August 8, 2012 at 8:41 am #36069
So this is such a supportive community, and I think I just need a little advice and perspective. My bridal shower and bachelorette party are this weekend. As of last week, I had about twelve girls going to my bachelorette party, including my four closest friends. I was ecstatic and really looking forward to a fun evening out with all of my friends. My maid of honor and I bought tee shirts for everyone, booked hotel rooms, and planned a great dinner. Then, literally within the last 24 hours, I had almost all of them cancel, including 2 of the 4 people I really wanted to be there. Most were for completely legit reasons (illness, job loss) but a few people didn’t even give a reason or flat out lied. I’m feeling a bit crushed.
I feel like I’ve been a great friend and bride. I’ve taken flights and vacation time to be there for showers, bachelorettes, birthdays, births, etc. I always keep in touch and plan activities. I’m supportive in any way I can be. I’ve kept the wedding talk to a minimum, asked very little in terms of time or money from my bridesmaids, helped the ones who needed it pay for their dresses, and tried to be a good person and friend. My very best friend of 20 years has had some pretty tough things happen to her recently, and she told me a few weeks ago (about 4 months before the wedding) that not only could she not be my maid of honor, but she probably wouldn’t even be coming to the wedding. I told her that I was sad, but I completely understood and that I knew it wasn’t at all a reflection of our friendship, and how much I loved her and wanted things to work out for her. She promised me she would be at the shower and bachelorette, but then cancelled this week. I think that’s what is stinging the most, even though I know she didn’t do it to hurt me.
I’ve never had a ton of girlfriends, just one or two from each era of my life: childhood, college, post college, professional, and I was so, so excited to have all of them together with me. We planned this huge bash expecting all these people, and now I feel like I can’t even look the people who helped me plan it in the eye. I had to call and cancel/downsize everything, and I guess I’m just feeling sort of hurt and bewildered. If I had known a few weeks ago that this would happen, we could have rescheduled or changed plans, but now I’m locked into this big night out at the bars with the sash and crown and…four people. I feel like I’ll look ridiculous, and I’ve let the people down who are spending a lot of time and effort to come and are expecting a big, fun party.
I know logically that this is not true, that the people who are coming won’t care and only want me to have fun, and that I should be very, very grateful for the amazing people in my life who are making a showing. I get that, I just can’t help feeling sad. This was the only “wedding” activity I really wanted and asked people to come through for, and it just hasn’t happened. Mostly it’s just because of bad timing and circumstances, and I’ve realized as a result there are a few friendships I need to reevaluate, but I can’t help feeling like I’m going to look like an idiot with no friends. It doesn’t help that weddings seem to come with all these expectations of OMG THE BEST PARTY EVER, or THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE, so I don’t know if part of the reason I’m feeling so disappointed is because I built this up to be more than just a night out?
Anyway, sorry to be a Debbie downer! I’m just looking for anyone whose had a similar experience, and how they made the best of it. Or some words of advice on how to get past this and be positive about it again. Thanks ladies!August 8, 2012 at 8:49 am #36070
Can you postpone? If a bunch of the girls had legit reasons come up (work, illness) then reschedule!!
And the one’s who lied to get out of it suck. Plain and simple. They are bad friends.August 8, 2012 at 9:05 am #36073
When I had my bachelorette party last year, only 3 friends were able to show up. Initially, I was also a little disappointed as I was really looking forward to spending time with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while, and in a smaller setting since I knew seeing them a lot at my wedding would probably be next to impossible. It ended up being a lot of fun, though. We had shirts, I wore the sash, we went to dinner, and then we went bowling. It was not the traditional bachelorette party, but it was a blast! I got hang out with a friend I rarely see in a MUCH smaller setting and I think we really re-connected. It was just super low key night. I got a little tipsy and bowled last in our group, but I had so much fun. Really, bachelorette parties are what you make of them. Be grateful that the friends who are coming are able to make it and look at it more like a better opportunity to connect with them rather than lamenting the absence of everyone else. Not everyone enjoys these kinds of events, or, like you said, they had very valid reasons for not coming, but either way, there is nothing you can do about those people. Just be happy that those that are coming will be there. It will be fun as long as you enjoy yourself.August 8, 2012 at 9:23 am #36074
I had something similar happen when my best friend asked if she could just come to me ceremony and not my reception as she had a family wedding the same day. I am still a little hurt but don’t want to be a bridezilla about it! She will be traveling from across the country so I get that she’d like to see family as well since she is not in the area that often. Its just a bit akward because I offered to help pay for her flight ect.
My advice is focus on the happy and in the fact that you’re getting married to someone I am assuming makes you very happy! But I feel your pain, it is hard to not set your expectations high for something like this!August 8, 2012 at 9:30 am #36076
Awww… I’m so sorry this happened to you! I had a bunch of people bail on my wedding at the last minute (with a totally valid excuse- a natural disaster), so I know how it feels. I feel like I would have done anything necessary to be at my best friend’s bachelorette/shower/wedding, so I understand the disappointment when other people don’t do the same for you.
It sucks, but some people will use any excuse to bail on plans- they see it as too much effort to go, or dont’ want to spend the money or whatever. It sounds like you were being really reasonable about all of it, too. It’s not like you were asking these girls to go to Vegas for the weekend or something!
I had a “bachelorette dinner”- Just 4 of us, then we went to a gay bar, and it was awesome! It was nice to get to really spend time with each of the people there. Try to think of it that way- if there were 12 girls there you wouldn’t really get to spend good 1 on 1 time with them, but now you have the chance to do so.August 8, 2012 at 9:47 am #36079
i understand, but i do really think you should be focusing on the wedding and your impending marriage much more then who canceled on your bacchelorette party… and, you will not look stupid with “only” 4 people with you… that is just your own insecurities at play.
if you were really excited about seeing all those ladies all at once, then why not just plan that another time when it works better for everyone?August 8, 2012 at 9:54 am #36080
you’re right it does suck. it sucks when you get all excited about something and it kind of falls to pieces around you.
but try and focus on the happy things. you have 4 friends who are coming out to celebrate you! you will probably get free drinks and a lot of high fives and smiles while you’re celebrating. enjoy the people who will be there. the best bachelorette parties i have been to were small. you get to actually talk to each other and you get more champagne if you get a free bottle!(even if it’s cheap and not that great it’s fun! )August 8, 2012 at 11:27 am #36100
The same thing happened to me. I told people about it before any invites to the bachelorette party went out and confirmed what weekends would be good. However, once the invitations went out (sent by my amazing friend!) we got virtually ALL “no” RSVP’s. I was pretty sad because I wanted all my friends from each of my walks of life to meet, but it turns out people forgot during conversation that they had other things (and we had some shady excuses, but I was also expecting them from those people).
It ended up being absolutely fabulous with the smaller group, because we didn’t worry about babysitting drunk people or having the stress of keeping a huge group together. I also didn’t have to stress that they wouldn’t get along. My only rule was no penises everywhere, no peen cake, no peen straws, no pin the peen on the dude games. Don’t get me wrong, I love penises, but I just didn’t want them all over the place. I tried to get away with no tiara, but was overruled on that one.
I know you were looking forward to it and you had these great expectations for it, and now you’re feeling let down. It does suck for that to happen, and as long as you don’t hold a grudge against those people who canceled (although be wary in the future of the ones who lied) you’re perfectly within reason to be bummed. It’s okay to feel bummed, you were excited about something and it didn’t work out! Just adjust your expectations, keep your chin up and don’t dwell on it (not that you would!) and realize that the people who are with you all love you and want to celebrate you and this happy moment in your life!August 8, 2012 at 11:56 am #36109
For all of those who are suggesting that she just reschedule, I get the feeling that she can’t, because the 3 people who still are coming have booked flights, vacation time, etc and she’d be screwing them over. Plus, there probably isn’t another time betweeen now and her wedding to make it work, or she would have suggested that.
pupgal– It does suck and it does make sense to be hurt and to feel bad. It makes sense that you were that excited and it was not stupid of you to build it up in your head.
I think you should do the only thing you can do and I’ll be your Tim Gunn — Make It Work. You have to make it work. And it WILL work.
Shift your idea of the night. Your bachelorette party is going to be a crazy fun time with just enough people to be a party rather than a bunch of people in tow shuffling around, with at least 1/3rd thinking the current activity is stupid. You get to mingle! You get to accept shots from bartenders and strangers (through the bar tender) who can actually afford to buy it for your whole party! You get to get into bars’/clubs that have a long line, because there aren’t too many of you! You get to not worry about how your college bf and your work friend are getting along without anything in common, so you’ll know everyone is having a good time! Some of my wildest, most party nights were with 1 person, or 2 people, not 10. You have flexibility! You get to make decisions instead of asking 10 people if they want to do X and everyone kind of smiles and half-assedly says ok; you don’t need to choose by committee! You are going to have an AMAZING time with people who love you and are there for you, and you’ll see everyone else at the wedding. Shift your expectations and you’ll have a wonderful night.August 8, 2012 at 1:32 pm #36133
I am feeling like such a Debbie Downer this week myself. Here’s to pity parties
I think you have every right to be feeling what you’re feeling right now. That sounds like it totally stings. I think as hard as we try to be all “mature” about this kind of thing, it is okay to feel perfectly immature about it. I mean… your best friend can’t make it! That’s the kind of thing that makes you want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head and just cry. So- go ahead and do that!
I am only at the start of all my wedding planning and I already feel a little overwhelmed. The shower/bachelorette party is supposed to be the time to let all the stress go. To celebrate your youth and your friendships a bit. It can still be that. Four friends… that’s plenty! So, give it all you’ve got! I remember one of my birthdays, when I was newly single and looking to just go all out, only three people accepted the invitation a friend sent out. I felt like garbage for a day or so. But, then when the day actually got there, I had the BEST birthday with those three friends. I think you will have the best bachelorette, despite all the cancellations. As long as you can put your disappointment aside and give it a shot.
Congratulations, by the way! Too bad I don’t know you… I could totally use a girl’s night with drinks and good food… heck, I’d goAugust 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm #36136
Thanks guys for all of the replies. Honestly just hearing that this happened to lots of you and you still had tons of fun makes me feel a lot better. There have been a ton of bachelorette parties this year among my friends and they all seemed to have a million people, so when everyone bailed on mine I felt like something must be wrong with me.
For those suggesting I postpone it, the people who are coming made a lot of travel plans to be there for it. Also, my maid of honor really stepped up and did a ton of work making reservations and plans, buying gifts and decorations, and getting special tee shirts with the date on them. Postponing would screw over the people who are coming, and I’d basically be asking my moh do all that work over again, which isn’t fair.
The main reason I think this is so hard for me is because I feel like I let my maid of honor and other friends down. They did so much work and made all these plans expecting a big crowd..I feel like I was foolish to expect that people would actually come, or like I don’t deserve to have a great party.
All of those negative feelings aren’t going to change the situation though, or the fact that I have some truly great friends who are coming through for me. I’m going to take some time after this weekend, when things are less emotional, and think about some of the people i’ve been relying on who maybe aren’t worth the effort. I’m also going to try my best to put away the feelings of not being good enough, and remember some of the stories from here about having a great time with a small group. Thanks ladies!August 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm #36140
IS your MOH going to lose money on the decorations/shirts etc because she was expecting say 15 and only 4 are coming? Maybe some of us DW readers can make a trip for you (Depending on where it is, of course!)August 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm #36143
Also, I had been dreading telling my maid of honor about the last minute exodus from my party. It had absolutely nothing to do with her personally, she’s an amazing friend and person. But she has a million girlfriends who are always going out and doing fun things, and her bachelorette party was like a zoo. I guess inside I felt like she would judge me, or the other girls would judge me, as not having friends or being worthy of friendship. I totally understand that this is a problem within myself, and has nothing to do with anyone but me.
When I told her, she confirmed what a bad situation it was and explained very nicely that she had put a lot of time and effort into planning this weekend, but if I wanted to postpone she was totally fine with it. I had really been hoping she would just tell me that it was no big deal and we would have an awesome time anyway, and when she confirmed what a sucky situation it was, not to mention that they left us holding the bag for some party expenses, it just made me feel worse.
I guess I’m realizing that this is a lot more just about me, and having some soul searching to do about friendships, then it is about my party. There have been a lot of threads lately about how tough it is to make friends after school/college, and how that only gets tougher as we get older, as well as having difficulty in general making new friends. Adding a wedding to that can put a lot of pressure on a person.
I haven’t had any similar feelings about the wedding, mostly because I only care if 1 person shows up that lol, and I can honestly say it wouldn’t matter one bit if no one else did. But the bachelorette is supposed to be about me and my friends, and I guess I’m realizing I have some soul searching and changes to make in that departmentAugust 8, 2012 at 2:05 pm #36147
Haha Jessibel, that would be awesome. I’m in PA, not sure if there are any other dear wendyer’s around meAugust 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm #36148
if you were only closer to SC i would have come! and i even have a penis cake pan, haha. i used to be the go to girl for bachelorette parties
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
by bostonpupgal on · in