June 15, 2012 at 8:28 am #30097
Google is not always my friend. While I know to take what I read with more than a pinch of salt, I find it far too easy to convince myself I’m really ill or pregnant. After some experiencing some symptoms (nausea, tiredness, weird boob behaviour) and suddenly being able to come up with several instances of less than perfect B.C use, I had myself convinced yesterday that I was up the duff. Being on the mini-pill I tend to only get ‘periods’ about 4 times a year, which does not help matters! To my relief I took a test this morning and it was negative, phew!
However it got me thinking. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years and we’ve only really discussed having children in the “yeah, someday” kind of way. He is 8 years older than me and already has a son from a previous relationship (luckily we all get on really well). So I know it is something he’d like to do in the next 5 years or so, but right now I am soooooo not ready. It concerns me that we don’t have an agreed plan in place in case of an unplanned pregnancy.
I would prefer a) to be older, b) be more financially secure and c) probably married, before we start on a family. I want to travel and see a bit of the world before we’re more tied down, own a house, find a career path (still have no idea what to do with my life in that regard), just as examples off the top of my head. To be totally honest if I did become pregnant right now, I don’t think I’d want to go through with it.
So, my questions are: How do you go about discussing something so sensitive? Could I/you live with the decision to terminate a pregnancy with a man I do see myself having kids with ‘one day’? Aside from being super careful with contraception, how do I stop myself freaking out at the tiniest symptom? And even though we haven’t discussed it yet, how do you deal with a situation where the two parties have completely different ideas?
Sorry for the novella, just want to get my own thoughts straight before I bring it up. Any input, advice, suggestions gratefully received.June 15, 2012 at 9:01 am #30115
well, i would first be very good about taking your birth control, and either switch methods (im planning on getting an IUD soon for more peace of mind) or add a method, like condoms. that totally made me feel better… i was just like you too- i thought i was pregnant every month, literally, when i used to just use condoms. it was a terribly stressful cycle. now, using condoms and the pill, when i dont get my period at the exact time i am supposed to, i can rest assured that it is just something weird in my body (for instance, i was supposed to get it on tuesday- i didnt get it until overnight into weds because i was sick on tues..) and not because im pregnant. i know that i am good about my birth control, and if you are good about it, it is just under 100%. i can live with that. also, educate yourself on a womans body and all the factors that play into our cycles. there are a ton of things that can make your period late, not just a pregnancy… having a period takes a pretty huge amount of calories and you also lose a lot of blood and protein. if the body isnt healthy enough to do it, it wont. it is a life function that isnt essential to survival (those have a special name… dang it), and so if the body is under stress, it will shut it off.
as for talking with your boyfriend, why dont you say, wow i really thought i was pregnant. i even went out and bought a test. that was the scariest thing i have encountered, and it made me think of what we would do if i really did become pregnant… we need to talk about this. and then have the conversation. you would have to have this conversation whether you agreed or not about an un-planned pregnancy… because you dont agree on it, it might be a tough conversation to have, so i would make some rules at the beginning to be able to actually get through it- whatever you want, but things like, i will let you finish your thought before i start my own, no shouting, we must come to a compromise, ect…
and also, i know a couple who had an abortion when they were young, i think in early college years, and they just had a baby girl in february. so it does happen.June 15, 2012 at 9:07 am #30121
You need to just bring it up. In my sexual relationships with anybody, the topic usually comes up on it’s own– but that’s because the guys are usually very concerned about potential preganancy. Since your boyfriend is older, & already has a son, maybe “accidents” aren’t on his radar? I assume he knows you’re on birth control though, so maybe use that as a starting point for the discussion. “Birth control isn’t always 100% effective, so I was just wondering what we’d decide in case it failed” or something. I know it’s a sensitive topic, but don’t mention it in a sideways manner– you both have to be clear on where you stand.June 15, 2012 at 9:23 am #30134
We don’t have a crisis plan, lol. Honestly, for us, we just kind of assume that as the woman, I get to choose (which is what we’ve talked about).June 15, 2012 at 9:38 am #30144
We have regular check-ins, about every year or so, its a little awkward, but it makes sure that we’re both on the same page re-unexpected pregnancy.June 15, 2012 at 10:03 am #30153
I dont think you need to have “your thoughts straight” before you bring it up to your boyfriend. This is something that would affect both of you so it would be a decision you make together anyway.June 15, 2012 at 10:23 am #30166
You definitely need to bring it up, and you have a perfect opportunity to do it right now after you just had a pregnancy scare. katie gave a great dialogue above that would be perfect to use. You don’t have to come up with an exact plan in this conversation, but you should at least be on the same page about what options you’re willing to consider. And you might want to talk about when those options change. For an example, I used to be unwilling to consider having and keeping the baby, but that changed when we knew we were committed and when I got so close to finishing school (only 1.5 more months!). Do your options change with living together, new jobs, engagements, etc?June 15, 2012 at 10:32 am #30179
My story on this is similar to theattacks, in that, the decision I made changed. For instance, I always assumed I would not keep a baby if I got pregnant, and then I talked about it with my boyfriend and he is solidly for keeping it, and he changed my mind. So don’t think you need to decide 100% sure and if he’s thinking the other way you guys are totally screwed.
Also, you can plan all you want but I think you never really know how you’ll both feel until it actually happens (if of course)June 15, 2012 at 10:35 am #30180
My personal policy is to discuss “what ifs” really early on in a relationship. Because honestly? I couldn’t continue to sleep with someone who is extremely anti-abortion. At this point in my life, that’s what I would choose because I am in no way financially, emotionally or otherwise capable of supporting a child or carrying a pregnancy to term. If the person I’m with isn’t okay with that, it’s probably not a good idea for us to continue to sleep together even with birth control (and you better believe that I am very careful about birth control). So yes, you need to have a sit-down discussion about it. Have you ever had an explicit discussion about birth control or has it always just been that you’re on the pill and he doesn’t really have to worry? If you’ve never talked about birth control, that’s a good place to start from. And I do think having a “check-in” every year is a great idea in a long-term relationship as your lives change and you pass different milestones.June 15, 2012 at 11:57 am #30221
Well for me, I could never be with someone that would want me to get an abortion, so I tend to have that discussion really early on. I got pregnant (and lost it) with an ex on birth control, so I’m super careful and always freaking out if I’m not using at least 2 forms of contraception. I’m on a certain medication and so I very rarely get my period anyways, so I know what that’s like as you don’t have much of an indication. I’ve been able to freak out less over time because I know I’m protecting myself enough, but still, I tend to be paranoid about that.June 19, 2012 at 2:27 pm #30668
I usually end up taking a pregnancy test 1-2 times a year, out of paranoia. we dont have a real ‘plan’ should i become pregnant, but we have discussed that we as a couple do not want children.
that being said, i have my own idea of what i would do myself. i know he would not be able to take another child in his life. so if i decided to keep it, i would be on my own. but whether that’s what i would decide is not something i know the answer to right now. i honestly cant say what i would do in that situation until i was faced with it.
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