friend's fiance

[LParticipant]

I spent the weekend on a vacation with some of my best friends. Most of them I see fairly often, but there is one who I only see about twice per year. Let’s call her Melissa. She and I have been very close since high school and though I don’t see her as often as I would like, we always pick up right where we left off. Melissa is also getting married this fall. Admittedly I didn’t like her fiance very much when they first started dating, but as I got to know him better I decided he was a pretty good guy. I see now that they are good together and have been genuinely happy for them.

Here’s my dilemma. Apparently the fiance is really angry that she spent the entire weekend with us, some of her best friends. It was kind of a bachelorette party for her/going away last hurrah for me (since I’m moving in two days) and I know we all really needed the time away with each other. According to Melissa, she’s in the doghouse because of being away all weekend. I personally think he’s being incredibly stupid and want to tell him to man up and stop acting like he’s 14. They do work opposite schedules so they don’t see each other all that often, but they live together and I know for a fact they hang out with his family and his friends quite frequently. Whenever we want to see Melissa, we usually drive over there and he’s usually there too. I get that it’s a stressful time with the wedding coming up, but SERIOUSLY.

I’m not sure what to do in this situation. Fortunately Melissa doesn’t take any crap, but the way her fiance is treating her sends up red flags for me. Advice?

[KristenParticipant]

I’m not sure if there is really anything for you to do at this point. It’s up to your friend to let him know that she deserves a weekend with her friends and work it out with him. I would just keep being supportive of her and tell her how glad you were that she could be there.

[6napkinburgerParticipant]

Ok, some clarification is needed; as the story isn’t that clear.

You and Melissa and some other friends… went away this past weekend? In state? out of state? Were SO’s invited to the trip?
That part is confusing.

[jlyfshParticipant]

I don’t think there’s a lot you can do either. Like Kristen said the best thing to do would just let your friend know how happy you are that she made it. If you start bad mouthing the fiance to her or say something to him you run the risk of losing her as a friend and is that really worth it? Just to let him know that you think he was being childish?

[6napkinburgerParticipant]

And if they live together, did he not know that she was going away this weekend? Did he just look up on saturday and not see her there? Did she not pack?

[LParticipant]

Clarifications: It was a girl’s weekend, and there were 4 of us there. No SOs. We had planned this back in May, so he knew it was coming. It was in-state, about an hour away.

I won’t approach the fiance, despite the fact that I want to. I told her many many times that I was glad she was there. When she texted me this morning that she was in the doghouse I basically said “Seriously? That’s ridiculous.” I didn’t call him names or anything.

I agree that I can’t really do anything about it, but I just hope that she stands up for herself. I don’t like when other people — ESPECIALLY significant others — treat my friends like crap. I’m hoping this is just a really stressful time and that’s all it was.

[iwannatalktosampsonParticipant]

Weird I had a similar situation come up last weekend except it was 2 girls that just couldn’t wait to get back to their husbands and left the bachlorette weekend early (as in 5am Sunday) when we hadn’t seen each other in 4 years.

Honestly you can’t say anything about it. And if she doesn’t have a problem standing up for herself I wouldn’t worry about it.

[bethanyParticipant]

I don’t really think it’s any of your business if he’s mad at her for going away. Personally, I think he’s a baby, if he can’t handle 1 weekend away from his fiance. But it’s not your relationship, or your place to tell him what he should and shouldn’t be mad about. I get that your concerned for your friend, but I would just leave this one alone.

[LParticipant]

Thank you all for your input. I was hanging out with a couple of my friends today (who were there this past weekend) and we talked about it. We decided that with all the wedding drama they’ve been through and job issues, the stress was just really high. Though I still really don’t like the fact that he acted so childish, I can accept that stress has been high for the two of them lately. I’m going to let it be and hope things work themselves out. As bethany said, it truly is none of my business.

[AstronomerParticipant]

Aw, man. This post reminded me how much I miss my best friend, who lives in the same city. Ever since she and her scary-possessive boyfriend got pregnant, she won’t leave his side for anything. If I’m being really honest, her weirdly submissive behavior had already started before then. She got used to her guy not letting her go out without him and reading her emails and texts to check up on her. She even makes excuses for it now. But she’s really, really unhappy with him, and on the rare occasion we text or gchat, she tells me about how she wants to leave him as soon as she has the baby and gets a job. I suspect she’s avoiding her old friends (and specifically me) because she’s afraid that she’ll let her guard down too much and not be able to handle pretending to be the happy pregnant girlfriend anymore. She depends on him financially, which I’m sure makes leaving him seem even scarier.

I swear I’m not hijacking this thread! I bring this up because I don’t want you to make the same mistake I did and drive your friend further into crappy relationship land. Whatever you do, and no matter what Melissa says to you about this guy, you can’t tell her to leave him. Even if she says she wants to leave a million times, you can’t say it back to her. You just have to wait and see what she does.

It doesn’t sound like this relationship has gotten that bad or even that it necessarily will. But on the off-chance it does, you want your friend to look to you as a source of support. Anything you say about her guy that is negative will drive a wedge between you two until she leaves, if she ever does. If you want your friend to trust you and enjoy spending time with you, you can’t say anything about her guy. If you want her guy to be okay with you being a part of her life, you can’t say anything. I know that sucks so much, but it’s better than losing her completely.

[siaParticipant]

This is the truest effing thing in the world, and it is SO hard to do. The next time I have to bite my tongue and ask, “Wow, how does that make you feel?” and “Why do you think he does that?” like I didn’t already know the answers, my head might just explode.

[siaParticipant]

aaand, the quote that was eaten by the forum was

“Anything you say about her guy that is negative will drive a wedge between you two until she leaves, if she ever does. “

[LK7889Participant]

No kidding on the negative things you could say screwing up the friendship.

I have two friend right now that are in seriously shitty relationships and it makes me want to scream. One is with a cheating alcoholic that can’t seem to help but be passive aggressive ALL the time and the other one has a baby with hers and he neglects the baby, emotionally abuses her, and spends all her emergency baby money on Taco Bell and new computers.

But if there is something important that this has taught me, it’s that no matter what you think as a woman’s friend, she’s going to do what she’s going to do and if you criticize him, she’ll take it personally and draw away from you.

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