June 10, 2012 at 8:42 pm #29421
Long time reader, first time advic-seeker and all that….
I guess I´ll have to set the scene a bit here. I live and study in a small european town, very pretty, very small. There are lots of bars and everything, but most of those are for tourists, and there´s really just one for students.
So, Saturday night I went to that bar with a few friends, we arrived at about 11 p.m. and they left at 1-ish. I decided to stay because I didn´t feel like going home and I knew enough people there to not be “alone”.
So, I see this one guy that I had talked to a few weeks ago, and we hit it off! He pays for my drinks, we talk, dance, play some table soccer and talk some more. His friends leave at maybe 2 a.m. and he stays. There´s no kissing, but def. flirting and I think that maybe he´s shy and doesn´t want to kiss in front of people?
Eventually, the bar closes at something like 5 a.m. and we go outside. We sit outside for a bit and get asked by one girl if we´re together, to which he doesn´t say anything and which I answer with a swift but neutral No.
He says he wants to walk me home and I´m like well, finally. We start walking and he puts his arm around my shoulder and we talk some more. I kind of try to initiate a kiss but he deflects. Yeah you probably know where this is going, but I did not. Because I´m stupid.
We pass a playground and decide to go there. We share some really personal stories and finally just hug forever, there´s another “moment” and he deflects AGAIN. So I finally ask him what´s wrong and of course he says (rather sheepishly) that he has a gf.
I was pretty flabbergasted (although in hindsight, of course! How the eff did I not see that!), and told him that I felt that he had been misleading me. And also, that while yeah, good job on not actually cheating on his gf, that was still really uncool. He thinks about it and apologizes. Insists on walking me home (in awkward silence…) and we say goodbye.
Okay, now the advice part: This is so stupid, but I actually like him.
What do I do?
How do I react when I inevitably see him again? (He´s not a student, but hangs out with a lot of students)
Why the hell didn´t he tell me he had a gf? I mean he obviously didn´t want to cheat on her anyway, so what was the point? (To be clear, to me it was cheating territory what he did, but you know, technically…)
And lastly: who´s going to pound some sense in my head and tell me to forget about him?
Also, age-wise, were 26+29, if that´s relevant. I know I should know better by now, but somehow I missed the whole dating thing when I was younger and was always in long-term, commited relationships.
P.S: English is not my first language so sorry if some terms are used wrong.June 10, 2012 at 9:19 pm #29422
This one is easy. Stay away. Stay faaaaarrrr away. This has potential for some MAJOR drama you don’t want to deal with, trust me.
Yes, he was flirting with you. Yes, he probably was sending signals. But do you REALLY want to get involved with a guy who goes behind his girlfriend’s back like that? Do yourself a HUGE favor and MOA from this jerk. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.June 10, 2012 at 10:58 pm #29423
He has a gf, stay away from him. If you do see him again cause you hang out at the same places just say hi. Why would you want to get involved with someone who already has a gf? Go find someone who is not already in a relationship.June 10, 2012 at 11:05 pm #29424
Don’t get involved with him. Hopefully you can still manage to be friendly when you run into him in public places. A simple “hi” will do just fine. Maybe it will help you to remember that he had been drinking, which can sometimes lead people to push boundaries they wouldn’t otherwise push. It was an indiscretion, but not unforgivable.June 11, 2012 at 3:55 am #29432
1) Cara your English is amazing! Seriously, considering it’s not your first language, you write better than most native speakers.
2) Avoid him and don’t get involved unless you’re seeking some crazy drama. Would you even want to be with a guy that would do that while having a girlfriend?June 11, 2012 at 6:52 am #29434
Cara, While not everyone agrees with the term, what he was doing could be described as emotional cheating. At best, he didn’t realize that he was leading you on and flirting (but I doubt it), and at worst he was flirting with the idea of cheating on his girlfriend and in the ended decided not to (but he ego was surely enjoying the idea that he could have). Even if he were to break up with his GF today, you don’t want to be in a relationship with this guy. He’s already shown you that when his GF isn’t around he likes to flirt with other women and put himself into a position where cheating would be easy. Think about how’d you’d feel being his GF and knowing that he’s out at a bar on the nights that you can’t be there given what you’ve learned about him. I think developing a relationship beyond platonic friend with this guy would be setting yourself up for heartache latter on down the road. Trust that you’ll find someone else around that’s cute, fun to talk to, and single.
On a separate note, your english is fine. And like HmC said, I’ve seen a lot worse from native speakers too. The only two grammar mistakes that I noticed are that you put the period outside of the quotation marks when you ended the sentence with a quoted word and that you missed the apostraphe mark in we’re. I point these out to you to try and be helpful since you seemed a little nervous about your english.June 11, 2012 at 6:54 am #29435
And I shouldn’t have capitalized While and misspelled apostrophe, doh.June 11, 2012 at 7:22 am #29436
Okay, duh! Thank you everyone, I needed to hear that. I guess I just really liked the idea I had of him before I knew that he had a girlfriend. There are not too many guys who are cute, single and my age around… But he´s not single, so that´s everything I need to know.
The worst thing is that I thought at first that it was somehow commendable that he didn´t cheat, but of course that´s BS.
I think he´ll avoid going to the bar for a while, so I don´t think I´ll see him.
@Brad: Thank you for pointing out my mistakes, after you reach a certain level of fluency nobody does that anymore!June 11, 2012 at 8:12 am #29437
Yeah, the guy is full of himself. He probably thinks it was commendable that he didn’t cheat but he pretty much did cheat. Emotional cheating is cheating too. If it feels wrong it likely is wrong. I doubt that he went home and told his gf that he talked all night with this other girl and then walked her home because in everyone’s book that is crossing the line.
Don’t date this guy. He’ll likely do the same thing to you. Most of the time people act this way it’s less about the person they’re cheating on (ie: his girlfriend) and more about themselves.June 11, 2012 at 8:25 am #29439
Also, you shouldn’t be so trusting. This guy could have done anything to you, on the way to your home :SJune 11, 2012 at 8:40 am #29440
Caris: he wasn’t a random stranger, I know his friends (one of them was my roommate for a while), so it was probably safer that he walked me home. As I said, reaaally small town,everyone knows everyone.
Muffy: Exactly what I told him when he at first didn’t get why I was upset.
I’ll stay away from him, he mostly just used me to get some human warmth that he doesn’t get from his LDR right now.June 11, 2012 at 8:50 am #29443
Eh, I don’t think this guy is necessarily an ass or using your or anything. He likes you! He clearly is not in a good relationship. Otherwise, he would not be at that bar alone chatting with you and warming up to you. It’s not like he’s married or engaged or anything. Who knows how serious he is with his girlfriend. They could break up tomorrow. Or maybe he is very serious with her and likes female attention on the side. Who knows! This is how people date – they date someone, it doesn’t work out, it starts to fizzle, they meet someone new they want to see…. No big deal. Maybe he’ll stay with his girlfriend. Maybe he’ll realize it’s not right and break up and then give Cara a call. … All this to say, I don’t think his behavior was creepy or out of line. Sure, I wouldn’t want my boyfriend out with another girl until 5 am but clearly his relationship is not good and not going to last. So, Cara, don’t write him off.
Having said that, I don’t think, Cara, you should let him continue to hang out with you. This is the part where I have messed things up in my similar situations. I think you need to make it clear where you stand – you like him and would like to get to know him, but you can’t because he has a girlfriend. If he figures out what he wants, he can reach out to you when the timing is right and he is not taken, and you can see then if you’re still interested.June 11, 2012 at 9:53 am #29453
I don’t think he behaviour was creepy either, but it was just not right. IF his relationship doesn’t work out I’ll be in a very tough spot though, because while I like him, that would be so much pressure!
Guess I’ll wait and see.
Bonus awkward: my friend fb stalked him and accidentally friended him. Yay…. Embarrassing but somehow hilarious. First entry on her wall is a youtube link to the song “Call your girlfriend”June 11, 2012 at 10:19 am #29458
Cara, your english is stupendous, really. I wouldnt have crossed my mind that you werent a native speaker if you hadnt pointed it out.
AP, I think you are awesome, but I have to disagree with you here. What this guy did was WRONG if he is in a relationship. I think there are very very few exceptions to the rule of Guy-Buying-Your-Drinks=FLIRTING. Those few exceptions involve drinking with colleagues and losing bets. Cant think of any other time when dude buying a chick’s drink is NOT flirting.
And who wants a bf who would buy another chick drinks AND put his arm around her shoulder walking her home???? Not me, that is for sure. His behavior the whole night with you was NOT COOL.
Oh, he deflected at obvious kissy moments? How admirable!! (NO, this is sarcastic.)
I know crushes are fun, especially when you know there is no chance of it happening. (Matthew Mconaughy, anyone? Umm Ryan Reynolds? Peter Facinelli still does is for me, too…) But let’s play out this “ideal” scenario for a moment: So he breaks it off w/ gf. (Bc you are so fabulous, you stole his heart that night he would do everything couplsey but kiss you!) And he confesses to you that you are his one and only! You start dating. How perfect! But then one night you are tired, but he wants to go out. You beg him to stay in and cuddle on the couch! You all can just chill and watch a movie, after all! But he insists on going out. What are you going to be thinking all night until he comes home at 5am? THAT HE IS MACKING ON SOME OTHER GIRLL BC HE LIKES THAT KIND OF ATTENTION. (And yes, I kist said “macking.” Back off, Judgey McJudgerton.) You dating him would not be a good thing. Wouldnt you drive yourself crazy always wondering wondering wondering if he is/will do the same bit on another chick? I would.
Cara, keep up the good work with your english, and stay AWAY from this guy. Good luckJune 11, 2012 at 10:22 am #29459
*kist =just. Dunno how I pulled that one off. haha And yes, “girl” only has one “l”. Oops. There should be an edit button.
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