July 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm #33887
Ok, here goes. I will try to keep it short…which isnt likely. Occasional poster, but rather not out myself on this one. So Ive been doing online dating very off-on for like a year+ now. I was originally on match, met what I thought was a great guy, but ended epically on New Year’s Eve. (Super fun!) Also, Im almost 32, been in quite a few I love you/long term relationships, even 2 live-ins, but Im obviosly still on the prowl for that special guy.
And a bit of background- Im not ugly. Like at all. And I am 5’11″ (carrying a bit more around the middle than Id like, but from the way I dress, I dont think many ppl would ever notice that). And a redhead. So im ummm…noticeable. Im a lawyer, my own firm.
So like March-ish I decide to sign onto Okcupid…why not it is free, right? Only one pic, from a cookout a few years ago, Ive got sunglasses on, hair in braided pigtails, tank top- yeah, Im trying to not necessarily be recognizable to ppl I work with, etc. Im somewhat selective with who I respond to- at least my height, seem to be doing some kind of thing with their life (ie have passion about something- if not your career, something important), not looking like they could very well audition for Jersey Shore, seem to have actually read and comprehended my profile, etc. My profile says plenty but not too much (at least I think/hope so), including that I do work a lot and that I want to find a guy I want to come home to.
My biggest complaint about online dating is the endless emailing. Like, ask me within a week to go out/meetup/whatever. Give me your damn number, your actual email, something! (Although with the # I will coyly say that Im traditional and give them my number! haha Im so funny.) Because I forget to log on, and only look at the messages on my phone usually (but not respond on phone, it is annoying and time consuming I think), etc is why Im only so active on the site. And the guys tend to fall into 2 main categories- 1.the Text-speakers (Hey gurl! UR 2 sexy 2 b true!) and 2. the Seemingly Normals (hopefully not serial killers). If a guy from #2 is at least my height and fits above basic criteria, i respond.
SO on the Cupid, I think I have now gone out with 3 guys, including this past Thu. 1st one went on 3 dates with, he did the fade (Id realized I wasnt feeling it at all by then), 2nd one we went out once I was kinda iffy on how it went but willing to give him another chance, but he never contacted me again. Which brings me to guy from Thu:
I hate to sound like all like this- but on paper he seemed to be exactly what Im looking for: owns his own business, has a cute dog, pics are decently cute, likes outdoorsy stuff (we are very near the ocean), 6’4″- basically seems to have his shit together. AAAAND he had responded to my usual 1st email of “Well hello there” with something like “Hi, you seem really cool and interesting, we should get dinner or drinks sometime soon. best, Paul@thisisobvsmypersonalworkemail. (Paul made-up name) SO of course I google the company name, and it looks like he is the owner of it…and it is an electrical company of sorts. Ok, im impressed. So he must have his shit together, right? So the next day I email him from MY personal email (which has my website, etc. on it and say yes, and thanks for the direct approach. That was Wed evening, I think. Thu morning he emails me abt getting a drink after work. I say ok, we settle on a place, time, etc.
Let my stop for a second and say that our email exchange only made me have good feelings toward him more, in that I misunderstood something (Ten is a local restaurant as well as the o’clock that I was thinking basically), and left a word out of my mistaken email, but he totally got what I was saying AND blamed himself for being confusing. = Total Gentleman. And I even thanked him for being a gentleman about it after I realized *I* was in the wrong, closed email with “looking forward to seeing you” and he replied then with the same.
SO. (Sorry so long!) I get to the bar/restaurant like a minute before he does, I swoop in for a hug, and so does he…and he has a girly voice than I’d like, but no big deal. So we eat a few apps, both have 3 drinks (over like an hr and a half, Id say), and then I suggest we go for a walk along the river nearby. He says yeah good idea. So we head out of the place and he stops at his car parked nearby and pulls out a pack of Parliament Lights. Now, my profile says I only smoke when I drink, but Ive been a bit stressed lately(more on that later), and Im like OMg that is what I smoke too! KISMET.
Anyway, so we go walk a bit, Im jsut trying to get to know him more, etc, so I sit on this stone bench and he does too, and closely. So Im like YEAH, way to take charge (bc he did seem a bit shy/not taking charge as much as I like a guy to), and he puts his hand on my knee and starts nicely rubbing it, and down my leg (as in, NOT up and creepy). So I reciprocate to a point (more just draping my arm on his leg) and we’re just talking. Im thinking it is going GREAT! Fanstastic! We smoke a couple of butts and after another 45 min or so (it is like 1015, Id said in emailings that I like to be heading toward shower and winding down by 10 during the week), he suggests we head back and I say ok.
So we’re walking back and I grabbed his arm, and kinda let my hand slide down into his, and he is into it. We look adorable i can tell!! SO we head back to our cars, he walks me to mine, he goes in for kiss, but I was already going for hug, so kinda awkward, but we have both our hands in each others, so after the mutual “That was great. Again sometime soon, definitely,” I go in for a closed mouth kiss, and it isnt perfect, but I thought I saved the earlier AWK.
So PERFECT. Im gushing to my friend on the way home and thinking that THAT WAS THE BEST FIRST DATE EVER. Yeah, i probably talked a bit more than he did, but not significantly. And he has his shit together! (He is 34 to my 31 btw, not that it matters.) So Fri like noonish I send him a breezy “Paul, I just wanted to say again that I had a great time last night. Hope the day is treating you well. ;D” To which I have received NOTHING. Emailing on Thu, he responded within like 20 min (like 4-5 times).July 17, 2012 at 7:28 pm #33889
Short. Yeah, right. Good job, Me.
So now for one possible explanation that I alluded to. I live in a small place. LIke everyone knows everyone, I medium city plus outlying cities and towns. SO the news is pretty centric and often politically driven, and there are quite a few slow news days. So just over 3 months ago, I was arrested for a DUI and then refused the chemical test. It was reported online on the local news blotter-y thing for the town this happened in. (As background, Id had a couple, but was fine- had a rear headlight out and when officer pulled me over I told him I was a lawyer, i knew how this went, pls write me a ticket and we can both be on our way. He says to me “your eyes are kinda glossy’,” I look at him in disbelief, and then realize Im going to jail. None of this was in the police report, and the officer made no independent observations or my erratic driving, and pulling me over was allegedly based on a 911 call about a white SUV driving all over the road.)
So this ended up being a slow few news days and after one TV station picked it up, it was news for 3 days and totally mischaracterized everything – “DUI lawyer arrested for DUI” Yeah, Ive been practicing since Novemeber of 09. Just bc my website includes stuff on DUI defense doe s NOT a ‘DUI lawyer’ make. And there were “numerous prescription bottles found in the car”- yeah, those adderal bottles prescribed to me sure are incriminating. So basically, I was vilified on the news for 3 straight days. Thank god some new non-news happened then. Pretty sure it was a corrupt town official story.
Bottom line, I have a pretty unusual name, so even if you google it, a lot of this BS comes up instead of my website 1st. (Anyone know how to fix this??????)
So, Im pretty sure either 1. Im a bad date. or 2. he googled me and saw this BS and thinks that is reason not to touch me with a 10 foot pole. SIGhJuly 17, 2012 at 7:32 pm #33890
Oh- one more thing. THe judge in for the criminal DUI dismissed the charge bc after hearing, judge decided that there was no reasonable suspicion to pull me over. The civil Refusal charge is pending, after a VERY extensive hearing/trial- which would have ever occurred but for the fact that the State prosecutors prosecute the civil charge, and my former partner and i have a HUGE discrimination case pending against the office. That office is so corrupt it makes me sick. Also, the waste of State $ and judicial time when this has already been decided in District Court. UGHJuly 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm #33892
First of all, this was Friday. It’s only Tuesday now. Since you emailed his company address, he probably didn’t read it until Monday. This means it’s only been one day since reading the email that he didn’t respond. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.
Perhaps he did see the DUI issue. That in combination with you having had three drinks on your date might have given him pause. Isn’t three drinks a bit more than what is typical for a first date? I don’t know, because I’ve never really dated that way.
But even if it’s not the alcohol, he might just not be into you. People go on many, many first dates before finding someone to start a relationship with. It doesn’t make you a bad date. It just means that he might not have felt a connection. My primary advice to you is to chill out, honestly. You seem really freaked out over this date, when it was only one date. Don’t think too hard on every person you meet up with at first. There’s no reason to get emotionally attached and have your heart broken when more often than not, first dates don’t lead to relationships.July 17, 2012 at 8:55 pm #33900
I have some questions for you before I can give advice.
What did you like about him?
Do you think you are ready to date? Like is your life and job settled enough?
You seem to have some turmoil in your personal life at the moment. How do you personally feel about your DUI? You seem to be convinced that it might be a deal breaker which I think is strange. Do you have unresolved feelings about it?July 17, 2012 at 9:12 pm #33902
So he has his shit together, is taller than you and smokes your brand. You don’t mention if he was funny, sweet, smart when you met – you do mention the girly voice though. Men are more than a checklist. It definitely is the vibe I’m getting from your email and if that was the vibe he got from you that night then it is likely he won’t call. There is nothing wrong with preferences – I like tall men (though I’m 5’2″) and for the record am a red-headed lawyer with my own firm too – but I don’t roll like I’m taking auditions for the role of boyfriend – or at least I didn’t when I was single. If a guy sees you mentally checking off items in your head (I know I can tell if someone is interested in getting to know me or they are just happy I am “x”)- it just won’t be on. You don’t want anyone to date you because you are a lawyer, with her shit together, who isn’t “at all” ugly, and has a condo, a retirement savings plan and an Audi – do you? You would like someone interested in YOU as a person – yes? You have to bring the same thing to the table – interest in getting to know someone. Slow down a little – get to know the guy behind the stats. Maybe he is considering seeing you again – maybe not – maybe the DUI was on HIS list of deal-breakers (to be honest it would be on mine) – and if you are allowed to opt out the short men he is allowed to opt out of anyone on the 6 o’clock news. For the next guy let a date be a time when you get to meet someone new and maybe learn something you didn’t know before. Don’t get so invested so soon – realize we ALL have flaws, he may have a higher pitched voice than you were interested in and YOU may have had flaws that don’t speak to him. It happens.July 17, 2012 at 10:13 pm #33904
I’m entirely with FireStar. Your rundown of the date errs, at best, to the side of shallow. One good/great date does not a possible relationship make. In my experience, a guy who is really and truly interested is going to get back at you as soon as humanly possible, especially if he thinks you are a catch. And, TBH, you are not coming off as a “catch” when you describe your experience with this date and this DUI. You come off as very self-centered and taking no accountability for your actions in what happened to you – on this date or generally. As someone also in the law field, I understand things can be “corrupt.” But you were drinking enough to have to refuse a chemical test when a trained law enforcement officer thought you were exhibiting signs of driving while intoxicated. And, btw, you having a rear tail light out is r/s to initiate a stop – his bad, perhaps, for not putting that in the report (???).
All of that is an aside to say … you are coming off as if you think your shit don’t stink. And most men aren’t going to find that attractive. That might not have been the case on this date or even the case with you generally, but that’s the vibe that I am reading loud and clear. Maybe this guy read it, too. Or maybe you two weren’t compatible for an entirely different reason. Whatever.
As far as the Google thing, I asked my online media marketing fiance – he says the only way to remedy that is to have those who posted the initial news stories remove them – either entirely or at least from their “searchables”. Which, obviously, is unlikely to happen. It’s going to show the pages that get the most hits linked to your search term. He suggests that you could possibly try a sizeable Google Adwords budget to get the hits to your professional page bolstered, but it is more likely to backfire than help.July 17, 2012 at 10:16 pm #33905
yea, that whole thing seemed very shallow to me… the way you describe yourself (Im not ugly. Like at all.) and then the way that you just say that he has a high voice… i mean, you are looking for more then that, right? its telling about what you picked to explain the whole situation, i think…
anyway, i feel like those “perfect” times are always shared. its always a two way thing… like, you couldnt have had such an awesome time with him if he wasnt having a good time too… so, yea, maybe he did find your dui. and if that was his line, thats his line. you wouldnt want to date him for a while and later, after the investment of emotions and time, find out that a dui is a dealbreaker!
if you dont hear from him by thurs (i’d say a week is a long enough time to give someone- maybe he just really sucks at actually communicating but was excited for a first date too or maybe he has been really busy… he does own his own business, right?), send him another email. if you dont hear from him after that, then let it go. he wasnt meant for you. i mean he could have accidentally lost your email, like there could be a million reasons he didnt/hasnt yet responded. give him some time, email him again, and go from there… and also, try to find a guy you actually connect with. not a checklist that will “look good” standing next to you, which is kind of what i feel like you are currently looking for…July 17, 2012 at 10:37 pm #33906
I’m not going to be hard on you, because I know what it’s like to online date and have your criteria. I would encourage you to look beyond height, though. There are some great shorter guys!
Anyway, yeah, it’s over. Sorry, but from my experience, if there’s not a “we should do this again” at the end of a first date, and a tentative time/date planned, you won’t hear from him again. It’s just the nature of things. If he didn’t respond to your email in a timely fashion, it’s definitely over.
Maybe he just didn’t feel a connection, maybe he found the DUI, maybe he just generally sucks at dating and/or life. You’ll never know. And that blows, because it makes you doubt your own instincts.
But write it off as one of those online dating things and move on.July 17, 2012 at 10:44 pm #33907
Yeah I think it’s over as well – it’s been about 6 days since your first date and no additional date scheduled. I get it – you think you’re great. Maybe he didn’t think you were so great. You haven’t thought every guy you met was perfect or the right kind of guy for you. Let this one go. And focus a little more on the inside and less on outside factors such as smoking the same brand and height and dog pictures. Just be genuine – everyone has things about themselves that they want to cover up – a DUI is pretty serious but you technically didn’t get one since the judge dismissed the case (is this right?). So just know going forward that people may question you on it but be honest and don’t play the victim (it’s a pretty unattractive trait). Good luck going forwardJuly 17, 2012 at 10:47 pm #33909
I’m thinking he’s just not into you. That doesn’t mean that you were a bad date OR that he found out about your DUI, though he might have. Sometimes people just don’t click. You need to relax – first dates are often the only dates.July 18, 2012 at 12:45 am #33913
In my personal experience, messaging a guy after the date to tell him you had a good time has about a 10% success rate. It gives off an aggressive vibe (no matter how breezy your message was), and steals their thunder – THEY are the ones who want to send that message and suggest a second date. Besides, guys can usually tell if a woman had a good time – your body language and light contact says it all.July 18, 2012 at 10:02 am #33922
I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and reason that you may not have expressed yourself the way you intended to. Words can easily come out wrong. And maybe the whole “I’m not ugly. Like at all” came from your need to defend the stigma (the DYING stigma), that people that resort to online dating must have something wrong with them. It did come across as shallow, but I choose to give you a pass on that since I don’t know you.
There were also some comments that it was shallow to be looking for a tall guy. I also get that. I am 5’7″ (not nearly as tall as you). I have dated much shorter guys. I once dated a guy that was five foot nothing. Very briefly. I honestly felt really weird and the attraction just wasn’t there because of the height difference. I tried to fight it because I didn’t want to be shallow. But, we all have things that just don’t do it for us physically. So, no big deal there. You’re not a jerk for wanting a taller guy.
As for actual advice… online dating can go so many different ways. I have had online dates where I didn’t hear from the person for days/weeks… and then they turn up again out of the blue. You have to realize that often people that are online dating are dating multiple people at once. They are putting a lot of fishing lines out there to see what bites and what is the best catch. So, he may be feeling out another situation before he responds to you. Don’t take offense. It’s common. I wouldn’t give up hope… but I would also throw out more of your own lines. And, whatever you do, do not text or e-mail this guy more than once more (Something like “Hope you’re doing well. Let me know if you want to meet up again. Take care” will suffice). The ball is in his court now.
As far as the DUI thing goes… yea, that is rightfully many people’s dealbreakers. In the future, I might put that out there as soon as possible. Most people WILL google you, so why not be honest from the get-go. I think a short explanation would go a long way. Tell them you only had two drinks and it was an unfortunate set of circumstances. You wish it didn’t happen and that you have vowed to be more careful in the future. It doesn’t matter if you feel you were unfairly treated by a crooked system. It is just going to come across as a big red flag if you try to play the victim. You were drinking before you got behind the wheel. Those are the facts. I mostly agree that having one or two beers over a few hours isn’t really a big deal. So, maybe explaining it before hand will and stating that you are so much more careful these days will help you out. Hearing it from you is better than hearing it from the internet.
Good luck. As others suggested, I think it is a good idea to relax and not go crazy over this one guy and this one date. It takes a lot of work and luck and chemistry to take dating into something real.July 18, 2012 at 10:27 am #33926
I didn’t have time to comment on this last night but I just wanted to add something. I used to work as a DA. I find it – I’m not sure what the word is – typical? not surprising? that you feel like ‘the system is corrupt man’! I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt – maybe the prosecutors are out to get you because of the suit you filed against their office. But nowhere did you deny drinking and driving. Whenever people try to get out of DUI’s they always blame it on outside factors – the cops had no reason to pull me over – the judge was biased – the blood sample was contaminated – they never deny committing the offense of driving under the influence. If you did it – which you admit – own it. It comes off as projecting the blame onto others. Not having a headlight is breaking the law – and a reason to pull you over. You seem to think you’re “above the law” and he might have picked up on that and not respected it. I know I would have a hard time getting past someone saying they got a DUI but it was everyone else’s fault – after they told me they drank and then drove. I would however have no problem dating someone with a DUI that was just like ‘yeah I made a mistake – I was being stupid – lesson learned – now I know the cost of a cab from anywhere to anywhere in this city, haha’.
I get it – you’re passionate about what you do. There is a guy out there that will be just as passionate about defense work as you are. You seem to have very strong beliefs and you need to find someone that matches those because honestly from an outsiders point of view hearing someone say the system is corrupt and out to get them makes me think they are a little unbalanced at best. A conspiracy theorist at worst with tin foil on their walls.July 18, 2012 at 10:56 am #33934
I was trying to say that, but you said it better. Be more upfront and mature about the whole thing. More people will respect someone who has learned a lesson than someone whining about how they were mistreated.
We all mistakes. If the case is she truly only had a beer or two… well, fine. But, she still had them. And she was still driving with a light out. So, just own it. I am trying not be overly harsh with her. But, I do thinking making some adjustments could help her cause.
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