He has a Gf

[CarisParticipant]

I agree with rilooyah

[rilooyahParticipant]

I knew I liked you, Caris.

[CarisParticipant]

[CaraParticipant]

So, I saw him tonight.

There was a soccer game that everbody watched and afterwards me and my friends went to the bar. He came in very late, about an hour before the bar closed. I acknowledged that he was there by nodding, and he watched me dance. When the bar closed, I went to get my bike, when I heard my name.

He was standing there with a friend of his and had called me over, just when I was about to bike away. I stopped and talked to them. He said he would walk me home. (His friend yelled something about: “He doesn´t have a girlfriend!” but I didn´t really understand)
I said that I didn´t think that would be a good idea. He apologized and said to call him if I wanted to talk (nevermind that I don´t have his number).
His friend and I biked home and he said something along the lines of that he didn´t understand why he didn´t go with us, but made a detour.

So, I guess, there are a few options now:

1. He broke up with his gf, but was too shy to say so himself.

2. He broke up with his gf and is unsure about how I feel about him.

3. He´s still with his gf, likes me, but feels bad about it.

4. ???

At least I now know that I didn´t imagine that there was something between us. He doesn´t frequent that bar very often, has to work tomorrow and pretty much knew I would be there. So, he did come to see me. I guess.

This whole thing is a real mess. I know, everybody said that it was awful that he flirted with me while he was with his gf, but I have to say, if he did break up with her right after?
I don´t think that would be too bad, because then he would have just realized that things don´t
work out and immediately remedied* his mistake…

Am I desperately justifying his behaviour?

*Is that a word?

[CarisParticipant]

You are justifying his behavior. Just find some else that you actually KNOW if they are single or not.

[ZeppParticipant]

I dont think it was bad at all if he spent the night with her, really liked her, (didnt actually cheat) and then broke up with his girlfriend. Whats wrong with that? You have to be 100% in love and happy until the very day you break up? Thats crazy. What if he thought him and his girlfriend were just in a rough patch, than he met Cara, and *really* liked her, and then realized he didn’t want to be with his girlfriend anymore. I mean, I get thats classic serial monogomist behavior, but oh well. I think being a serial monogomist is overly villified.

That said, find out if him and his girlfriend are actually broken up. It shouldn’t be too hard to do if you have mutual friends, and there’s no rush.

[MuffyParticipant]

I’m going to come right out and say it: the guy needs to grow the eff up. Too scared to tell you he broke up with his girlfriend?

Anyways, if he broke up with his girlfriend he’s all yours. There’s nothing wrong with falling in love with someone else. It happens and if he did break up with her he did the right thing. Now if he had carried on some sort of affair behind her back, well that’s just mean. But he didn’t. So to answer your question I don’t think that he’s a bad person but I do think he needs to just tell you instead of playing these is he or isn’t he games with your head – it’s so childish.

[Addie PrayParticipant]

@rilooyah: I agree with you that a guy in a relationship shouldn’t hang out with another girl, flirty, walk her home, put his arm around her, etc. And if this guy did that multiple times, hid it from his girlfriend, and then went back to his girlfriend, well then he’s a big douche who clearly likes the attention.

But, like Zepp said, what’s wrong if he realized he liked Cara more and realized that his relationship was not good and went back and broke up with her? That’s what dating is about. No one is perfectly happy one minute and then the next unhappy and breaks up. The second you start to have doubts about your relationship, no one expects you to go break up! So this guy is having some doubts maybe and meets Cara and enjoys talking to her; he doesn’t let anything happen; but he goes home and thinks about his relationship and decides whether he wants to stay in the relationship or get out. That process can take some time! …. So that’s all I’m saying. Again, if this guy has a habit of sneaking behind his GF’s back for some lady attention and then goes back to the GF, fine, *that* guy is bad. But there’s no reason to assume this guy is like that. Especially with Cara’s update? It sounds like the guy broke up. I’d talk to him, Cara. See what he says? If he broke up with his girlfriend, see if he can win you back / make up for leading you on that night by taking you on a proper date.

[MuffyParticipant]

nevermind I read this wrong – I thought you had biked home with the guy in question not his friend. You can ignore the childish/grow the eff up stuff. Maybe just show some interest in him next time you guys are out, flirt with him. And if he doesn’t say anything from that you could say “so your friend last night told me that you and your girlfriend are no longer together”, listen to his answer, and then play it by there.

[Addie PrayParticipant]

@Muffy: These are a bunch of kids in college, I think. They’re drunk outside a bar and he’s with his buddy and he sees a girl he (clearly) likes (Cara) and … yea, he’s being a silly college kid. I wouldn’t hold that one night / silliness against him. I think this guy needs to step up to the plate, go the extra mile, ask you out, apologize for making you uncomfortable (both the first night and again when he’s shouting after you with his friend there), and then you can see if you like him.

I know my standards can be low sometimes but I really don’t think this is the case where the guy is a douche and Cara should tell him off and move on.

[CaraParticipant]

For further references I´ll call him HGR. Human Golden Retriever. He really does remind me of one.

Anyway, HGR is 29. He´s also not in college, but works as an environmental engineer, so he shouldn´t be that immature. I think he feels really bad about himself right now, that´s why he acted so weird yesterday.
I don´t even know if dating would be such a good idea, he´s just out of a relationship…

Addie, the whole “proper” date thing won´t happen, it´s just not customary here. Maybe if it´s a blind date or something, but usually relationships happen because you have common friends and just hang out together a lot. That goes for every age group, not just college. Unfortunately.

I don´t really know what I´ll do, I´m just not going to force anything. If he likes me, it´s his turn to make a move.

I´ll keep you updated!

[BudjParticipant]

I’m confused. He did make moves…two moves to be exact…even if those moves were subtle.

Personally, I think it’s hogwash he couldn’t manage to act a little more gentlemenly during your initial hang out…even if he did feel chemistry. If I were you I’d be worried he would do the same to me.

That said….you might need to make the move. He didn’t go home with you that night with his friend because you told him not to walk you home…the metaphorical “ball” seems to be in your “court.”

[FabelleParticipant]

Whaaat. Okay, the first part was pretty shady behavior but I do find it understandable if he decided he liked you & decided to end his (long distance?) relationship. However, the whole thing with his friend blurting “He doesn’t have a girlfriend!” like a 12-year-old is kind of a turn-off? At 29, can this guy NOT tell you himself “Hey, my relationship is over now & I want to get to know you”? I mean, even a dude who just wanted to bang would probably say something himself.

With that said, maybe let him walk you home again one night? He could have wanted to talk with you in more detail on the way or something.

[CaraParticipant]

Ah, crap, I don´t want the ball to be in my court

@Fabelle, yeah I thought that was really weird of his friend, too. And yes he was (is?) in a LDR. Next soccer game is on sunday, so I´ll probably see him then, put my big girl panties on and just talk to him about what this whole thing is supposed to be.

It´s really helpful to hear all of your perspectives on this. I´m aware that this sounds a bit like teenage drama, but I don´t often meet someone I like.

[BudjParticipant]

“I´m aware that this sounds a bit like teenage drama, but I don´t often meet someone I like.”

I can empathize with that! Met a co-worker (1 of 3 in a work force of over 3000 that I would consider dating) that I’m not sure if she’s married or not (pretty sure not…but playing it cool) and the flirtatious cues are spotty… I’m definitely not saying anything until the project we are working on has concluded. That could potentially be awkward…

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