First Serious Break Up

[kareParticipant]

I comment sometimes…but always lurk. And I know it sounds silly, but this community really means a lot to me. When I read forum posts, sometimes I don’t comment because everyone has said everything else so much better. But I always find myself thinking about different commenters and wishing them the best.

Anyways,

I had been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years, we started dating my freshman year of college. We got into an argument today and he dumped me over text message. Honestly, I’m not surprised. I just felt like his heart wasn’t into it. Plus he was always telling me I needed to work out more and if I asked him how I looked he always responded “eh”. I called him after I got the text and he said he had wanted to break up with me for awhile, but had been waiting. I’m upset, I guess. But I’m not devastated or crying or anything. Maybe I’m still in shock? But I’ve never been through a breakup, so I have no idea what to expect. I just feel relieved because I felt like the last year or so I’ve been living a lie. So I’m kind of freaked out that I’m not a mess, and I’m afraid the emotion I should feel will bubble up at some inappropriate moment (work!). I guess this is kind of rambling, but any advice? Is a tidal wave of despair going to hit my later? Am I a sociopath for feeling kind of happy things are over?

[AKchic_Participant]

You are not a sociopath for being happy things are over.

Sometimes, deep down, you just KNOW that things are better off when they are done and over. I was downright giddy with joy when I filed for divorce for the first time. Hell, when I filed my first restraining order against him, yes, I was nervous, I was scared, but I was also elated. Yes, it was over, but it was over for a good reason.

Yes, there were times where I would get a little sad, because sure, it was a break-up, but it was few and far between. You may end up with those fleeting feelings, and sometimes, they might hang around for a bit. Enjoy not having those feelings. The relationship has run its course and now, it’s time to walk away and enjoy yourself.

[vizslalvrParticipant]

You aren’t a sociopath. For what it’s worth, I dated the same guy through about half a high school through all three years of undergrad (graduated early solely to be with him sooner). We fought a lot, especially the last year or two, and when we were finally in the same place again, he dumped me after a few weeks. I felt more foolish and angry and relieved than sad. I didn’t cry about him – ever. I felt alternately numb and angry, and then after a few months, I was just over it.

You might have emotion bubble up. That’s okay. Excuse yourself and let it out. But if it doesn’t, it doesn’t mean that you are a bad person or that your time with him meant any less. Everyone deals with breakups differently. And every break up is different.

I’m sorry your ex was just a douche in the way he broke up with you. But you will be better for this relationship ending – and you know that, too. It’s clear from your reaction to the breakup. It doesn’t mean that what you shared wasn’t special, it doesn’t mean that you will be wrong to feel sad about it (even at inappropriate moments). But you aren’t a bad person if you don’t have that awful sadness people sometimes feel during breakups, either. For me, it just meant that I had already come to terms with the fact that the relationship wasn’t right for me, and that I wasn’t happy, and that I knew despite the fact that he was a complete fucker for the person he was and the way he ended things, I was going to be better off. And now I am better off, because I’m engaged to the most amazing man. And you’ll be better off, too.

[TurtledoveParticipant]

You aren’t a sociopath and there’s nothing wrong or unusual about your situation. I suspect that you may feel sad at times and a little lonely, but I also suspect that you won’t have any huge dramatic tear-floods. Why, you ask? It’s because it sounds rather like the actual break-up was just the verbal acknowledgement of something you’ve known for quite while, that the actual loving relationship was over but that neither of you had quite figured out how to move on. If that’s the case, then it’s likely you’ve already mourned the relationship, it’s just that you did it while you were still in it. I know that sounds heartless to say in so many words, but I actually think it’s pretty common when we haven’t got much experience in relationships– to not know when or how to end them. Dramatic tear floods are usually reserved for break-ups we don’t want or weren’t expecting.

[kareParticipant]

Thank you AKchic and vizslalvr. It’s really nice hearing from people who have felt similar emotions. I think it will be weird to be single again, and I’m kind of nervous. I gained a lot of weight in the last year or so and that’s why my ex was no longer attracted to me. I know that I’m not overweight (I’m a size 4) but going from 95 pounds to 125 is a big difference. I used to feel alright with the weight I gained because it gave me more of an hourglass shape, but I asked my ex (before we broke up) if he was still attracted to me, and he said “usually not”. So my confidence is a little shaken. I know at the end of the day, there’s nothing wrong with my body. But after years of struggling with body image issues, it’s really hard to hear from someone who also claims to love you in the same sentence.

[AKchic_Participant]

My 2nd ex told me that he thought I was hot and he was physically attracted to me, but he thought I was a bitch when he wanted our divorce. A month later, he wanted to get back together. It was one of the most absurd and most hurtful things I had ever heard. I wanted to laugh and break his nose at the same time.

You will find someone that loves you for you. Not someone that wants you to be a clay model for him to mold into the “perfect” doll.

[kareParticipant]

@Turtledove,

You’re right. I actually cried a lot about the relationship before it ended. I knew things were falling apart and nothing I did could fix it.

And @Akchic…I’m optimistic about the future…although cautious. Not sure what to expect.

[LyraParticipant]

Really?? He thought you should work out more because you went to a size 4??? Honestly that’s probably a healthier weight to be (depending on your height of course). Good lord, your ex sounds like a total douche. Can I punch him for you??

I’m REALLY glad you’re not broken up over this. He’s not worth it. If there WAS still something there, you would be more emotional over this. I remember when my boyfriend and I almost broke up back in December over something relatively stupid. He was thinking about breaking up with me and I was a WRECK. We talked through it and started talking about our future and then HE was a wreck. He realized he didn’t want to break up — he wanted a future with me. That’s when we realized there was something big there to keep our relationship going. Sure enough we worked through it and we’re now happier than ever.

So enjoy being single! Enjoy your hourglass figure! Enjoy going off and flirting with cute boys at the bar! Leave this jerk behind you and never look back.

[ZeppParticipant]

I doubt his diminishing attraction was because of your weight gain. It was probably because of familiarity and growing apart. I mean, I can’t be sure without seeing your picture but if you’re really a size four, well, that’s a good size. Even super models get dumped because the man gets bored.

Also, I know what you mean about not being sad. My first love and I had to break up bc my boyfriend was moving back to Europe (and this was before skype) and instead of being devastated, I was relieved. I then had one of the best years of my life. You will too!

[ZeppParticipant]

wait did he actually say he wasn’t attracted to you bc of the weight? The way I am reading this, this is an assumption you are making and he didn’t explicitly say why his attraction went away.

[AnnaParticipant]

This guy sounds like a colossal asshole. He said you need to work out more and he’s no longer attracted to you because you went up to a size 4?! 125 lbs is not fat. It’s probably a much healthier weight than 95 lbs. Unless you are 4’9″, 95 lbs was probably underweight for you. And hourglass figures are sexy as hell.

It sounds like you knew for awhile that this relationship was going downhill, so there’s no shame in being glad the downward spiral is over. Don’t beat yourself up about any of this. Rock your size 4 body as a sexy single girl and do all the things you were self-conscious about doing when you were with him. I recently went through a bad breakup of the best relationship I ever had, which lasted 9 years. In my case, I wasn’t relieved but I am kinda “finding myself” again and that’s helping me a lot. Re-establishing who you are outside of a relationship is a good first step. I can’t tell you what the 2nd step is because I haven’t gotten there yet!

[gillociraptorParticipant]

For me, the second step has always been “have sex with someone else,” but different strokes…

You’re not weird or a sociopath at all. When my first serious relationship broke up, I cried for five minutes immediately afterward, then when I got home from class that night. I wasn’t crying because I was sad over the breakup, though. I was crying because I had a feeling that at some point, he would want me back, and I would have to say no, and I hate disappointing people (I was right about that, incidentally). And that’s all the crying I did. Like you, I knew the relationship was over, but neither of us had the guts to pull the trigger and actually kill it. I was over the relationship before it even ended; in actuality, its end came as a relief more than anything else. Feel how you feel. There’s no right way to feel after a breakup.

[bethanyParticipant]

I think your reaction is totally normal, considering how things were towards the end of your relationship.

It reminded me of how families react when somone’s been terminally ill or in a coma for years and then finally dies… The family has spent months grieving, before the person has actually died, and once they die, they just feel a sense of relief.

To me, it souinds like you were mourning the relationship while you were in it. If you’re not crying and sad, that’s totally ok. In fact, consider yourself lucky!

[SweetPeaGParticipant]

Whatever your reaction to the breakup is normal (well, as long as it is not destructive behavior). Don’t worry about reacting the way anyone else does. And it sounds like there is plenty reason for you to be feeling less than devastated. In fact, I think this calls for a party!

Please take this to heart- no man should ever say “eh” to his girlfriend when she asks him how she looks. That’s really shitty. You sound like a tiny girl, but even if you weren’t, that’s not how a loved one should talk to you. He should think you are beautiful not only because you ARE but because he loves you. Even if you had some sort of weight problem (you DON’T!), he could be kind in the way he makes suggestions. So… look for these things in the next person you decide to date. Your significant other should make you feel your best.

It sounds like he was ready to end this relationship for a while. It is totally within his rights to decide the relationship isn’t working. But, he could have done it a lot better by not saying mean things to you and probably picking fights. Ugh, he just sucks.

I know I rambled on… so as far as your actual questions go… I guess emotions could bubble up at inappropriate times (like work). Just excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. It has happened to the best of us. I’ve cried at work over stuff both major and minor in my personal life. I survived… it wasn’t the best thing to happen at work, but it’ll be okay. And if that tidal wave of despair does hit? Have a plan in case it does! Call up your best friends. I am sure they will come to your aid. If no one is around, come chat with this crew. Dear Wendy people are good for all sorts of life traumas

However, I have a strong feeling you will be just fine!

[kareParticipant]

Thank you everyone for your support. Just to clarify, he never explicitly said he wasn’t attracted to me because of my weight. But he often made comments on how I needed to work out more, shouldn’t eat certain foods, that if I loved him I would exercise more, etc. There were times where he would be in a really bad mood and if I asked why he was upset, he would say “well I couldn’t stop thinking about your thighs”. So I definitely think that’s a factor. I’m 5’4″ so I think I’m at a healthier weight now. Everyone else who knew me when I was thinner has told me that I look so much better now.

Anyways, I had a small party with some friends over the weekend and had a great time. Yesterday I did the “exchanging of things” and that went well. A lot of guys have started texting me and sending me things on Facebook, but I’m not really looking for anything at the moment. I’m just focused on myself.

Thanks again everyone, really. Hopefully everything will continue to go smoothly, but if not, I’m glad to know where a great support group is.

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