admitted the night before to a research hospital in Madison, WI. It turns out, she has a rare and aggressive form of cancer that needed to be treated with 24-hour chemo and radiation. She got cancer from having a baby — placental blood was growing in her body. That afternoon that we were to meet in Chicago, my husband and I drove the extra 2.5 hours to Madison, WI instead to be with her. I cancelled my Monday classes in Ohio to stay with her until we knew the prognosis (50/50).

I had thought that the biggest hurdle in our friendship would be vying for her time after the birth of her baby. In reality, being really sick from having a baby is the true hurdle of our friendship. I’m glad now that I made the extra effort to do more than “my share” for our friendship. I know that in the coming months, she will have more than a baby taking her time and energy away from our friendship; she’ll also be fighting cancer.

My experiences with each of the three women in my life who have had babies recently is as different as the women themselves. Some of these differences come from choices the new parent is making, and some of these differences come from outside circumstances. I originally thought that the same skills I used to maintain a friendship with my sister and sister-in-law could be transferred to my relationship with my best friend. However, since each situation is unique, I know I need to approach each relationship in a unique way, and I plan to be there for my friends as much as I can as they navigate the challenges and joys of their new lives. I also hope that they will, in turn, be as present in our friendship as I plan to be.

When I was researching ways a childless friend can maintain her relationship with a new mom, I found some great advice, but as Wendy wrote, friendship is a two-way street. With that sentiment in mind, here are a few things that new moms can do to help maintain friendships with their childless friends:

1. Cut your friend some slack if she doesn’t call as much. She doesn’t know when to call. Will she accidently wake the baby — or you — up from a much-needed nap? Will she accidently call at bedtime or feeding time? Help your friend know when to call you.

2. Be sensitive that you have the privilege of being a mom, but your friend, who may want very much to be a mother, does not. Please know that being happy for you and being envious of you can go hand in hand. Your friend may not want children, but she may also be childless for reasons outside of her control: infertility; no long-term, loving relationship; not enough resources to raise a child.

3. Share the joys of parenthood along with the frustrations. Let your friend read a book to your child, play peek-a-boo, and teach your baby a new skill. We childless friends are here to listen to you vent about, and even participate in, some of the “bad” parts of having a kid: early nights, limited mobility, and stinky diapers; but we want to share in some of the joy, too.

4. Let your friend know that she’s still important to you. Your friend understands that she’s taken a backseat to your baby. But let her know that you still want her in your life — and that sometimes you kind of need a “wine-soaked evening with pals” to go back to being a mom in a refreshed way.

I’m sure you readers of Dear Wendy have lots of advice for me and others navigating friendships with new moms, and I hope you will share it.

[Thanks to Katy — who is not the author of this essay, so these are not necessarily her opinions — for letting me post this photo of her with Jackson and me, taken when she came to visit us in January. Katy — who, yes, is childless — has been a close friend for 18 years. She lives in Chicago, but we see each other a few times a year. Jackson was smitten as soon as he met her (doesn't hurt that she's beautiful, and great with children to boot). — wendy]

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The first thing you need to do is separate the issue of marriage with the issue of having not met your boyfriend’s family yet. The two are not directly connected. If you want to meet your boyfriend’s family and you’re curious about why you haven’t yet, ask him! If they don’t live nearby, maybe the opportunity hasn’t yet presented itself to take you home to introduce you. Maybe he wasn’t sure you were ready to meet them. Maybe he is estranged from them (though if that’s the case, I’d hope you’d know that since you’ve been together for a while). It’s interesting that you say you know your boyfriend isn’t “embarrassed to be seen with you,” as if that’s a possibility you’ve ruled out. Why would that be a possibility in the first place? Is there something about you that you think could embarrass him? Is there a difference between you — say, a difference in race or size — that might stand out? If you are, in fact, different races, it’s possible that he comes from a conservative family that may not be open to interracial relationships. But without more details, I’m just grasping here. To know the real reason your boyfriend hasn’t introduced you to his family, you need to ask him.

As for your future together, I’m unclear as to whether you don’t believe your boyfriend wants to marry you or if you’re simply frustrated that you two haven’t discussed a timeline for when a marriage (or proposal) might actually happen. You aren’t unreasonable for wanting some idea about whether you’re on the same page in terms of a future together and a general timeline for things like a wedding. If your boyfriend is unwilling to discuss a future when you bring it up, then you need to present your feelings as statements and not as questions. For example, instead of saying: “When do you want to get married?”, you should say, “I’m not sure what your intention is, but I need you to know that I’d like to be married to you in the next two years [or whatever your time frame is] and if that doesn’t match up with what you want, you need to let me know soon so I can adjust my thinking.” You don’t have to let him know that part of “adjusting your thinking” is breaking up with him and finding a man who isn’t so scared to discuss a future with you, but you do need to let him know what your expectations are so he can act accordingly (and not be taken off-guard if/when you MOA).

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter and ‘like’ me on Facebook.

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I love Henri.

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A recent study suggests that a woman’s sexual appetite peaks at 11 PM on Saturday night, which makes me feel even worse about my usual 10 PM bedtime. Then again, the study was conducted in the UK, and you know how those stiff-upper-lip Brits are. (I don’t even know what that means, but let’s go with it). Anyway, do you agree with the findings of the study? Answer the poll question below to see how you compare to others.

[via Daily Mail]

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If you and your boyfriend are exclusive — i.e., not dating anyone else but each other — he shouldn’t have accepted an invitation to be someone’s date to a wedding without making sure you were OK with it first. I can appreciate that people bring “dates” to weddings all the time that aren’t real dates. I was at a wedding a couple weeks ago where a woman brought her brother as a date, for example. And I can think of some circumstances where it might make sense for a woman to ask her platonic male friend to accompany her to a wedding, even if that friend has a new girlfriend — like, if the wedding is in the male friend’s town and the female friend is flying in from somewhere else and the wedding gives them a chance to catch up. But still. You are the girlfriend now — a girlfriend of five months — and you deserve some respect. The right thing to do would be for your boyfriend to give a good explanation for why he wants to be another woman’s date to a wedding in a way that makes it clear you have no reason to feel jealous or threatened (and he should also be showing appreciation to you for being so accommodating).

Also, is it just a coincidence that your boyfriend was invited to two weddings as a “plus one” or does he have tons of female friends? Is he, like, a super good-looking guy whom women would be proud to take to a wedding a show off as if he’s their date-date? Is there any chance these women like him and he’s either unaware of their feelings or, worse, likes that they’re into him? These are all just questions to consider and discuss with your boyfriend if you have concerns about the intentions of these women in his life. It’s entirely possible everything is strictly platonic and there’s no reason to worry beyond a basic concern that your boyfriend show a little more respect for your role as his girlfriend. But it’s also always good not to be naive.

Trust your boyfriend, but more importantly, trust your gut; if you feel like you have reason to worry, talk to your boyfriend about your concerns. If you don’t feel right about your boyfriend attending these weddings as other women’s dates, tell him why you feel that way and let him explain why it’s so important to him to go. If he doesn’t have a good explanation beyond, “My friends asked me!”, you need to let him know that’s not enough. If you’ve agreed to be exclusive, that means you don’t go on dates with other people unless there’s a very good reason to and that the platonic nature of the date is understood by all parties.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter and ‘like’ me on Facebook.

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