This isn’t so much an update from “Meeting his Grown Daughters at a Shower,” the woman whose boyfriend of a year refused to introduce her to his grown daughters, as it is more of a follow-up question. As a refresher: The LW is good friends with her boyfriend’s sister. The sister invited her to a bridal shower for her daughter. The LW feels funny about going because her boyfriend’s daughters will also be there and she hasn’t been introduced to them yet. Now the shower is less than two weeks away and the LW is freaking out about going. Read on:
I just thought today…WHY am I going to this shower? What, if anything, do I need to prove? I’m looking at my subconscious reasons for going. Maybe I’m curious to meet his daughters…maybe I just want to feel like I’m part of a family. But, I’m getting “cold feet” and was going to tell Dan this week that I’m declining the invitation. I will have to be “on” while I’m there, plus, I found out that I will know some of his cousins there whom I met with him and they will surely spread the word about my being Dan’s girlfriend…
Also! I found out by asking what the wedding attire is that he will be wearing a tux because he will be IN the wedding party, walking his 86-year-old mother down the aisle. So, great — now I’m alone once again at the wedding. I guess what doesn’t kill us down makes us stronger… Anyway, I asked WHY he didn’t bother to tell me he was in the wedding party. Again, I felt insignificant. Am I making too much of deal out of this? I’m requesting your wise coaching, as I struggle to do the “right thing,” “please everyone,” “be accepted,” and HONOR myself. — Feeling Insignificant
Yeah, you’re making way too much of a big deal out of this. I mean, you sound on the verge of a nervous breakdown … over, what? A bridal shower and a wedding? That isn’t even yours? You’re talking about “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” in reference to sitting alone at a wedding for a few minutes while your boyfriend walks his mother down the aisle? It’s a little… much. But you know as well as I that this isn’t about a bridal shower and this isn’t about a wedding; this is about you feeling, as you said, insignificant in your relationship. You have shared your feelings with Dan about how awkward you feel being put in the position of meeting his daughters outside the context of meeting them as his girlfriend, and he’s done nothing to help rectify that. He hasn’t included you in wedding plans that affect him (and you). And you say you don’t even feel like his girlfriend anymore.
So, you know what? You should probably break up with him. I don’t even understand why you’re still with him. What are you getting out of this relationship other than a bunch of angst (and a near-heart attack, it sounds like)? Maybe you’ve gotten so wrapped up in the hope that things will improve that you can’t see the forest for the trees. This man just doesn’t seem to care that much about you. MOA.
And since things were already going to be so awkward for you at this shower and the wedding, to the point that you’re hyperventilating two weeks in advance at the mere thought of attending, I say sit it out. Julia has already told you she understands. Call her up, update your RSVP to no, tell her how sorry you are to miss it but that, given the issues you’ve been having with her brother and how awkward you feel about meeting his daughters under the current circumstances, you think it’s best for everyone if you skip the shower. And then, run yourself a warm bath, make yourself a cup of tea or pour yourself a glass of wine, and try to chill out. I think you’re going to feel much, much better when you clear your life of this emotionally-draining man and refocus your energy on yourself, your well-being, and your happiness. In the meantime: deep breaths. This is seriously not worth passing out over.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.