There are a lot of details I’ll have to leave out due to space. First he and I had an awesome relationship, trustworthy, awesome sex, great support etc. He proposed, I accepted. He came over two nights later and was completely giddy with the idea of the future (our future), seemed very happy. So much so he kept coming back to kiss etc after he would leave that night.
The next morning he called to tell me his mother was excited, but he had not told his dad yet. (FYI dad likes me and mom does as well) Called around lunch time to tell me that when I got off work we needed to talk. I knew what that meant so I said let’s talk now I’ll meet you at my place. He agreed.
Skip to the talk, he broke the engagement off and the entire time he was hysterically crying. He kept saying he didn’t know how he felt and he had nothing to offer etc. Then he decided to say he only liked me as a friend. He was flipping out. I was calm and told him that the real question here is if he wanted to be with me or not, and after that we can take it one day at time etc, that we don’t need to get married or engaged etc. He said he wanted to stay together and once he was calmed down enough he left to go to work. We spoke later that night over the phone and once again he was hysterically crying, saying he was stressed (his family pretty much has him as a slave, he has school and work and really it is too much), he then said again he didn’t know how he felt and he couldn’t ask me to wait etc. That he likes me only as a friend (this I know is a lie), so I said okay. I told him I wished him the best and should he need any help with school (tests) etc he could call me.
We have seen each other several times since and things are civil and he keeps trying to make conversation. I finally asked if he could come get his things, he kept pushing it back but finally came this week. When he came over he seemed rather regretful and a bit somber. He wanted a hug and he informed me that he had a Christmas present for me (I know this purchased after the break up because the night before we broke up he had mentioned what he maybe should get me) He also asked when I was moving, I explained it may be three-six weeks. He got a little sad but pulled it together.
He called me last night and talked for a half hour about his schooling and future plans etc. He slipped once and said we but corrected it to I. He also informed me that while I am traveling I should come visit him in his country when he moves back. That he will be my tour guide. He spoke with me the following day in person (we have to see each other almost everyday due to work issues etc), his topic of discussion was interesting. He decided to tell me about a conversation he had with his cousin about living with someone before you get married. That that’s really the only way you get to know someone, and do we do that here in America. He proceeded to ask about my new workout partner (who is male and looks somewhat like Ryan Reynolds), after that he then asked my ex and I’s break up. He wanted to know if my ex ever tried to come back and if I had forgiven him etc. We were then interrupted and I had to go.
We have texted a few times (helping him with his test) and he asked how my jog went with the new work out partner. I only said I ran the entire time so I was getting better at it. While I’m glad this is all civil and nice, I’m not sure if he is trying to keep things peaceful so when he gets his crap together he can see if we can work out, or if he really can just turn off his emotions and be just friends etc. Any advice please?
I found the story a little convoluted. But, a quick question: how do you feel about everything? I find it interesting that you don’t really mention your emotions much during your telling of the story. If a guy proposed to me and then ‘revoked’ the proposal after I accepted, I think I would be absolutely devastated. The way you should handle things now entirely depends on how you want things to work out. Do you want to get back together? Be friends? Never see him again? My opinion is that you should distance yourself from him to focus on your needs instead of spending time analyzing everything he does. I would also not advise getting back together: it sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants, and that does not make a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
I got a little confused at the end too. I know that since he proposed to you and was excited about it, you are probably inclined to discredit everything he says about his feelings about you, or lack thereof, and his apparent problems with the relationship. It also sounds like you’re trying to imply that he wants to get back together or that his crazy behavior means that there’s something else going on with him. Any of that may be true, but I think it’s best to take things at face value. If he has feelings that he’s hiding or lying about, it’s his job to tell you. It’s not your job to dig around until you find out what he’s REALLY thinking. I think you should cut off contact with him for a while, so you can clear your head. Continuing to talk to him all the time, especially in a complex situation like this, is only going to make it feel like you never broke up. If it turns out he was being crazy and realizes that he didn’t want to break up, you can deal with that if and when that happens, but there’s no point in addressing something that hasn’t been brought up yet.
While I can not follow this for the life of me other than that he broke of the engagement, I think my advice would stay the same. If a guy says he does not want to be with you- he does not want to be with you. End of story. He isn’t playing games or keeping you on the back burner or any crazy thing us women make up in our minds. If he says he doesn’t want to be with you, he doesn’t want to be with you.
Forget about what he wants or doesn’t want or is feeling or is not feeling right now. What do YOU want? How do you feel about all of this? I do think it would be wise to take some time and distance to sort through your own emotions. When there is uncertainty with the other party in a relationship it can be so easy to get caught up in wondering what the other party is thinking or feeling that we can forget to take time to examine what we think or feel. So I guess the first thing to do is to take some time to figure out your own feelings beyond the knee-jerk “Breakups f-ing HURT, come back and kiss-make-better!” I do think that relationships can work if you break up and get back together, but I think that there has to be some time and distance in there in order to work out the relationship issues and be able to talk it through.
And look, it’s easy to pin this on maybe his parents disapproving or meddling because then it’s this outside force and not him. But it is him. It’s him who can’t seem to have a rational conversation with you about this (Like, “I’m starting to feel really weird about all of this engagement stuff. Like maybe it’s too soon. Some people live together before marriage, and maybe I’d like to do that. Thoughts?”) So look, I don’t think any of us can tell you what’s wrong with the man. Maybe it’s cold feet, maybe it’s a family issue, maybe it’s a maturity issue, maybe it’s all of the above. But we can’t know and you can’t know unless you give some thought to what you want and need and then sit down and discuss it with him.
Thank you both for the advice.Sorry for the convolution
My emotions were in the devestated arena, but I know what I am worth and if he cant see that well its his loss. I cant sit around depressed and sad. I will start cutting off contact as much as poasible. Plus I am moving in a month so it should resolve itself totally then.
I agree with Desiree – that it is odd that you don’t mention what YOU want. He might be a flake, he might want to keep his options open – but who cares at this point? It really is about what YOU want for yourself. Why do you want to keep things civil? Why do you want him still in your life if he doesn’t want to be with you? Do you want him as a friend?
You don’t mention your ages or how long you were together and perhaps that might account for his behaviour but I think you really need to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling over your break-up. I find it hard to believe you can go from happily engaged to politely civil and be totally fine with that. Aren’t you mad? Disappointed? Sad? You can act on those feelings. You don’t have to be stoic in the hopes that he will change his mind or come around. This is a man that broke up with you after asking you to marry him – for no apparent reason. Take time for you so you can figure out what is best for you to do going forward. And I agree with Lindsay and Desiree – take that time away from him to do it.
The phrase “erratic behavior” says it all. If you invite someone like that to be an ongoing part of your life, then your emotional life will be tied forever to his erratic behavior. The fact that he was willing to immediately undo his promise to spend his entire life with you means his promise did not mean anything much to him. Would you expect his next promise to mean more?
I’m going to respectfully disagree with the posters who asked you what you want. In lots of cases, that’s the correct question. In this case, if you do want to be with him, I would suggest you take a good look at what life is going to be like. The only happy ending I can see is if you move on with your life and be happy.
Talk about dick-moves. Sounds to me like he got in over his head. Or, he pulled a stunt, and then pulled the rug out from under you in an attempt to control you. Asking you to marry him was his plan to keep you from moving, when you didn’t stop your plan to move, he rescinded his proposal and is now pulling his “erratic behavior” in order to make you feel guilty and wonder if he’s going off the deep end and worry that he may need psychiatric help (therefore cancelling your move and stay in town to keep an eye on him).
It’s time to have no more than a professional relationship with him. He wants to be “friends”. Fine… business friends only. That was his decision and it’s time to hold him to that decision. Tough titty if he can’t handle that.
Thank you for all the advice, I greatly appreciate it.