Friends separating… advice?

[JKParticipant]

Hey everyone, back for more great advice
There´s a couple that are really good friends of my husband and I. The guy has been close to my husband for around 12 years (and for the last few years they´ve been business partners), I worked with the guy and were pretty close, and became friends with his gf then wife. Before the kids came along (we have 2 girls each) we would get together every 2 weeks or so, lately it hasnt been so frequent, but of course my husband sees the guy every day, and I talk to the girl every week or so.

The couple has been getting on pretty badly for like a year, it seemed things were getting better, today my husband told me that apparently they´re separating (as far as I know no catalysts other than not getting along). Of course I would ring my friend tomorrow to talk, the thing is she´s a very weird person, doesn´t talk about her feelings at all, and doesn´t really like talking on the phone. Our schedules aren´t conducive to seeing each other in the next few days.
Do you guys think I should ring her anyway? Her husband had told my husband a few days ago that things were bad, but asked that my husband not tell me (he told me anyway, but swore me to secrecy).
Plus this has me really upset, they´re both great people, and it breaks my heart for the little girls that are like nieces to me (their eldest is 1 year older than mine, the youngest 6 months older than mine, the older girls are pretty much bffs).
Any suggestions?

• This topic was modified 10 months, 4 weeks ago by  JK.

[SkyblossomParticipant]

You definitely want to support your friend but because you’ve promised your husband you won’t say anything you can’t just call up. You can’t undermine your marriage and you can’t undermine your husband’s business relationship. You can call and invite your friend to come over with the girls or invite her to come over while the older girls are at school. You don’t need to mention why you’re inviting her over and you shouldn’t mention their marriage until/unless she brings it up. She might come over and say nothing and then you would be the friendly face and warm place where she gets away from all that is happening at home. If she brings it up then you’ve found out in a legitimate way and can then openly talk about it and offer your support.

[iwannatalktosampsonParticipant]

I would say call her up and schedule a play date – even if it’s 3 weeks out. Don’t bring up the separation because your husband told you not too. Wait until she brings it up to you. But I don’t think you should treat her any differently. I hate it when you go through a traumatizing break up and feel like your whole world is upside down – and then people treat you like your world is upside down. She will need some stability and it will be really helpful if you try your hardest not to change too much about your relationship with her. She will need some things to feel the same. The good thing is that you have kids that are friends so I think that will help transition your relationship with her.

[FireStarParticipant]

I think you should keep your schedule of seeing her – whatever that is now. Preserving your husband’s confidence is definitely paramount. When you see her you can let her take the lead or you can ask her how she is doing if the news become public by then. I think showing her that you can still be friendly is a kindness she will appreciate. Don’t share information with her husband about her or to your husband if he will spill and don’t share information about her husband with her either. If anyone asks just say you aren’t interested in being in the middle or telling any tales out of school since you choose to remain friends with both.
I had a friend go on two dates with my husband’s friend (that they got together at all was a surprise to me after the fact)after meeting at our annual pool party…and it didn’t end well (after taking it to a physical level) lots of angry back and forth angry texting….and now it seems my friend is mad at me since I didn’t ‘take her side’. So sometimes the people involved make the decision on how they want to divide up the friends in a divorce – or in my case AFTER TWO DATES – but all you can do is continue to be your friendly, lovely self and let her decide on what, if anything, she chooses to confide.

[Addie PrayParticipant]

Just saw this! I definitely think you should *not* mention it to the woman because it would get back to your husband and he’d be upset with you, rightfully so. *But* I’d try to get it out of the woman and play dumb when she tells you. (Or at least not reveal that it was your husband who told you – you could just say that you had a suspicion and leave it at that.) But call her anyway and see if she wants to come over for lunch or something. …. Then see where the conversation takes you. … But I guess I want to know: why do you want to talk to her about it? I mean, do you feel bad for her and want to be there for her? Or are you trying to get details? (In which case I’d try to get them from your husband.) Knowing you as well as I can via Dear Wendy and Facebook, I’m sure you want to reach out to her just to lend her support and whatnot. But will that / could that cause a rift with your husband and his business partner? I know you feel close to her, especially considering her kids are BFFs with your kids and whatnot, but maybe, in light of the business relationship b/w your husbands, that you *not* be the shoulder she cries on. Surely she has sisters or a mom or other friends for that. I think you can still be friendly and show support without making it awkward in light of your husbands’ relationship. … I’d probably opt for avoiding any conversations with her about it

[bittergaymarkParticipant]

Yeah, I’d stay out of it as much as you can. Schedule a lunch or something, but only if it won’t seem odd or strange. The fact the guy is in business with your husband means you need to really stay out of this… After all, it’s really none of your business…

[bittergaymarkParticipant]

Who knows, maybe they will have an amicable divorce. They can happen. Though it is rare because most people are too fucking petty and woefully addicted to the bullshit of being “right.”

[AnnaParticipant]

I completely agree with this: “I hate it when you go through a traumatizing break up and feel like your whole world is upside down – and then people treat you like your world is upside down. ”

This is how I felt after my breakup when someone would start a conversation about it and it was either A) someone I didn’t want to talk about it with or B) not a good time to talk about it, like at work when I’m trying to hold it together and be professional.

If she wants to talk about it, she will bring it up. If not, be fun and supportive. Just be a good friend.

[JKParticipant]

Yesterday when the guy told my husband about the separation, my husband said he was going to have to tell me, and the guy said ok (so I “can” know about it now).

After thinking about it last night I realized that was got me really upset about this is because my relationship with my husband has paralleled their relationship a lot: we met at the same place, them a few months before us, we started living together a few months before they got married, our kids similar ages, etc. So it´s like if they can separate, we feasibly could too. Of course I always knew it was possible, but now it seems like a more real possibility, if you get what I mean.
Also, it´s the first couple in our social circles that are separating, so that´s a bit upsetting, too. Not to mention thinking about get togethers, etc. 99% of the time we get together as families (not 1 on 1 basis), except for my husband with the guy, of course.

I think Ipm going to give it a couple of days, and play stupid when I ring my friend. Plus, apparently the parents on either side are butting in, telling them what to do, etc, so a really crappy situation!

[lets_be_honestParticipant]

Just seeing this. I think you’re doing the right thing JK. Sad situation.

[JKParticipant]

Ugh. Just found out my friend is moving out, with the girls to her parents´house. And apparently she´s gone totally psycho, convinced her husband is cheating (supposedly he isn´t, but she´s never been jealous), going through his computer, calling him all day to swear at him.

[LiliParticipant]

That is a really sad story Its devastating to see what divorce does to people we thought were well balanced. Its a very emotionally charged part of life though, so I can understand some of it, but seriously those poor little girls mommy and daddy now hate each other.

BTW, is there anyway you could arrange a playdate for them sooner? I’m just saddened to think how upside down their lives must be at this point and some time with your girls might cheer them up and momentarily distract them from the upheaval going on at home.

[JKParticipant]

Yeah, I think I´ll call my friend tomorrow and tell her to organize when she can come over with them. It is going to be awkward though!

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