This is a framed Johnny Cash poster we have hanging over our diner booth where we eat all our meals — well, all the ones we don’t eat on the couch in front of the TV, which is decidedly fewer than before we became parents or started concerning ourselves with setting a good example. Anyway, Jackson’s vocabulary has been growing by leaps and bounds — as has HE, in general; at the rate he is busting out of his clothes, I think he may be taking after my mom and dad in the height department (they’re 6′ and 6’4″, respectively) — and every day he seems to learn a couple new words. Today, we were eating breakfast and he pointed to the poster and said “Cash!” and I said, “Yeah! That’s Johnny Cash,” and then I played “Jackson” and Jackson clapped his hands, and it was just one of those moments that makes all the exhausting and frustrating ones — of which there are many — worth it.

On a different note, our first annual Wedding Week comes to a close today — which doesn’t mean we won’t have any wedding-related content for another year, of course, but we won’t have quite as much crammed into five days for a really long time. I wanted to thank of all of you for the lively debates and discussions and for hanging in there even if you aren’t a fan of wedding talk. Also, thank you for perusing the gift guides and for the purchases you made through the affiliate links. I’m sure not all of you care about gift guides or consumerism in general, but this is just one additional way I can make a little revenue stream that helps support the site and keeps me in Tootsie Rolls, so thank you for playing along.

Hey, did anyone else watch “The Office” finale last night? Wasn’t it good? It’s so hard to end a television series, I think — especially a comedy — but this series finale was so well-done — one of the best I’ve ever seen. While the last couple of seasons haven’t been nearly as entertaining as previous ones, I remained a fan of “The Office” until the end and will miss it.

Anyhoo, I will close now since I hear Jackson crying from his crib after only taking a 30-minute nap, which is so unfair and cruel. I barely had time to scarf down a salad and write this post! (His babysitter took the week off and I’m really feeling the crunch of being a full-time SAHM on top of running the site, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.; and now he only naps for a measly 30 minutes? WTF, dude! TGIF, is all I have to say).

Hope your weekend is grand!

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“Even asleep, infidelity counts: Study finds dreams affect our relationship behaviour” [via The Windsor Star]

“I left the love of my life because I thought I could do better. Now I’m childless and alone at 42″ [via Daily Mail]

“Love Behind Bars: Why did a nice girl like me date an inmate?” [via Slate]

Loneliness can kill you [via The New Republic]

Related: “Shaking Off Loneliness” [via The New York Times]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

It’s time for Wedding Week Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

 
So, your part is to come up with the idea and his part is to finance it? That seems unfair. If you really want him to help you plan and to gauge his commitment to tying the knot, why don’t you sit down and discuss your budget, ask him what he envisions for your wedding, and decide what steps you need to start taking — i.e. saving money, committing to a date and location — to be ready for wedding in ten months. It probably wouldn’t hurt you to take a look at these 15 topics every couple should discuss before getting married; something tells me there might be a few you guys have skipped.

 
No, don’t ask your in-laws, who live paycheck to paycheck, to help pay for your rehearsal dinner! If they want to contribute to your wedding, they’ll let you know. A rehearsal dinner is typically for the people who are in your wedding — the people who have to rehearse walking down the aisle and taking their places, etc. — and can be as fancy as a five-star, multi-course, sit-down dinner, or as casual as a back yard BBQ or an evening at a pizza joint. Decide what your budget is and go from there. If you want to do something for your out-of-town guests, which is nice but certainly not necessary, consider hosting/organizing a brunch the morning after the wedding, which could be as simple as bagels, some cream cheese, a fruit platter and coffee (much cheaper than including all of them in your rehearsal dinner!).

 
A wedding really isn’t the best place to try to mend broken friendships with people you haven’t seen or spoken to in ten years, and saying something beforehand could prove to make things more awkward than you already fear they will be. Just go to the bridal shower and wedding prepared to be cordial, knowing that the worst that will happen is you’ll be ignored by people you don’t even really know anymore, which certainly isn’t the worst thing in the world. At best, you’ll have an opportunity to show through your behavior that you’re a different person today — maybe even one your former high school friends would be interested in getting to know.

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You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

In honor of Wedding Week on Dear Wendy, I’m re-posting this helpful list, originally published on February 6, of a bunch of wedding must-haves you can totally skip if you want, no matter what your grandmother or best friend (or, ahem, Gator Girl) says.

Four years ago today, I got engaged on a snowy bridge in Central Park on a Friday evening after work. Five months later, Drew and I were married in a sunny garden in Central Park on a Friday morning surrounded by about 70 of our closest friends and family. I wore a dress I bought on eBay for about a hundred dollars. I did my own makeup and hair. I made my own bouquet. We didn’t have a wedding cake. In fact, there were plenty of things we didn’t have and didn’t do that lots of people, “experts” and concerned citizens alike, proclaim are wedding must-haves. And yet, despite our apparent missteps as planners, we had a beautiful wedding — one that some of our guests still count among their favorites, several years later. For any of you stressing about all the details you’ve been told you have to include in your wedding, here are 20 wedding “must-haves” we happily skipped — or could have skipped — and you can too (if you want! And if you want to include them, that’s perfectly fine, too.).

1. STDs (Save-the-Date cards).
We sent an email to people as soon as we had a date and venue picked out. No one complained that they had one less thing to stick on their fridge or pitch in the garbage after marking it on their calendars, and we saved at least a couple hundred bucks on cards and postage.

2. An Engagement Party.
Because you’re already getting a party with gifts and attention and accolades. It’s called your wedding. And people will already be spending enough time and money to be there for you.

3. A Bridal Shower or bachelor/ette parties.
See #2. Now, if someone in your life wants to throw one of these for you — or, in my case, surprises you with one — enjoy yourself and be genuinely appreciative. But don’t think just because you don’t have these parties that your wedding will be any less special or your marriage any less valid.

4. A wedding band.
Make a playlist on your iPhone — or whatever you use — and hook it up to a portable speaker and be done with it.

5. A wedding website.
Despite what some people may say, a wedding website is not necessary — even for weddings with more than ten guests. You know what people did in the olden days before the internet? They included all necessary information on the invitation and answered the phone when people called with potential questions.

6. A gift registry.
It’s helpful to have one, sure. And creating one does increase the odds of getting stuff you actually want and will use. But you know what will happen if you buck tradition and skip a registry altogether? Your guests will figure something out. They might even use original thought.

7. A wedding party.
Bridesmaids, groomsmen, a Maid-of-Honor, a best man, a ring bearer, flower girl, blah, blah, freaking blah. You know who will be sad if you don’t give a handful of your guests special titles and make them dress in matching outfits? Pretty much no one.

8. A florist.
Go to Youtube and see how easy it is to pick up some flowers at a wholesale market or even a drugstore and make your own bouquet. Boom! That just saved you, like, several hundred bucks.

9. A wedding cake.
Have a wedding pie if you want! Or cupcakes. Or individual flutes of chocolate mousse that people can clink together for a “toast.” Or, if you really want a cake-cake, go to a bakery, order a large sheet cake and have them write your names and wedding date on the top. Boom! That just saved you another several hundred bucks.

10. A white dress.
Or an expensive dress. Or a dress you found after trying on a million others. Or a dress, at all. What if you wore a skirt and blouse? Guess what? You’d still be married at the end of the ceremony. The law doesn’t care what you decide to wear.

11. Wedding favors.
No one’s going to miss not having pastel-clored M&Ms with your initials in a little baggies tied with a ribbons in the color of your wedding placed lovingly on their dinner plates. Promise.

12. Chairs for everyone.
You know who needs a chair for your 20-minute ceremony? Old people, maybe disabled people, and the pregnant ladies. You know who doesn’t? Everyone else. It’s a few minutes. They’ve stood in lines at Disneyland for five times longer.

13. A dance floor.
Anyone who wants to bust a move when Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love” starts playing will find a corner or push a few chairs out of the way or climb on top of the table to make that shit happen. Anyone who wishes there was a place for the dollar dance needs to go back to 1987 and finish watching that episode of “Moonlighting” where Bruce Willis said something sexist.

14. A weekend ceremony.
For a variety of reasons, we had our wedding on a Friday. Yes, that meant that most of our guests had to take a day off from work if they wanted to be there. But there are probably worse ways to spend a Friday off in the summer than at Central Park, followed by a delicious — and free — lunch in Manhattan with your family and/or friends. And if there’s not, then people could have sent their regrets and we would have understood.

15. A professional makeup artist.
Personally, I hated the idea of a professional makeup artist. I wanted to look like myself, not like what some stranger thought a bride should look like. If you decide to use a professional makeup artist, have some photos to show the makeup person for inspiration, and make sure you do a practice run beforehand or you may end up looking like a Dolly Parton drag queen in your wedding photos.

16. A guestbook.
It’s fine if you want one, but if you don’t, just skip it. You’ll remember who was at your wedding through photos and cards you’ll save.

17. A rehearsal dinner.
And you don’t need a rehearsal for that matter, either. I think most people can figure out how to walk down an aisle without practicing first.

18. A block of hotel rooms.
If you have only a small number of out-of-town guests, like we did for our wedding, it probably doesn’t make sense to reserve a block of rooms at one hotel. It’s perfectly nice to email those guests a list of, say, 1-3 recommendations of conveniently-located, reasonably-priced, comfortable hotels and let them go from there.

19. Assigned seating.
We had assigned seating, but I’ve been to weddings that didn’t. And while I do think it’s easier — and a little more comfortable — on guests if they don’t have to hustle to find a table where they know someone or where there are enough seats for the people they want to sit with or where they have to save their seats with their purses or cell phones or what have you once they find a spot — you know what will happen if you don’t spend hours making a seating chart? One way or another, guests will find a place to sit. And all will be fine. And you’ll probably have fewer grey hairs to cover up on the big day.

20. A wedding planner.
Everything you need to know, you can find on the internet for free.

It’s wedding week here on Dear Wendy and to celebrate, I have some handy-dandy wedding-related gift guides to help you find the perfect gift for the brides, grooms, bachelorettes and bridesmaids in your life. When it comes to bridal shower/bachelorette gifts, you can play it safe by shopping a couple’s registry, but if they don’t have a registry or if you’d prefer giving something a bit more personal, unique, and specifically for the bride, keep reading for some of my bridal shower/ bachelorette gift ideas of 2013.

Pre-Wedding

Philosophy Here Comes The Bride Gift Set
The Philosophy line of skincare is one of my favorite and this bridal set includes some of the line’s bestsellers, like the purity facial cleanser, hope in a jar moisturizer, amazing grace perfumed shampoo, bath & shower gel, amazing grace perfume, firming body emulsion, plus a single-use sample of the microdelivery peel. A perfect gift to pamper and prepare for wedding day.

Lush Bath Bomb
These are, hands-down, my favorite bath product, and at over 6 bucks a pop, they’re a luxury, too. But, man, a lush bath bomb bath is worth it — relaxing as all get out, and it leave skin super soft. Plus, this sex bath bomb supposedly has aphrodisiac special powers.

Clarisonic
I know, I know, I can’t shut up about the Clarisonic, but that’s because it really works! And while it’s a bit of a splurge for a shower or bachelorette gift, if you’ve got the money it would be a truly thoughtful gift for a sister or best friend or mom or daughter as she prepares for her big day.

For the wedding:

Vintage handkerchief
Something old and something blue. The bride can carry this in her purse and dab at her eyes when she gets teary, like something out of a Victorian storybook.

Vintage Compact Mirror
This unique compact mirror is perfect for the bride to slip in her purse and use to touch-up her makeup throughout her wedding day (and beyond).

Personalized Champagne Glasses
Lovely, keepsake champagne glasses for all the wedding toasts at the reception, these glasses can be personalized with the couples initials “carved” into the tree trunk. So cute!

For the honeymoon:

Cosabella black stretch mesh lace trimmed ‘lucky’ babydoll chemise
Sexy, sophisticated… and heavily discounted. What’s not to love?

Sand My Regards Beach Towel in 1937
She’ll have the best towel on the beach during her island honeymoon…

 
Kama Sutra Just Married Weekender Kit
Maybe save this gift for the bachelorette party and not the bridal shower where the bride is opening gifts in front of Grandma and Aunt Edith.

For married life:

The Boozy Baker
Look, I know not every woman or wife has interest in baking. I, for one, can usually think of 50 other things I’d rather do. BUT, if I’m going to bake, I like the idea of it being boozy, and I bet the bride in your life does too.

Picnic Time Circo Cheese Set
I love this sweet set for the couple who love spending time outdoors. And if you want to go with a theme, you could give the Gourmet a Day of It Picnic Throw.

The Newlywed’s Instruction Manual
Because all of life’s big transitions should come with a manual.

This is an older post from the forums, but in honor of Wedding Week and since this is likely a common issue, I thought it worth posting and answering here (and if the original poster is reading this, we’d love an update!!).

First and foremost, changing your name (or not) is your decision to make and no one else’s. You should keep your fiancé’s feelings in mind, but you shouldn’t let him be the deciding factor, especially since the arguments he’s giving you for dropping your name and taking his are sexist, disrespectful, and, frankly, oppressive. If he truly fears that you not taking his name is a sign that you aren’t committed to him, what he’s really saying is that he needs outward evidence that you belong to him. He wants ownership of you and that means branding you with his name. He argues that you’re being disrespectful of him because you aren’t considering his feelings, but what about your feelings? Isn’t he being disrespectful of YOU for not considering YOUR feelings about changing YOUR name?? Or do your feelings just not matter as much as his because you’re a woman and therefore not as important?

There are plenty of good reasons that a woman would want to take her husband’s name: she likes the tradition; she doesn’t like her birth name; she doesn’t like her father and would rather not be tied to him by name; she wants to share a family name with her husband and children. And there are plenty of reasons why a woman would choose to keep her name upon marriage: she’s anti-patriarchy; she loves her last name; she’s built a career/reputation around her name; she doesn’t like her husband’s name or doesn’t like the way it sounds with her first name. Those are all perfectly fine reasons for changing or keeping a name. What isn’t so fine is: being pressured by a husband who thinks his feelings matter more. I’m sorry, but fuck that noise.

You want to compromise? Great. Here’s a good compromise: you keep your name and he keeps his name. Or, you keep your name but agree to give future children his name. Or you can hyphenate your name. Or you create a new last name for both of you so you each change your name. Or you keep your name legally, but take his name socially. Or, if taking a spouse’s name is such a crucial part of commitment, he can take your last name. And if none of those options works for your fiancé and he’s still accusing you of disrespecting his feelings, don’t marry the guy because he sounds like a sexist asshole and you can bet this won’t be the last time he wants to dictate your choices.

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You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

This week in the forums, we’re discussing:

Saw explicit messages on boyfriends facebook.

The first annual DW picnic in NYC is in 2 1/2 weeks!

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

It’s wedding week here on Dear Wendy, and, to celebrate, I have some handy-dandy wedding-related gift guides to help you find the perfect gift for the brides, grooms, bachelorettes and bridesmaids in your life. A popular convention around bridesmaids’ gifts is to give something that you’d like your bridesmaids to wear during the wedding, like matching necklaces or fascinators. Boo, I say. The point of a gift is to give something you think the recipient would enjoy and appreciate… and maybe use beyond the occasion of your wedding. With that in mind, here are some of my favorite bridesmaid gift ideas of 2013 — gifts your bridesmaids will actually like receiving. Unless they hate awesome stuff.

Foldable Ballet Flat
These are my favorite, go-to flats in the spring and summer and are perfect for throwing in a purse or tote and changing into late in the evening when your heels start giving you grief. Bridesmaids will love wearing them to dance at the reception and will appreciate a gift they can continue using well after the wedding is over.

Flask with a Built-in Collapsible Shot Glass
I think the name says it all, no?

Ceramic Dish
Handmade in white clay, textured with beautiful floral motifs, this unique dish can be used to hold jewelry, soap, or candles. I also love these dishes for a similar use.

All-Occasion Notecard Set
Who wouldn’t appreciate a set of notecards for different occasions to have at the ready when that birthday pops up you forgot to get a card for? Plus, these cards are great quality and cute to boot.

Silk clutch
If you decide to give these gorgeous silk clutches to your bridesmaids, can I be an honorary one? I will wear whatever you tell me to and do my hair in whatever fashion and I’ll even put on tight shoes if it will score me a clutch as sweet as this one. Thanks.

Kenneth Cole Gold Disc Long Illusion Necklace
The great thing about this necklace is its versatility. Wear it with a fancy dress, throw it on with a tank and jeans, or layer it with a bunch of other long necklaces. Because it can be worn with so much and in so many different ways, it’s the kind of gift that would appeal to a group of women with different styles. In other words, perfect for a set of bridesmaids.

Beautiful Journal
These hardback journals are covered in custom printed fabric and feature eco-friendly, wood-free paper. You could slip a heart-felt note in each journal and maybe a favorite photo of you and the bridesmaid since so few of us actually make prints of favorite photos anymore.

Cosmetic Bag
The Pinned Pretty store on Etsy has lots of different handmade cosmetic bags at various sizes and price points that can be mixed and matched for a pretty bridesmaid gift set. Fill each bag with some of your favorite bath and beauty items, like clear lipgloss (I love Elizabeth Arden’s), Lush bath bombs, fancy hand lotion, a small perfume sample (my current fave is See By Chloe), and maybe a small travel candle.

Gourmet Chocolate Truffles
If you have a favorite chocolate company, or one that is local to your area, a small gift box for each of your bridesmaids would make a lovely gift. I have several favorite chocolate companies, but for pretty packaging and unique flavors, you can’t beat Vosges. The 9-piece exotic truffle collection is a perfect gift size.

Curvy Flower Vase
These vases are so beautiful, they don’t even need flowers to enhance their appeal. There’s five in the set, each more lovely than the last. Like your bridesmaids, right?
 
 
 
 
 

From the forums:

She has no obligation to you, her bridesmaids or her family beyond treating you with the same respect she’d expect from any of you. She does not have an obligation to get married, even if gifts have already been sent and travel arrangements made and paid for. She does not have an obligation to stay married even if she does go through with the wedding. She doesn’t even have an obligation to reimburse expenses made on her and her fiancé’s behalf if the wedding is canceled at the last minute. I mean, what is she supposed to do? Bankrupt herself paying for everyone’s travel expenses and reimbursing her guests and wedding party for the clothes they bought? Common etiquette does say that if the wedding is canceled, the bride and groom should return all gifts — shower gifts, included — that have not been used, along with a brief thank you. Once the wedding takes place. though, even if the marriage only lasts a few weeks, the couple keeps the gifts.

You say this is your best friend and it may be tempting to tell her not to get married or to cancel the wedding as soon as possible to save the guests as much inconvenience as possible, but putting that kind of pressure on her is only adding to her stress. This is a huge decision she needs to make and it really needs to be about what’s best for HER and not what is most convenient for her wedding guests. We’re talking, at most, one weekend for her guests versus, you know, her life. If she takes up to the last minute to figure out that perhaps getting married isn’t the best move right now, it’s not the end of the world. And if she doesn’t figure it out until after the wedding, it’s still not the end of the world, though it does make things far more complicated for herself.

It sounds like you’re concerned about the travel arrangements that have already been made and whether there’s actually going to be a wedding on the other end of your commute to justify the expense and inconvenience of traveling. But even if there isn’t a wedding, there’s still going to be a best friend on the other end of your commute who will welcome you and whatever support you can give, which should be enough justification to make the trip. Be there for her with a shoulder to cry on. Be there to help her host other friends and family who may have traveled for the wedding — who knows, it may literally get canceled at the very last minute with guests having already arrived. Be there and think of your friend and how confused she must be and put your own needs and annoyances aside for a couple of days and just help someone you care about get through what could likely be a most stressful time of her life. You will be glad you were there when she needed you most.

Finally, if you’re having such a hard time thinking about eating the cost of the bridesmaid dress and alterations and the other expenses related to being in the wedding party if the wedding is canceled or the marriage doesn’t last long, think of it this way: if she ever has a second wedding and asks you to be in it, you will have justification to graciously decline. There’s no reason anyone should have to spend hundreds of dollars as a bridesmaid twice for the same friend. Do it once and you’re done, whether the wedding happens or not. Offering your support and compassion, though, shouldn’t have a time limit.

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You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

In honor of Wedding Week on Dear Wendy, I’m re-posting this handy-dandy guide to surviving wedding season originally published on June 5, 2012.

June marks the unofficial start of wedding season and chances are you probably have at least one or two weddings you’ve been invited to this year. If you’re around, oh, 28 or so (22, if you’re from the South), you may even have 5-7 wedding invites you’re wading through this summer (10 or more if you’re Mormon). And with tight budgets, limited vacation time, and issues with fellow guests, to say nothing of the state of your own personal relationship (or lack thereof), other people’s weddings may be your own private battleground. So after the jump, 25 tips for surviving the season with your sanity, heart, wallet and pride still intact.

1. Do say no (but do so graciously). Whether it’s to a request to be a bridesmaid or to an invitation to a destination wedding you can’t afford, it’s ok to say no. But be gracious and timely and definitive. “Your wedding in Tuscany sounds amazing and I’m honored to have been invited, but, sadly, I won’t be able to attend. I’ll be thinking of you on your special day, and I can’t wait to see the photos!”

2. Do send an RSVP ASAP. Those RSVP cards were sent for a reason, and, as soon as you know whether you’ll be attending the wedding or not (and if you’ll bring a plus one), send the card back so the couple can have a head count for the caterer.

3. Don’t change your RSVP once it’s been given. Seriously, unless there are extenuating circumstances, it’s a total dick move to change your status of attendance once you have already been accounted – and likely paid – for. If you gave a Yes and, due to circumstances beyond your control, can no longer go, send a hand-written note of apology as well as a nice gift.

4. Do set a budget and stick to it. Decide what you can afford on travel costs, attire, and gifts, and don’t go over! No one who truly cares about you wants you breaking your budget to attend her wedding, and, if she doesn’t care for you, why would you want to overspend on her anyway?

5. Do introduce yourself to your tablemates (if you don’t already know them) and ask how they know the bride and groom (or bride and bride or groom and groom).

6. Do connect with other guests you know before the wedding and discuss carpooling.

7. Don’t wear brand new shoes.

8. Don’t be the drunkest person at the wedding. If you can’t figure out who the drunkest person is, then it’s probably you and you need to quit drinking.

9. Do flirt with other single people if you’re single too. One of the best things about being single is flirting with people at a wedding. Everyone is socially lubricated, high on love, looking their best, and feeling friendly, so live it up!

10. Don’t bring someone you don’t know very well. Avoid the temptation of having a date, any date, and go alone if your only other option is to invite a near stranger. Weddings make awkward first (or second) dates. Plus, it’s more fun to flirt with other single guests than to have the pressure of ensuring a decent time for someone you’ve dragged with you just so you don’t have to be alone.

11. Do ask a member of the wedding party if you can help with anything (monitoring the gift table, taking photos, passing around the guest book) if you are sans date or want to avoid your tablemates for whatever reason and want an instant ice breaker with other guests.

12. Don’t get your feelings hurt if the bride and groom don’t spend time with you. They may have about five minutes they can spend with each of their guests, some of whom they haven’t seen in ages. Connect with them after the honeymoon when their focus isn’t so scattered.

13. Do introduce yourself to the parents of the couple and tell them how you know their kids. Parents love that shit and it makes you look classy.

14. Don’t make an unplanned toast, especially if you’re drunk.

15. If you plan to make a toast, write it down and practice it beforehand. Make sure it’s about the couple and not just the half of the couple you know best.

16. Don’t wear anything that’s too small or shows too much cleavage. If in doubt, err on the side of being too conservative.

17. Don’t post unflattering wedding photos on Facebook. Better still, make sure the bride and groom are ok with people sharing pictures of their wedding on social media before you post away.

18. Don’t live-tweet the event.

19. Do wear Spanx if it makes you feel more confident.

20. Don’t trim your own bangs less than a week before the wedding. In fact, don’t trim them yourself at all.

21. Do remember the golden rules (of an open bar): one glass of water for every serving of alcohol; and tip the bartender.

22. Don’t gossip about other guests with people at the wedding. They may be within earshot, or word may get back to them.

23. Do wear a favorite dress to more than one wedding if there aren’t overlaps in the guests.

24. Don’t make a scene if you see an ex or someone you are estranged from. Be a mature person, smile, say “How do you do?” and go on your merry way. (Do look like a million bucks, though).

25. Don’t measure yourself against someone else’s wedding or marital status. Just because you are (fill-in-the-blank) years old and still single doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that you’re doomed to a lifetime of loneliness. Focus instead on the positive feelings and memories you have of the bride and groom and on the delicious anticipation to be had in a life unfolding.

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Trying not to be a Bridezilla” who was upset when her recently engaged brother set his wedding for six weeks before hers. Keep reading to see how it all turned out and whether her wedding was, indeed, ruined as she feared it would be.

Thanks for the update!

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

Since you’ve been best friends with the bride’s mother for 41 years, you might, as I would if I were you, make a casual mention about the exclusion of your boyfriend the next time you talk to her. It could be along the lines of, “I got “Jane’s invitation in the mail and I’m so excited to attend her wedding. I think “Hank” will come to Canada with me and we’ll make a long weekend of it. I’m sure the budget is tight and Jane and John want to keep the guest list down, but I wanted to double-check with you that they indeed only meant to invite me and not Hank, too.” Then, you must accept whatever answer she gives you if you hope to remain friends with her and close with her daughter, too. The truth is, you don’t know for sure why your boyfriend wasn’t invited; you’re only speculating. And my hunch is that YOU are the one who is most hurt by the exclusion and not your boyfriend.

In any event, neither you nor your boyfriend should take this personally. While it’s unfortunate that the bride and groom didn’t extend an invitation to your boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, it’s possible that there were many people who didn’t make the cut and you and your boyfriend aren’t being singled out like you suspect. And if your BFF is indeed still licking the wounds of her recent divorce and her bitterness is responsible for the exclusion of your boyfriend, try to show some compassion to someone who is clearly hurting.

This wedding is one day — one day in your life, one day in the life of your relationships, and one day in what has been a 41-year friendship. Don’t let one day — and one hurtful slight — create more drama than it’s worth. Your boyfriend can still accompany you to Canada and you can still enjoy a long weekend there together. Surely he can busy himself with something while you’re at the wedding, and you’ll know enough people there to have a good time without him. For the good of your friendship and your relationship with this woman who has been like a niece to you, try to bury your resentment at least until your BFF is in a better place emotionally.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

When I started started this site two years ago, I had no idea that weddings would prove to be such a controversial and emotionally-charged topic. Over the last couple of years, I have received more letters wedding-related than on any other topic, and with few exceptions the columns devoted to those letters attract hundreds of commenters and significant traffic. In honor of Wedding Week here on Dear Wendy, here is a round-up of the all-time most popular wedding columns on Dear Wendy (I know at least a few will spark a trip down memory lane…)

“My In-Laws Never Gave us a Wedding Gift”
The LW wondered whether she should come out as ask her brand new in-laws where the hell their wedding gift was.

“Do We Have to Invite Plus Ones To Our Wedding?”
This woman wanted to know whether she really HAD to invite spouses even though she’d never met them. Doing so would make the guest list almost twice as long! And, literally, there just was NO space in the venue for all these extras.

“I’m Pissed that My Boyfriend is Going to a Wedding Without Me”
This is what happens when you don’t include “plus-ones.”

My Fiancé’s Groomsman Has No Teeth!
Never forget!

“Should I ask Wedding Guests Why I Haven’t Received a Gift From Them?”
You know, probably not…

“My Friends Are Already Bailing on My Non-Traditional Wedding Celebration”
Reading this letter, many commenters wondered: is it a wedding celebration if the wedding was three months earlier and none of the guests were invited?

“I Don’t Want Kids at My Destination Wedding”
The LW updated us here.

“She Wants to Bring a Baby to Our Wedding”
Not only did she want to bring her newborn baby to a wedding that was supposed to be kid-free, she wanted him to be a ring bearer to boot, because, you know, it’s all about her.

“Being a Bridesmaid is Breaking My Budget!”
That shit’s expensive.

“Should I Tell My Friend Why I Don’t Want Her in My Wedding?”
I’d be surprised if these two are still on speaking terms.

It’s wedding week here on Dear Wendy and to celebrate, I have some handy-dandy wedding-related gift guides to help you find the perfect gift for the brides, grooms, bachelorettes and bridesmaids in your life. When it comes to wedding gifts, you can play it safe by shopping a couple’s registry or giving cash, but if there isn’t a registry and cash seems too impersonal or you’d simply like to give something a bit more unique, keep reading for some of my favorite wedding gift ideas of 2013. Whether your budget is less that $25 or more than $200, I’ve got you covered.

Under $25

Trunks Full of Taste Shaker Set
Who doesn’t love elephants? Especially elephants who are so sweet and adorable together? Maybe they’re newlyweds too!

“All My Love For You” drinking glass set
This set is so sweet — and dishwasher-safe — and could work equally well as a juice glass or a summertime Gin and Tonic.

Home Tweet Home Key Holder for Two
A perfect gift for two love birds setting up their nest together.

Chalk-A-Doodle Ceramic Jar
Write “cookies” on the label and fill with homemade cookies for a sweet, personal, and budget-friendly gift.

$25-$50

“Your Coffee” and “My Coffee” vintage silver-plated spoon set,
Paired with a stovetop espresso maker, this gift is perfect for the coffee-loving newlyweds.

Gourmet a Day of It Picnic Throw
This is probably my favorite product on the whole damn list. Folded up, it looks like a cute hand bag, but unzip the bag and it’s a fleece-lined picnic blanket! Love, love, love.

Natural Olive Wood Snack Bowl
Decorative and practical, this hand-made bowl was carved out of a single piece of wood so it’s as rare and special as the sweet, sweet love of a newlywed couple. Also, it just looks cool.

Pretty Chevron Vessel. For the design lovers who already have everything, these gorgeous vessels have multiple uses: vase, tea cup, pen holder, toothbrush holder, or making everyone jealous because you have a pretty chevron vessel and they do not.

The Fifty Shades of Chicken Cookbook
Perfect for the new married couple who likes spice — and laughs — in the kitchen and the bedroom. A parody on that other Fifty Shades, this true cookbook includes 50 chicken recipes to entice and titillate. Pair it with the well-reviewed Newlywed Cookbook: Fresh Ideas and Modern Recipes for Cooking With and for Each Other for a thoughtful and practical gift.

$50-$100

Out to Sea Beach Towel
Because a beach towel is one of those things you forget you need until it’s the perfect day to hit the surf and you realize all you’ve got is your stupid bath towel. Save their perfect day — or honeymoon! — with a set of sophisticated beach towels.

Trail Remix Radio
This super cute retro portable AM/FM radio can connect to an iPhone or headphone and features an illuminated blue display, which gives the date, time, day, and temperature. Did I mention how cute it is?

Gourmet Sea Salt Sampler Collection
Did you know that artisinal salts are a thing now? Well, they are (as is artisinal mayonnaise). And they are a great gift to the cooks, foodies, hip sophisticates in your life. They look pretty too.

Cocktails bitters and Cocktail Recipe Book
Great gift for the couple who likes to entertain … especially if they like to entertain YOU.

Black Walnut Cutting board with Seashell, apatite, lapis and golden mica
I am in love with this cutting board and want to marry it. I will be sure to include it on the wedding registry. That’s all.

100+

Fujifilm Instant Film Camera (plus film and case)
Because instant photos are so retro and fun! And how often do people actually get around to making prints of their digital photos? With this camera, the newlyweds can have instant prints of their honeymoon trip for the album and cross one more thing off their to-do list.

Take Your Turntable in Blue
Does the couple enjoy riding fixed-gear bikes, drinking craft beer, and growing mustaches (him) or fire escape herb gardens (her)? Then they will totally love this vintage-inspired turntable, trust.

Hand Embroidered State Pillow
What better way to celebrate the state of their wedded union? This beauty is destined to become an instant family heirloom.

Le Creuset Enameled Cast Iron Round French Oven
Even if this item is not on the couple’s registry, they will thank you for getting what is one of the most essential kitchen items of all time and a must-have for anyone who plans to cook family meals for decades to come.

It’s Wedding Week on Dear Wendy! This week will be chock-full of wedding columns, gift guides, listicles, dollar dances and an open bar. If you love wedding content, this is your lucky week. If you hate wedding content, this is your lucky week because open bar. But just kidding about the open bar.

No, absolutely do NOT invite your dad in secret. You know very well that’s a secret that won’t be kept forever, and at some point — either before your wedding or after — your loved ones — your mother, your sister, your in-laws — are going to get their feelings hurt that they weren’t invited to your wedding when your father was. I know this is where I’m supposed to tell you to just go elope if that’s what you and your fiancé both want, but I get the feeling that maybe what you want more than a private elopement is a vacation… and to avoid the kind of stress you attribute to large, traditional weddings.

But here are two things to keep in mind: eloping won’t necessarily save you wedding stress and drama. In some cases it can create even more stress if for no other reason you have to justify your decision over and over while dealing with hurt feelings of close family members who feel slighted. As for a vacation, you can still have a wedding and a vacation — otherwise known as a “honeymoon” — though it may not be exactly how you’ve imagined it.

I have a couple of suggestions: have a small wedding where you live and invite family only (yes, even your stepfather) and then honeymoon in Vegas afterward (you can even do a chapel wedding for fun; who says you can’t have two weddings?); have a private elopement in Vegas — just the two of you! — followed by a small reception for close family where you share photos.

If you go the first route and decide to have a small wedding, inviting the 20 or so people you feel obligated to include — don’t worry too much about photos. You’ll get lots of photos, and just because your stepfather will be in some — because, yes, it would be rude to ask him to not be in any — doesn’t mean you have to order a lot of prints of those — just order a few for him and your mom — or display them or include them in an album. I mean, really. If including your stepfather in a few wedding shots is seriously a reason you want to elope, then you’re being overly dramatic. Unless you’ve left out some pertinent information about the guy like he cheated on your mother with her sister or took a photo of you climbing out of the shower when you were 16 or something awful like that.

If you decide to elope because it’s really, truly what you want, then stick to your guns and keep it a true elopement and don’t invite anyone. Sure, some people will probably still be disappointed to miss your actual wedding, but they won’t be as hurt wondering why you allowed your father to attend but not them. If no one is invited, then everyone is excluded, and, if EVERYONE is excluded, then you really can’t call it an “exclusion” at all. Invite one person, though, and then it is. And that’s when shit hits the fan.

Finally, I have one more suggestion: if you do elope, why not do it totally in secret (which is, technically, the definition of elopement). Just pick a weekend, don’t tell anyone, go off and tie the knot. No one will be able to try to talk you out of doing it the way you want to because no one will know you’re doing it. And when you come home, you can throw a small party if you want. Or not. Who cares. It will already be done! And you will have had the nice, quiet wedding you want and the drama-free vacation for just the two of you.

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You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

Sunday is Mother’s Day and as much as I will enjoy time with Jackson and Drew, and will be thinking about my own mother and how much I appreciate her, especially now that I have a better understanding of the sacrifices she made to raise me and my sister, my thoughts will also be with those for whom Mother’s Day isn’t a happy occasion. I’ll be thinking of people whose own mothers are no longer with them or who never had the kind of mother they deserved. I’ll also be thinking of mothers who have lost children or suffered miscarriages and who have experienced the unthinkable grief no one should have to experience. And I’ll be thinking of the women for whom motherhood remains just outside their grasp no matter how hard they reach for it.

I won’t pretend to know what it feels like to lose a mother or a child or to want a baby so badly and not have one. But I do know the joy of motherhood, the love I feel from my own mom. and the excitement I feel watching my son be loved by his grandmother–and I wish every woman who wants those experiences could have them. And I wish I myself could experience them as long as I want without worry that I will ever lose the people that matter the most.

I guess more than anything, Mother’s Day is a reminder to me to cherish what I have while I have it and to not take time or family or love for granted. It’s also, hopefully, a chance to maybe, possibly, hopefully sleep in a little (Drew?).

Happy Mother’s Day to those of you who are moms or moms-to-be. And to those who are hurting, know that you aren’t alone and you aren’t forgotten. Here’s to a wonderful weekend to all of you, wherever you are and whomever you’re spending it with.

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

Here’s Addie Pray’s boyfriend tormenting children again.

“My Wedding Hair” [via The New Yorker]

Hey, 80s babies: “Every Every Every Generation Has Been the Me Me Me Generation” [The Atlantic]

“Why I Froze My Eggs (And You Should, Too)” [via WSJ]

Apparently “pinterest stress” is a thing now. [via Today.com]

My brother Danny lost his virginity at age 25. To a call girl named Monique. Hired by our mother. “My Brother, My Mother, and a Call Girl” [via The Hairpin]

“My virginity mistake” [via Salon]

“How to Not Hate Dating” [via The Atlantic]

“Why dads pass on paid paternity leave” [via Market Watch]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

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It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

 
You don’t have to keep your baby. You can give it up for adoption and give it a chance to be raised in a loving and stable home with parents who truly want it.

 
There’s a difference between surviving and thriving, between existing and growing. If you want to thrive and grow and embrace a happy life, you need to love yourself enough to get out of this dead-end marriage. Take all the proof of infidelity you’ve saved, and go see a divorce attorney right away.

 
Start dating other people. Maybe you’ll meet someone else you like better and/or maybe your FWB will see that he’s in danger of losing you and decide to commit. Better yet, distance yourself from the FWB, let him get hurt, and love yourself enough to say, “So what! Better he gets hurt than continuing to hurt me.”

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

Today’s guest essay is written by Nicki Stapleton (honeybeenicki), who has previously shared her essays, “My Life as a Prison Wife” and “My Life as a Post-Prison Wife” on Dear Wendy.

When I was a kid, I loved going through the photo albums that lined our book shelf, looking at pictures of “young me,” as well as other people I knew. In one album were photos of this beautiful little dark-haired baby girl, often held by my mom. I was my mother’s only child and as blonde as blonde could get, so I knew that baby wasn’t me. When I asked my mom about the dark-haired girl from the photos, she told me her name was Jessica, that she was my sister whom my mother had at a very young age and that she had been given up for adoption. As a child — and now as an adult — I always had an insatiable thirst for information, so I had question upon question upon question for my mom, and she answered them as well as she could with what information she had and with what she believed I could understand.

My mother got pregnant at 15 and had Jessica a few months after she turned 16. She was able to keep her for a year before she had to make a very difficult decision to give her up for adoption so that Jessica could have the life she deserved. Both my mother’s parents had passed away prior to this and family support was not a viable option. It was hard for her, especially after having spent a year caring for Jessica, but she knew it was best.

Once I learned about Jessica, I knew that I wanted to meet her and have a sister relationship with her. But as I got older, I realized how unlikely that was. Even if she ever wanted to meet me, I was the child that my mother raised and she was the one who had been given up for adoption. Of course, I was born about five years later and my mom was married and stable and no longer a teenager, but how would Jessica know that? Would she understand? I always knew I at least wanted to try to find out.

As a teenager, I researched ways to track down siblings who were given up for adoption and I even registered on sites designed for adopted people to get in touch with their biological family members. I decided that no matter how much I wanted to find her, I wouldn’t actively try to. If she didn’t want to meet my mom or her biological family, that was her business and I had no right to interfere with that decision. But I still hoped that one day she would get in touch with us and I wanted to make it as easy as possible for her to find us.

We knew that when Jessica turned 18, she would at least be able to get information from the state regarding her birth parents if she was interested, but Jessica’s 18th birthday came and went with no contact. We knew when she turned 21, she’d be able to get even more information, but we still had no contact from her after her 21st birthday came and went. I thought about her all the time. I wondered where she was, what she was doing and how life was going for her, but I stuck to my decision to not actively seek her.

When Jessica was about 25 years old, mom got “The Call.” A representative from the state called to say that Jessica was trying to get information regarding her birth parents and wanted my mom’s permission to release the information. Mom had kept her information updated with the state in case this ever happened and told the representative it was fine to share it with Jessica. She knew that it was possible Jessica might never use the information, but she called me later, and through the tears, I heard her say something about Jessica trying to get in touch with her. My mother had carried Jessica for nine months, gave birth to her, and had taken care of her for over a year. However much I wanted to meet Jessica, I knew that my mom wanted it exponentially more.

After Jessica contacted my mom, they made a date to meet in person. I asked my mom if she wanted me to come with her, but she decided it was something she wanted to do on her own. She knew it was possible that this could be a one-time deal with no relationship developing between them. But when my mom called me from Jessica’s house just two hours away, she sounded so happy. She got to meet her daughter for the first time as an adult and her two grandchildren in the same day. She even decided to stay the night.

A few weeks later, I met Jessica for the first time. She was so amazing and welcoming, and we learned that we have a lot of things in common. We both love of horror movies – especially the B-rated ones – and we both love tattoos. We even both have a cat with wings tattooed on our right upper arm! Unlike the other half-siblings I have through my dad, I finally found the sister I could be close to. We just clicked.

Sure, there are things that we disagree on, like any sisters do. We have occasional moments of “What the hell is she thinking?” that I think stem from the different backgrounds we were raised in (she was raised in a strict Puerto Rican family — biologically speaking, she is half white and half Mexican — that hold different views towards family and male-female relationships than the family I was raised in). But on many things, we see eye-to-eye.

Jessica and her kids have always been part of our family, even before they knew they were. We found out after meeting her that the reason she did not try to contact us earlier was because she didn’t know that she was adopted. She has a sister who was also adopted, and her family chose not to tell them. They still choose to ignore the fact that she knows us and spends time with us, but that is their right. I know her mother is coming around a little bit and has expressed interest in meeting my mom, but for now we have all we need.

Things are not always been rosy and wonderful. Sometimes I feel like my mom gives Jessica special treatment because she feels guilty, which she’s pretty much admitted to me. She’ll occasionally loan money to Jessica and then hesitate about loaning me money simply because Jessica hasn’t paid her back yet. Sometimes I wonder how Jessica feels about me being “the one mom kept” but just by her actions as my sister, I don’t think she feels a lot of jealousy. She had a good childhood and has parents who love her greatly. And generally, we don’t let anything like that interfere with the relationships among the three of us.

We did an interview with a local organization highlighting adoption stories, in which my mom said that when I was a baby, my father was the one to get up with me in the middle of the night because she just couldn’t do it since I “wasn’t Jessica.” Luckily, that didn’t keep me from having an amazing relationship with my mom – just last year she bought a duplex with me and we are now permanent neighbors. She has always been a great mother to me and I couldn’t ask for a better parent. And with Jessica, I couldn’t ask for a better sister.

Our collective adoption story is admittedly unique. Usually when an adopted child finds his or her biological family, it does not turn out as happily as our situation. It’s been about seven years since Jessica came into our lives and I can barely remember life without her. My mom takes her kids about once a month to give her time to herself, we visit each other regularly, spend holidays together, and chat all the time. We had a lot of lost time to make up for, but now it’s like she’s always been around.

You say you’ve been dating Dan for about nine months but that, since January, he hasn’t wanted to do anything but lie around his house in the dark watching movies, which doesn’t interest you. Apparently, the first six months of your relationship were “amazing,” despite you going through a divorce which you say took a lot out of you. And now you say you want to “make a plan” with Dan but it’s frustrating because of his indecisiveness, and I can’t help wondering what in the world makes you think you or your relationship is ready for a “plan.” You’re complaining about Dan being indecisive as if that’s the only reason you can’t move forward. As if YOU are ready, you are decisive, you know this man and this relationship is what you want. And to that I say: Really?!?!

For most of your relationship, you were going through an exhausting divorce. For at least 1/3 of your relationship — the most recent 1/3 — Dan has been distant and moody. He doesn’t show any interest in meeting your family. He has no interest in pursuing activities you enjoy. It sounds like he doesn’t even want to leave the house with you, but would rather just spend all his time indoors. You, on the other hand, feel like you have a new lease on life now that you’re free of the ex-husband who dragged you down. You’re out there rock climbing, horseback riding, golfing, meeting new people–which is great! But you have this boyfriend who doesn’t want to do any of those things. So… why do you want to be with him? Why do you want to make a “plan” with someone who seems so ill-matched for you? Because he says you’re beautiful? Because he says he feels lucky to be with you? Honey, those are just meaningless words if there aren’t any actions to back them up.

I know it can feel lonely to be single, especially when you’re used to being in a relationship. But that’s not enough reason to stay with someone who doesn’t make you happy. And Dan? It doesn’t sound like he makes you happy. It sounds like he’s creating anxiety and anguish at time when you should be celebrating your freedom. You just got out of a bad marriage! Why not revel in that for a while? Enjoy dating around. Enjoy being single. Enjoy your independence!

This is not the time to let another man hurt you. This is the time to focus on yourself. Go to therapy. Get out all your anger over the way your ex-husband treated you. Do some soul-searching and think about what mistakes you were responsible for in your marriage and how you learn from them and do better going forward. Getting divorced sucks. It hurts, it’s painful, it’s lonely. You can’t avoid all that by jumping into a new relationship. All you do then is just sweep those feelings under a rug or shove them in a closet. But they’re still there. The mess will have to be dealt with eventually. So why not deal with it now so that you have a clean head space when you start your next relationship? Take at least six months for yourself and vow not to get serious with anyone. I promise you’ll be stronger for it and more likely to find a happy and lasting relationship.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

Two recent studies from two different countries suggest that women are more attracted to men when they’re holding a guitar. I, for one, do not discriminate, and if the man is, say, Ryan Gosling, I will be attracted to him whether he’s holding a guitar, a ukelele, or my gaze from across a crowded subway platform (What? Crazier things have happened! Drew would understand).

A study in France published just this week featured a 20-year-old man “previously evaluated as having a high level of physical attractiveness” who approached 300 women aged 18-22 in a French urban shopping district one Saturday afternoon. He introduced himself, told each woman he thought she was pretty, and then asked for her phone number. For a third of these encounters, he carried a guitar case, for another third, he held a gym bag, and the remaining third he was empty-handed.

Guess what? The guitar case was like a freakin’ aphrodisiac to these young French women. He scored numbers from 31% of them when he had the guitar in hand, compared to 14% when he had nothing, and a measly 9% when he was carrying the gym bag (sorry, muscle-heads).

In the other study, conducted last year in Israel, 100 single female college students received a Facebook friend request from a guy with the message, ‘Hey, what’s up? I like your photo.’ (I guess Israeli men aren’t any slicker than their American counterparts. “I like your photo”? Really? Anyway). Half the women saw an accompanying photo of a man holding a guitar and the other half saw a photo of the same man with no guitar.

And guess what? Guitars are a freakin’ aphrodisiac to young Israeli women too! While only 10% accepted the friend request from the guy with no guitar, 28% said, “Hell yeah” to the same guy when he was pictured with his guitar.

The researchers scratched their heads, trying to figure out why women would be more attracted to guitar-wielders, hypothesizing that music is strongly related to mating, that music ability is linked to physical and intellectual abilities — clearly the researchers haven’t watched the Grammys in recent years… — a strong work ethic, willingness to practice, and finally, linking musicality to prenatal exposure to testosterone, which, apparently, is a signal for male fertilizing ability.

Hey, researchers, lemme help you out: musicians are sexy. The way they hold their instruments? Makes women imagine how they’d handle … well, their instruments, their bodies. The way they sorta close their eyes when they get all into their playing? Hot. Unless they’re John Mayer, in which case, not hot, just icky. But, you get what I’m saying. This isn’t some big mystery.

What IS mysterious though is that men don’t seem to be turned on by musicians of the opposite sex the same way women are. When the researchers conducted a similar experiment using the Facebook profile of a woman, the presence of a guitar in her photo made no difference in how the male subjects responded to her. I’d love to know how they might respond to a photo of a woman holding a brownie.

[via Pacific Standard]

This week in the forums, we’re discussing:

My Sister Is Getting A Boob Job

Call for Wedding-Related Questions

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

Yes, you’re being too hasty! My God, you’ve only been dating this guy five months. That’s barely enough time to have introduced your son to him, let alone for you to all get to know each other and imagine forming a family together. I mean, no wonder your boyfriend isn’t ready to say, “Sure, I’ll move in with you and help you raise your son!” And it’s not like your boyfriend said he didn’t want another child in his life. He said he wasn’t sure. He said he needed time to figure it out. And because you’re so afraid of being hurt again, you’re willing to throw away what you describe as an almost perfect relationship because your boyfriend, after just a few months, isn’t ready to commit to raising another man’s child 50% of the time? Really??

Look, if you were writing to me saying you wanted to have another kid and the guy you were with was adamantly opposed to being a father, that would be one thing. But you aren’t saying that. And at your age, I have to assume that isn’t a likely scenario anyway. This is a question of whether your boyfriend of a few months can picture himself as a father figure to another child — a child who already exists. A child who isn’t his. And regardless of what the nature of your custody is, your boyfriend, if he moved in with you, WOULD be a father figure. Maybe it wouldn’t be as traditional as a full-time dad, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have an extraordinary amount of responsibility. And it wouldn’t mean that your custody arrangement wouldn’t or couldn’t change at some point. What if something happened to your ex-husband? What if something happened to your ex-husband AND you? Asking a man to even think about moving in with your “packaged deal,” let alone give you an answer right now about whether he’ll be ready for that in two years IS hasty. And it’s unfair.

What’s the rush? Why do you have to have all the answers today? Why can’t you give it another six months or so and let him get to know your son better — hell, let him get to know YOU better? Unless you’re racing against the ticking biological clock, you can afford to be relaxed about your timeline. Especially if either of your divorces is fairly recent, it makes sense to slow down. Especially when you have three children between you — one who’s only five! — it makes sense to slow down. And when you say things like you have a child from your “last marriage,” it sounds like you’ve had more than one marriage, which would also indicate that, at 41, you’ve had a history of moving quickly and perhaps making hasty decisions.

As Simon and Garfunkel said, “Slow down, you move too fast.” And stop having serious discussions, like whether you should end your relationship because your boyfriend doesn’t want to raise your son, over freakin’ text messages!! You’re 41, not 15. Put the phone down and have a grown-up conversation face-to-face. You say you don’t want to wait for a “yes or no” from your boyfriend, but if you want a healthy relationship that’s exactly what you have to do. You have to wait and get to know each other. You have to wait and see how your relationship continues to develop. You have to wait and see how your son responds to this man. Yes, you have to WAIT. And, yes, you may end up getting hurt. But moving too quickly and making hasty decisions hasn’t really worked for you this far, right? So try it another way. Try slowing down and thinking things through and really getting to know someone before talking life-long commitment. If that’s too much of a risk for you to take — putting your heart on the line only to be hurt months down the line — then you aren’t ready to date yet and you sure as shit aren’t ready to be introducing your son to new boyfriends. Think about it: if YOU can’t handle the idea of bonding with a man only to be let down when it ends, how do you think your son is going to deal with it?

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You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Ready to Tell,” the grad student who wondered whether she should confess her feelings for a fellow classmate she’d become good friends with despite the fact that he had a girlfriend (and she didn’t want to ruin their friendship). Keep reading to see whether she told him how she felt.

 
Thank you for the update. Glad to hear things have worked out well. Just a word of caution though: I know you said that you go out of your way to make sure Pat knows he’s a priority, especially when the three of you are together, but you may need to accept that a friendship with a guy who probably has feelings for you — and whom you once nursed a crush on — probably won’t (and maybe shouldn’t) retain the closeness it had in the past if you want to have a healthy and happy relationship with your boyfriend. But if you can figure out how to make it work with no one getting hurt, good for you.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

Here’s a picture of where Drew and I spent a wonderful, relaxing 46 hours this weekend. Just 75 miles or so north of Manhattan (I’d call it “upstate,” but people who really live upstate would probably laugh), this serene spot is home to an old Victorian mansion-turned inn, a spa, a farm, and a delicious restaurant. The food there was off the hook and I ended up gaining back the four+ pounds I’d lost over the last couple of weeks. All we did was eat and sleep and lounge around; it was awesome.

If you have small kids and have never gone away without them, I highly recommend doing so. I felt a little guilty, especially when I heard that Jackson was crying out, “Mommy! Mommy!” every time he came home from being outside and about and realized I was still gone (oh, the guilt!), and Drew thought it was especially hard to leave him behind. But it was worth it. It’s worth it to have a day or two to enjoy your partner’s company without the distraction of a kid who needs endless attention. It’s worth it to just shut off the parent-side of you a little bit and escape in your own daydreams or a good book (I started reading Life After Life, which I’m really enjoying), a whole entire newspaper, and an entire meal in which you do not have to pick up food that fell out of your child’s mouth all over the floor.

I will say, though, that we were so… what’s the word, wound-up, like two people who hadn’t been out in public in years and had forgotten how to behave like civilized people, that our waiter actually advised us to slow down and chill the fuck out (well, he didn’t say “fuck,” but he may as well have the way he was looking at us like we were barnyard animals). It was our second night at the restaurant. The first night, I was so excited to just be out of the city and have two whole days to relax and stuff my face, that I could not eat fast enough. It was like, the faster I ate, the more fun I could stuff into my weekend. So I was just shoveling food in my face like I hadn’t eaten in weeks. I ate so much, so quickly, that I literally had to leave the restaurant before we paid and go lie down, leaving Drew alone to finish his meal. I mean, one minute, I was all, “Oh my god, this steak, these potatoes, this bread! This margarita! NOM NOM NOM.” And then next minute, I was clutching my stomach, unable to sit upright a second longer or I was going to explode. And then I ran out of the restaurant like a maniac and fell face-first on the bed where I passed out until Drew woke me up 15 minutes later to take out my contacts. So much for a romantic evening.

The next night, after a relaxing day walking the grounds, and sitting in the sauna, and taking naps and a long, warm bubble bath, I was a little more together, but our dinner waiter — the same waiter we’d had the evening before — still felt the need to advise me — both of us, actually — to relax, slow down, and you know, chew our food. It was good advice, too. I even managed to finish dinner and dessert without planting my face in my food.

Here are a couple photos of Drew and me on our second night, after a whole day of doing nothing, celebrating seven years together. If you squint, you can even still see traces of those crazy kids we were the night we met. People probably wanted to advise us to slow down then, too, but I’m glad we did it our own way.

And just for fun, here’s a new favorite of Jackson, taken while we were away. See? He survived, and he looks like he’s even having a pretty good time. Despite being scarred for life because his mommy wasn’t home when he got back. The guilt!

Yes, the difference between how your parents treat you and your brother probably does have something to do with gender. It probably also has something to do with you being younger — the “baby” of the family. It may have something to do with behavioral differences between you and your brother. It probably has something to do with you having never left home, so the distinction between teenage-you and grownup-you isn’t as clear. Oh, but wait. YOU STILL ARE A TEENAGER. And you still live at home. And your parents probably still pay most of your living expenses. So, as unfair as it may seem that you don’t get as much freedom as your brother, suck it up and deal with it.

Until you can afford to move out and live on your own, you have to put up with rules and restrictions of the people who pay your way. Sure, maybe it’s unfair, but trust me, this will be one of the easier examples of life being unfair that you’ll have to deal with in your lifetime. What’s more, you don’t say in your letter that your parents don’t let you go away with your boyfriend, only that it’s a “big deal.” You know what I say to that? BIG DEAL. So maybe you have to do a bit more convincing than your brother ever had to. Maybe they enforce conditions you don’t like — a curfew, for example, or no overnight at your boyfriend’s place. Again, if this is your biggest complaint when you get free room and board and maybe even help with tuition — so much more than many people get — just suck it up and deal.

In a few years, you’ll have more freedom, and with it much, much more responsibility and a whole butt-load of crap that’s way more unfair than having to ask permission to spend a day with your boyfriend. Try to embrace what you have now before you blink and it’s gone and you’re 27 and heartbroken cause you just got dumped and even the sight of an envelope in the mail sends you into panic-mode because you’re afraid it’s a bill and the last time you checked you had $118 in your bank account and you don’t get paid for another ten days and there’s nothing in your kitchen but a half-empty box of stale Wheat Thins and a couple bottles of Miller Lite. Life gets hard. You can’t blame your parents for wanting to protect their baby from some of its hard realities just a little bit longer.

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You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

I had my first date with Drew on May 5th, 2006. We hadn’t met in person yet, but we had been emailing back and forth for two weeks since our mutual friend, Meg, called Drew up and told him I’d be visiting NYC and asked if he might like to show me around. From his emails I knew he was funny, liked baseball and movies, knew how to sew a hem, and had grown up in Manhattan. I didn’t know what he looked like save for a teeny photo I was able to find when I Googled him. And he didn’t really know what I looked like either.

On our first date, I wore: an apple green, knee-length corduroy skirt, a navy blue tank top with a sequin sunburst pattern, a brown leather belt, and green wedges (I still have the outfit packed in a storage container under our bed. It doesn’t fit anymore and I don’t really know why I’m saving it except that it feels wrong not to). I took the Q train from Astoria, where I saw staying with friends, to Soho. It was the first time I rode the subway alone. I walked up the stairs from the platform to Prince street and saw the back of Drew and knew it was him. He turned around and I smiled.

He was nervous, which I pointed out to him several times on our walk to the sushi restaurant he couldn’t seem to remember how to get to, which I’m sure he appreciated.

“You seem nervous!” I said, cheerfully. And then I asked him if he was crazy too.
He told me he was.

By the time we finally got to the restaurant, I’d decided it really wasn’t a love connection, despite how much I liked him over email. Our chemistry was off, I thought, and I didn’t like how nervous he seemed. Did he not like me? Why didn’t he seem more excited to be with me?

Over dinner, though, my feelings changed. He had funny stories and he made me laugh. And he remembered a lot of what I’d shared in emails, which I appreciated. And he had really kind eyes and made me feel comfortable.

We had a great time together and the next afternoon he asked if I’d like to go out again. We had brunch the next morning — the first time he ever went out for brunch, he said — and then walked to Washington Square Park where we sat on a bench and people-watched for an hour or two. There was an old couple on the bench next to us and for a passing moment, I imagined us as an old couple one day sitting on a bench watching the time go by.

It seemed crazy, imagining us together like that. We’d only just met. We lived in different cities. I had a life in Chicago, he had a life in New York. And yet, there was something about him that felt like home to me.

It’s been seven years since that weekend we met, and Drew still feels like home.

This weekend we’re taking out first trip alone together since Jackson was born. It’s just two nights away, but we’ve been counting down the days for weeks. We’re going to celebrate seven years together, and all that we still look forward to.

Happy weekend to all of you (especially to my mom who celebrates a birthday on Sunday and to theattack who’s gettin’ hitched!).

Here are a few things from around the web that may interest you:

“Relationship Contracts Growing In Popularity With Married And Unmarried Couples” [via CBS]

“The 13 Creepiest Things A Child Has Ever Said To A Parent” [via Buzzfeed]

“How To Make Friends When You’re ‘Old’” [via Jezebel]

“Millennial medium chill: What the screwed generation can teach us about happiness” [via Grist]

“Today’s teens more materialistic, less likely to work hard, study says” [via Today]

“Yes, I Really Am Bisexual. Deal With It.” [via NYTimes]

Should you google your new love interest, or hold off? And what if they google you first? [via The Morning News]

“Bake-at-Home Babies: Embryo Adoption and Me” [via The Hairpin]

“What I’ve Discovered as the Mother of Biracial Kids” [via HuffPo]

Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks!

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.

 
It’s fine to pray to God, but not at the exclusion of actually taking some control and responsibility of your own life. And that starts with figuring out how you want to proceed with your pregnancy, assuming the guy “you’re pregnant for” is an irresponsible tool who doesn’t take anything seriously and doesn’t plan to stick around to help you in any meaningful way. Are you prepared to raise a child on your own? If not, you better decide whether you want to terminate your pregnancy or find adoptive parents.

 
You’ve been together a year and you’ve only mentioned your desire to meet his family ONCE? I think you could probably mention it a few more times before you risk putting the pressure on and losing this guy, and, if not, then there probably isn’t the kind of potential here that you’re hoping for.

 
You’ve invested 20 years already. What would a few more months hurt? If your husband is finally ready to go to counseling — go. If it doesn’t work out, you can leave the marriage knowing you at least gave it one last-ditch effort to save it.

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You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Incredulous in Oregon” who was thinking of buying a house and wondered why her boyfriend was so resistant to the idea of moving in with her as her tenant. She updated once before, and now has a new update.

 
Thanks for the great update and happy anniversary! Here’s to many more together, and at least one non-hypothetical baby whose name you can argue over.

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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.