He has a Gf

[CaraParticipant]

Do you only work on the project together or do you normally work together aswell, just not as closely? Any chance you can find out if she´s married, without flat-out asking her?

I get you with the 3 of 3000.. I don´t really get how people can date around so much, I either like someone (very rarely happens and so far has resulted in two long-term relationships and didn´t work out one other time, except for a short -term “thing”) or it´s just not happening.
I really have never dated, 1. because it´s uncommon here and 2. because spending one on one time with someone I don´t already like seems so weird to me.

[BudjParticipant]

Agreed. Maybe I’m not cut out for the American dating scene, haha. I know pretty much immediately if I have a spark with someone…within the first second of a greeting and eye contact. Obviously that doesn’t mean we would work…it’s just the feeling you get that few people are able to make you feel (maybe pheromones…idk)…so to find that so sparingly…and on top of that having an even smaller number of people that actually personality-wise and lifestyle-wise fit with you it really is tough.

Well – I’m assuming she will mention a husband here over the next few months – the work I do is at a microscope and I don’t always have work related stuff to say so casual conversation happens…and I only work with her on this project. She isn’t in my department. I work with a lot of different departments as I am a “problem-solver / CSI guy” for issues that arise in my companies research / production / customers. So after this project is done it could be years before I work with her again.

[CarisParticipant]

Ok so this guy:

*Flirted and lead you on while in a relationship (not cool)

*Didn’t understand why you got upset about it

*Doesn’t have the balls to straight up tell you wtf is up with him

*May or may not have a gf

I’d just forget about him for hiding his rs status and leading me on. I would be scared he would do the same to me. Maybe I read it wrong but it sounds like you two only talked like once or twice? And after such little time with you he decided to ditch his gf? Sounds really weird to me.
Also, if he just broke up with her, I’d wait some time before going out with him.

Question: How long have you known each other? How well do you actually know him? How many times have you talked to him one on one?

ps: I’m getting the impression that he just wants to have sex with you and that’s it.

[CaraParticipant]

Oof. We´ve known OF each other for a while and have talked a few times prior to Saturday, but not more than superficial stuff. And then we talked on Saturday basically for a few hours (5?). I don´t know him well at all!
I don´t think he ditched his gf for me! If they broke up, then because the relationship was faltering anyway, not because he thinks I´m his one true love or anything, and maybe meeting me was just when he realized that things don´t work out with her I guess. But I don´t fancy myself so irresistible that I´d believe I´m the reason. Which is why even if we´d ever become a couple (and I´m seriously not thinking that far, I don´t even know if I want a relationship in general), I wouldn´t be overly concerned about him doing the same to me. He knows he messed up and is really sorry about having done that, but I don´t think that one would do that in a healthy relationship. Not cheating in general, but trying to actually get to know someone and allowing for “sparks”. At least I wouldn´t.

As I said I´d take things slow anyway, I would have to get to know him first.

About the just sex thing…oomph, everything is possible I guess, but I don´t really think so. First off, if that´s his thing, he´d have been way more aggressive and secondly, he´s just really so not the type. I could be wrong, but don´t really think so.

I feel like you´re thinking a lot about the gf´s side of things, and I get that, but I didn´t do anything wrong. I haven´t encouraged him to do anything after he told me that he has a gf, turned him down because I wasn´t sure if he still has a gf or not. And if he still has a gf I would continue to do so.

[CaraParticipant]

and to one: I agree, not cool.

to 2: I think that might have been because he didn´t want to see himself in that light. It took him a few minutes, but in the end he did get it.

[CarisParticipant]

I’m not saying you did anything wrong and yes I’m viewing it from the gf’s perspective.

I say proceed with caution.

[HmCParticipant]

“About the just sex thing…oomph, everything is possible I guess, but I don´t really think so. First off, if that´s his thing, he´d have been way more aggressive and secondly, he´s just really so not the type. I could be wrong, but don´t really think so. ”

Hi Cara- This particular point you made kind of stuck in my craw so I just wanted to point out… why do you associate a guy just wanting sex with being aggressive? Those two things are really unrelated in my mind. Someone can be very mild mannered and non-aggressive, and still only want sex from you. It’s kind of amazing how guys (and yes sorry to be sexist, but I’m speaking from my own experience) can be SO patient when they feel they are working towards sex. They say all the right things, and maybe even they believe that they want more than sex, but even that doesn’t always mean they do. You don’t have to be a physically aggressive rapist to only want sex, you know?

Maybe I misread what you wrote or derived meaning where there wasn’t, but just wanted to point out this one issue. Overall… yeah it seems pretty shady to me, and you have nothing to lose by proceeding with caution, as Caris said above. His friend was yelling that he doesn’t have a girlfriend? Did you consider the possibility that he was just trying to get his friend laid? Do you know and trust his friend? I dunno… whether someone has a girlfriend shouldn’t be some huge question mark. That alone indicates shadiness to me, like he doesn’t want to mess things up with her or with you, so he’s just going to kind of ride it in the middle so he can maximize his chances with both of you. But maybe I’m projecting.

As far as what some others have said about it being ok to leave one person for another- well yeah. Dating, for many people, is a process of deciding whether that person is right for you, while marriage, or a lifelong commitment, is maintaining that commitment. So I could see situations where leaving someone for someone else is theoretically ok, and not like leaving a spouse or something. But honestly, just from my experience, people that drag on relationships they don’t want to be in, or who magically find someone else that does it for them and then they drop their current squeeze for a new one? They’re either young, or not very mature or kind. There are exceptions, of course, and context matters. But just in my experience, someone who makes that kind of choice isn’t someone I want to be with. But I’m really turned off by serial monogamists, people who are afraid to be alone, or people that stay with someone when they don’t feel particularly deep feelings for them because I’m really turned off by what I perceive to be a lack of sensitivity.

[CaraParticipant]

I meant aggressive in terms of flirting more aggressively. I know guys who will say all the right things to get laid and so far am pretty good about weeding them out (I´m not really into fake compliments, and you can usually tell if someone´s actually interested in what you have to say or not). I feel that if he had wanted just sex, that would be an awful lot of trouble to get some. Plus, it´s not like I´m the only option out there for that. I trust my instincts in so far that I can say that that´s not what he´s after.

I know what you´re saying about his friend, and I´m not sure about that either. I know his friend, but not well at all. I didn´t really give him a chance to say anything last time we talked, so everything is kind of open still.

I´m not a fan of the whole “always being in a relationship for the sake of being in one” thing either, but I´m also not thinking that far. I like him, so far, and that´s rare so I do want to get to know him better (if he´s single), that´s all.

I know that the situation is messy but the truth is that there are no guys around here that I like. I´ve been here for a year now, and got to know tons of people and this is the first time that I felt like there´s the possibility of something.

[rilooyahParticipant]

Caris, doll, you and I are once again on the same page!! Also HmC, good stuff as well!

Cara, WHY do you want something to progress with this guy? I GET that you dont often spark w dudes (ahem, REALLY get it). But I will reiterate what I said before- if you start dating/staying over at each other’s places/living together, and one night he wants to go out and you adamantly dont, and he is out until 5am…what are you going to be sitting at home thinking about????? Uuuuhhh, Im going with him hanging out with another chick, doing the same stuff he recently did with you while he was in a relationship.

I just dont see a good outcome in this. I dont. At all. And if he DID (which I DOUBT- yes, friend was being a wingman) just get out of a relationship at the age of 29…then he needs time to process that. Not hop into something with you. Yeah, Im sure the ego boost was nice when you noticed he was watching you dance and then tried to walk you home, but you deserve SO MUCH MORE.

Please please think long and hard about any future dealings with him. Not many options should NOT equal anything-that-comes-along-must-be-a-good-thing. You are worth more than that.

[HmCParticipant]

Ah, I see what you’re saying with the aggression thing. But I do have to reiterate, that I used to kind of feel like this–> “I feel that if he had wanted just sex, that would be an awful lot of trouble to get some” until I got a bit more experience and realized that yeah, some guys will GO to that trouble if they really want to get you in the sack. Maybe they want more than that, but, it’s kind of amazing actually, the lengths some guys will go to.

And it kind of worries me how much you bring up that this kind of spark doesn’t happen for you often. So what? That doesn’t mean that he’s on the up and up, if anything it seems like the rarity of feeling this way might help you justify some otherwise shady behavior. I don’t think you’re really meant to feel a huge spark with people constantly anyway, there’s nothing wrong with not feeling it often, and an attraction or “spark” does not mean that this is a good guy. A spark, to me, more likely indicates attraction than true compatibility. Don’t let the fact that you don’t feel it often to cloud your judgement. So many girls seem to say that- “I never feel this way!’, only to get caught up with a bad dude, and then later connect with someone better for them.

Sorry if I sound lecture-y… you do seem to have good judgment. But, so many of us feel like we do right? It’s hard to see things clearly when you’re in the middle of them. And, maybe this guy is a good guy and he’s not with his girlfriend anymore. I just advise to take it slow, and don’t think that this spark is some super original amazing thing that indicates you guys will be good together. Trust me, we’ve all felt it. It doesn’t always mean good things!

[Addie PrayParticipant]

i think we all need to stop over-analyzing this situation and Cara needs to go sleep with the guy and see where things progress from there. for the love of gawd. Cara, i give you permission. be safe!

[CarisParticipant]

It would suck if she slept with him and then find out he is still with his gf.

[katieParticipant]

spark with someone does not equal that someone being a good person, does not equal a good relationship, and it does not equal a “soulmate” kind of situation where he is the only one you will ever have a spark with.

dont confuse those things.

[iwannatalktosampsonParticipant]

I lol’ed AP.

I agree be cautious – but I think a lot of commenters here are being overly dramatic. If you see him again just ask – maybe with his friends around. Like “oh hey your girlfriend didn’t come tonight?” If he doesn’t have a girlfriend anymore – great – you’re free to explore this new boy. Otherwise you can keep it moving. I don’t think we need to look into every single reason he might have broken up with her if that is in fact what happened. People break up all the time – and I agree it would be a little narcissistic to think it was because of you. Has no one ever stuck around in a shitty relationship for too long – and then had some added motivation to leave? I don’t think that makes him a shitty guy or a shitty person. Hell for all we know maybe she broke up with him. Maybe she cheated on him and they were on a break – only to now officially be broken up. I mean we don’t know!

What I’m saying is cut all the crap and just ask him next time you see him!

[rilooyahParticipant]

Cara, is there an update?

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