Never done this before. I tend to stay away from ask-people-on-the-internet-their-opinion because situations (as evidenced by so so many letter updates!) are nuanced and complicated. But I’m really lost right now. I’m doing this under my regular name because some of you know a bit about me. Maybe that will be helpful. I don’t know.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7.5 years. We’ve always been madly in love. Seriously. I love the fuck out of that man. He’s brilliant and funny and kind and we know each other better than anyone else. We were young when we met (19 and 21) and have broken up (briefly) a few times. The last time was over three years ago. We moved in together about 6 months after we got back together. Hope that timeline is clear enough.
We’ve always had certain issues. Some of it has to do with our attachment styles (my mom abandoned and psychologically abused me- she’s mentally ill) and his mom has always leaned on him HEAVILY emotionally and financially (I think she’s mentally ill as well) and physically and emotionally abused him growing up (a few exs: punched him in the face when he was 8, threw a chair at him another time, refused to let him attend his father’s wedding when he was 13, etc.).
I need closeness and he needs space to deal with issues. It’s pretty basic and it leads to cyclical bouts of extreme happiness and misery. I started going to therapy about two years ago to get myself emotionally even and deal with some trauma. It helped me grow tremendously. I’m far more independent, confident in my own skin, and happy. Buuut (there’s always a but isn’t there?) he would never fully commit to me. I’m talking marriage, but it’s also stuff with money, and not including me in big decisions. He can be really distant to the point where it feels punitive. We can talk for hours about politics, and religion and writing and other intellectual stuff, but when it comes to “us” we’re absolutely shitty at communicating our needs. He is way way worse than I am. My emotions, for the most part, are on my sleeve.
After a while it became clear to me that he was never going to open up without dealing with his issues, and I suggested therapy. He was against it at first, but eventually started going (sporadically) about 6 months ago. About 2 months into it his therapist was telling him to break up with me (I asked him bc he was acting weird out of the blue; he wasn’t being cruel). I found this… strange. Unless he was depicting our relationship as toxic and abusive (it’s not) I can’t imagine how she wouldn’t be working through his basic communication issues and why he doesn’t feel safe being open and honest with *anyone*. Instead she just told him to end it after only a handful of sessions. I found this highly unusual and asked him very specifically how she said it, and if she “led” him to it. He said she sometimes leads him to it, but often outright tells him to dump me because we’re unhealthy and he’s unhappy. Two months and she’s telling him to throw away a 7+ years relationship where our lives are very much intertwined without ever having even met me? In over two years my therapist has never ever given me such direct advice. He’s been to a session with me btw.
This is how he’s been putting it to me in the past few months: he loves me, but not our relationship. I agree with him. There are many wonderful things about us, but we just don’t operate the same way. Our day-to-day life has become cold and miserable. My head tells me we should probably end it, but my head is pretty garbled right now. My heart can never imagine not being with him. I cannot overemphasize how much I love this man. Is this just a case of people who love each other being incompatible? Or just not at the right stage in life? I am absolutely sick over this. Idk what I’m asking, just… help.
