7+ years and on the verge of breaking up

Things are going really well, actually. I haven’t updated because I’m in the middle of a really big personal transformation. There is literally no way of saying that without it sounding cheesy, so here goes… I feel like a completely different person from when I first posted this thread, and frankly, it’s fucking awesome. I faced some serious demons that had been weighing on me since as long as I can remember. I just didn’t have a name for it; it felt like a swirling vortex of fear in my stomach and it was running my whole life. A lot of it I understood intellectually, but it wasn’t until I was faced with my biggest fear (being left = I’m unlovable), that I was able to internalize it. Timing is everything, right? Once that weight left me it was as if everything around me became clear- with my job, my friends, my goals, my boyfriend, and my place in the world. It was like I’d spent my entire life burying my scary emotions, and when they finally got out, it turned out they weren’t so scary after all. I’ve spent that past week and half feeling like I could take on the world.

As for how things are going with my guy, we’re just letting things float right now. He and I are both going through big personal changes, and they are all for the better. We’ve decided to take it day by day, and so far that is working out wonderfully. We’re taking all this very slowly and not making any big decisions. I feel like I’m just getting to know myself for the first time. So we’re giving each other space to explore our own stuff. I went away with some friends this weekend and it was so restorative. I went for a run and then meditated on the beach at dawn like a weirdo and didn’t feel weird about it. I danced to terrible Jersey Shore music all night and just let myself rock the fuck out. I laughed. A lot. I know everything is going to be ok- no matter what happens to my relationship. I’m going to be more than ok. I know it in my bones in a way I’ve never felt before and it makes me so excited that I can’t put it into words.

If anything big happens, I’ll be sure to update you all. Right now just know that I feel happier and healthier than I ever have in my life. Thanks to you all for listening and supporting me through this. I wouldn’t have come to such a place without that support.

Oh it wasn’t about being alone on the beach- it was about meditating in public and not feeling silly for it. I used to not be able to shut my mind off, wondering if I look ridiculous, or if someone would walk by without me noticing (that’s prob also a result of living in Manhattan; it puts you one edge 24/7). I felt so incredibly grateful to be rid of that self-consciousness. It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but for me that was a big step.