Blowing Off a Friend? (Sort of)

[temperanceParticipant]

As background: I am a law student who has been dating/cohabitating with the same person for 7.5 years. He has a pretty intense job, so our time together is very important (and very scheduled). With very little exception, we reserve weekends for “us” time. We socialize with friends, usually other couples … because that’s the time we get to be together and we also would like to see our friends.

I have a female friend that I’ll call Ann. We met at law school, and have gone to some happy hours and lunches together. I like hanging out with her, but we’re not especially close. I have two issues to deal with at the moment:

She keeps asking me (and only me) to hang out on weekend nights. I keep turning her down, since my time with Mr. Temperance is really important to both of us and is non-negotiable. I enjoy hanging out with her and our other law school friends, but I don’t think she “gets it” because she’s dating a man who lives overseas that she sees a few times per year (which she prefers, because she likes doing what she wants with friends rather than having a serious commitment).

We met for happy hour last week – I was under the impression that it was all friends from law school going (as were the other law school girls who came), but she invited a bunch of randoms, including dudes that I haven’t ever met. I was pretty uncomfortable, because I wanted to see FRIENDS, not strange men that were hitting on me. Our law school family is large, but these men were not part of it and were clearly there to meet women. My other law school friends who showed up were similarly annoyed with the strangers coming to try and flirt, because we are all either married or seriously dating.

I really like Ann and we have fun together, so how do I express, without coming off as a judgmental bitch, that my weekends are reserved for Mr. Temperance, and that we would all prefer if the next happy hour meetup was for law school and our close friends/partners only? I talked to some of the others last week after the happy hour and they were pretty annoyed with the random men she brought and would prefer that the next happy hour be limited to just us. I’m probably the one planning it, so is there a nice way I can phrase that I would love her not to bring those weird single men unless she’s dating one?

[FabelleParticipant]

Well, I would definitely plan it during the week & if she questions it, just say something briefly like “I spend my weekends with Mr. Temperance, as we both have little free time. So, how’s Thursday sound?”

As for her bringing a bunch of random, single dudes… seems like she was trying to kill 2 birds with one stone, or something? Like, she wanted to see you guys AND her dude “friends.” Maybe emphasize, when you’re discussing plans, how it’ll be nice if “this time, let’s have it just be US, right?” If she isn’t a generally difficult person, she should get the hint?

[caitie_didntParticipant]

Why can’t you just say “sorry, Mr. Temperance and I have a standing date on Friday and Saturday nights, let’s get together during the week instead”. If your date night is non-negotiable, then this is really a non-issue.

[temperanceParticipant]

Thanks for the advice! I was feeling guilty about saying no all of the time – but there is really nothing wrong with the standing date (or that I put my relationship first). I think I was feeling odd about it because she doesn’t have such a serious relationship (by choice!) so I wasn’t trying to come off as smug or douchey because I do.

I like the suggestion about nicely phrasing it so it’s just us. Thank you both!!

[Author]

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