Continue to date if not serious?

[fortexdParticipant]

Hey everyone,

I’ve been dating a great guy for about 3 months now. He’s super sweet, I enjoy my time with him, and we have great chemistry. However, I feel guilty that I don’t see much of a future with him, and that I’m not sure if I’m even close to falling in love. I don’t want to quit dating him because our relationship has been very positive for both of us. BUT I also don’t feel the “butterflies” of lasting passion for him.

We’ve both expressed a desire to be in a committed but not-necessarily-serious relationship, but I can tell that he’s really really into me. I’m afraid of hurting him if I let myself coast through this relationship without getting attached, while he gets more and more emotionally involved. I would really like to have a conversation with him about this, but don’t know how to approach it in a way that will kill our budding relationship.

Do you think it’s appropriate to date someone, knowing that you’re not super serious about them? I feel so strange about the situation, given that usually the roles are reversed, and I’m the one knocking down the guy’s door looking for a longterm relationship. I feel like a can’t relax because I feel guilty about not being in love with him!

Any suggestions on either 1) whether or not to break it off or 2) how to discuss with him?

I’m kind of at a loss here because I’m not much of a heartbreaker. :\

[sarolabelleParticipant]

Why do you have to be in love after only 3 months? Gee, at 3 months with my fiance we were just having fun. I don’t thing things got serious until around 6 or 7 months. We didn’t say I love you until almost a year of dating.

[ShellParticipant]

I agree with @sarolabelle, I would firstly take some pressure off yourself that you need to feel a certain way by a specific time. It’s possible that these thoughts are preventing you opening up to the possibility of a future serious relationship. Are there reasons why you don’t see a future with this person aside from the lack of butterflies?

On the other hand, I have experienced a fair share of anxiety and guilt about not being as into a guy as I felt I should be. Normally, the gut was right and I was relieved after taking myself out of the situation.

[FabelleParticipant]

I didn’t feel serious about anyone I dated after only 3 months In fact, I remember deliberately harboring a negative attitute (“This relationship will probably crash & burn, better not get too attached!”) until I felt secure and in love. Probably… not healthy? but that’s how I roll at the beginning of a relationship.

Anyway, so I wouldn’t feel like “omg, how do I let this guy down easy?” just yet. Just let things progress and check in with him in maybe 3 more months?

[HmCParticipant]

After only 3 months, I think it’s totally appropriate, even expected, that feelings for both parties may not be in the same place yet. As long as you are open and honest about what you’re feeling, he is a big boy and can look out for his own emotions. Dating is a crap shoot for EVERYONE. As long as you are not lying or manipulating, the other person’s feelings are their to guard or not guard. That’s life.

Also, please consider that butterflies and sunshine and rainbows can take time to build for many people, and that doesn’t make the love any less strong. Actually, I think that time can make love much stronger than love (ie lust) that bursts forth from the beginning of a connection. Healthy long term relationships, as we have them in Western culture, tend to be founded on many of the same compatibilities that make a good friendship. Don’t get so lost in the idea of a prince charming sweeping you away that you don’t give good guys a shot. I refer you to my (and others’) comments on this Dear Wendy letter:

http://dearwendy.com/columns/theres-no-passion-should-i-moa/

[fortexdParticipant]

Thanks guys! This has given me a lot of food for thought! Usually at this stage in the game I’m completely infatuated with a guy…but after experiencing a lot of heartbreak this past year, I think I’ve finally learned to guard my heart going into a relationship. I still haven’t figured out whether I’m just being cautious with this guys, or if my gut is trying to tell me something.

I think my doubts lie in that he is not quite the personality type I have dreamed of ending up with. BUT he is an unusually kind, thoughtful (and not to mention handsome) man who I admire very much. After dating a lot of jerks, I’m hesitant to let a truly good guy go so easily.

And it’s true that initial lust or head-over-heels attraction doesn’t always mean permanence. I was (yet again) completely infatuated with my ex, but knew that we weren’t compatible enough to get married.

Must not overthink.

[MuffyParticipant]

I’m from the school of thought of giving someone a chance. Are you attracted to him? Are you put off by the idea of having sex with him or kissing him? If not then there might be something there and just let it play out – you said yourself he has many great qualities.if however the thought of having sex with the guy is just off putting to you then you should let this one go…

Maybe delve a little into yourself though as to why you are not that into him -is it because you don’t get that sense of anxiety and therefore you don’t get that rush when he finally calls? If that’s the case I would definitely stay with this guy.

[fortexdParticipant]

No, that is thankfully not the problem! The sex is fantastic (actually, perhaps the best I’ve ever had).

…Ok, when I type that out, I realize it seems like I don’t have much of a problem!

Haha so yes, it’s more what you’re talking about in your 2nd paragraph.

[HmCParticipant]

Sounds like you have your head on straight, fortexd. A bit of advice someone once told me while I was in the throes of an over analyzation tornado about a new relationship (which used to happen to me all too often)- “sometimes there is no answer to be had right now”. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you want an answer as to where something is going, because dating is a process and compatibility reveals itself over time. Patience has been an underlying theme of every great relationship, and friendship, I’ve ever had. Wait it out, with an open mind and heart. Answers will come to you eventually, I think. Good luck!

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