July 17, 2012 at 8:20 pm #33895
Hey all, I hope you are all staying cool. I think I am done with my hermit stage of the breakup. It’s been a month and although I am still sad, I don’t have that hopeless feeling from before. I realize it’s time to buck up, and I’m trying! So here’s the issue: I’m going to be in my ex’s town in two weeks for a training, and I’ll be staying at the hotel literally two doors down from his apartment building. Since he broke up with me over the phone, I was heartbroken and I don’t think I got the closure that I needed from an in-person breakup. We had agreed to see each other the next time one was in the other’s town. Although I could discuss out breakup for probably 500 hours straight, I don’t even want to anymore because I know it won’t change anything, and I think he realizes how shitty it was to do it over the phone, and pushing that won’t change that it happened or the promises that he broke. However, I want all of my books back, and I’m sure he wants his things back as well. I also just WANT to see him. Not to ask him to get back together, not even for answers, I think the urge just comes from the long distance breakup and I do think seeing him a last time would fix that.
I guess what I’m asking is how do I act? I am trying to plan it so I can fake it if I need to, because I will just cry otherwise. Should I try to hide my sadness or be honest? Grab the books and leave or stay and talk? This might sound shallow, but I know I won’t see him for a long, long time after this, and I would like to leave the right impression, but I don’t know if that’s trying to act fine and have him remember me as happy, or if I should be honest because thought I don’t want to seem desperate, I really am not over this.
Sorry for the novel, hope you all are well, I missed the community during my hiatus <3July 17, 2012 at 8:37 pm #33897
Wow I can’t believe it’s been a month! I can’t tell you what you should do because I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer but I can tell you what I would do. I would go – exchange stuff – and leave. Not to show him I’m over it because like you said – it will change nothing. But because He doesn’t deserve to know how much he hurt you – and he doesn’t deserve to hear about your life. He doesn’t deserve any part of you.
In my experience break up closure has to come from within. It’s not something he can give you. Closure comes sometimes years later when you can finally see why that break up had to happen. I don’t think a guy has ever given me closure – I had to find it myself.July 17, 2012 at 8:41 pm #33899
i think you should just be honest with yourself about how you should act in this situation, given your current status… if you feel like you would be ok (and be ok after the fact!) to sit and talk for a little while, then do that. if you feel like that would be detrimental to you, then dont. and if he wants to sit and talk, be honest. honesty is something that is very rare, and in your ex’s spot, i would appreciate it. simply tell him you are not in a place right now to be able to have a friendly chat. you need more time. whatever it is.
just frame it the best way you can see it happening for you right then, and then do that. and dont feel bad or guilty- if you dont want to talk to him, you dont want to, and thats ok, and he will be ok whether you talk to him or not.July 18, 2012 at 9:30 am #33920
First, just wanted to offer a belated hug to you!
Second, I’m pro-everything that’s been said here. Do what feels most comfortable for you, and if that means dropping off his stuff and walking away, do it. I’ve been through a shitty breakup or two, and in the past I’d always been tempted to just SEE the guy again, one last time. Let me tell you, it won’t bring you closure. It will, though, drudge up old feelings, both good and bad. You don’t deserve to be hurt any more than you already have been.
Like iwannatalktosampson said, closure really has to come from within. Believe it or not, you will get to a place where seeing him– on the street, on Facebook, on America’s Most Wanted (kidding), whatever– will be a little weird, but not heartbreaking anymore. Get your books back, give his stuff back, but try not to expect anything else right now. You need and deserve to heal!July 18, 2012 at 10:49 am #33933
@mllryjo, glad to hear you are doing a bit better. Time is a healer, which you are experiencing already. In my experience, I think it’s really difficult to plan how to act and feel at a meeting like this. In my meeting with an ex a few months ago, I went into it with a mentality of “strong bitch”, not really meaning the bitch part, but it’s an expression that my friends always use that makes me smirk a little bit. I ended up leaving the meeting teary-eyed and drained, far from the strong bitch that I aimed to come off as. I agree with the other DW’ers comments, best to exchange your things briefly and leave it at that. 100% agree with @iwannatalktosampson in that closure needs to come from within. You will get there. If you can, make plans for yourself afterwards, a run, some yoga, a giant milkshake, whatever works for you : ) so you have something positive and somewhat uplifting to do whatever the outcome is of your meeting.July 18, 2012 at 11:56 am #33947
I don’t know if you’re like me, but if I see an ex soon after the breakup, it sets me back in the ‘getting-over-him’ process. Just in case you’re like me, I would suggest watching a few comedy videos before the meeting to lift up your mood (this one crack me up every SINGLE time! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcniyQYFU6M&feature=player_embedded), and make it short, like on your way to something else. This way, if you feel like you’re about to lose it, you can escape fast.
Don’t tell him how much he’s hurt you. It will change nothing. If you can be upbeat and radiant, it will show him what he’s missing. Then he’ll probably wonder – why did I leave that?
Good luck!July 18, 2012 at 2:28 pm #33957
I’m so glad to hear you are doing better! So as DW’s resident makeup/fashion person (self anointed), I have a few tips on how to look for this meeting at least ( I think I remember reading here somewhere that you are into makeup as well) because even though he behaved a bit ungentlemanly with the phone breakup, no reason for you to be less than a lady to him I think the closure thing does come from within, it did for me and I think Iwanna said it perfectly. About how to act, well I would suggest keeping the meeting as brief as possible, exchange the items, smile pleasantly and have a general how are you, i’m fine talk and then leave. I’ve done both asking for closure ( and crying and all that..sigh) and being brief, and well the brief meeting always left me feeling better since I felt that I behaved better.
I also think if –BIG IF–you do want to ever become friends, its best to not be weepy at this last meeting. Be cordial, polite and when time has passed if you two can work as friends, it’ll happen. Again, this is all stuff I l earned by doing the opposite.
Ok now onto how to look, my fav part! First, wear something that makes your ass look amazing. Since its the last thing he’ll see when you’re walking away. So be realistic, will you be crying the night before the meeting? I think if there is a chance you would be, pack some of those redness relief eye drops. Give yourself PLENTY of time to do your makeup before meeting up, its therapeutic and can came you down while looking in the mirror and giving yourself a pep talk. Don’t wear MORE makeup than normal , or less because that makes you look more haggard and tired. Stick to the usual he saw you in, but maybe a little bit more professional since you are there on business. So yeah that is foundation to cover redness, concealer used under the eyes to cover any dark circles as well. Also, if you have it/can remember to pack it, a cooling eye mask to sleep in is always a good idea to reduce puffiness if your hotel room has a mini fridge, sticking some eye cream in there will also give the cooling effect. Oh and, if you can avoid it, try to not eat a lot of salt the night before. I feel that looking puffy in general SUCKS when I’m trying to look all hot.
For the eyes, I’d stick with matte shadows, preferably one a little darker than your skin tone just swept across the eyes with attention to the crease to recess it. And waterproof mascara–don’t forget it must be waterproof!!
Onto to Highlighter–the secret behind my glowing skin! I think a liquid one would be ideal, but if you have powders only, they’d look nice lightly swept under eyes on the cheekbones. And a natural and pretty pinky blush to perk you up
I’d go with a mid toned lip, maybe a flattering shade of the revlon lip butters.
If you can, I’d get a mani pedi before leaving for the trip. A nice french mani looks professional AND dignified for meeting with the ex.
Ok there is my long comment about how to look at least! We’re here for you leading up though!
Best of luck and chin up. You’re an amazing and beautiful person who WILL find love again!July 18, 2012 at 2:54 pm #33961
ahaha Lili I loved the makeup rundown.
I think the thing that says most in your letter is that you WANT to see him. That shows how unready you are to be able to see him without it affecting you. So like everyone else I’m going to say keep it as brief as possible. As far as worrying about the impression you leave him with, you dated for quite a long time. He has plenty of memories and impressions of you from then. Other than you doing something out of this world crazy when you meet him, he isn’t going to think of you any different than he thought of you before (and in all reality I can’t think of a way you could make the way he sees you better). Which is all the more reason to keep it short. I would suggest planning something right after the meeting so you can’t stay even if in the moment you decide you want to.
Hope all this rambling made senseJuly 18, 2012 at 2:56 pm #33962
while we’re talking about makeup, what’s your favorite highlighter Lili? I haven’t found one I completely love just yetJuly 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm #33965
Haha thanks colors! I just know that if I feel that I LOOK composed, I’m more likely to act it as well.
About highlighters, well it depends on your skin tone. Right now, I’m loving Sun Beam by benefit, but I think of it as mainly a summer only highlighter since its SO golden/bronzey on me but it works with my tan. Eclat Miracle by Estee lauder is a pricey option, but I do love it so and buy it when ever estee lauder has one of those give aways with purchase. I’ve heard good things about physicians formula shimmer strips, but to me they look a little TOO shimmery in the pan, but maybe with a fan brush…hm.. Oh and I’ve been intrigued by the Sephora brand high lighters, they’re MASSIVE so a great bargain but I haven’t bought one. Yet. I know a lot of beauty experts like nars illuminators, but they don’t work well for my skin tone, but asking for a sample at sephora never hurts
I have the Loreal magic Lumi primer sitting in my target.com cart, so if its at all comparable to eclat, I’ll be sure to let you know!July 18, 2012 at 7:56 pm #33996
Lili — ahahaha!! You had me cracking up about making sure the butt looks great since it’s the last thing he’ll see as she’s walking away.
Mllryjo, I say keep it short and sweet, IF you decide you want or need to see him. Based on my own experiences, I wouldn’t go through with any kind of face-to-face with an ex until I knew I was 100% over it. My last ex was my first BIG, heart-wrenching, soul-annihilating breakup, in which I admittedly did just about everything wrong. What set me back the most in terms of healing was trying to be his friend soon after we broke up, because I missed him and just wanted to see him, hear about his life, help him with the things he was going through, etc. I think the urges to see him are just that: you missing him (which is normal and natural). I think seeing him, even briefly to exchange possessions, will hurt more than you realize now and probably set you back in terms of the emotional healing progress you’ve made. If I could take back all the evenings I spent crying over the demise of my relationship because I reached out to him, I would. Unless you NEED to do it face-to-face (can you mail him his things?), I say don’t do it.July 19, 2012 at 12:25 pm #34052
Let me just say I literally love you all, and thank you for always coming through when I need advice!!
After reading everyone’s advice, I decided that I will see him just long enough to exchange our things and say hello. I think dinner or hanging out would be a bad choice after reading everyone’s advice, and though seeing him at all might not be the smartest, I’m going to just be too darn close and I don’t think I could help it, but having a plan makes me feel organized and prepared. I’m going to keep it brief and friendly, and you’ve convinced me that not even discussing the breakup or my feelings is the right thing to do.
@Lili: I LOVE this, thank you. I can’t control my emotions 100% but I love the idea of being physically ready and at my best, but without trying too hard. I scheduled a mani/pedi for before I leave and I sold back some textbooks from college I forgot about so I made a Sephora stop and bought Benefit Moon Beam and the Urban Decay Naked II palette so I feel PREPARED in the beauty department! (I like the logic that I can use my breakup as an excuse for new makeup. Breakup? MAKEUP!!)
Also, thank you for the advice about closure. You’re all completely right, and think I was viewing it wrong by thinking I need closure from him. I like the idea of finding closure with myself, because it makes me feel in control again and that’s wonderful!
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