Distance

[MackenzieLeeParticipant]

As I’ve said before a few times, I am a college student and I’m going to be studying abroad next semester. At the very end of last semester I was introduced to a guy named Evan. We have been in almost constant contact since the end of the year. However, we live close to twelve hours away from each other and I will be a whole ocean away in the fall. It’s very clear that we both have feelings for each other but due to the fact that there will be significant distance between us for the next 9 months and that we’ve barely interacted in person it is a bit of a complicated situation. He is the most amazing guy. He understands my dry sarcasm (even through texts) and is incredibly sweet caring and thoughtful. He is the first guy I have had such strong feelings for in years. However, every time he says something sweet or makes me laugh as happy as it makes me it also hurts because I won’t be seeing him for nine months and a lot can change in that amount of time. Stopping talking to him would make me incredibly sad but I keep thinking of how horrible it would be if he starts seeing someone while I am abroad or if our chemistry doesn’t match up in real life in the same way. I wonder if I’m too young to be so emotionally invested in someone that I won’t be seeing for such a long time but at the same time I feel crazy to stop talking to him.

Advice?

[SkyblossomParticipant]

You’re not too young. You meet people that you’re attracted to when you meet them. Some people find the right person younger and some are older, it happens when it happens. It sounds like you have strong chemistry which is a good start for any relationship. I don’t see any reason why you should stop talking to him just because of the distance. What I would do is make sure that you have a couple of years together that aren’t long distance before you make any long term commitment like marriage. You need time together to see if this is the right relationship for both of you but I don’t see any reason to throw it all away just because you will be long distance. The only reason I would do that is if you will never be able to be anything other than long distance. Try to skype regularly and keep sharing your lives while you’re away and try to figure out how and when you can live close enough to see each other regularly.

[buttonedParticipant]

I think you should go for it. What do you have to lose? I mean, you get to get to know this guy has great chemistry with you. For me, I would feel the same way by being hesitant, but I’d rather try it out than thinking “What if” of keeping in touch. Something might grow, something might not, you guys might meet up after the distance and something might bloom. And if not, you had a learning experience! (At least, that’s how I see it.)
I’m in the same-ish boat, as I’m a junior in college now, but my boyfriend has just graduated and will be going to grad school in a different city, so we’ll be an LDR. I was afraid that I was too young to do a LDR kind of thing, but I don’t want to lose what I have with him. At least, I don’t want to lose it because I was too afraid to try. We’re both going to try to make it work, and heck, if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t. We’ll both still be young, and there are still plenty of more chances for us to emotionally invest. Good luck!

[MackenzieLeeParticipant]

Thanks for the advice skyblossom and buttoned. I’m definitely not even considering marrying anyone at this point. I’m only 19 after all. I’m glad yall don’t think I’m wasting my time. All my friends seem to think the opposite and believe there are too many other guys that are geographically close to me that I should be trying to get to know instead of this one very far away or that he’s going to start dating someone while I’m abroad and I’m going to get my little heart squashed. Their whole idea is that if we have good chemistry than why not stop talking and put that on hold until I come back in January.

[KristinaParticipant]

I think you should try, but also don’t try to force anything. A lot can happen in 9 months, and in a way, I think it’s harder than being in a legit committed relationship. When I was 19, I was sort of dating this guy towards the end of the school year, but then he left for a 8 month internship in another city, and I found it a lot harder to get what I wanted out of it since we weren’t really in a relationship–I found it too hard to wait all that time to be in a relationship with him, since we both decided it would be best to wait. I actually found that situation a lot harder than when I moved to Asia to do some traveling by myself and had limited internet access and contact with my current boyfriend. I think 9 months of talking or whatever you want to call it, is a long time, but if you want to go for it, then definitely do it. I thought I was too young when I did it, and ultimately I am glad I did it, despite our relationship not really working out.

[CarisParticipant]

If you think there could be something with this guy, I say try. It is only 9 months (I’ve been in LDR for 4 years, so 9 months to me is not really that long). If it doesn’t work out, then well at least you tried . It’s hard, a lot harder than a non LDR. And there needs to be lots of communication between the 2 of you if you want it to work. You should also maybe lay out some rules (Is it going to be an open ldr or not, etc)

[MackenzieLeeParticipant]

I think Kristina summed up my feelings really well. This isn’t a true LDR because it is not an exclusive relationship. This is the part of the relationship where we would be figuring out how compatible we are and seeing if it was worth moving from casual dating to a committed relationship. I’m worried that will be a lot harder given the lack of communication face to face. It’s also harder because there is no commitment holding it together as in a real LDR.

[KristinaParticipant]

Sometimes it can be hard to know whether or not you might be overstepping your bounds into girlfriend territory. When I was in that situation, we both naturally acted like a couple, and we would always send each other letters, packages, watch movies online together, etc. We were friends for a little bit before I decided I liked him, so it was worked in that way. You don’t want to pressure each other, and you have to be prepared if he does start liking someone else. That’s what happened to me, and in the end, I was okay with it. We decided early on not to ‘wait’ for each other, so I had to be okay if he (or I) found someone else. Try and Skype with him a few times if you want to improve your face to face communication. Since it’s not like you guys are already in a relationship, there’s very little foundation to work with, but if you both want to try and see where things go, it really helps to at least build up that foundation while you are apart.

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